I remember being spanked as a child, the last one being the most memorable because I had to strip down naked, exposing my bare 10-year-old body to the black leather belt that I had grown to hate. That day I didn’t shed a tear—I was too embarrassed to cry.
Any child growing up in a Black household has probably been whooped a time or two in an effort to be taught a lesson on how to respect your elders, the importance in obeying firmly-stated rules, and that there are consequences to every action. After the lashes were over and the tears stopped pouring down your cheeks, parents often made a point to tell you that they loved you and that they didn’t enjoy dishing out the punishment. As we get older we understand that it was ultimately our wrong actions that led to our pain, and that our parents were trying to protect us from potentially putting ourselves in a situation where someone who doesn't love us could harm us. But at the time, getting hit certainly doesn’t feel very loving, and little do we know that every lash in the name of love could've potentially became a part of the foundation of what we perceived love to be.
In the documentary Human, director Yann Arthus-Bertrand explores the dark side of mankind while shedding light on the best of it in an attempt to answer the universal and ancestral question of who we are and the purpose of our existence.
In one heart-wrenching clip, a Black male serving a life sentence for murdering a mother and her son gives us a valuable lesson on how beating children may communicate the wrong message about love.
“I remember my stepfather would beat me with extension cords, and hangers, and pieces of wood, and all kinds of stuff. After every beating he would tell me, “It hurt me more than it hurt you. I only did it because I love you.” It communicated the wrong message to me about what love was.
So, for many years I thought that love was supposed to hurt, and I hurt everyone that I loved. And I measured love by how much pain someone would take from me, and it wasn’t until I came to prison in an environment that is devoid of love that I began to have some sort of understanding about what it actually was and was not.
I met someone and she gave me my first real insight into what love was because she saw past my condition and the fact that I was in prison with a life sentence for murder, doing the worst kind of murder that a man can do—murdering a woman and a child. It was Agnes, the mother and grandmother of Patricia and Chris, the woman and child that I murdered, who gave me the best lesson about love because by all rights she should hate me, but she didn’t. Over the course of time and through the journey that we took it has been pretty amazing she gave me love. And she taught me what it was.”
Though most of us haven’t murdered anyone physically, many of us have murdered people emotionally, whether we intended to or not.
Many of us lack an understanding of love and in turn hurt others, and ourselves, and then wonder why there’s a deficiency of peace and happiness in our relationships, including with our children. And many times it dates back to the long-lasting scars of our own childhood.
There has been many conversations surrounding "beating" children, and whether it's an appropriate form of discipline or abuse. Opinions vary, but there is no denying that it can have an effect on a child as they transition into adulthood. As a result, kids may carry that aggression shown by their parents into their own relationships and domestic disputes.
Via The Huffington Post:
It is time for parents and educators across the U.S. to rethink our use of spanking as a form of discipline. Research clearly shows that spanking is ineffective at teaching children how to behave appropriately in the future. In fact, spanking actually increases children's disobedience, problem behavior and aggression. It also increases their likelihood of developing mental health problems such as depression or anxiety.
A Police One article titled, "Spanking and the Cycle Of Domestic Violence" also referenced a U.S. Department of Justice survey on the Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, which found that:
40 percent of surveyed women and 54 percent of surveyed men said they were physically assaulted as a child by an adult caretaker.
While discipline is definitely important in training up a child, it's equally important to keep in mind the long-term impact it may have on the child emotionally and mentally as they grow and develop their own relationships.
Watch the testimony below and let us know your thoughts!
Learn more about the #WhatMakesUsHuman project here.
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Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
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While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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