I have never believed that cheating or adultery tells the full story of the making of a man. People cheat, there is rarely a rhyme or a reason, but there is an impulse. Some of us choose to act on it, most of us don't. I understand that, but because my father had done the same thing to my mother for years after I was born, and the honesty he gives me now in my adulthood, I understand that just because a man cheats doesn't make him a cheater. And often times, even though women are conditioned to believe that their men step out because of some inadequacy in them, darling you are never the reason he can't stay faithful. He is.
Actor and comedian Kevin Hart has made it no secret about taking ownership of his actions and what his infidelity has done to his marriage. A lot can be said about a man that owns up to his past and seeks to make a better present to ensure a better future for himself. And in a recent interview with The Breakfast Club, Kevin gives us a dose of his life since news of his cheating scandal broke, his cheating, and why his wife Eniko Hart deserves more credibility than the public opinion wishes to give her.
Given the year he has had and the headlines that have circulated heavily since he announced that he had been unfaithful to his wife, Kevin addressed the elephant in the room and broached the subject of his mistakes and his infidelity immediately.
"That's Kevin Hart in his dumbest moment. That's not the finest hour of my life. With that being said, you make your bed, you lay in it… That was my f*ck up. So, I rightfully stand in front of my f*ck up, hands in the air. I'm guilty. Regardless of how it happened and what was involved and sh*t that I can't talk about – I'm guilty. I'm wrong.
Me being wrong, I'm going to face the music. I'm going to go home. I'm gonna address it. I'm gonna make my wife full aware of what's going on and the situation that I have now put us in and I'm hoping that she has a heart where she can forgive me and understand that this is not going to be a reoccurring thing. And allow me to recover from my f*cking mess of a mistake. That's what I'm trying to do not only as a man, but in teaching a lesson to my son. When you do something wrong, stand in front of your wrong sh*t, don't run away from it. This was Dad's wrong sh*t."
He also sought to make it clear that despite rumors suggesting that he has always been a cheater, he in fact never cheated on his first wife, Torrei Hart after all. And if he did, it's because the marriage had long been over. He also noted the difference between the situations. Where one marriage, he walked away. In this one, he was going to fight because he wanted to keep her.
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"I don't like people bringing up my first marriage. I left my first marriage. I got a divorce. I filed. I'm the one that said I don't want to do this anymore, I'm not happy. The infidelity and sh*t was because we were both done. So, I walked away from it… This time granted, I f*cked up. But in f*cking this up, I'm like, I gotta repair this because this is what I want. This is my foundation. This is my wife, my kids. This is, I worked for this. This is nine-plus years into this… That's the difference. As a man when you want to work to fix it, and you want to fight for what you have."
Kevin briefly talked about the events surrounding the night where the cheating happened. A cancelled trip to Barcelona led to an on-the-whim visit to Vegas where he went alone with one of his boys, no team, no security, just him, to play poker. And of course, we know how that ended.
"I learned my lesson. It's a gut punch from God. You're not invincible. You can't move the way you think you can move, I take it away like this. God, yes you can. Jesus Christ, I'm done. Don't call me for sh*t, I'm going home… Don't ask. I want no parts of it. I'm 38, about to be 40 soon. I tap out. I tap out."
Perhaps more than the public opinion that is sometimes fairly placed on him, Kevin takes issue with the fact that his wife Eniko Hart is subjected to harsh treatment by the public due to the rumors about her being a former mistress during he and his ex-wife's marriage. To the gossip site's "karma," Kevin hit them with a little truth.
"That woman didn't have nothing to do with my marriage. That woman didn't have nothing to do with me leaving my wife. Nothing. I'm separated… The image that was being attempted to be put on this woman's back wasn't a fair image and that's what I don't like. I don't like that, because she's not that. She's nothing near that. The fact that I have a prize in finding what I feel is an amazing f*cking woman. A woman that I'm lucky to call my wife, lucky to have put up with the sh*t she put up with and still allow me to say that I'm her husband, that's an amazing quality that she has that I bow down to. So, the fact that people try to take that quality away and diminish her character, that's where I almost lost it for a second."
Kevin also gave us some insight on how he and Eniko began to repair their marriage after news broke of his cheating. Because she was pregnant at the time with their son, Kenzo, Kevin took ensuring her health and well-being seriously during that time.
"That's when you have to step in as a man. I was shooting a movie, I shut down production… We went to Atlanta for a while. We talked. When you have a union, that's when you get checked. That's when the bond of your union will be questioned. Nobody's perfect. Find the perfect man so I can talk to him. I want to talk to him, so I can get advice… I'm not knocking those that are [perfect], I'm not knocking those that sit in a good light – but I promise you that those brothers or sisters have come from a place where they learned from these lessons. Without lessons, you don't have experiences. Without experiences, you don't have sh*t to change."
Although a part of him probably always knew cheating was wrong on some level, Kevin explained that the only way to truly learn right from wrong sometimes is through trial and error and by gaining experience. He thought he wanted more when in reality, he learned just how valuable his family life and his life at home were. In his words, "It don't get better."
"This is wrong because I had what I wanted. I had what I wanted because I had a foundation at home, and a family comfort. And a comfort zone. I worked so hard to get here, I built this brand, we sit on the fruits of my labor – oh my God, I am as happy as I want – what the f*ck am I doing? It don't get better, that's why it's wrong. 100% in this case, it's wrong because it's wrong."
"I'm a better man. I'm a better man because the lightbulb that has went off is the one that was supposed to go off because this line – this straight line that I'm walking on right now – there are no moments to be off balance. There are no more shots, there are no more chances. I'm done. I don't want that level of fun no more. I don't need it. I'm on some grown man different sh*t where if he doesn't involve my family, I'm not interested."
Ultimately, the growing pains Kevin Hart's mistakes have caused him to endure were necessities for the new level of man he is becoming. Where there is an admitted weakness, there is room to acquire strength if you let it.
The good sis Maya said it best, when you know better, do better.
Watch Kevin Hart's full interview with The Breakfast Club below.
Featured image by Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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