

I'm big on pampering. Unapologetically so too. When you think of all that it takes to be a Black person in this country and also a woman in this country, why shouldn't we make the time to indulge ourselves a little bit? Problem is, I know far too many women who barely get a facial, massage or mani/pedi, let alone set some moments aside to pamper their vagina. Yep. I said it. Pamper their vagina.
It might sound a little strange at first that there are things that you can do that will "treat your vagina with extreme kindness or luxury". Still, believe it or not, it is possible. Today, I'm gonna share 10 effective, affordable and super self-gratifying ways to help you to do just that. Make sure to send this to your girlfriends when you're done. I'm pretty sure they could use this very important info too.
1. Give Your Vagina a Massage
If the first thing that came to your mind with this one is "I mean, I masturbate", that is not really what a vaginal massage is all about. There is literally something that is called yoni massage therapy that focuses on releasing physical and emotional blockages. Some people refer to it as vaginal mapping which I actually wrote about last fall (check out "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey"). Very similar to standard massages, you can pay to have a professional one done or you can do it yourself. Either way, taking out the time to gingerly caress your vagina, simply for the sake of releasing stress that might be built up in it, is one of the best ways to pamper your vagina, hands down.
2. Get into Some Specific Yoga Positions
Yoga does a lot of things. It de-stresses. It increases strength and flexibility. It puts you into a better mood. It relaxes you. It helps you to sleep better. So, it makes perfect sense that partaking in it would benefit every part of your body, including your vaginal region. In fact, there are certain positions that specifically can improve the overall health and well-being of your va-jay-jay. If you'd like to know what some of them are, so that you can try them out from the comfort and convenience of your own house, check out Health Shot's article that features six vaginal-focused yoga positions right here.
3. Wash Undies by Hand in Fragrance-Free Detergent
Did you know that there is some fecal matter in washing machines? Not only that but any time something germ-filled is put into a load of laundry, it tends to spread to 90 percent of the rest of the clothes that it's in the wash with. This is reason enough to hand-wash your undies. Start by using some sort of antibacterial fabric spray on your underwear (if you'd prefer to go the DIY route, there's a great recipe here). Spray your panties with it (especially the crotch area) and let it penetrate for five minutes or so.
Then, soak your underwear in really hot water. Once the water is a comfortable enough temperature for you to touch it, wash your panties in some fragrance-free detergent and rinse thoroughly in warm water when you're done. All of this will help to get rid of infection-causing bacteria without irritating your vagina in the process. (By the way, if you want to "super sterilize" your panties, you can always iron the crotch on low heat once they are clean and dry.)
4. Also, Keep Some Fragrance-Free Wipes in Your Bag
Whether it's because you use a menstrual cup or you simply want to freshen up throughout the day when you're not at home, it can never hurt to keep some fragrance-free wipes around. They are oftentimes better at thoroughly cleansing your vagina without removing any of the natural moisture that it needs. Just make sure that they are fragrance-free. Otherwise, the wipes could upset your vagina's pH balance and lead to a vaginal infection up the road.
5. Make Yourself a Monthly Period Basket
There are two ways to look at your menstrual cycle—like something that you should dread every month or something that you can use as a time to pamper yourself. My recommendation is to go with Door #2. Stay with going to a local arts and crafts store to pick up a basket (one that you would use to make someone else a gift basket) along with some cellophane and a bow. Then, on a monthly basis, put things into it like—chamomile tea (it soothes abdominal discomfort) and/or raspberry leaf tea (it reduces uterine contractions); dark chocolate (the potassium eases cramps); clove essential oil (it reduces excessive pain and bleeding); avocados, pears, berries, bananas and popcorn (fibrous foods reduce bloating); turmeric powder (it's a natural painkiller); a bottle of sparkling water (the more hydrated you are, the less blood clots and backaches you'll have); a magnesium supplement (it'll ease your uterine muscles while giving you more energy); a favorite snack (it'll comfort you); some fresh flowers (just because); a DIY lavender spray for your bedding (to help you sleep more soundly. You can check out an easy-to-make recipe here), and a fresh pair of period panties (Thinx's Hiphugger Period Panties are currently all the rage). Knowing that there is something special awaiting you can definitely make you feel better about, well, the inevitable (your period, chile).
6. Install a Bidet (or a Bidet Toilet Seat Attachment)
Talk about pampering. There used to be a time when, if the topic of bidets came up, we'd assume the person who had one was rich. I get why too because the cost of one combined with the installation fee tends is oftentimes somewhere between $1000-1500 (on average). That doesn't mean it's not worth every penny, though, because bidets are able to keep your vaginal area, your butt and your hands cleaner (which reduces the spread of urine, fecal matter and bacteria overall). Another benefit to them is they can significantly reduce your chances of having hemorrhoids while also helping to keep you from getting bacterial vaginosis. Plus, since bidets eliminate the need for toilet paper, they are good for the environment too.
If money is tight and you can't afford to install a bidet right now, the next best thing is to invest in a bidet toilet seat attachment. It's basically a sprayer that you can use as a "handy" bidet. The Spruce has a list of some fairly affordable ones. You can check 'em out here.
7. Soak in Some Apple Cider Vinegar
We honestly could write an entire article on what makes apple cider vinegar so dope. When it comes to the topic at hand—pampering your vagina—it's great because it's able to keep the pH level of your vagina (which needs to be somewhere between 3.8-4.5) in balance. That's why it's good to soak in if you've got a yeast infection or something to do once a week for mere "upkeep" purposes. The powerfully potent antiseptic and antibacterial properties can soothe inflamed skin, reduce vaginal odor and cleanse your vagina without irritating it in the process.
All you need to do is get some apple cider vinegar (make sure it contains the mother; the mother makes it unrefined and unfiltered). As you're running your bathwater, pour one cup (two cups if you've got a yeast infection or BV) of the vinegar into it and soak for 20 minutes or so. While you're soaking, definitely make sure to avoid bubble baths that contain lots of chemicals. If you want a few bubbles to create a certain mood, combine a half cup of distilled water with a half-cup of castile soap, one-fourth cup of vegetable glycerin and 15 drops of your favorite essential oil. Pour it under running water and you'll be all set.
8. Try a Little Fur Oil
If you're someone who, when it comes to "landscaping" down below, you prefer to shave and yet you haven't found a way to prevent ingrown hairs (remember not to shave against the grain; doing so can definitely cause them), you might want to pamper your vagina with a little bit of Fur Oil. It's an oil that's specifically made for pubic hair that contains ingredients like grapeseed oil, jojoba oil, clary sage and tea tree oil. Aside from helping to prevent ingrown hairs and soothe the ones that you already may have, this oil also has a great reputation for making pubic hair feel really soft. I won't lie to you, there ain't nothin' cheap about it (it's currently $46 for a couple of ounces). Still, the reviews are pretty spectacular and, at the very least, this might inspire you to cop a couple of the ingredients I mentioned and make some conditioning oil of your own (heads up, you can probably find it on other sites for a little less too).
Oh, I almost forgot. If you wouldn't dream of spending this much money on some vaginal oil, a hack that can help to keep your vagina—well, your vulva since it's the outer part of that area—from feeling itchy and irritated after shaving is to rub some fragrance-free deodorant onto it right after you shave. It has a way of soothing and bringing (semi) instant relief too.
9. Make Sure the Condoms Are “Super Vagina-Friendly”
Unless you are in an exclusive long-term relationship where you both get tested and you're on some form of reliable birth control (unless, of course, you want to conceive a child), when it comes to sex, there's no way around the fact that condoms are the way to go. However, have you ever thought about if the ones that you've been using are super vagina-friendly or not?
The reality is that a lot of rubbers contain chemicals like casein (which can throw off our hormonal balance); glycerin (which contains sugar and can sometimes feed yeast); benzocaine (which can trigger vaginal inflammation and dryness) and, nonoxynol 9 (which can inflame your cervix, vagina and rectum). All of this is, yeah…not good.
I know you're probably not used to reading condom labels; however, now you see why it's a good thing to do. As far as condoms that are good for your va-jay-jay, Lelo Hex is one brand you might want to look into (it's made out of natural latex and has a silicone lubricant in it). Lovability is a natural latex rubber that is hypoallergenic and gets a lot of praise too.
10. Wear a Clit Clip
One more. I know some people who got their clitoris (or clitoral hood) pierced before. And while they can personally vouch for the fact that it has made their clitoris more sensitive to the touch in some of the best ways possible, they've also said that the piercing process itself is not even close to being a walk in the park. That said, you're not a big fan of pain yet you would like to "dress up" your clitoris from time to time, there are clit clips that you can wear that require absolutely no piercing at all. Two that I thought were kinda cute are on Etsy's site (here and here). I mean, we are talking about pampering, right? Why not doll "her" up a bit once you've done everything else on this list? Look at it as the vaginal pampering 2.0 way to go.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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