Quantcast
"I Thought Love Was Supposed To Hurt": The Negative Impact of Beating Children

"I Thought Love Was Supposed To Hurt": The Negative Impact of Beating Children

A Black male serving a life sentence for murdering a mother and her son gives us a valuable lesson on finding love where we least expect it.

Human Interest

I remember being spanked as a child, the last one being the most memorable because I had to strip down naked, exposing my bare 10-year-old body to the black leather belt that I had grown to hate. That day I didn’t shed a tear—I was too embarrassed to cry.


Any child growing up in a Black household has probably been whooped a time or two in an effort to be taught a lesson on how to respect your elders, the importance in obeying firmly-stated rules, and that there are consequences to every action. After the lashes were over and the tears stopped pouring down your cheeks, parents often made a point to tell you that they loved you and that they didn’t enjoy dishing out the punishment. As we get older we understand that it was ultimately our wrong actions that led to our pain, and that our parents were trying to protect us from potentially putting ourselves in a situation where someone who doesn't love us could harm us. But at the time, getting hit certainly doesn’t feel very loving, and little do we know that every lash in the name of love could've potentially became a part of the foundation of what we perceived love to be.

In the documentary Human, director Yann Arthus-Bertrand explores the dark side of mankind while shedding light on the best of it in an attempt to answer the universal and ancestral question of who we are and the purpose of our existence.

In one heart-wrenching clip, a Black male serving a life sentence for murdering a mother and her son gives us a valuable lesson on how beating children may communicate the wrong message about love.

“I remember my stepfather would beat me with extension cords, and hangers, and pieces of wood, and all kinds of stuff. After every beating he would tell me, “It hurt me more than it hurt you. I only did it because I love you.” It communicated the wrong message to me about what love was.

So, for many years I thought that love was supposed to hurt, and I hurt everyone that I loved. And I measured love by how much pain someone would take from me, and it wasn’t until I came to prison in an environment that is devoid of love that I began to have some sort of understanding about what it actually was and was not.

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 8.12.03 PMScreen Shot 2015-11-10 at 8.12.14 PM

I met someone and she gave me my first real insight into what love was because she saw past my condition and the fact that I was in prison with a life sentence for murder, doing the worst kind of murder that a man can do—murdering a woman and a child. It was Agnes, the mother and grandmother of Patricia and Chris, the woman and child that I murdered, who gave me the best lesson about love because by all rights she should hate me, but she didn’t. Over the course of time and through the journey that we took it has been pretty amazing she gave me love. And she taught me what it was.”

Though most of us haven’t murdered anyone physically, many of us have murdered people emotionally, whether we intended to or not.

Many of us lack an understanding of love and in turn hurt others, and ourselves, and then wonder why there’s a deficiency of peace and happiness in our relationships, including with our children. And many times it dates back to the long-lasting scars of our own childhood.

There has been many conversations surrounding "beating" children, and whether it's an appropriate form of discipline or abuse. Opinions vary, but there is no denying that it can have an effect on a child as they transition into adulthood.  As a result, kids may carry that aggression shown by their parents into their own relationships and domestic disputes.

Via The Huffington Post:

It is time for parents and educators across the U.S. to rethink our use of spanking as a form of discipline. Research clearly shows that spanking is ineffective at teaching children how to behave appropriately in the future. In fact, spanking actually increases children's disobedience, problem behavior and aggression. It also increases their likelihood of developing mental health problems such as depression or anxiety.

A Police One article titled, "Spanking and the Cycle Of Domestic Violence" also referenced a U.S. Department of Justice survey on the Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, which found that:

40 percent of surveyed women and 54 percent of surveyed men said they were physically assaulted as a child by an adult caretaker.

While discipline is definitely important in training up a child, it's equally important to keep in mind the long-term impact it may have on the child emotionally and mentally as they grow and develop their own relationships.

Watch the testimony below and let us know your thoughts!

Learn more about the #WhatMakesUsHuman project here.

What 14 People Say 'Great Sex' Means To Them

What is the difference between bad, average, and great sex? If I ask thirty people this question, I would get thirty different answers. As someone who's had their fair share of both good and not-so-good sex, I understand that there is no one size fits all answer to this question. "Great sex" can mean different things to different people. Case in point, I once had an amazing sexual experience with a guy that a mutual “friend” had a horrible experience with. Great sex is subjective AF! According to the mutual friend his sex was subpar at best. One person’s trash is another one’s treasure. Great sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner at the moment. No two people are the same so no two sexual experiences will be the same either.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Halle Bailey On The Revolutionary Act Of Wearing Her Locs As Ariel

When the trailer for The Little Mermaid dropped, everyone finally got to see Halle Bailey as Ariel. Black women and girls raved over the singer/ actress’s beauty as the beloved character while she belted out the Disney classic song “Part of Your World.” And one of the most noticeable things that many fans pointed out was that the character’s red hair was made of locs.

Keep reading...Show less
5 Times Megan Thee Stallion & Pardison Fontaine Showed Their Love On The 'Gram

Another day, another photo of Megan Thee Stallion that went viral. But this time she had a little help from her boyfriend Pardison “Pardi” Fontaine. The “Pressurelicious” artist’s fans were in for a surprise a few days ago after Megan posted a photo of herself lying on the floor with her legs up and wrapped around Pardi’s waist. Pardi appeared to be focused on playing his video game while Meg’s derriere was tooted in the air but he managed to wrap his arms around it as he held the controller.

Keep reading...Show less
The Mamie 'Till' Movie Wants To Empower Us

Sitting in the theater getting ready to watch Nopefor the third time, I was excited, like a good film nerd, to see my friend's first-time reactions to the fun UFO horror-comedy. My heart sank immediately when a trailer for the film Till, which follows the life and legacy of Emmett Till's mother, Mamie, started playing first.

My knee-jerk reaction, of course, comes from years of watching film and TV that have exploited Black trauma onscreen and were created with little (if any) consideration for what could emotionally trigger the Black audience. The 1955 murder of Emmett Till is so heartbreaking and inherently violent; would this film make us live through that violence on screen?

Fortunately, no!

This week, before watching Gina Prince-Bythewood's incredible The Woman King, a featurette for Till played in place of a trailer and it soothed my fears.

"There will be no physical violence against Black people on screen," the film's award-winning director and co-writer Chinonye Chukwu says in the featurette. "I'm not interested in relishing in that kind of physical trauma. We're going to begin and end in a place of joy," she says.

Starring Danielle Deadwyler (whose heartfelt performance on HBO's Station Eleven stole the show) as Mamie, Till is a celebration of Mamie's tireless activism which sparked the civil rights movement that continues today and ultimately culminated in President Biden signing the Emmett Till Anti-Lynching Act into law just a few months ago in March 2022. "Mamie Till Mobley is a hero," says Alana Mayo, president of Orion Pictures, the production company behind the film. "I'm really, really committed to making movies not just by us, but for us," Mayo says in the featurette.

After a private screening of Till, this week, Trayvon Martin's mother, Sybrina Fulton, tweeted that the film was "#Powerful" and "a must see."

Mamie's story of courage in the face of unspeakable tragedy deserves to be told--especially as we continue the fight for civil rights today. Knowing that the Black filmmakers behind the film are centering Black joy and aiming for our empowerment through the film makes a world of difference.

TILLis in theaters October 14.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.



"

Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts