This Valentine's Day Can Be Sweeter, Sexier...Different.
Valentine's Day is an interesting holiday to me in the sense that it tends to come with such polarizing reactions—either folks totally adore it or they loathe it with every fiber of their being. When it comes to those who choose to stand behind Door #2, oftentimes, it's not because they are alone for the big day either. It's usually because there is unexpected pressure to go over-the-top or they are bored with the same 'ole roses, teddy bears and Hallmark cards approach.
This year, I thought it might be a good idea to come up with some ways to observe this calendar day of love that is a little atypical. Nothing too outside of the box but definitely some inspiration to step somewhat outside of the box and create a way to get excited about Valentine's Day…again.
1. Watch the Sunrise Together
The older I get, the easier it is for me to go to bed around 10pm and wake up at the crack of dawn. It's reminded me of the fact that there really is something that is pretty beautiful about sunrises. The sky is beautiful and the birds are chirping, even though the world is still pretty, well, still. If someone is in the bed with you, it's also an ideal time to engage in a little bit of pillow talk or even morning sex with your partner. Thankfully, this Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday but if you happen to work on the weekends or you've got kids, setting your clock to get up a little earlier this year can give you and yours some time alone so that you can start the day—and holiday—off right.
2. Enjoy a Libido-Boosting Breakfast
Breakfast in bed is always pretty romantic. How about making one that is loaded with aphrodisiac foods such as an avocado omelet (the Vitamin E in the avocado will increase your sex drive); some banana pancakes (bananas' potassium will support your sex hormones); some chocolate muffins (chocolate is packed with antioxidants); a couple of strawberry smoothies (strawberries are packed with Vitamin C which can increase blood flow, including to your genitalia) and/or some ginger tea with honey (its gingerol will relax you as the boron in honey will regulate your estrogen and testosterone levels). It's a delicious way to get some of your juices flowing.
3. Customize Your Candles and Wine
As far as Valentine's Day purchases go, I recently saw some candles that cracked me up. If you click on this link here, Etsy has an entire section of ones that say something along the lines of "Light this whenever you want a blow job" (there is one about our clitoris too. You can find it here). It's the kind of gift that is fun and still pretty sexy. On the romantic tip, I don't know too many people who aren't down for a bottle of wine, especially on special occasions. If you'd like to customize the bottle or the packaging, Personal Wine is one site that will let you do just that. And since wine is also considered to be an aphrodisiac, why not? Shoot, my recommendation is that you get both—the candle and the wine. Why not?
4. Take a Walk Down Memory Lane with Childhood Candies
Back when we were in elementary school, many of us went to the grocery store to pick up those Valentine's Day cards that resembled postcards so that we could give them to our friends. As an added bonus, sometimes, we would tape candies to them. I don't know about you, but I actually had some pretty fond memories of this time in my life.
Anyway, another cute idea is to ask your partner what their favorite childhood candies were and then go to a site like Old Time Candy to pick them up. Spending a part of the night sharing childhood stories is a great way to get to know your partner better and understand some of what has made them the person they are today. Real talk.
5. Give Each Other a “Healing” Present
Whenever I think of a favorite India.Arie song, one that immediately comes to my mind is "The Truth". What I've heard other women say that they adore is "He Heals Me". I get it because, could there be a higher praise than telling someone that they play a huge role in bringing you to a state of wholeness? If there is some way that you can say, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that your partner has played a direct role in improving you, restoring you, reviving you, settling you or soothing you, why not get them something that symbolizes that? Maybe a personalized gratitude journal. A chakra bracelet. A massage gift certificate. Some reflexology gloves. A piece of jewelry in their favorite gemstone. One of these, along with a handwritten thank you note can definitely make your partner feel seen and appreciated. And who doesn't want/need that?
6. Make “Why I Love You” Notecards
Speaking of songs, one that continues to totally be my jam, even after all of these years, is Monica's "Why I Love You So Much". Even if you don't have a ton of time or money to do much, something that can be a very sweet gesture is to create some flashcards with different reasons why you love your partner. Break the categories down into physical, emotional, relational, sexual, mental and spiritual. Put each category on the front of the card, color code them and then write your reasons on the back. No matter what your partner's love language may be, this is something that will truly move them. Affirmations always do.
7. Get Creative with Chocolate
This year, instead of just getting your boo a box of chocolates, why not get more creative than that? Make some chocolate body paint (that's self-explanatory, right?). Soak together in a chocolate bubble bath. Soothe each other's muscles with some homemade mint chocolate massage oil. Enjoy a rom-com with some popcorn that is drizzled in chocolate. Kiss your partner all over with some DIY chocolate-flavored lip gloss. Try some chocolate fondue and fruit. If Valentine's Day has a signature flavor, chocolate would have to be it, but no one said that you had to go the traditional route so…don't.
8. Do a Little Bit of Sploshing
A fetish that you may or may not have ever heard of before is sploshing. If you haven't, it's basically all about incorporating food into sex. Only, it's about rubbing food on your partner and/or having them rub it on you and you both eating it off. It's wet. It's messy. But when it's with your favorite partner and you incorporate your favorite kind of food, it can also be kinda hot.
Opt for something like a lemon meringue pie, some jello or anything that has a bit of a "smooshy" texture. Then go into the kitchen (since it's easier to clean that space up) and enjoy smearing the food all over each other and licking it off. It's definitely one of those "you've gotta try it" types of things, but some of my clients (yes, Black ones, 'cause I know how some of y'all can be with the stereotypes—LOL) enjoy every minute of it.
9. Take a Virtual Mixology Class
I've written a few articles on here about how alcohol can boost your libido (check out "8 Summer-Themed Alcoholic Drinks That Can Boost Your Libido" and "Warm Drinks That Will...Warm You & Your Partner Up (Wink)"). If you and yours can always go for a nice drink but you want to expand beyond a glass of wine or shot of tequila, why not sign up for a virtual mixology class this year? Many of them are super affordable. One to consider is on the MasterClass site. You can check it out here.
10. “Mimic” Your Favorite Hotel Room
Whether it's because money is super tight right through here or the pandemic has you on the "Yeah, I'll pass" tip, perhaps spending Valentine's Day in a hotel room isn't on the top of your list this year. A cool workaround is to find a hotel room that you really like and then duplicate the layout as much as possible. Just go to your favorite search engine, put "sexiest hotels" in the search field and links will come up with all sorts of pics of rooms and suites. I used to decorate couples' bedrooms all of the time. You'd be amazed what you can easily find at a Walmart or Target that can totally transform the space for between 30-50 bucks.
11. Take a Shower Together (with Surround Sound)
If there's one place in the house where a lot of couples say that sex is not all that it's cracked up to be, the shower would probably be the one I've heard the most. While it can be a little crammed up in there, who said that you've always gotta actually copulate? Sometimes, it can be a great act of foreplay to just stand underneath the warm water while touching erogenous zones, kissing or even doing a little bit of a slow drag. One way to make any of these options even more appealing is to cop yourself a shower speaker. Some of the best Bluetooth ones are located here.
12. Have Your Own “Ceremony”
If you're married, your wedding day was the "big ceremonious occasion". No one said that had to be your only one, though. Ceremonies are also kind gestures and formal acts. Something else that you can do on Valentine's Day is come up with some new promises to make to one another or create a ceremony (of sorts) that celebrates the love that the two of you share. It can require the two of you dressing up. It can be super casual. It can be a sexual ceremony. The approach and purpose are totally up to you yet it's another way to make Valentine's Day extra special.
13. Enjoy Foreplay by Flipping a Coin
Some couples want to get better at dirty talk but they're not exactly sure how to go about it. If that's you, pull out a nickel or quarter and do what I call "flipping for foreplay". Take turns tossing the coin into the air and calling out heads or tails. If your side wins, tell your partner something that you'd like for them to do for you. If your side loses, they get to make a request. If you do this right, you shouldn't get past five flips or so. At least, that's what I'm thinking. #wink
14. Download a Sex Game App
Have you ever heard of the Desire game app before? If you haven't, you and yours should download it and give it a try. It's basically an app where the both of you can create sexy dares, ranging from light to off-the-charts. Whoever obliges the most wins. Now all you've gotta do is figure out what the prize will be (whew-whee!). If you're game, you can download it here. Another one that's somewhat similar is called Hot & Dirty Dares. You can check it out right here.
15. “Upgrade” Your First Time Together
Whether your first time with your boo was everything you ever imagined it could be or it was honestly kind of a bust, use this Valentine's Day as a bit of either a recreation—or do-over. Set the scene the way you would like. Wear what you want to create the perfect mood. Reminisce about what made both of you decide to take the "leap" when you did. Discuss each other's first time fantasies. Sometimes, I counsel couples who have regrets. You know what I tell them? We can't change the past, but we can always recreate certain memories. Let this Valentine's Day inspire you to do that. You might look up and discover that it has quickly become your favorite holiday of all, if you do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Women's Voting Organization Supermajority's CIO Talks Election Issues, Minus The Drama
Voting has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a child, my parents would pack my sister and me up in the car and allow us to take in the excitement of the polls during local and national elections.
Years later, in 2008, I voted in my first election for Barack Obama and emotionally celebrated his win surrounded by fellow classmates from Clark Atlanta, Spelman, and Morehouse.
I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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