

Whenever I sit down to pen something on relationships, it typically comes from a personal place. Truth is, if I haven't personally experienced it, a friend has or I've counseled some clients on the issue. And y'all, when it comes to the term known as "emotionally available" (and unavailable)—bae-bay…I could write 10 books on the topic. At least. The thing that I've personally always found to be so fascinating about emotionally unavailable men is a lot of them are actually pretty nice guys. They're smart. They're fun to be around. When they're actually with you (meaning physically in your presence), they tend to treat you really well too. I think that's how so many of us get caught up—we think that because they aren't abusive, arrogant, or jackasses that they aren't problematic.
That is until we find ourselves super mentally and emotionally (and sometimes sexually) invested in them while coming to the realization that things aren't exactly mutual. Then we see that we've been spending (or is it wasting?) weeks, months, sometimes even years dealing with an individual who had absolutely no intention of getting only but so deep—sometimes only kiddie pool deep, at that. They planned on becoming only but so available. They planned on deciding to commit only but so far. One day, I'll dive deep into why a lot of people—not just men, chile—are opting to be emotionally unavailable (because in many ways, it is indeed a choice), no matter how much a good person may be staring them right in the face.
For now, I just want to make sure that you value your time, effort, and energy by showing some clear indications of what an emotionally available man is like, along with a few signs of how an emotionally unavailable man gets down too.
The Signs Of An Emotionally Available Man
1. An Emotionally Available Man Is Open to Having REAL Conversations
One of my favorite heads-up Scriptures in the Bible is, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30—NKJV) Not only is it a reminder to not be so caught up in how you look that you don't make sure that your character (and relationship with God) is on point, it also tells us that charm can play real tricks on the mind—and y'all, there are A LOT of charming men out here. To charm is literally to have the ability to attract and to deceive in order to mislead and falsely persuade. And one way a charming guy will do this is by avoiding real conversations.
What I mean by "real" is the article, "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have" that I wrote a couple of years ago. Yeah, a charming guy is going to do all that he can to avoid engaging in that. So, if you're seeing someone who has no problem sharing his emotions, talking about what he desires in a relationship, the mistakes he's made in the past, where he sees himself, relationally in the future and—this is a big one—what he desires to experience with you, in real time, this is a good sign that he's emotionally available—because he is, quite literally, available to share his emotions with you (more on this in a bit).
2. His Life Is “Relationship Conducive”
A part of what it takes to be in a mature relationship is being willing to own up to your own ish. When I reflect on the missteps that I took in many of my past relationships, one of them was being drawn to men who weren't ready and/or interested (because those aren't always or necessarily one and the same) in the kind of dynamic that I desired. That's actually why I penned, "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material" and "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife" for the site. When a man is emotionally available, he tends to have a lifestyle that makes being in a non-casual relationship possible.
Now, I'm not necessarily saying that he's ready to get married tomorrow. What I am saying is he's open to meeting "the one" and if that happens, it won't take a billion years for progress to be made because he's in a "husband potential" space in the sense of things like knowing what his purpose is; being financially stable and responsible (that doesn't mean "rich"; just stable); having closure and clarity about his past relationships; being spiritually mature; being a healthy communicator—you know, things that would make for a solid relationship.
There is a guy that I know who is awesome. He really is. Yet whenever I go to his house, off the rip, I can tell that he's not, what I call, "relationship conducive". You walk in and it screams, "I am absolutely in no rush to bring a woman into this space." That's fine. It's his right. Yet I'll know that when it becomes more warm, less cluttered and a lot less "80s bachelor pad" like up in there, his heart will have opened up a bit more. (I brought this point up to him, by the way. He totally agreed.)
3. An Emotionally Available Man Is Reliable and Consistent
I've said it before and I'm pretty sure I'll say it a billion more times before I close my eyes for the final time. In my 20s, I wanted a man who looked good. In my 30s, I wanted a man who treated me right. In my 40s, I want a man who can fix my car. That last point is as symbolic as it is literal because, something that maturity teaches you is to desire someone who can meet your literal needs and is consistent in doing so. A man who is emotionally available can do just that. What he says he will do—or not do—is what you can depend on. He's not one way with you on Monday and then someone different by Thursday.
Matter of fact, he's so self-aware that oftentimes a woman who isn't emotionally available her damn self thinks that he's being inflexible because he doesn't switch up much when, the reality is, he simply values his character, his word and his reputation so much that he would rather stick to what he said than be convinced to do otherwise. If you know a man who you can pretty much set your watch by, he's a gem. He's usually pretty emotionally available too.
4. An Emotionally Available Man's Relational Track Record Is Sensical, Stable and Mature
Speaking of reputation, you know something that I used to have a problem with? Giving someone too much of the benefit of the doubt. What I mean by that is, while it's one thing for two people to side-eye someone, when all of your homies are like, "Girl, that one right there is a trip", you really should take heed. For instance, there is one guy I know who, when it comes to being a fun date and a cool person to hang out with, everyone can pretty much agree that he's that guy. But when it comes to his dating life? I honestly don't know one individual who doesn't either snicker at the mere mention of his name or find themselves triggered because of how he has BS'd them in some way.
No one is perfect. A lot of us can stand to remember that when it comes to the dating scene. Yet being a flawed human vs. being a colossal wreck are two totally different things. An emotionally available man may have some missteps in his past relationships—again, most of us do—yet he's not going to be out here with tons of drama and trauma left in his wake. For the record, this can include him being someone who hasn't had a lot of serious relationships before or someone who has rarely said "I love you" (I don't know why some women think that a man is only ready for a real relationship if he's had his heart torn to shreds a million times over). His moves are calculated and intentional. His name ain't out here in these streets for being a womanizer more than just about anything else.
5. Emotionally Available Men Express Emotion
Wanna know if a man is emotionally available? HE WILL BE ABLE TO CLEARLY EXPRESS HIS EMOTIONS WITHOUT HESITATION—and yes, I am yelling that. While I wholeheartedly believe that God created men and women to have certain differences in how they see and approach life (argue amongst yourselves on that), at the same time, I also think that some things make us all human, period. And conveying emotions shouldn't be a "masculine" or "feminine" thing—it should be a humanity thing.
This doesn't mean that I expect men to express themselves in the same way that we do but damn—if he's happy, he should be able to say that. If his feelings are hurt, he should be able to say that. If he is disappointed or confused about something, he should be able to say that. If he needs you in his life, he should be able to say that. If he loves you and wants things to go to another level, he should be able to say that—and you should be able to be the safe space for him to say these kinds of things (that's another article for another time, though).
Sometimes, we're out here trying to make things more complicated than they actually are.
To be emotional is to be in a conscious state of awareness that you know what your emotions are, at any given time. To be available is to be ready and willing to do something. If a man is emotionally available, he is literally going to be aware of his emotions and then ready and willing to express them.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
The Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Man
1. Emotionally Unavailable Men Have Sex Easily but Suck at Intimacy
When it comes to this particular point, please make the time to check out, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner". Because society, as a whole, doesn't spend nearly enough time talking about how sex goes way beyond the physical, a lot of us continue to think that just because a man will have sex with us, many times over, and enjoy it, it must mean that he desires us on a deeper level. Unfortunately, that is not always or necessarily the case.
A couple of years ago, I heard R&B singer Tank talk about how he has (hopefully used to have since he's married now) a habit of having sex with women he barely knows like he is totally in love with him. He laughed when he said it. He's not an anomaly in this way. A lot of folks—men and women—are just like this (where do you think the phrase, "F—k smart, not hard" came from?). And when you give yourself to this kind of person, it can have you believing that there is some sort of intimacy that is being established when it could literally be a "mirage movie" that you've created in your own mind.
That's why I'm big on encouraging people to look for signs of true intimacy rather than merely falling for great sex.
Someone who is intimate with you wants to know about your thoughts and feelings. Someone who is intimate with you wants to spend time with you whether sex—which means any form of sexual activity—happens or not. Someone who wants to be intimate with you can have serious conversations; it's not always about just hanging out and having fun. Someone who wants to be intimate with you has no problem coming deeper into your world than just over to your house when no one else is there. Someone who wants to be intimate with you is open to a relationship—not just a situationship.
If whoever you're currently having sex with is only good at the sex itself, that is someone who sounds hella emotionally unavailable to me. Try and look past your libido to see if, deep down, you see red flags and can't deny that, deep down, you feel the same way as I do.
2. Emotionally Unavailable Men Don't Value Your Time and Feelings
The intro quote, I've shared before that it's one of my all-time favorite relational ones. When the late and great Bob Marley once said, "The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her"—won't it preach? A coward is someone who is easily intimidated. A coward is someone who lacks courage. A coward is someone who is fearful. And you know what? Emotionally unavailable men tend to be all of these things. And when someone operates from a cowardly space, they have absolutely no problem with wasting other people's time and feelings. The reason why I say that is because, when someone is afraid of something (or someone), it tends to make them stagnant and when you're stagnant, how can you ever make any progress? Within yourself or with anyone else?
There's a guy I know who's been dating the same woman for at least eight years now; a woman who would marry him in a heartbeat. He is one of the most marriage-phobic people I have ever met. When I say to him, "Don't you fear that you are wasting her time?", he usually says something along the lines of, "We're having a good time right now and, to me, that's all that really matters." To him, that's all that matters. While she definitely has to own the fact that she's staying in this kind of dynamic, I still believe that when a man respects the woman who he's with, he's going to care about not dwindling her days away or getting her more attached if he knows that he can support those feelings in the way that she would like him to. An emotionally available man would (probably) never. An emotionally unavailable one? This is basically a signature trait.
3. For Emotionally Unavailable Men, Commitment Is Not a Priority. Pretty Much Ever.
I've penned articles on the site like "5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes", "Here's How You Know He Won't Commit To You. Like, EVER." and "He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?". Now to be fair, there are some men out here who, just because they don't want to get married, that doesn't mean that they run away from commitment. Some folks are content being in an exclusive relationship without a marriage license and a stroll down the aisle. When it comes to this particular point that I'm closing this out with, it doesn't really matter though; not if you're someone who does want to get married. If you're seeing a guy and he knows that jumping the broom is important to you and nothing ever changes in your relational dynamic, uh-uh…it's time for a shift.
You know, I'm someone who has absolutely no problem with regrets because they are all about remorse. Well, one thing that I regret is literally wasting my time with certain guys in my past. It was a waste because when you put more into something than you get back, that is a textbook definition of the word. And when it comes to emotionally unavailable men, they can spend all kinds of time with you, never ever take things beyond where they are, know that you desire to, and sleep like a baby at night. Every night.
A man who is emotionally available isn't interested in sharing his deep emotions with someone who is here today and gone tomorrow. An emotionally unavailable guy couldn't care less because he's so emotionally shallow in his dealings with other people that he doesn't really feel losing them as much of a loss.
Clearly, I could go on and on about this. For now, I'm hoping this has at least given you a bit of insight. At the end of the day, an emotionally available man is well…available. An emotionally unavailable one is pretty much any and everything…but.
Featured image by Hispanolistic/Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Feature image courtesy
Earlier this week, I took a male friend of mine out for a belated birthday lunch. We both work in media, so we always have a lot — and I mean, A LOT — to talk about. Anyway, since we both were in our 20s in the 90s, we found ourselves discussing how blessed—yes, BLESSED—we were to have had the kind of R&B that that decade provided. Chile, I would provide a list of examples; however, there is not enough time or space, plus, I don’t want y’all yelling at me in the comments because I inadvertently left someone out.
Anyway, as we were also talking about how, let’s go with ho-hum, a lot of R&B is right now, especially when it comes to the lack of seduction that the genre used to have back in the day, I shared with him a joke that I once heard from comedian Deon Cole as he was comparing After 7 to today’s music. I’m actually going to post it below, so that you can get the full effect. LOL.
Video credit: @netflixisajoke
And that made me think of The Whispers and their throwback song, “In the Mood.” The real ones recall the lyrics: “Let me rub your shoulders (just relax)/Just let go/Slip on somethin' sexy/It's all right, baby, let me take control, hoo/ Step into the shower/I'll wash your back and you'll wash mine/Please stay for one more hour/I just want to make sweet love to you and feel you one more time….This is what I do to get you in the mood…Baby, I do it all to get you in the mood.” Ah, yes, music that sounds like intimacy instead of getting banged out.
And that made me want to ask a few women about what gets them in the mood as it directly relates to bedroom action, along with what, well, doesn’t. Check out what they said and then hop in the comments to share your own thoughts.
It’s always fascinating to hear about women’s sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
*Middle names are always used, so that people can speak freely*
1. Areyla. Single. 34.
TURN ON: “I’ve always been drawn to two things: how a man smells and how crisp his line-up is. You bring a man to me who smells earthy and sexy whenever I hug him, and then he has the nerve to have a fresh haircut — girl, I am all over him! I think that it mostly has to do with those things being a sign of self-care, in a meticulous way. And if you’re into the details of you, I have no question that you will be into the details of me.”
TURN OFF: “Dirty fingernails. I have a natural curve in my own nails, so I get that it’s not always about a lack of hygiene or that he’s negligent. I just know that if you want your hands to go into certain places and spaces, you’ve got to get up under those nails, babe. I keep metal files and nail brushes in my bathroom because of it.”
2. Dachelle. Dating. 29.
TURN ON: “There are dirty talkers, then there are sensual speakers. I don’t need you to sound like you transcribed a porn video during sex. I do like when a man drops his voice an octave, speaks barely above a whisper, and asks me questions like, ‘So, what do you want me to do to you tonight? Be specific.’ And don’t let him have a strong vocabulary! I am definitely a sapiosexual, so the more intentional he is with his words, the better.”
TURN OFF: “Men who don’t cuddle. Maybe that sounds obvious, but some of my friends couldn’t care less about that. To me, if you don’t want to be close to me unless you are inside of me, that feels like we only have a physical connection, and sex means more to me than that. A man who spoons me right after sex because he wants to is gonna get another round from me. A man who doesn’t doesn’t, he also doesn’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”
Shellie here: If you’re unfamiliar with what a sapiosexual is, check out “Tap Into What It Means To Be A Sapiosexual.”
3. Chayla. Engaged. 27.
TURN ON: “This might sound weird, but I like a man who doesn’t ‘come in hot.’ You know — guys who go down on you and act like they know just how you like it, or guys who immediately put you in a sex position and go ham like I should immediately be impressed. For me, that translates that they are doing to me what they’ve done with some woman before me, and we might not like the same things. That’s why I enjoy sexual conversations before sexual experiences. Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me. My fiancé is like that — and that’s a big part of why he’s about to be my husband.”
"Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me."
TURN OFF: “There’s nothing wrong with some hair pulling during sex; I’m all for it. What I need you to not do is pull my head into your stomach while I’m giving you head. There is already too much going on during that time and a sistah needs to breathe!”
Shellie here: We actually tackled the hair-pulling topic before on this platform. Check out “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” when you get a chance.
4. Indigo. Married. 41.
TURN ON: “I know I sound married when I say this, but — clean this house, baby. In our home, we have a chores chart, kind of like what some of us grew up with. My husband and I each have days when we do certain things, so when he takes the initiative to do what’s on my list? That’s less work for me, which gives me more energy for him. And don’t let that man cook and clean up the kitchen more than twice in a week. How do you want it? How do you freaking want it, my love?’
TURN OFF: “My husband does his own laundry. We’re all grown and just like we have periods, men have fluids ‘n stuff in their drawers too. That’s fine. But anyone who says that keeping some mystery in a marriage isn’t needed, that’s somebody who doesn’t want to have a lot of sex. Just sayin’.”
Shellie here: There’s actually something to that chore thing. Studies say that couples who share chores end up having more sex. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. Twyla. Dating. 25.
TURN ON: “Hickeys turn me on. Two things that I can’t do are whistle and give hickeys, so I’m amazed when others can do it — and yes, when I see…what do the older folks call it, love bites, on my breasts or tummy, that makes me feel desired on another level and it puts me in the mood pretty quick.”
TURN OFF: “Hickeys where you can see them are a turn-off, though. I don’t need people all up in my business. Also, guys who don’t let you know when they’re about to cum when they’re in your mouth. Not everyone’s taste and flow are the same down there, and I have a gag reflex. Announce the rainstorm, sir. I appreciate it.”
6. Essence. Married. 31.
TURN ON: “Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants. You ever had a man tongue down, not just your neck but your wrists, tummy, and even behind your knees? A good kisser is one thing. A good all-over-the-place one? I ain’t going no damn where.”
" Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants."
TURN OFF: “Stubble. On the face and down there. It puts me in a bind because I think my husband is sexy with a salt and pepper stubble beard, but when we do a lot of kissing, it gives me beard burn, and when I’m giving him head, stubbly pubes irritate my forehead. I mean, you asked.”
7. Queen. Divorced (and Dating). 33.
TURN ON: “Men who know that there is more to us than T&A is a huge turn on for me. Kiss my forehead. Lick my neck. When you’ve got my legs on your shoulders, kiss my legs. Suck on my fingers. Help me find new spots that turn me on. Sh-t. Is it hot in here? Damn.”
TURN OFF: “My turn off is the opposite of my turn on. It’s not even so much that I want a lot of foreplay — I just want you to act like you don’t just have to play with my kitty kat to get me going. Men who don’t learn how to enjoy all of a woman are lazy lovers — and that is going to turn me dry every time.”
8. Eleena. Single. 46.
TURN ON: “If you want to get me in the mood, call me to ask what kind of sex I want to have with you. Maybe it’s just me, but my mood can determine what I’m in the mood for. One day, I might want a lot of romance. One day, we might need a safe word. One day, a quickie is what I have in mind. Pre-gaming the sex by discussing gets me in the mood because it gets us both on the same page before anything happens — and that can already make sex hot as hell.”
TURN OFF: “I don’t like it when men have sex with themselves. I don’t mean masturbating — I mean, when you are nothing more than the audience to whatever they have in mind. It’s like they get off on themselves: looking in the mirror, asking 'Do you like that?' when they aren’t really doing anything. If we’re having sex, I need you present and into me. Otherwise, you can do whatever you had in mind…by yourself…at your house.”
9. Reveeda. Married. 43.
TURN ON: “A lot of times, it’s not the sex itself that makes sex boring — it’s the predictableness of it. Take me while I’m washing my face in the bathroom. Go down on me in the driveway of our home. Shoot me a text and tell me to meet you at the first hotel where we had sex. My husband is the best that I’ve ever had because, yes, he’s good in bed, but more than that, he’s spontaneous and that gets me in the mood — and keeps me in the mood.”
TURN OFF: “69’ing turns me off. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and it’s hard for me to concentrate. Plus, I can’t get the right angle while doing him, and I can’t put his head where I want it to be while he’s doing me. Y’all can keep that position. Sex shouldn’t be so complicated.” (She laughed while she said it.)
10. Umi. Divorced (and Single) 36.
TURN ON: “I like to be flung around like I only weigh 10 pounds. I like to be choked. I like a man who stares me dead in the eyes while eating me up. Sexual confidence is gonna get me every time.”
TURN OFF: “Men who bring their ego into the bedroom. You might think that confidence and an ego are the same thing, but they’re not. Men who want to be rated, who want to know if I think their penis is the best ever or who assume that they are doing me right without consulting me — that’s not confidence; that’s peak insecurity and a total waste of my time. From the bottom of my heart, check your ego at the door.”
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There you have it — 10 women who are crystal clear about what gets them going and what stops them dead in their tracks. What can you relate to? What makes little to no sense to you at all?
At the very least, forward this on to your girlfriends and hold your own unofficial polls the next time that y’all meet up. You never know what you might learn to get you even more in the mood — and what to do about the things that get you out of that same headspace.
After all, knowledge is power. Even in that bedroom of yours.
Straight up.
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