3 Guys Share What It Means When A Man Is Emotionally Unavailable
Emotional unavailability is a label we assign to men who shy away from commitment.
These men partake in the conventional song and dance of most relationships: the good morning text, the occasional outing aptly titled as a “date", the late night calls where they offer an ear to the women they're involved with – because let's face it, they are involved.
For all intents and purposes, it is a relationship.
You are together.
But you also aren't.
Seemingly Emotionally Available Man might interject the easy flow of your first date getting-to-know you conversation or third date connection-fueled banter with the conflicting reality of where he is in his life at the moment. There is where he reveals to you, “I'm not ready for a relationship" or other language that paints a similar portrait of lack his of readiness. To which you think to yourself, “Well, why the hell did this dude present himself to me as if he wanted to pursue something with me?"
You don't want to retreat from him based on his status of emotional unavailability.
He looks available...
He acts available...
Why isn't he available?
I don't believe emotional unavailability is a one size fits all phase of life. I think it involves circumstances and limitations that differ from man to man, and I don't believe it's necessarily the demise of a relationship.
As women, we're told to run from emotionally unavailable men.
And as a woman who was burned twice by their type, I definitely learned how to run. But when I encountered an exception to that rule, I began to wonder how true this emotional unavailable stigma we place on millennial men of today's dating age really was, especially if they continue to try to date.
Is it them having their cake and eating it too?
Or is it trying to make a conscious effort to become available?
I asked three guys about their experiences with dating during periods of emotional unavailability and here is what they revealed:
What does it mean when a man is emotionally unavailable?
Richard: Whenever I've been emotionally unavailable, it was because I was not where I wanted to be in my life. It's usually during times where I am focused to the point of having blinders on. I am trying to get my degree, I'm trying to get a better job, I might have been unemployed at the time, in search of a good job. I might have not had a car. There are a lot of things that can make me feel less of a man.
If I don't feel like a man, I can't be your man.
Jason: I don't necessarily believe in conventional relationships at this juncture in my life. I'd say I'm emotionally unavailable now. I go on four or five dates a week with different women. I'm emotionally unavailable because I have a lot of options. Nothing has caught my attention yet.
Karem: I'm emotionally unavailable in all of my relationships. I've never not been emotionally unavailable. It's just how I am naturally. Unless you're my family, I will have a hard time connecting and opening to you in that way.
Will you commit to a woman when emotionally unavailable?
Richard: Definitely. I try not to date until I'm in a good place in my life, but I still might see women for other things (laughs). I can't commit to people when I don't feel like I'm bringing my best self to the relationship.
Jason: Yes and no. There have been one or two times in the past where I committed to a woman. I wasn't completely in the relationship, but I wasn't out of it. I was focused on her and only her. I was getting there. She left me though, got tired of my “games". Now, I don't bother to make the attempt to be available, so now it does stop me from committing.
Karem: No. I've had girlfriends and was very committed to them in those monogamous relationships. Because it's how I've always been, I can separate not feeling ready to be open with my emotions from committing to one person.
What does commitment look like when you are emotionally available?
Richard: I think commitment takes a certain level of emotion. So if I'm not available to you emotionally, it's not a commitment in the least. I'm not open to receiving what you have to give nor am I open to giving it. When I'm emotionally available, I'm committed. I make an effort towards you whether it be romantic dates, carving out time for you every day in some form or other, fulfilling your emotional needs – doing more than just fucking you.
Jason: When I am emotionally available, I feel that I am different. I don't always say that I'm different but I expect the woman that I am dealing with to appreciate my efforts and attempts to be close. I don't want to have to say “I love you" as much as I want her to understand my actions say that. When I'm emotionally unavailable, I don't care about any of that. I'm in the situation for myself, whether it be for companionship at an event or in my bed at night.
Karem: For me, I don't think there's any major difference. If I am committed to you, I am committed to you. My last girlfriend and I were together for 2 years and I wasn't emotionally available at all until two months before we broke up. I was on the phone with her and just felt the sense of relief. Like wow, I am myself with this person. So up until that point, maybe even in the future, commitment has been the same to me either way.
Is there a difference between a man being emotionally unavailable and a woman being emotionally available?
Richard: I think women assume the role of being the more emotional one out of the two of us. Not to say that men aren't emotional, because I am very emotional, but I find myself not equipped to deal and I run away. I'm afraid of them sometimes. I don't think women look at their emotions quite like that. I think readiness differs between us because in situations where I'd run, she stays and endures.
I don't want to approach anything half-assed and I think if I'm not where I want to be, I'm not ready.
Thinking about a relationship before that is out of the question for me, but a woman, I think she sees a challenge and is willing to battle the odds.
Jason: The difference in our readiness or our levels of commitment is portrayed by the difference in how our life cycles work. Men have the ability to have romance for a longer time. The older men get, the more women want you so we have more options and they get younger and they get finer.
Karem: I think it's more based on the commonalities of your gender roles. A woman might know at the age of 9 that she wants to be married. Guys don't realize they have to get married until they are 19 or 20. A woman might have a 10 or 11 year advantage with how they feel about significant life moments and how they deal with those feelings. I'm still 10 or 11 years behind you.
Is there anything that would make you become emotionally available?
Richard: I make the choice to become available in my dealings with women. I either put myself out there as someone who is available and ready to be open to a relationship, or the woman I've encountered forces me to step up out of fear of losing her.
Jason: I'm not sure. (Laughs) I've never thought about that. Maybe meeting someone that challenges my perception of the world? Maybe when I'm over this ride. Until then, I ain't about that life.
Karem: With my ex, I learned that it takes me being truly comfortable enough to feel like myself. I don't think it even registered to me as a conscious choice. It just happened.
Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally unavailable? Did you continue to date them or did you walk away?
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This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
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The Fall Equinox begins on September 23, 2023, and it’s time to embrace abundance, gain clarity, and know that you are worthy of your desires. The Fall Equinox marks the beginning of fall and the end of summer and is a turning point of the year, where things settle in and come to fruition. The energy that fall brings is one of harvest, but it is also one of release, letting go, and finding your ground. Coming from a summer of intensity, drama in love, and overall moving through a space of deep spiritual growth- now that fall is here, we are ready to decompress, dream, and enjoy that which we have created for ourselves.
What Is the Energy of the Fall Equinox 2023?
The energy this fall is opening up new doors of abundance and is a time of reaping your rewards in life. Fall begins at the same time as Libra Season, and a lot of these blessings have to do with love and the relationship developments that will be taking place over the next few months. With a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Libra occurring a few weeks after fall begins on October 14th, something enchanting is happening in romance right now. The scales are coming into balance, new beginnings are occurring, and clarity prevails.
Relationships over the next few months are about focusing on the gifts and gratitude you find in them and accepting where things need to change as well.
By the time winter begins, most of the planets that are currently in retrograde will be direct, and this signifies the change of pace that fall is bringing. This fall highlights Eclipse Season overall, and the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Taurus on October 28th will be a time of creating boundaries, honoring your values and energy, and closing a chapter in your life that doesn’t align. Financial worlds are growing and finding new ground, but with Jupiter still in retrograde in Taurus until December 30th, patience is needed here.
Over the next few months, give yourself the space to gain some new perspectives, make room for love, and grow in abundance.
Your guidance this fall is to take those first steps toward the goals you have been pondering over this year. There is a Full Moon in your sign a week after fall begins, and you get the opportunity to enter this season with less baggage and more closure. You will possibly be starting a new position or working in a new field, and you need all the good energy to back you right now. Know that you can count on your skills and talents to move you further in life and that help will be there when you least expect it. This is a fall of abundance for you, Aries, claim it.
Your lucky days this fall are: Sep. 29, Oct. 13, Nov. 13, Nov. 21
Patience, patience, patience, Taurus. You are creating something beautiful in the world right now, and the time it’s taken to get you here will all be worthwhile. Your guidance this fall is to nurture your world and your dreams and to bring more love and compassion to your life. You are preparing for a new reality but need some more time to dream it up and define that which you want for yourself and your future. The Full Lunar Eclipse happening this fall is occurring in your sign, and you are moving through some major closures in your life right now. This is a creative time for you, Taurus.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 28, Oct. 29, Nov. 6, Nov. 20
This fall is all about taking care of yourself and valuing your time and energy, Gemini. The way you see yourself and your life are coming up for review right now, and you are being urged to look at yourself in a better light. Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde for the last time this year on December 13th, just before fall ends, and this time is all about taking what you have learned and choosing better for yourself. You may be tested to be more confident or true to yourself right now and over the next few months, and it’s about owning your part in this life and standing up for what you want.
Your lucky days this fall are: Sep. 25, Oct. 21, Nov. 20, Dec. 12
This is an abundant fall for you, Cancer. You have worked diligently on claiming the opportunities and new doors that have been opening for you, and you are feeling free to be your successful self. You are encouraged in your independence right now, and you have proven to yourself just how talented you are and how much you have grown. No major aspects are happening in your sign this fall, giving you the space to breathe, create, and receive your rewards. Happiness fills your world, and even though you still feel like you are just getting started in a sense, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the gifts that are presenting themselves today.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 13, Oct. 15, Nov. 12, Nov. 13
This fall is a turning point for you in love, Leo. New developments are taking place in your relationships, and you are being received especially favorably. This is the time to open your heart to growth and new possibilities and to get creative with what you are looking for right now. The Last Quarter Moon happening in your sign on November 5th will be a turning point for you this fall. Your unique charm and charisma are enough, and you attract many to you through your natural energy and love for life. Your ship is coming in this fall, and your heart is fulfilled.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 1, Oct. 31, Nov. 5, Nov. 14
Virgo, this fall is a blessing for the heart space. You are feeling in tune emotionally, and there is positive energy coming your way and into your love life. You have spent a lot of this year healing, forgiving, and finding your voice, and over the next few months, you will be creating the spaces you have been looking to enter in your life. Venus enters your sign for a month on October 8th, and there are some pleasant surprises in store for you during this time. Fresh starts are coming in for you, and spiritually, you are awakening to the gifts within you and in your heart. Your beauty is showing, and love is coming in for you this fall.
Your lucky days this fall are: Sep. 25, Oct. 22, Nov. 5, Nov. 20
This fall is a new beginning for your financial world, Libra. Autumn begins the same day Libra Season does, and you have some extra motivation and energy within you right now. You are ready to put the action behind the intentions you have been setting for yourself financially, and this is a time of plans coming together and falling through to success. The more you stay focused and diligent, the more opportunities that can come for you right now. The first month of fall, the Sun is in your sign, and this is really the time to get things moving in your life, especially with a New Moon Eclipse in Libra on October 14th happening as well.
Your lucky days this fall are: Sep. 27, Oct. 14, Oct. 30, Nov. 20
It’s all about the vision for you right now, Scorpio. You are focused on the future, your path ahead, and manifesting your dreams, and there is something passionate about the next few months for you. You may be taking some risks this fall as you test the boundaries on how far you want to go with something and what worlds are opening up to you now. Mars is in your sign from October 12th until November 24th, and life is exciting for you right now. You have your eyes on the prize and are ready to move forward toward the things that are lighting you up right now.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 12, Oct. 13, Nov. 6, Nov. 13,
This fall is about taking a leap of faith, Sagittarius. Your guidance over the next few months is to do the things that you would do if you knew you would be supported in doing them. Less self-doubt is needed now, as you are walking on new ground. You are moving towards personal healing you have been wary of from the beginning, and you are ready to let go of some energy that has been holding you back. Trust that once you decide on something, the universe instantly begins to make it happen for you. Your season begins on November 22nd, and it’s time to put yourself first more. Have courage in yourself this fall.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 8, Nov. 22, Nov. 24, Dec. 12
This fall is all about clarity for you, Capricorn. You are a wise soul, and you are owning this energy about yourself right now. Over the next few months, you will be developing spiritually, helping those who need your sound advice, and evolving in life. You have found a new sense of enlightenment and are enjoying the clear perspective that has been gained. Mercury goes retrograde in your sign on December 13th, right before fall ends, and this is when you will be feeling more tested to take the lead in your life and use your voice. Overall, fall 2023 is your time to surrender to the good within you and in your life, Capricorn.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 10, Oct. 23, Nov. 4, Dec. 1
Things are moving fast for you this fall, Aquarius. This is a successful, harmonious, and passionate time for you, as many opportunities come your way at once. It will be hard to settle down with all the energy flowing through your life over the next few months, as you have so much to do and so many people to see. Overall, however, this is positive energy that you have been looking forward to in your life, and everything is coming together and moving forward where it was once stagnant. Fall is giving you the closure and the opportunity to reinvent yourself and start on new, solid ground in your life.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 30, Oct. 31, Nov. 20, Nov. 28
Your guidance for fall is to have balance in your life. There is a lot of new coming in for you, but you are also working on letting go of what has fallen. You have grown in many ways this year, and financially, you have seen growth as well but may be feeling the weight of responsibilities this has come with now. To move through this season with the most grace, give yourself more time to rest, to be, and allow things to fall into place on their own. Saturn has been retrograde in your sign since June and goes direct this fall on November 4th, Pisces. This is your opportunity to see things more clearly, protect your energy, and feel more in tune with your internal guidance system.
Your lucky days this fall are: Oct. 22, Nov. 4, Nov. 6, Dec. 12
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