Morgan Harper Nichols Got The Clarity She Needed Through An Autism Diagnosis At 30
If you're on Instagram, you have likely come across words written by Morgan Harper Nichols and, if you have, chances are you were both moved and inspired by her words. If you haven't come across her beautiful words, trust me when I tell you that you are missing out on some gems. Artist, poet, and musician Morgan Harper Nichols has managed to cultivate a massive following on Instagram (1.7 million and counting to be exact) with her magical, soulful words. Words that seem to hit you right in the gut because it's just what you needed to hear.
I'm one of those 1.7 million followers and the one word that comes to mind whenever I see a post from Morgan is vulnerability. The kind of vulnerability that makes you want to share too. In fact, in 2017, Morgan started a project where she invited people to share their stories with her via her website. And guess what? People shared. Morgan was able to take those stories from readers all over the world and create art with her responses to the stories she received. Of course, all stories and names are kept private but the art she has been able to create from those stories is shared all over social media daily.
Courtesy of Morgan Harper Nichols
Morgan's supporters are not the only ones that share personal stories though. Earlier this year, Morgan shared something very personal with her followers and blog subscribers. She shared that she was officially diagnosed with autism. The average age of an autism diagnosis is around three years old, so receiving a diagnosis as an adult is not as common and more difficult as there is no established procedure for diagnosing autism in adults. On her journey to diagnosis, Morgan found just how difficult it would prove to be. She shared that she actually asked her doctor for a referral years ago after suspecting that she might be on the spectrum. Her concerns were dismissed and she was told that she had nothing to worry about. She took his word but only for a moment.
Last year, Morgan got the courage to reach out again for help and today she is so grateful that she did.
Morgan on what led her to believe she needed help:
"There were a few things, but primarily I was struggling with a lot of social and communication issues. Especially in high school and college but I just thought that I was awkward. I would miss out on social cues and even basic things like email etiquette were a struggle for me. I just kind of put it on myself and thought that I needed to grow up and stop being so awkward. But by the time I was in my late twenties and grown, I realized I was still struggling with these issues and I felt like there was just something there and I didn't know what it was.
"My parents had actually talked about autism before but it is not a diagnosis that you even considered for a lot of girls, especially back in the 90s. And more so for girls of color. And black girls, it's almost impossible. I felt tired and exhausted all of the time. Now I know that I have a lot of sensory processing issues. I didn't realize that things like loud music or bright lights wear on me throughout the day. I just thought that I was just extra tired. So, that's what led me to seek help the first time."
"By the time I was in my late twenties and grown, I realized I was still struggling with these issues and I felt like there was just something there and I didn't know what it was. My parents had actually talked about autism before but it is not a diagnosis that you even considered for a lot of girls, especially back in the 90s. And more so for girls of color. And black girls, it's almost impossible."
Courtesy of Morgan Harper Nichols
On why seeking a diagnosis was the right thing for her and her quality of life:
"I had also dealt with pretty severe depression as a teenager. I think other people who have dealt with depression can relate to this but you just kind of know when you're headed in a direction you don't want to go back in. When I was a teenager, everything was so stressful. I mean, everything from trying to make friends to trying to keep up with school. I was just so overwhelmed and that drove me to depression. I think that was a part of it too, recognizing that it was something there and not wanting to go back to that place and wanting to get help."
Morgan on what has changed since receiving her autism diagnosis:
"One of the first things that the specialist said to me right after giving me the whole rundown of the diagnosis was, 'And it's not your fault.' I cried decades of tears in that moment. It was just such a healing moment for me because I had been putting so much responsibility on myself, especially after having had a medical professional look at me and say I was fine and had nothing to worry about. Having that said to me, I felt it was my fault and that I had to fix it. So having another professional who knows this diagnosis backward and forward tell me that it wasn't my fault just changed a lot for me.
"Since then, I've made some adjustments in my day-to-day life. I realized I was putting so much responsibility on myself, even with work and not asking for help. I kept thinking that I could do it. I've gotten help with things like managing emails. It's hard though because there's a part of me that feels like I should be able to do these things on my own. There's a lot of stigma around asking for help and unfortunately, we live in a society where people don't feel like they can ask for help, even more so black women. I feel like now I finally have the language to work through that and say, 'OK Morgan, I know you feel like you should be able to do this by yourself but there are legitimate reasons why you can't.' I've got to seek help and that's new for me because I do try to take all that on my own."
"I cried decades of tears in that moment. It was just such a healing moment for me because I had been putting so much responsibility on myself, especially after having had a medical professional look at me and say I was fine and had nothing to worry about. Having another professional who knows this diagnosis backward and forward tell me that it wasn't my fault just changed a lot for me."
Courtesy of Morgan Harper Nichols
On what it was like telling those close to her about her autism:
"It was surprisingly a very loving and supportive experience and I consider that to be a huge privilege. I have a sister who was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome and ADHD as well. Because of that, my family at least had some kind of frame of mind on how to deal with these issues. You know, at least how to support each other through them. I only knew about autism because my mom was the one who thought something may be there but she had doctors tell her I was fine. My husband and friends were also very supportive.
"I was just surprised at how supportive people were. I think one thing that can hold people back (including myself) from wanting to share is that sometimes you may feel like you're putting a burden on other people. What I found is that people want to support you. Once you share, you're going to find that people really do care. I was even shocked at the amount of response that I got on social media. There's so much happening in the world and on social media, so I didn't know what to expect. I was just blown about by the support. If teenager-me could have seen this, she wouldn't have believed it. So grateful."
On what she would tell someone who might have a hard time advocating for themself:
"Honestly, the first thing that came to mind is something that I have honestly had to hold on to from the moment with that first doctor all the way to today and in different areas of my life, and that's that there are other people out there. And I say that for those moments where a person looks at you and says that there is nothing wrong with you, you need to stop asking about this, or you need to do this or you need to do that. Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that there are other people out there. Yes, there are people who will shut you down, but there are also other people out there who won't. It might take time to find those other people, but it is worth the pursuit."
Courtesy of Morgan Harper Nichols
Morgan on 'How Far You've Come' and what she hopes readers will gain from her book:
"The book actually started by going through my phone and looking at photos. It was the beginning of the pandemic and I was just thinking about all of the places I've been and could not get to. I ended up on this photo that I took at sunrise in New Mexico years ago. I'm a visual artist and one thing I love to do is paint over photos. So, I took the photo and I put it on my iPad and I started painting over it. When I started painting over it, I started thinking about how much I loved the photo and how beautiful it was. And when I looked at the date of this photo, it was a really hard season and a really hard time in life.
"I just started thinking about how there's probably so many moments in my life where there's two things happening at once, that I managed to notice something beautiful amidst the chaos. So, I wrote the book literally by going through my camera roll and looking at my photos and at different places on the map and finding beautiful pictures and also finding where I was growing in courage or strength even when there was so much else going on."
"I hope the book encourages you to go through your camera roll and find those photographs that show you how far you have come. My hope is that readers are able to see that with everything going on, they are still capturing beauty and able to notice where light is pouring in. I think that those two things together can teach us a lot about our journeys and help us give ourselves some credit for how far we've come."
Morgan's newest book How Far You Have Come: Musings on Beauty and Couragewill be released on April 27th and is currently available for pre-order.
Featured image courtesy of Morgan Harper Nichols
Erica Green is a Clinical Research Associate, blogger, and a sneakerhead. She has a love for all things women and she's pretty sure that women are God's greatest creation. Connect with her on Instagram @ erica_britt_ or www.lovethegspot.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images