10 Ways To Develop A Deeper (Emotional) Connection With Your Vagina
So, if you’re wondering why this article features a lead photo of a lotus flower, it’s because it’s actually one of the many symbols for a vagina. The backstory is two of the many things that a lotus represents are creation and rebirth — and so since we’re going to dive into what it means to have more of an emotional connection with your own vagina, I thought this visual would complement the mission perfectly.
But first — when you think of an emotional connection, what immediately comes to your mind? If it’s something along the lines of a bond between you and someone (or something) else, that’s a great mindset to have as you go through this particular piece. Because while it might not be a topic that is explored often, the more of a conscious (emotional) bond (connection) that you intentionally choose to cultivate between you and your vagina (and vulva) — the wiser decisions you will make concerning “her,” the more care you will put into nurturing her and meeting her specific needs, and the healthier she will be long-term.
So, are you ready to learn ten effective ways that can help you create this kind of relationship with your own lotus flower? Please read on and see.
1. Learn/Unlearn/Relearn About Your Vagina
Getty Images
There’s a line from a Walt Whitman quote that I basically apply to virtually every area of my life: “Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul.” When it comes to your vagina, think about what you were told in school, by your parents, on television, via your friends — how did those things shape how you see your vagina now? If there are areas where you have a negative perspective or even places where you’re drawing a blank, the beauty of being an adult is you don’t have to be at the mercy of other people’s insights and opinions (now).
So, take some time to learn new things about your vagina, to replace some teachings that were ridiculous at best, or freshen up on some things that you’ve forgotten. You know, a part of the reason why I write on the vagina a lot on this platform is for these very reasons — because it’s hard to love what you don’t know and understand. Right?
(By the way, you can read up on some articles on the topic via our platform right here.)
2. Create Mantras for Your Vagina
Getty Images
Basically, a mantra is something that you say over and over again during a meditative practice. An author on the topic once explained it this way: “A mantra can be thought of as a seed for energizing an intention” — and I think that’s a beautiful way to look at it.
Although you may have never thought about having “intentions for your vagina” before, when you think about the fact that it is a physical component of extreme pleasure and profound intimacy, why not have mantras for it? Simple things like, “I will bring my vagina the absolute best” or “I will not betray my vagina by pretending I am fulfilled when I am not” can rewire everything about how you approach relationships, sensuality, and sexuality.
So, if you are indeed a meditator (and if you aren’t, why not use this as an opportunity to at least try to become one), why not throw in 1-3 mantras that have some sort of a vaginal theme to them? You never know what that kind of “seed” could ultimately do for your “secret garden” (cue Quincy Jones ‘n them; the real ones know).
3. Set Aside Time for Sexual Meditation
Getty Images
Speaking of mantras for your vagina and how they can improve your sex life, something else that you might want to consider is setting aside time for what is known as sexual meditation. If it sounds a bit intimidating, it’s really just about learning how to be more mindful when it comes to sexual intimacy. And since mindfulness is about getting into a state (mind, body, and spirit) that will cause you to be in the moment, focus on your breathing and while learning how to fully accept yourself — it makes all the sense in the world that sexual mindfulness would be good for you, your vagina and ultimately your sex life.
One way that you can do that is by doing something known as orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”). Another method is vaginal mapping. We’ll get into that next.
4. Do Some Vaginal Mapping
Getty Images
The more counseling that I do, the more amazed I am that so many wives (who are also mothers) have never really looked at their vagina before. I mean, even during labor, they preferred to look elsewhere. Listen, I’m not gonna preach too much but if you’re also someone who would rather “take a pass,” at least consider doing vaginal self-exams (check out “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”); just like your breasts need you to check up on them, your vagina does too. Don’t just wait until your annual visit to your gynecologist to make sure that everything is A-OK down below.
For those of you who may want to learn how to take things up a notch from a self-exam, get into what is known as vaginal mapping. Long story short, it’s all about exploring your vagina in a way that will help you to feel more comfortable with it, addressing some emotional or sexual issues you might be suppressing, and developing some sexual self-confidence as well. There are many people who have done vaginal mapping before and found it as a powerful way to find holistic healing on a myriad of levels. Anyway, if you want to learn a bit more about vaginal mapping and how it might personally benefit you, check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey.”
5. Purchase Items for Your Vagina and Vulva
Getty Images
Me? I like to take my vagina and vulva shopping. What I mean by that is, every six weeks or so, I will tiptoe out into cyberspace to see what kind of products exist just for my va-jay-jay. As a result, I’ve found a vaginal wash that I really like, an oil for my pubic hair that makes it all feel uber soft, and a trimmer that doesn’t nick me. Oh, and don’t even get me started on panty shopping — between drawers and lip gloss, I know that I have a low-key addiction.
Real talk, there are a lot of items out in the world that are specifically designed for your vagina and vulva (including pubic hair dye if you want to cover up your grays like this brand here and this one here). So, why not cultivate some bonding time with “her” by setting aside a few coins to treat your own vagina to a few new things every once in a while (meaning, once a season…at least)?
6. Give Your Vagina and Vulva a “Pamper Day” (Monthly)
Getty Images
Pampering is about extending an extreme level of indulgence, kindness, and care to someone or something. Do you do that for your vagina? For instance, when was the last time that your vagina (and vulva) had its own pampering day? This can include DIY’ing a vaginal wash for your time in the tub, making a rosewater solution to soothe an irritated vulva, giving your vulva a bit of a massage or hell, or even taking a longer nap so that your vagina (and the rest of you) can destress?
It can’t be said enough that a lot of us confuse self-maintenance with pampering — so, when it comes to your vagina, think about something that you can do for it that goes above and beyond…and then, instead of second-guessing, just go ahead and do it!
7. Feed Your Vagina Well
Getty Images
Your diet affects everything about you — your vagina is absolutely no exception. For instance, because I have a fungal sensitivity, I’ve had to cut down on dairy (I never really do milk, but I do dig ice cream and cheese) because…did you know that dairy (and sugar) can jack up your pH levels and make you more susceptible to vaginal yeast infections? Yup. Bottom line here is it’s hard for your vagina to trust you if you’re not feeding it right, and yes, there are foods that work for your vagina (check out “The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving”) and foods that work directly against it (check out “Here’s What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of”).
There are plenty of articles (like this one here and this one here) to support the fact that your diet directly impacts your mental and emotional health for better or for worse. It’s hard to be emotionally sound when it comes to any part of you if you’re not consuming what will ultimately benefit you — head to toe. So, get — and keep — that diet right.
8. Forgive Your Vagina
Getty Images
Have you ever low-key been upset with your vagina and/or vulva before? Hell, I have. When I had a yeast infection that demanded antibiotics. When my vulva (the outer part of my vagina) is irritated, and I can’t seem to get to the root of why. Back in the day, when I was sexually active, and I felt like I let how my vagina felt about someone’s penis trump what my brain was telling me about the person’s character. I could go on and on.
And just like any other time when we hold unforgivingness in our being, those moments caused me to feel disconnected from my vagina (and vulva) — sometimes without me even realizing it. I wouldn’t be as gentle with her. I wouldn’t mind skipping a wax appointment or two. I would ignore her when she was sending me signs that I wasn’t feeding her correctly or that a body wash or brand of detergent was literally rubbing her the wrong way. I wouldn’t sex journal my way into some clarity and peace about my past sexual decisions.
A great “starter definition” of forgiveness is one that I share often. It’s by author Gary Zukav: “Forgiveness is accepting that the past can’t change.” If you know that you don’t feel as good about your vagina as you should, take some time out to do some writing on why. And if you discover that you’re harboring some negativity towards it on some level, get intentional about forgiving it — and yourself. Not only does forgiveness help to improve the quality of your health, but it also boosts your self-esteem and makes your life better overall.
As a bonus, forgiveness reduces stress — and the less stressed out you are, the more you decrease your chances of experiencing various types of vaginal infections.
9. Thank Your Vagina
Getty Images
I don’t know about y’all, but me and my vagina have shared some good times. There have also been moments when I know that my diet and sleep patterns have been off of the chain, and the good bacteria up in there kept the bad bacteria from taking over. Not to mention that my periods have been pretty kind to me over the years. Yeah, my vagina also deserves a “thank you” — and so does yours. And here’s the thing about expressing gratitude: it literally helps you to feel more positive so that you can have healthier emotions and, ultimately, healthier relationships.
Being thankful also helps you to not take things for granted — and since vaginas help to make great sex possible, help to birth babies, and play a role in our cycles staying on track…when’s the last time you gave it a heartfelt thank-you for holding you down?
10. Don’t Stress Your Vagina Out
Getty Images
Stress isn’t good for any part of your being. Mentally, it can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, and/or depressed, being unable to make clear decisions, having a low libido, being sleep deprived, and not being productive throughout the day. Physically, it can create muscle tension, put on pounds, increase your chances of having heart disease (and a heart attack), give you digestive issues, and impair your memory. Emotionally, you can find yourself being frustrated, easily distracted and not being able to relax. And your vagina? Well, I wrote an entire article on what can happen when it’s had it up to here (check out “Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?”).
As we close this out, nothing can thrive and flourish in the way that it was designed to if it’s stressed out all of the time — and sis, if you’re having lots of vaginal infections, if you’re struggling to stay lubricated during sex, if your menstrual cramps are more intense than usual, all of this could be due to the fact that you and your vagina are not as in sync as you both should be, due to the fact that stress is all up in the way. So yes, get more rest. Drink more water (and herbal teas). Treat yourself to a new pair of panties. And give this article another once-over.
Because take it from me: when you are proactive about giving your vagina the time, attention, and praise that it not only needs but deserves, it can’t help but cause your entire being to feel better. How could it not when your vagina is such an essential part of you? One that is definitely worthy of feeling deeply connected to the deepest parts of your being…at all times.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by sarayut Thaneerat/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Kendrick Lamar And Whitney Alford: A Timeline Of Their Decades-Long Relationship
Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford are one of those couples who like to live their lives outside of the public eye. Unlike many celebrity couples, we don’t really hear a lot of details about their relationship in blogs and social media except for when Kendrick raps about it. Whitney has even been featured on many of her fiancé’s songs, but it was his last album, Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers, where he was the most vulnerable.
Outside of supporting her Pulitzer Prize-winning man, Whitney is also a licensed esthetician and makeup artist. The couple share two beautiful children together and seem to enjoy their privacy. From high school sweethearts to starting a family, here is a timeline of Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford’s relationship.
2001-2005?: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford Meet
Whitney Alford and Kendrick Lamar at 2016 Key to the City Ceremony
Photo by Johnny Nunez/Getty Images
Kendrick and Whitney met in high school. However, there’s not a lot of details about what year. The two attended Centennial High School, which is located in Compton, CA, and began dating shortly after becoming friends.
2009: Kendrick Lamar Raps About Whitney
In his 2009 self-titled EP, Kendrick rapped about Whitney in the songs “She Needs Me” and “Determined.” He highlighted how he can’t live without her in “She Needs Me” and shared how she’s been his rock in “Determined.”
2014: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford’s First Public Appearance as a Couple
56th Grammy Awards with Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images for NARAS
Whitney stepped out with Kendrick for the first time at the 56th Grammy Awards. Kendrick was nominated for seven awards, including Best Rap Album for Good Kid, M.A.A.D City.
2015: Kendrick Calls Whitney His Best Friend
Talking to Billboard in January, the Compton rapper opened up about his love for Whitney. “I wouldn’t even call her my girl,” he said. “That’s my best friend. I don’t even like the term that society has put in the world as far as being a companion — she’s somebody I can tell my fears to.”
Whitney Appears on Kendrick’s "To Pimp a Butterfly" Album
In March 2015, Kendrick dropped his highly anticipated third album, To Pimp a Butterfly, andWhitney provided backup vocals for songs “King Kunta” and “Wesley’s Theory.”
Kendrick Confirms Engagement to Whitney Alford
Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford at 2015 BET Awards
Photo by Johnny Nunez/BET/Getty Images for BET
During a The Breakfast Club interview, the Grammy award-winning artist confirmed that he and his high school sweetheart were engaged. “Yeah, definitely,” he said. “I’m loyal to the soul.”
2019: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford Welcome Their First Child
It was reported that the couple had their first child in July 2019. While her name wasn’t revealed at the time, fans later suggested that he mentioned her name in his song “Mr. Morale,” which is off of his fifth album, Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers. He rapped, “Uzi, your father's in deep meditation.”
2022: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford Welcomes Their Second Child
The couple quietly welcomed a second child, a baby boy named Enoch and they made the big reveal on the cover of the Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers album. The cover features Kendrick holding Uzi while Whitney holds Enoch. Kendrick also mentioned Enoch’s name in his song “Mr. Morale” when he rapped, “Enoch, your father's just detoxed.”
Whitney Reflects on Working With Kendrick on "Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers"
In May, the makeup artist reflected on working with Kendrick on the album, which she helped narrate, and thanked him in an Instagram post. “Sometimes the mirror is a harsh critic. Shit can get real ugly. Im proud of the work we’ve done individually and as a family. Honored to be a part of this album @kendricklamar. Thank you for your transparency. Healing can begin…,” she wrote.
Whitney Appears in Kendrick's "Count Me Out" Music Video
Whitney also appeared in her beau’s “Count Me Out” music video and shared a snippet on her Instagram page in December.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Lester Cohen/Getty Images for NARAS