

When you post a picture to Instagram, there's so much people don't see. And for the past three years, I've gotten good at sharing my life's highlights:
Toasting cocktails with Oprah Winfrey, interviewing Denzel Washington on the red carpet, traveling to Jamaica to dance around in a bejeweled Carnival costume and hitting the campaign trail to interview trailblazers. My career as a journalist and host has been a dream realized and many weeks have felt like drinking out of a fire hose of opportunities with endless stories to tell. I simply love what I do.
But while I was busy telling other people's stories, I was quietly hiding the most challenging parts of my own — tucking them away from the very spotlight I so enjoyed being in.
Filtered out of Instagram's 4x4 digital frame were: doctor visits in small sterile rooms, IVs poked into the softest creases of my skin, MRI scan machines like giant coffins swallowing my body whole, white cylinder pills I could never remember to take before breakfast, and countless days where getting out of bed — once an automated routine — felt like mission impossible.
When I was diagnosed with lupus, I had just turned 30.
I'd spent a brutally cold winter hustling and grinding in my first media job in New York City. But life had turned to an upswing. I was settling into my closet-sized apartment in Harlem; I'd proudly closed the chapter on a bad relationship; and I had my first big press junket where I'd be the on-camera interviewer.
This was my season to come up.
Then, one day I couldn't bend my wrists.
I recall waking up in my bedroom, looking down and wondering why they were so sore.
The pain was excruciating and it felt like cement had been injected into my joints. My body felt like someone slashed a balloon, letting all the energy inside of me deflate. So I slapped on an IcyHot patch and powered through the day, going into the office for business as usual to film a news video. After about a week of discomfort, finally the pain screamed loudly enough that I made moves and went to the doctor.
Days later, when I'd forgotten all about the visit, my cell rang while I was at work talking with my boss. By the time I finished with him I missed the call, so I stepped out of our tiny shared office space to call back. "Ms. Alford, you tested positive for ANA, which is linked to arthritis. I'd like you to come in for further testing," the doctor told me.
Strange. Arthritis at 30 years old? Surely this was a mistake.
More appointments were made. I went along, still convinced nothing could seriously be wrong.
About two weeks later, I met with a rheumatologist (a doctor who specializes in joints and bones) letting him poke, prod and examine my body, before he casually declared, "I think you have lupus."
The weight of his words hung in the air.
Lupus? What was that? The first thing that came to my mind was Toni Braxton, the legendary singer who I'd heard periodically struggled with the illness.
The doctor explained it was an autoimmune illness, in which your immune system attacks healthy cells and organs. Some cases were mild and others were severe. Testing and observation would reveal where I stood in the years to come. "Aren't I too young for something like that?" I told him half laughing, half hoping he would reconsider his diagnosis.
"You're never too young for anything," he responded, flatly.
I left the office that day confused and shocked, told to come back soon for follow up tests.
At 30, I was in the prime of my life. I wanted the life I had imagined. I didn't want a new normal. I didn't want to have lupus.
"I wanted the life I had imagined. I didn't want a new normal. I didn't want to have lupus."
After mulling it over a bit, I vowed to carry on and not overthink it. I had a salsa dancing date planned that weekend, and I could deal with this lupus thing later.
After about four hours of Puerto Rican rhythms and spinning turns on an old vinyl dance floor in East Harlem, I jumped up with shooting pain in my chest — it felt like glass shards were being dragged across my lungs each time I took a breath — sharp, deep and painful.
"I'm really sorry to do this, but I think I have to go to the hospital," I told my date, completely embarrassed.
"It's okay, let's go," he said.
We waited for hours in the Emergency Room as doctors ran my vital signs, injected me with pain medication and confirmed that these were signs of a flare — a scenario when lupus is highly active in the body, my immune system attacking my healthy tissues, a small pocket of fluid developing in my lungs.
I would be released from the ER late that next morning, but rather than rest, I ran to research questions to ask celebrities at my upcoming press junket.
When I showed up to shoot my interview, no one knew I'd just been in the hospital 24 hours beforehand.
I posted a photo on Instagram smiling with actress Tichina Arnold — who ironically (or maybe divinely) was a lupus advocate. But as much as I wanted to, I wouldn't dare say a word to her either.
And in that moment being ill in plain sight became my superpower.
Over the next few months rather than dig further into my new diagnosis, I doubled down on denial, blowing off taking my daily medication — two Plaquenil pills that kept the disorder at bay — diving deeper into my work to prove that nothing would stop me from my media career — and of course that lupus wasn't a real thing, for me at least.
The approach worked — mostly.
For the first year of my diagnosis, there'd be stretches of time — sometimes months — without major issues. So I'd stop taking my medication altogether. Then I'd get a cold that would last for weeks and morph into pneumonia.
Working for a small digital news company, there wasn't always someone to pass along my responsibilities to, so I'd work when I didn't feel well, calculating that I simply couldn't afford to take a day off. That only compounded the struggle.
I fell victim to the dangerously unhealthy mentality that is often ingrained into young women of color: you must work twice as hard. There's no space for weakness. Do the work or get replaced with someone who will.
Being young and "sick" felt like a Scarlet letter, an asterisk on a life that had so much more to it than this one chapter. What if the dreams I'd worked so hard for, went right out the window?
As the months, then years, marched on in my journey, I was discovering something — I was still advancing professionally. Getting new and better opportunities. Garnering some praise for my work.
I thought I could run from lupus, not knowing it could catch up to me.
The realest wake up call would come early in 2018, when I flew to Los Angeles. I traveled on barely any sleep after working through the weekend, posting a picture on Instagram announcing my arrival. Shortly after I would check into the ER with a fever and lupus flare, this time thousands of miles from home.
As I sat in the hospital bed a few hours after being checked in, I got a phone call — it was the president of the National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ).
She was calling to tell me I'd won Emerging Journalist of the Year, a signature award given to young black journalists to recognize their potential. I would be recognized that summer at the national convention in front of my family and peers.
The irony of getting this award, was that it had been renamed in honor of another young journalist — a rising star and beloved community member— who right before starting his dream job, died from health complications at the age of 32.
I was turning 32 in two months.
In that moment, I had an epiphany:
I didn't ask for this condition and it wasn't my fault, but prioritizing my health was no longer optional.
If I wanted to enjoy the success I'd work for, I had to change my life.
Lupus could be managed.
And the only person stopping that process was me.
Today, I have nothing left to hide.
Over the past year, I've started to make changes that reflect a new normal:
I more consistently take my medication. A friend offered to text me every morning to ensure I took it, until it became a habit.
My denial about needing it has given way to understanding that I pay a hefty price (both physically and financially) when I don't take it.
I no longer say "yes" to every single thing I'm invited to. There was a time I felt obligated to show up to every press junket, interview or opportunity to provide coverage for things that I wasn't even that interested in.
These days I'm more discerning. Anything I choose to travel to or make time for takes valuable energy. I try to make my schedule reflect my actual values and journalistic priorities.
I've learned how to be an advocate for myself with doctors, treating my condition with the same focus, research and attention I put into reporting a story.
This fall, I moved to Washington, D.C. to cover midterm elections for theGrio.com. What most people didn't know was that I also moved there to be evaluated at one of the best hospitals in the country for rheumatology (the speciality which deals with lupus).
I didn't feel I was really being listened to by previous medical teams or handled with care (something black women often face in the healthcare system), so like a coach I changed my starting lineup. For the first time I really did my research, even visiting the Lupus Foundation of America to get books, articles and contacts in the field of lupus advocacy and treatment.
Now that I'm back in NYC, I feel more equipped as an active participant in my medical care and have found a local team of doctors I trust.
I am now prioritizing physical fitness and activity. During my evaluation period in D.C. I learned that I'd developed some joint damage, likely as a result of steroids used to treat lupus over the years. I'm undergoing physical therapy and getting treatment. I am required to use crutches for the time being to prevent further damage, something I've never addressed publicly until now.
It's been an adjustment to say the least. I cried when I found out about all the lifestyle changes I would have to make to accommodate healing and recovery. But as the great James Baldwin once wrote:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
Or as my Daddy says, "You gotta be real with yourself."
I am being real about what I need to do to get better, so I can actually get better. That's called self-care.
To that end, I've continued working through the psychological and emotional impact of chronic illness.
I've always had a therapist to talk with ever since I was diagnosed, and that's given me space to vent or have support when I didn't feel understood anywhere else. I've also found the company of others who are in the same fight.
Last month, I put on a pink ball gown and attended my first public event for lupus, the "Evening of Hope" Gala in New York City.
It's something I would've never done before — acknowledging that I was one of the 1.5 million affected — but a new friend and lupus advocate invited me to join.
"We are often never as alone as we feel."
I wasn't 100% sure I'd tell the world my story — I had every right to keep it private — but I asked a gifted photographer to document the evening for me, in the event that I would be.
The author at Lupus Foundation of America's "Evening of Hope" Gala 2018 (Photo: Noémie Tshinanga)
Listening to people's testimonies of triumph that night at the gala, showed me that I was never alone in this fight to begin with. We are often never as alone as we feel. And in life, no matter what we are handed, there is purpose to be found.
Still, when an official event photographer approached me to pose for a photo, at first I hesitated.
What if the picture ended up online somewhere, and I couldn't change my mind about people knowing I was in the room?
Then, I shook it off.
I was — and am ready — to show picture of life that is full, complicated, challenging and real — one that is bigger than any career, Instagram photo or autoimmune condition.
It is a picture that leaves out no part of me.
Natasha S. Alford is Deputy Editor of theGrio, where she covers social issues, politics, and culture. As an on-camera host, she's contributed to Power 105.1's The Breakfast Club and Cheddar TV, and her writing about Afro-LatinX identity has appeared in The New York Times and OprahMag.com. Follow her latest stories, travels, wellness tips and interviews on Instagram at @NatashaSAlford and #ThePeoplesJournalist.
*Originally published on Medium
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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There Really Is Such A Thing As 'Spring Cleaning Your Spirituality,' Sis
When you think about the fact that the spring season symbolizes things like newness, rebirth, and starting over, from a spiritual standpoint, it makes all of the sense in the world that religious-based fasts, including Lent and Ramadan, would transpire during this season as well. As I recently reflected on this fact, it’s what actually got me to really thinking about the term “spring cleaning” and what it represents — the thorough cleaning or cleansing of a particular area.
You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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