This is Afea's story.
When Afea Tucker gave birth to her son Amir, she was 19 years old. Her first child appeared to be a happy and healthy baby boy; that was until his grandmother started to notice signs that little Amir was not developing like her seven children were at 18 months old.
"My mom was the first to say, 'Afea, I'm worried about Amir,'" she remembers. "He wasn't responding to his name, looking at us, or lifting his head."
It wasn't until his speech regression that she too began to realize that something was wrong. "The red flag for sure was when he went into a nonverbal state and would no longer speak. Then one day he unlocked the door and ran away without saying a word. That's when I began the process of understanding more about my son's learning abilities and what I could do to make his life comfortable," Afea openly shares about her experience.
With her very supportive mother by her side, the mother-daughter duo began to look into resources that could help them with Amir's growth and development. Looking for answers, Afea began asking her doctors questions that could help her understand why her young son was not responding like most children his age.
"Finding out that he could hear just fine was confirmation that something unique was going on," she shared after having his hearing tested. With no clue what could be wrong, Afea needed answers, and Amir's pediatrician gave Afea a list of agencies to consider contacting for a developmental evaluation.
Wasting no time, after seeing one of the referred early childhood development agencies, Amir was evaluated and deemed eligible for speech and occupational therapy, yet he was never diagnosed with anything.
It never dawned on Afea that her son could possibly have autism. "To my knowledge, he had a developmental delay, that's all," Afea calls to mind. "I didn't even know what autism really was. The only thing that I could equate to that was the depiction of Rain Man because autism wasn't something that I learned about in school. I was never aware or informed about what it meant to have autism but professionals around us had a clue but said nothing."
It wasn't until Amir was three years old when a developmental doctor gave Afea the diagnosis that Amir had autism.
Like a piece to the puzzle, everything made more sense. Finally, with a diagnosis, the young mother tapped into her mama bear mindset that sent her on a mission to discover more about her son's condition. From reading books to tireless searching on Google, Afea began researching the ins and outs of autism. She also sought guidance from therapists, professionals, and specialists to get more answers. All this while being a single mom holding down a full-time job to care for her young son.
"I also attended parent support group meetings, but nothing I researched or read would prepare me for the life ahead of us," Afea recalls of the clarifying moment of her life.
In need of support, Afea signed up to participate with the Autism Speaks Walk so that she could connect with and learn from other people who were raising children with autism. "I was pleasantly surprised to meet and walk with families that were filled with positivity and support. It made me feel like I was not going through this alone. I tried to make it out every year."
After attending several Autism Walks, she knew that she wanted to do more, especially for teens turning to adults. While holding down a demanding position as a K-8 teacher by day and hustling as a strategic communications consultant at night, for the love of her son, she founded the non-profit organization Au-Some Lives Inc., which offers social support for families with children, teens, and young adults living with autism.
"Our mission is to assist and empower autistic families by providing resources, social support, and opportunities to connect local families so that they can share experiences, information, and concerns about the autistic community," Afea proudly declares about the organization she created after feeling there were not enough support outlets for parents to share in their knowledge and experiences. "My son is 17 now, but not too long ago, people were not as informed or aware as they can be today. There were not many schools that catered to the needs of children with autism."
After being overwhelmed with calls from Amir's teachers, "at least three times a day," Afea found herself quitting her job and starting her PR agency while he was in school so she could dedicate her time to her son after school.
"I owe it to my son that I am a competitive, experienced, and skilled entrepreneur because working from home allowed me to challenge myself to be available for both my son and my clients, and arrange meetings that worked perfectly around my son's schedule and I did successfully."
Raising Amir hasn't been easy for Afea. Some days are more challenging than others, but they make the best out of their lives. "I learned to celebrate the milestones, every success, and moments of growth. He has accomplished more than some 'specialists' thought he'd ever achieved," Afea gleams with pure delight.
Despite how challenging it may be for some people with autism to socially interact and communicate, many enjoy companionship and having fun with their peers, and it all starts with goals. Afea sees this with Amir.
"One of the goals I listed for Amir was to tell me how his day went. Every day after school I asked him, 'Amir how was your day?' And after a year, he responded with the simple word 'good.' That one-word response was a huge accomplishment. Now we have moved past 'good' to what classes he had and [what he] ate for lunch. He started talking girls, which I wasn't prepared for, but nevertheless," she laughs.
"Sky's the limit for Amir and I won't let anyone try to put a cap on what they think my son will be able to do based on a study or something they read in a textbook. You can't say everyone is different and then try to define and treat them all the same. I challenged the things I didn't believe in or weren't appropriate for my son."
Afea advises parents:
"There is no time for pity. Let your child know that they may be different but that they are loved. Children with autism need empathy, respect, and awareness."
As for her advice to parents seeking help, Afea wants to remind them: "You are not alone and there are some good people and organizations out there that want to help and genuinely support. Parent support groups are great places because you connect with people who have actually experienced parenting or caring for someone on the spectrum."
Moreover, Afea wants parents to feel comfortable taking their children out to explore. "Don't live in fear of other people's opinion. An opinion is just that, an opinion, not a fact. Try new things and let life flow. You never know when you'll have a breakthrough, so be patient."
"Amir's diagnosis made me strong, it made me an advocate because I literally had to be his voice for years. I also became an intensive skilled researcher because I spent hours looking into doctors, therapies, schools, research studies. Being a parent of a child with autism has built my character. I've become a bit more sensitive and compassionate."
To follow Afea and Amir's journey, check out her Instagram @its_ah_feeah.
- The Joys and Challenges of Being a Parent With Autism - The Atlantic ›
- 10 things parents of kids on the autism spectrum wish you knew ... ›
- 10 ways to help the parent of a child with autism | Life and style | The ... ›
- Tips for Parenting A Child With Autism ›
- Helping Your Child with Autism Thrive - HelpGuide.org ›
- The emotional journey of parenting an autistic child ›
- Parenting Styles That Don't Work with an Autistic Child ›
- Stress and the Autism Parent | Interactive Autism Network ›
- A Day in the Life: Raising a Child with Autism ›
- 15 Things I Know Being The Parent Of A Child With Autism ›
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
