Someone once told me that being happy was a choice. Like the English aphorism, "fake it until you make it" the idea of obtaining happiness can be as simple as imitating an optimistic mindset and achieving what you seek. Though this idea has been proven true and beneficial in many situations, it is not the solution for everything and rarely works 100 percent of the time. In fact, sometimes, the only way to be truly be happy, is to first embrace the sadness. Sometimes, giving yourself the permission to fall apart, break down, and cry it out, is all one needs to truly find happiness.
So, to assist you on your quest to contentment and relentless joy, I present to you 20 movies (and limited series) on Netflix that will give you the cathartic release you need. Whether you're looking for a happy cry, angry cry, or sad cry, xoNecole's got you covered with films guaranteed to open the floodgates.
Fatherhood (2021)
Based off the 2011 memoir, Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss and Love by Matthew Logelin, comes Netflix original film, Fatherhood. Fatherhood tells the story of Matthew Logelin (Kevin Hart), a new father, who struggles raising his daughter, Maddy, after the sudden death of his wife. In the comedy-drama film, watch as Logelin deals with "doubts, fears, and heartache" as he learns to navigate life and fatherhood after his devastating loss. In addition to Hart, the film stars DeWanda Wise, Alfre Woodard, Deborah Ayorinde, Melody Hurd and Anthony Carrigan.
Loving (2016)
In another biographical piece comes the story of the Lovings. Loving follows interracial couple, Mildred and Richard Loving, as they navigate being in love during the Jim Crow Era. Shortly after marrying in 1958, the Lovings are arrested for the crimes of living as husband and wife. In hopes to avoid jail, the Lovings agree to leave the state of Virginia never to return, again. Nevertheless, after growing tired of living in isolation, the Lovings return to the Virginia to challenge the anti-miscegenation laws, laws that reinforce racial segregation by prohibiting interracial marriage, in the Supreme Court and across the nation. The film stars Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga.
Get on Up (2014)
Starring the late Chadwick Boseman is 2014 biographical drama, Get on Up. Based on the life of singer James Brown, the film nonlinearly tells of Brown's journey from a childhood riddled with poverty and abandonment, to an adulthood of fame and stardom. Though, the film has comedic moments from time to time—the opening scene comes to mind—the heart of the film comes from moments of reflection, where Brown considers what has been sacrificed for the sake of his dream. Also starring Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Nelsan Ellise, Craig Robinson and Dan Akroyd, this is a film that will have you seeing legendary musician James Brown in another light.
When They See Us (2019)
When They See Us is a limited series by award-winning and critically acclaimed director Ava DuVernay, which focuses on a group a teenage boys, coined "The Central Park Five." After a brutal attack on a white woman in Central Park, five teens from Harlem become the targets of a racially influenced allegations when they are falsely accused of rape and violent assault. A biographical story, When They See Us shows the lives of Kevin Richardson, Raymond Santana, Antron McCray, Yusef Salaam, and Korey Wise as they face the racial profiling, discrimination, and inequality of the American justice system and media while on a heavily publicized trial.
13th (2016)
Exploring the "intersection of race, justice, and mass incarceration in the United States," is the 2016 documentary film, 13th. Reframing American History, director Ava DuVernay explores how the 13th Amendment, infamously known for freeing those enslaved, led to an epidemic of mass incarceration in the United States. In the 13th amendment, lawmakers created a loophole, which proclaims a form of slavery is acceptable in the legal form of criminal punishment.
Due to this loophole, America's prisoners make up 25 percent of the world's prisoners, despite the American population making up for five percent of the world population. In this heart-wrenching documentary, watch how DuVernay and experts, explore the shortcomings of America's justice system and politicians, while demanding the acknowledgement of racial injustice and the influence of racism in our criminal and legal systems.
American Son (2019)
When their son goes missing, an estranged couple reunite at a police station in hopes to find an answer. Based on the 2018-2019 Broadway play of the same name, American Son, discusses the social issues of discrimination and racial inequality in the legal system. Starring Kerry Washington, Steven Pasquale, Jeremy Jordan, and Eugene Lee, American Son shows the devastation and helplessness one faces when the system one should trust remains untrustworthy.
I Am Not Your Negro (2016)
Inspired by Remember This House, an unfinished manuscript that consists of a collection of letters and notes written by James Baldwin in the 1970s, I Am Not Your Negro explores the fate of a nation Baldwin believes is intertwined with that of a Black man. In James Baldwin's critique of American society, he states, "I can't be a pessimist, because I'm alive...so I'm forced to be an optimist. I am forced to believe we can survive, and we must survive. But the future of the Negro in this country, is precisely as bright or as dark as the future of the country. It is entirely up to the American people..."
Divided into four chapters, the social documentary focuses on the school integration era of the Civil Rights Movement, the depiction of the White gaze in film and its impact on society, social racial division, and the continuous exploitation of Blacks in America.
I Called Him Morgan (2016)
I Called Him Morgan is a documentary on the life and death of jazz trumpeter Lee Morgan. Created over the course of seven years, the documentary is told as Helen Morgan recounts the couple's life and Morgan's triumphant legacy, decades after she has been imprisoned for his murder. This enticing documentary beautifully, captivatingly, and unapologetically tells a story of what happens when an exasperated, possessive lover, an adulterous recovered musician, and a record breaking blizzard collide.
Miss Virginia (2019)
There is no doubt that systematic inequality creates barriers to jobs, healthcare, and education within the Black community. In Miss Virginia, the challenges facing Black America are brought to light when a struggling mother sacrifices everything to ensure her son is given a good education. Based on true a story, Virginia Walden places her son into a private school, as a last resort to losing him against drugs and violence of the street. When tuition proves unreasonable, she creates a movement to change the system that is destroying him and other minorities alike. In an impassioned performance, Emmy Winner Uzo Aduba is Virginia Walden Ford, a single mother who fought for the creation of a scholarship program for at-risk students and won.
Becoming (2020)
"Unplugged for the first time" is Michelle Obama in the 2020 documentary Becoming. Focusing on the former First Lady, Becoming is based on the bestselling and acclaimed memoir of the same name. The documentary highlights footage of Michelle Obama as she travels and works during her time as First Lady. Nevertheless, the film also chooses to focus on Michelle Obama's accomplishments before joining the White House. Returning to her children in South Side of Chicago, the documentary travels through Obama's days in school, her old law firm, early stages of marriage, parenthood, and even marriage counseling.
In this 90-minute film, Michelle Obama invites the audience to explore—with supervision—her accomplishment and life outside of her husband's legacy. After all "so little of who [she is] happened in those eight years, so much of who [she was] happened before."
Monster (2018)
"What do you see when you look at me? Boy? Artist? Outsider? Should one moment define my life?"
From 1999 book of the same name by Walter Dean Myers, Monster tells about the injustices young, Black men face at the hands of the court and legal system. Once an aspiring artist, Steve Harmon, a 17-year-old, and three others are labelled "monsters" as they stand trial for murder. Arguing to have only been involved in a robbery and not a murder, Harmon must convince the jury that he made the mistake of being look out, while discrediting the claims that he pulled the trigger.
Two Distant Strangers (2020)
It is fascinating, yet terrifying to think that you're most celebrated day, could also be your worst. In this Academy Award-winning live action short film, Two Distant Strangers meet and launch an examination of Black American deaths at the hands of the police. Carter experiences his best day and worst nightmare when he finds himself stuck in a Groundhog Day time loop. In a loop that inevitably ends in death, Carter tries to get home to his dog, after he is repeatedly confronted and harassed by white Officer Merk. In this clever, yet enraging short film, cast Joey Bada$$, Andrew Howard, and Zaria Simone, show the frustrations and helpless Black Americans feel while merely existing in America.
Giving Voice (2020)
From executive producers Viola Davis and John Legend, Giving Voice follows the annual August Wilson Monologue competition, and the high school participants who compete for the opportunity to perform on Broadway. Well-known for creating stories that were "epic in scope, tragic in circumstance, and yet still somehow hopeful," August Wilson leaves behind the legacy of "giving voice" to the voiceless Black community. Now, in hopes of honoring his legacy, young students and actors work alongside coaches and teachers as they speak up and out about their love for theatrical performances and Wilson's life-changing work.
Middle of Nowhere (2012)
Nine years ago, Ava DuVernay released her first acclaimed written and directed film, Middle of Nowhere. Winner of Best Director Award for 2021 Sundance Film Festival, Middle of Nowhere tells the story of nurse, and aspiring doctor, Ruby who devotes her time to visiting her imprisoned husband Derek. When she discovers the legitimacy of her husband imprisonment and deception, Ruby must decide whether to stay in the familiarity of living in the "middle of nowhere" or embrace the uncertainty of navigating the world alone.
In Our Mother's Garden (2021)
"Black women often aren't exposed to the idea that healing is possible."
In her debut film, In Our Mother's Gardens, Shantrelle P. Lewis creates a space for Black women and the lineages who helped shaped them. Celebrating the determination and resiliency of Black women and families, Lewis explores the idea of self-healing, self-importance, and self-care while analyzing the relationship between Black mothers and daughters. Throughout the film, various Black women account impactful stories that show feminist love and familial love, within the African-American community. Often explaining the central issues Black women face today, In Our Mother's Garden inspects the issues Black women face with imposter syndrome, ingrained indoctrinated servitude replacing self-care, and the generational trauma of racism and sexism.
Da 5 Bloods (2020)
For decades, the idea of joining the military has been sold to the American people as one's patriotic duty. From the World War to the Afghan War, the idea of joining the forces has been encouraged amongst all communities alike. Though, within the Black community, joining the armed forces is viewed with more trepidation than patriotism. This is mainly due to the Vietnam War where African-Americans risked their lives for a country—which at the time—openly showed they wouldn't do the same. In Spike Lee's Da 5 Bloods, he explores the imbalanced relationship between Black veterans and the country they fought for. Returning to Vietnam 50 years later, four Black vets attempt to find the body of their fallen brother and the gold they've buried as repayment for fighting "an immoral war."
Come Sunday (2018)
Based on the excommunication of Christian minister Carlton Pearson, is the drama Come Sunday. After the death of a relative, Reverend Pearson (Chiwetel Ejiofor) experiences a moment of introspection which causes him to question his faith. Unable to accept the idea that suffering people who haven't been saved will be damned to Hell, he concludes, that there isn't a Hell at all. After announcing this conclusion within his sermon, his trouble begins when his congregation demands his removal.
Let It Fall: Los Angeles 1982-1992
After the publicized death of George Floyd, the chairman of Black Lives Matter of Greater New York, Hawk Newsome, told an interviewer, "If this country doesn't give us what we want, then we will burn down this system and replace it." This warning came after years of civil protest, demands for change, and government inaction. As if history demands to repeat itself, this same cry for justice can be heard from decades before in the cities of Atlanta and, more recently, Los Angeles. In an in-depth examination of a clamorous time in the city of Los Angeles, Let It Fall: Los Angeles 1982-1992, details a decade of tension that leads to the culmination of citywide violence in 1992. After years of oppressive police aggression, failed justice for Black lives, and continuous neglect from government officials, citizens of Los Angeles show what happens to a city when its people decide to let it fall.
Whose Streets? (2017)
"We're trying to mourn, and you came here with 300 cop cars and riot gear and canine units. This is the same thing that pretty much got us here."
Whose Streets? is a documentary about the killing of Michael Brown and the Ferguson uprising of 2014. Told by activists and leaders, instead of news reporters and government officials, Whose Streets? follows the lives of the men and women who live and breathe the Black Lives Matter Movement. This documentary doesn't only focus on unrest ignited by Brown's killing and verdict, but it also focuses on understanding the people lived it. With a lens that seeks to understand the community, Whose Streets? focuses on the trauma and confusion created by those in Ferguson, Missouri when they officials have given them nowhere to turn. Directed by Sabaah Folayan and Damon Davis, Whose Streets? is a film definitely worth watching.
Ma Rainey's Black Bottom (2020)
Ma Rainey's Black Bottom is a biographical musical drama based on August Wilson's 1982 play of the same name. The story follows influential blues singer, Ma Rainey (Viola Davis), who has been recently contracted, by white producers, to record a record. During her recording session, she collides with an overconfident and overly ambitious trumpeter, Levee Green (Chadwick Boseman) who hopes to gain his own record deal, and the producers who only seem to be "interested in [her] voice." Played stunningly by Viola Davis and the late Chadwick Boseman, Ma Rainey's Black Bottom is a "celebration of three real-life Black artists and legends."
Honorable Mentions:
Fruitvale Station (2013)
Les Miserables (2012)
Tangerine (2015)
The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind (2019)
See You Yesterday (2019)
Irreplaceable You (2018)
I Will Follow (2010)
Little Boxes (2016)
Roxanne, Roxanne (2017)
Rodney King (2017)
Featured image by Getty Images
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Taysha Robinson is a writer and high school English teacher, based in metro-Atlanta. A self described philomath, you can find her reading books and articles of every genre, attending educational conferences, and hiking wherever the terrain will allow.
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Everything You Need To Know About Embodying Black Cat Energy In Relationships
Black cat energy is all the hype right now. It’s heralded as a key to a thriving love life that centers you as the prize, particularly to the golden retriever type of lover.
If you consider yourself mysterious, smart, playful, and highly selective of who you give your affection to, then you’re already exuding what TikTokers have coined as “black cat energy.” Or maybe you’re struggling with the mindboggling loop of dating the wrong lovers that make you feel like you’re chasing after them, and you want to learn how to flip the roles to make bae obsessed with you.
Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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