Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?
Recently, while talking to one of my married friends, she told me that the topic of oral sex came up in their household. All of her and her husband's children, minus one, are young teenagers at this point. And so, when one of them came into the kitchen and said, "Do you and daddy have oral sex?" and my friend replied with, "Absolutely", I rolled at her candor and how her child was like, "Eww!". The way I see it, good for them that they are so open about sex. After all, it's how their children got here.
Yet, as I thought more about fellatio and cunnilingus, I also reflected on the various responses and reactions I've witnessed, every time one or both acts are mentioned. I'd have to say that probably around 7 times out of 10, oral sex is spoken of, by both men and women, very fondly. Oh, but there is that 30 percent who, whether it's giving head and/or receiving it, words cannot express how much they find the act to be close to grotesque and definitely unappealing. "Problem" is oftentimes, when someone like this is in a relationship, that sentiment isn't even close to being mutual. And sometimes, that can rock the boat of the relationship, more than a little bit.
That's what we're gonna tackle today. If you're someone who thoroughly enjoys everything about sex other than giving oral and/or receiving it while you're partner is all for it, all day and every day (on both the giving and receiving end), here are some things to think about—that you might've never considered, quite this way, before.
Is It All in Your, Umm, Head?
I've actually shared before that one of my favorite stories about a mom having "the sex talk" with her child for the first time came from a female comedian who was sharing her experience during a Ted Talk. Her daughter, who was somewhere between 8-10 at the time (I can't exactly remember), intently listened to her mother put her own spin on the birds and the bees. When her mom finished, the daughter then said, with a semi-horrified look on her face, "So you have sex where you pee?!", only for her mom to revisit how real that revelation was and respond by saying, "Yeah. It's kind of like taking a trip to your favorite amusement park and going to a toxic waste dump at the same time."
Even though that might initially evoke some double yucks, just at the mere thought of it all, the reality is, when any of us who have sex, that's basically what's transpiring. For whatever reason, God himself designed us to relieve ourselves with the same parts of our body where sexual pleasure comes from. So, if that is a part of the reason why the thought of engaging in oral sex freaks you out, I get it. At the same time, God also created the people who invented things like showers, baths, washcloths and soap. So, if the reason why you struggle with the thought of participating in oral sex is because "he pees down there", I promise you that if you make the request that he hop in the shower first, you will feel more calm and confident. Or at least, you should.
Have You Ever Even Tried Oral Before?
I'm going to be very TMI here for a moment. As someone who has participated in more than her fair share of fellatio, other than bracing myself for "the final act" (I'm sure you get it), to me, it really isn't that big of a deal. In many ways, it's like sucking on a really big…I guess "thumb" would be the best way to explain it. Yes, you have to factor in things like breathing, shifting speeds and endurance (based on how long your man's stamina is), but to tell you the truth, I'm actually far more impressed with men who go down on us—not because our vaginas aren't one of the best things on this entire planet but because, if he's doing things right, there is a lot of fluid going on down there, right off the rip.
That's why, whenever a woman tells me that she hates fellatio, my first question is, "Have you ever even tried it before?" because oftentimes, they haven't. And if you've come to the conclusion that you semi-loathe something that you've never even experienced before, well, you're either basing your decision on ignorance or the stories of others—and when it comes to something like sex, that twisted logic simply isn't good enough. As Mikey used to say in the throwback Life commercial, "Try it. You just might like it."
Let’s Break Down the Penis a Bit, Shall We?
Remember how I just said that giving head really isn't that big of a deal? If you're looking at the monitor with complete and total side-eye, I've got another question for you—how much time have you even spent with a penis? Laugh if you want but I'm dead serious. Other than perhaps catching a peek (and maybe not even wanting to do that) when your partner is naked, do you really not give penises much thought beyond it being what penetrates you during intercourse? If so, that could also be a part of the issue/problem. Sometimes it's because our parents totally sucked at giving us the sex talk, sometimes it's because we barely paid attention in high school-level anatomy class, other times it's because the Church acts like sex is something that shouldn't be discussed until marriage (and, let me tell it, barely even then)—for so many reasons, there can be such an ignorance around male genitalia that it profoundly affects us on a sexual level.
That's actually why I wrote articles on the site like, "15 Pretty Tripped Out Things You May Not Know About Penises", "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", "10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm", "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage" and "8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed". I'm a firm believer that the more you learn about something, the less fearful you tend to be about it. Study the penis. It's not as "terrifying" as some of you might think that it is.
Did You Have a Bad (or Selfish) Oral Sex Experience?
Also, remember how I said in the intro that I wasn't only going to tackle this from the angle of women who hate to give fellatio but also women who aren't big fans of receiving cunnilingus too? I know quite a few women who roll like that (interestingly enough, a lot of them are Leos and Capricorns; if you fall into that sign, please hop in the comments). When I've asked them why they would rather pass on receiving head, some have said that it simply doesn't get them off. However, more have said that the times when they have conceded and given it a shot, it felt more sopping wet and uncomfortable than anything else. And so, after giving a couple of different partners a try and the experience totally sucking (and absolutely not in a good way), they've decided to pass on all future opportunities. Then there's another scenario. Some women I know don't get down with giving or receiving oral sex because they've found their partners to be selfish as hell. Either all he cares about is getting some head or, if he is going down, it's more like he's barely tolerating it so that he can get some fellatio as soon as he's done.
If you fall into any of these dynamics, while thankfully, I can't really relate, what I will say is, you are sooooooooooo—breathe—oooooooo missing out if you've decided to let the past hinder your future. Aside from the fact that 75 percent of women barely have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone, there is something that is so damn hot about engaging in the kind of sex that has no hindrances.
If you've had a bad sexual experience (including if your partner was selfish), the best thing to do is share that with your current partner so that the two of you can work through it. If after a few tries, you're still like "nah", don't feel bad. Oral sex—on the giving or receiving end—isn't necessarily for everybody (I once had sex with a guy who really liked giving oral sex but hated receiving it…go figure). Just make sure that you've come to that conclusion solely based on preference and not some really unpleasant past situations.
What About Performance Anxiety?
Any of you who are die-hard Insecure fans, you might recall the episode when Issa and her girls went to a sex expo and discussed their thoughts on oral sex; especially giving head. Issa shared that she wasn't that big of a fan because she felt like her teeth were too big and she wasn't all that great at it. Then, when Tiffany told her about how empowering giving fellatio was, Issa tried it on Daniel, only for him to ejaculate on her face and totally piss her off.
First, doing anything sexually with the objective of "overtaking someone" is probably not the best idea. On the sexual tip, do things because 1) you enjoy it and 2) you want to please your partner; not manipulate them. And second, while I would be lying to you if I said that all oral sex is the same (some folks really are better at it than others), what I will say is if you're with a partner who is truly worthy of you, it's not a "performance pageant" or competition of some sort. In other words, he's not looking at the top of your head and imagining a scorecard. He's simply enjoying being with you. If you're willing to check your fears and your ego (not one or the other—both) at the door, he will be willing to share with you what works for him. Also, if he's a really great lover, he will want you to do the same when it comes to pleasuring you too.
Is Giving Fellatio a Deal-Breaker for You?
Now if after all of what I just said, you're still like, "Yeah girl, I'll pass", then this is what I've got to say on that—be upfront with your partner. The reason why is because, while oral sex may not be that big of a deal to you, it might be for him. By the way, that doesn't make him a bad person. Not in the least. Matter of fact, I've said in more than a few interviews, that if I fall in love with a man and he is not completely enthralled with oral sex, he's someone I am going to have to take a pass on, on the marriage tip. I take the marriage covenant seriously, so I'm not signing up to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn't all-the-way-dirty-down on both the giving and receiving end of head. Are y'all kidding me?
Men have the right to feel the same way. So, if you are someone who doesn't like to give fellatio and/or receive cunnilingus, once the two of you enter the sexual part of your relationship, it is definitely something that you need to put on the table. If what you're thinking is, "Why? It shouldn't be that big of a deal" then the checkmate I have for you is, if it isn't a big deal, why are you hiding it?
I am all about the right couples being a great complement for one another. So, look at it this way—if he really is your "the one", then he will Kanye shrug at your reservations and all will be fine. But if he's honest that it's something that he can't go without (whether it's giving or receiving), don't penalize him for that. Sexual satisfaction is a very real and justifiable priority in a relationship. It's always best to wait for the one who will fulfill you, as you fulfill him, fully, in this area.
Always Remember That Great Sex Comes with Some Compromise
Compromise. It's what makes relationships go 'round. That said, if you're someone who basically hurls at the mere thought of giving or receiving oral sex, it would be totally irresponsible of me if I didn't advise that you absolutely not push yourself past your comfort zone. Sex, of any kind, should never feel violating. Yet if fellatio or cunnilingus are simply no more or less than not your favorite things to do—like maybe you've got a sexual position that you prefer over another—consider "being down" more often, simply because your partner wants to be pleased and please. Also, keep in mind that oral sex tends to have levels. What I mean by that is things like how long you do it and up to what point you do it can both take some of the "edge" off.
Bottom line, sometimes focusing more on simply being close to your partner can take some of the "eww" out of acts like oral sex. You won't know unless you try. So…why not try it?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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From Toxic Traits To Transformative Growth: Understanding Evolved Vs. Unevolved Zodiac Signs
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Have you ever heard someone talk about a certain zodiac sign and wondered why your experience of that particular sign has been completely different? We have all heard about the notorious Gemini Man or Virgo Man being a difficult partner to have in love, but does this apply to all Geminis and all Virgos? Well, this is where the discussion of evolved signs vs. unevolved signs comes in. It’s the idea that, while some toxic or challenging traits are more prevalent in certain signs, it also depends on the individual at hand and on whether or not they have evolved in life.
Evolved vs. Unevolved Signs: A Guide
Astrology is life-changing not only because it allows you to learn more about yourself, but it also allows you to see certain behaviors or traits in yourself, and change them if you are not happy with the way they manifest in your life. To be evolved means to learn and develop. In order to tell whether you are dealing with an evolved sign or an unevolved sign, look at the way they navigate their strengths and weaknesses. We are all predisposed to certain behaviors aligned with our zodiac sign; it’s how you grow from your experiences rather than what you accept as a defining characteristic of who you are.
Evolved signs have done the inner work, unevolved signs make excuses for their behavior.
When we are talking about evolved zodiac signs, we are talking about the Virgo who appreciates progress more than perfection, the Libra who trusts that they can stick to a decision rather than accepting they are incapable of making the best one, and the Aries who takes intentional action rather than an impulsive one. It’s those people you meet and they make you change your perspective on a certain sign you may have had a negative experience with in the past. An unevolved sign, however, is the Aquarius who isolates rather than expresses how they are feeling, the Scorpio who lets their jealousy get the best of them rather than trusting their connections, and the Leo who puts their ego before anything else.
The good news is that if you feel you are living a more unevolved version of your zodiac sign, you can change this by first addressing where you may be self-sabotaging, and where you can highlight more of your strengths. Healing from past traumas, seeking a therapist or astrologer, or overall making your well-being more of a priority all will benefit. When you are feeling good within, you attract more experiences to you to where you can be that evolved version of yourself rather than entertain old habits or ways of relating that don’t serve you.
It takes work, but the more you tap into the evolved version of yourself and strengthen this part of you, the less you will revert to your old ways or attract those same types of toxic or unevolved people towards you.
So, how do you know which side of the coin you are dealing with or are yourself? Read below to find out more about the traits and characteristics of the evolved vs. unevolved signs of the zodiac.
EVOLVED ARIES
- Confident
- Methodical
- Disciplined
- Leader
- Energetic
UNEVOLVED ARIES
- Aggressive
- Short-tempered
- Reckless
- Arrogant
- Impulsive
You’ll know whether you are dealing with an evolved Aries versus an unevolved Aries through the way they communicate and approach others. If they are confident and encouraging, you are dealing with an evolved Aries who is comfortable with who they are but also doesn't feel the need to force their energy on you. Unevolved Aries will make you take a step back, evolved Aries will make you want more. Aries’ strengths are that they are bold and assertive, but an unevolved Aries tends to create more disagreements or challenges with others in the process.
EVOLVED TAURUS
- Abundance-mindset
- Grounded
- Generous
- Compassionate
- Trustworthy
UNEVOLVED TAURUS
- Materialistic
- Stubborn
- Lazy
- Vengeful
- Envious
An evolved Taurus versus an unevolved Taurus can be differentiated by the person who has stability or who has goals in life that they share with you and are working towards. The unevolved Taurus you will most likely find on the couch, demanding that you give them what they need at the same time. Unevolved Tauruses tend to show traits of envy or jealousy when you are explaining a recent win to them. An evolved Taurus will be the first person you want to go to with the good news, and they are a big support and secure person to their loved ones.
EVOLVED GEMINI
- Communicative
- Curious
- Creative
- Innovative
- Fun
UNEVOLVED GEMINI
- Confusing
- Chaotic
- Disorganized
- Bored
- Unpredictable
An evolved Gemini will have you feeling understood, heard, and inspired. They are fun and light-hearted people to be around. An unevolved Gemini will have you questioning them, life, and everything in between- and will create unneeded chaos in your life. Unevolved Geminis are notorious for being unavailable and disloyal in relationships, and you can tell the difference between whether they are evolved or not by what they do when they are bored. Do your Gemini create or connect, or do they do something destructive, leaving you feeling a deep sense of distrust around them?
EVOLVED CANCER
- Compassionate
- Nostalgic
- Supportive
- Nourishing
- Protective
UNEVOLVED CANCER
- Moody
- Holds a grudge
- Pessimistic
- Manipulative
- Clingy
An evolved Cancer leaves you feeling supported, nourished, and loved. An unevolved Cancer may make you feel the same way, but will be hot and cold on when and how they show it. An evolved Cancer will be your go-to and someone you can trust with basically anything. An unevolved Cancer, however, you will steer away from and not want to express yourself to them for fear of them making things worse. Evolved Cancers understand their emotions, unevolved Cancers let their emotions get the best of them.
EVOLVED LEO
- Self-confident
- Passionate
- Generous
- Motivating
- Kind-hearted
UNEVOLVED LEO
- Entitled
- Angry
- Selfish
- Controlling
- Dramatic
Evolved Leo has an evolved ego. They have a strong sense of self, they know who they are and what they want, but they don’t let that get in the way of how they treat others. Unevolved Leos command the room in a way where you are looking at them in shock rather than in awe. Unevolved Leos think the world revolves around them, evolved Leos think the same thing but also want other people to be in that world or think the same thing about themselves as well. Evolved Leos are like the Sun, and you will feel enlivened in their presence.
EVOLVED VIRGO
- Organized
- Caring
- Down-to-Earth
- Inspiring
- Helpful
UNEVOLVED VIRGO
- Perfectionist
- Overly critical
- Resentful
- Anxious
- Cynical
The easiest way to tell the difference between an evolved Virgo and an unevolved Virgo is the way they make you feel. If they make you feel inspired and like you can accomplish or experience great things, you are dealing with an evolved Virgo. If they are overly critical of everything you do, you are dealing with an unevolved Virgo. Evolved Virgos help you grow, unevolved Virgos tend to make you feel incapable of that. Evolved Virgos can laugh off or let go of the little things, unevolved Virgos will get caught up in them.
EVOLVED LIBRA
- Relationship-oriented
- Balanced
- Charming
- Diplomatic
- Fair
UNEVOLVED LIBRA
- Codependent
- People-pleaser
- Flaky
- Indecisive
- Dishonest
Evolved Libras make some of the best partners, friends, and confidants. Unevolved Libras make some of the hardest of the above to maintain. The difference between the two is the Libra's ability to find the balance between their needs and the needs of others. Libras are relationship-oriented people, but unevolved Libras tend to let this trait get the best of them and will be in and out of relationships and never really settle down to figure out what they truly want and need. Evolved Libras love, but will not sacrifice their sense of self in the process.
EVOLVED SCORPIO
- Passionate
- Mysterious
- Intuitive
- Transformative
- Resilient
UNEVOLVED SCORPIO
- Obsessive
- Secretive
- Reclusive
- Destructive
- Ruthless
The difference between an evolved Scorpio and an unevolved Scorpio is their ability to let go. Evolved Scorpios have learned from their past and have made their life better in the process. Unevolved Scorpios hold onto a lot of resentments and often cause themselves or others emotional turmoil. Evolved Scorpios can let people in and make some of the most loyal, protective, and supportive partners. Unevolved Scorpios tend to be very distrustful of others and have a hard time letting go of control in any way or letting people get close to their inner world.
EVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Outgoing
- Optimistic
- Spiritual
- Adventurous
- Genuine
UNEVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Dramatic
- Brash
- Superiority-complex
- Unreliable
- Careless
The evolved Sagittarius are inspiring, optimistic, and hopeful. The unevolved Sagittarius is just about the complete opposite of that. Evolved Sagittariuses have learned to fuel their adventurous spirit with intentional action rather than recklessness, and are there for their loved ones rather than leaving people hanging or being unreliable. Unevolved Sagittariuses can be very rude and aggressive and will mask this behavior with humor. They can be very harsh, rather than the evolved Sagittarius who is still outgoing, but is also genuine and confident and aligned with their highest self.
EVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Hard-working
- Loyal
- Stable
- Sensible
- Ambitious
UNEVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Workaholic
- Unforgiving
- Rigid
- Stubborn
- Dominating
When you are looking at an evolved Capricorn, you find yourself in the presence of someone loyal, hardworking, and down-to-earth. An unevolved Capricorn can be judgemental and cold, with only their personal goals in mind. Unevolved Capricorns seem to be stuck in the same place in life, and unmoving in what they believe is best for them. Evolved Capricorns are open to feedback and are flexible enough to figure out what is truly best for them, to explore, and to allow someone else to lead them at times. Evolved Capricorns are responsible and productive but take care of their well-being in the process.
EVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Freedom-oriented
- Logical
- Friendly
- Open-minded
- Outgoing
UNEVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Distant
- Cold
- Disloyal
- Detached
- Superiority-complex
Evolved Aquarius and unevolved Aquarius are mirrors of each other. The evolved version of Aquarius is friendly, open-minded, and supportive of not only themselves but of others as well. The unevolved version of Aquarius can be quite distant and detached from their relationships and life altogether and can be hard for people to get close to. Evolved Aquariuses value their independence, but don't use escapist behavior as an excuse for their actions. Unevolved Aquariuses will leave someone on read for months instead of just telling someone how they feel.
EVOLVED PISCES
- Loving
- Intuitive
- Compassionate
- Creative
- Romantic
UNEVOLVED PISCES
- Consuming
- Escapist
- Moody
- Distant
- Unrealistic
Evolved Pisces are the artists, muses, lovers, and dreamers. Unevolved Pisces may have that same creative energy but tend to wear rose-colored glasses that get them into trouble in the process. Pisces are hard to grasp in the first place with their fluid, mutable nature, but an unevolved Pisces will make that distance feel like miles. Unevolved Pisces can get pretty messy and will act out on their emotions without getting the full picture or giving themselves time to sort things through. Evolved Pisces on the other hand, let their emotions inspire them and know how to step into their true power.
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