When Bae Makes More: 5 Men Sound Off On Love & Money
Nowadays, there are several factors that point to black women turning the tables on that age-old mentality that the man should be the main baller and shot-caller in a relationship. Research shows that black women are the fastest-growing population of entrepreneurs in the U.S., and 35 percent of married black women outearn their husbands, according to the Institute for Family Studies. Add to that the recent Bureau of Labor Statistics findings that indicate 36 percent of black women work in management, professional, and related occupations---the bureau's highest-paying major occupational category---compared to 25 percent of black men. Considering these factors, there's a possibility that sis might make more than her bae.
Money is always an awkward but important topic in any relationship. Below, five men, all from various walks of life and occupations, sound off on how a woman's coin plays a role in dating and choosing their mate.
She Can Make More, But at Least Reach for the Check
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"I've honestly never filtered anyone initially based on salary, as I think other qualities mean more to me. That said, it would be nice if the person I am dating is relatively comfortable in their specific financial space as well as driven and ambitious. I understand why it is difficult in a situation where a lady earns more, especially when the man desires to be the provider. I think it can work once the woman doesn't hold it above his head, and once the man is secure enough in the pillars of the relationship itself so that her extra earnings don't intimidate him. I find that when you are a man, your line of work doesn't even matter. The expectation is that you will take care of things financially, especially on dates. What I do like is a woman who is fair. If we are dating, at the very least, I sometimes want to see you reach for your purse and show some intention to assist or even pay sometimes. Allow me to tell you, 'No. It's OK. I got this.'"
--Mario Guthrie Evon, medical doctor and musician, single, Kingston, Jamaica
Bae Supported My Entrepreneurial Glow Up
"We've been married about a year but lived together for over 10 years while in a relationship. Over the course of that period, our salaries fluctuated. Not long after graduating college, I landed a couple of promotions and held a role that paid extremely well. When my girlfriend (now wife) finished graduate school, she moved into my place. While she was job hunting, I paid the mortgage, bills, etc. And even after she landed her first position, I continued to pay in full instead of splitting things up, not because it felt like a masculine action but because I was making so much more than she was. Later down the line, as we went through career transitions, she did the same for me. I started my own business, and she covered the expenses in the meantime."
--Christopher Taylor, founder of Occupation Optimist, married, Atlanta
What’s Hers is Mine, and Our Roles are Fluid
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"In my line of work, I meet women who make more than me all the time---especially women who have MBAs or multiple degrees. I'm here for it! I can leave my job [if I want], take care of the kids, and do some entrepreneurial things. If you're good, we're good. Some of us have career passions and jobs that are just not going to have high salaries. It just is what it is. For so long it's been told to us that we're supposed to be the providers and head of the household financially, but we also don't live in the age in which that was a thing. Women now have jobs and are obtaining titles that their mothers and grandmothers didn't have the opportunity to do. That's where the shift [in mentality] needs to come in terms of men. The idea of being a provider or protector doesn't have to be tied to finances. As a self-sufficient man, I should find a self-sufficient woman, and we can build something together that's amazing."
--Brandon Frame, Nonprofit Professional, founder of The Black Man Can, dating, New York
He Still Has to Hold It Down
"I'm pretty old-school and traditional. I feel like men are supposed to be the providers. I can go to work to get money, so some of the other things really count. The person's heart is definitely important. My father [taught me] that as long as you're doing what you have to do to contribute--holding down your family--that's what's most important. As long as I'm doing what I have to do to lead our household and set an example, that's all that really matters. It's one pot, really. It shouldn't be looked at as whoever has the bigger pot has more control or power. We're a team. Naturally, as a provider, I'm going to cover as much as I can. If she can contribute, then she should but if the situation calls for her staying home because we have children that we're raising and that makes more sense, then I don't mind. You should welcome someone who makes more money. That's more money for the both [of your goals.]"
--Jonathan Charles, IT Professional, founder of Carnivalist App, in a relationship, New York
If We Live Together, We Split the Bills
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"I once dated a legal professional who also owned a barbershop. She definitely made more than I did at the time. Due to career obligations, it just didn't work out, so money had nothing to do with it. The fact that she had a nice salary and a business was nice, but I liked her for her outgoing personality. She was fun to be around. If living together, though, I expect my girl and I to both pay the bills, and for dates, it's interchangeable; I'll pay some, and she could sometimes. The split of household bills would depend on how much more she makes. For example, if she can afford an S550 Mercedes and I can only afford a Toyota Camry, she should pay for the Benz. Granted, I wouldn't leave her hanging if she doesn't have the funds to cover the bill one month."
--Deven Robinson, Digital Media Producer, single, New York
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
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III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
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I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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