

I Was Told I Was Approachable For A Black Girl (And I Don’t Know How To Feel About It)
I work at a non-profit that I've recently decided is generally too damn woke and for the most part I want many of my colleagues to go back to sleep. The awareness of microaggressions, preferred pronouns, and a recently formed "Racial Equality Committee" has most of us walking on eggshells, afraid to ask someone how their weekend was out of fear that it will eventually lead to mediation in HR. To quote one of my colleagues, there are times when working while a person of color is exhausting solely due to dealing with "white guilt, feelings and the endless Trader Joe snacks."
While it's great that safe spaces like these are being created, many times it feels like they only exist to fulfill a grant requirement or to make people feel like they're using their privilege for the power of good.
But to be honest in its first few weeks, the "Change Team" served as nothing more than an opportunity for people to hear themselves talk and process their own personal grievances and less as a place for reflection, new perspectives and ways to improve work culture.
For the past three years at this job, I've felt like Issa Rae's character on Insecure. Most days I spend at my desk or completely out of the building avoiding most of my co-workers, particularly the melanin-deficient ones who never miss an opportunity to point out the "Ally" crown they're rocking with "Black Lives Matter" bamboo earrings to match. By the close of business, they're sprinting to the train to make it to the safety of their suburban homes because outside of bars and clubs in Center City, Philly is too dangerous to actually spend too much time in. Actually, it's just like Issa's former employer except more so, "We Got Y'all…Until We Hear Gunshots".
A few weeks ago, some staff members initiated an aggressive recruitment campaign for the newly formed committee. With every announcement at a staff meeting and every flyer posted in the kitchen with the perfect Nelson Mandela quote, it became clear that they wanted and needed black people on the committee. Most of us expressed hesitation for the same reason: Was our presence being requested to actually make a difference or were we being tokenized to make the monthly newsletter look good?
At some point, the current melanin-challenged members of the committee got the message that the black folks in the office weren't feeling their whole campaign. One afternoon, one of the members, a fair-skinned Latina from South America, asked if she could speak to me privately and apologized on behalf of the committee if I was made to feel singled out and pressured to join solely because of what my skin color alone had to offer. Honestly, for me, the campaign was doing the most and accomplishing the least. Between being a part-time writer and a full-time parent, the last thing I wanted to do at work was serve on any committee, let alone one where it seemed like I'd be using a portion of my work day to educate folks on how to be a respectful, decent human being, regardless of someone's skin color. One of the things the current committee failed to realize is that black people have to deal with racism directly and indirectly on a daily basis. The last thing we want to do is come to work and create Powerpoint presentations on "How Not To Be Racist".
After our conversation, I couldn't help but wonder if my colleague had approached other black co-workers on this apology campaign. While discussing the theatrics with another co-worker (also a person of color), we joked about the possibility that our colleague was possibly only approaching the "approachable black girls" in the office. I didn't exactly know how to feel about it. There are several folks at my job who damn near have anxiety attacks when approaching the desks of the few black women who work here. Ironically, none of us have ever cussed someone out or threatened anyone, but we do communicate directly and stand by our firm (and sometimes unpopular) opinions. We joke and laugh loudly, and admittedly can be extra as hell at times which for some (for whatever reason) can seem intimidating. However, unlike the others, for the most part, I choose to focus on my job, my paycheck and going home and I assume my introverted nature can appear less threatening to some, as opposed to some of my counterparts. It's probably because I've become jaded and figure if folks fail to understand the rules of basic respect, we got a long way to go before we tackle racism. Also, I don't get paid to teach my co-workers how to act normal around black people.
Rather than spend my time fighting the power, I'd rather invest my efforts into people who really want to be awake, instead of folks who only want to be caffeinated for a popular cause.
Being a black girl in the workplace is constantly trying to find a balance between being the "I will slap the shit out of you" stereotype and not code-switching so much that white folks think it's cool to let their racism casually slip around you. Everyday seems like a constant struggle to suppress the urge to ask, "Who raised you?" to white colleagues who treat every interaction with a black person like the Woke Olympics. So trust and believe when I say, when I sit at my desk and smile and nod when approached with the repeated need for my white colleagues to distance themselves from their privilege, it's not because I am meek or want to avoid conflict. It's because I am exhausted and I just want to finish listening to this episode of "State of the Culture" and send this damn email, not because I'm a black person that fails to see through the nonsense.
Before I even punch the clock, I've survived a morning of news headlines updating me on the lastest xenophobic comments made by the leader of the free world, white guys in suits and ties who act like they own the downtown sidewalks and refuse to step out of anyone's way, and a barista who repeatedly screws up my coffee order because she's too focused on making an iced latte for the blonde housewife who is a "regular" even though she's at the back of the line. There's a multitude of microaggressions and sometimes blatant racism before I have even had breakfast on a weekly basis.
Wokeness is not something you can schedule on an Outlook calendar, especially if you fail to keep that same energy outside the office doors.
The last thing I want to do when I walk into work is bust out in a rendition of Queen Latifah's "U.N.I.T.Y." for folks who didn't realize racism existed until the last presidential election. Some might call me approachable, but honestly I'm just tired.
When I come to work, that's exactly what I'm there to do. I'm not going to slap you if you say "Black" and not "African-American" nor is it my job to give you a black history lesson along with my quarterly report. But if you think all black girls in the office with box braids look alike, it might be because you need to approach us all a little more often, whether we're cussing or laughing a little too loudly. Loud isn't always offensive and quiet isn't always polite. Being approachable doesn't mean I'm meek or that I'm fresh out damns to give about race relations in the workplace, but it does mean that I'm willing to listen to where someone is coming from and start a conversation, which I think is one of the most basic forms of respect.
However, we all have to be honest about the fact that conversations about race and power, particularly in the workplace will be awkward and will force us out of comfort zones. We have to recognize that some conversations will reveal truths about ourselves that we are not ready to face. And white people especially must realize that they won't always feel safe or comfortable. So if the only reason you're approaching my desk is that you think your comfort will be accommodated, you and your Mochi Rice Nuggets can miss me with BS.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Here's How To Host Your First Dinner Party, According To TikTok's Viral Dinner Host
If you haven’t scrolled upon Olivia McDowell's TikTok famous dinner parties, you may need to reconfigure your "For You Page."
What began as a passion for hosting aesthetically themed meals for her closest friends has quickly become a viral sensation. With an astonishing 12 million viewers, women describe Olivia’s picturesque dinner parties as the “dream girls' night,” complete with classy cocktails, beautiful table settings, elegant outfits, and, most importantly, food plated to perfection.
Seemingly reigniting the feminine urge to host fancy dinner parties, Olivia has perfected the finer details. Overlooking the skyline in her beautiful NYC apartment, she never fails to make her signature handmade pasta dishes while simultaneously looking effortlessly chic in the wardrobe of dreams while doing so.
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @nara0630 what should the theme of my next dinner party be? #minivlog #nycliving #dinnerpartyideas #caviarinnewyork
What I love most about hosting intimate dinners for close friends are the connections and relationships that form over food. They don't require a caviar budget with a high-rise apartment, it just takes determination and a little creativity. Watching Olivia’s journey inspires viewers to be a part of a community of positive and uplifting women who share common interests and tastes in food, fashion, and decor. Simply stated, she’s raising the bar of friendship goals.
If you’re aspiring to host a holiday-themed dinner party this season, check out the four tips that will guide you along the way.
Choose Your Theme
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @emz.life.tsv what was your fav part? 🤍 hope this gives you some inspiration to host a fancy friendsgiving too! #hostingtip #dinnerparty #pastamaking
Set the ambiance with a thoughtful theme, which will indeed be your guiding light for less stress during the planning process. Establishing a theme sets the tone for everything else to fall in place, such as menus, table design, and presentation. For example, a holiday-inspired dinner party is a perfect occasion for elegant all-white decor paired with draped table cloths, pillar candles lit atop luxe holders, floating floral arrangements, and, for a personal touch, handwritten place settings.
Utilizing free resources such as Canva for menu templates and creating a “Dinner Party” moodboard via Pinterest is perfect for gathering dinner inspiration for themes, decor, and recipes for the special occasion.
Simplify the Menu
@oliviaamcdowell How to host your own pasta making dinner party — part 1: pasta making from scratch 🤍 Hosting dinner parties has become my favorite thing to do this year. More goes into it than you expect, the prep, planning, guestlist, tablescape, etc. but it’s always worth it in the end. What do you guys want to see next? #hostingtips #dinnerparty #pastamaking
Don’t overcomplicate the menu. A simple dinner party formula to use as your guide to making sure your guests leave full of food and joy is appetizers, salads, entrees, sides, desserts, and beverages. As a starter, assemble an aesthetic spread that your guest can nibble on while awaiting the main course with starters such as bread, cheese, jam, nuts, and fruit. A simple salad will do, complete with a light dressing right before your entree. For a main dish, pasta recipes always go a long way and also allows your guests to interact with one another, which leads to McDowell's third dinner party hosting tip.
Include an Interactive Element
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @itstai.tv 🥹🖤 #girlhood
To break the ice and encourage guests to get to know one another, introduce interactive elements to the evening. Moments of interaction allow everyone to connect, like capturing content for social media or memorializing the essence of the night through fun Polaroids. Olivia also encourages her guests to participate in the pasta-making dinner process as a group, or if hosting a brunch, her friends indulge in building their own coffee bar as an opportunity for forming connections and conversation starters. Group board or card games are also great for laughs and healthy competition to help get the vibes flowing.
Don’t Forget the Dress code
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @samantha_mendiz when all of your friends are the main character 🖤🥂 #dinnerparty #nycfashion
Tis’ the season for glamour and sparkles, so why not go all out with a super chic dress code? You can’t have a picture-perfect holiday dinner party without the coordinating attire to match. When planning, make sure to make the required attire specific yet broad enough for a range of personalities and preferences to comfortably partake while looking stunning doing so.
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Featured image by Justin Lambert/Getty Images