He’s Selfish

If there are two things I loathe, it's a liar and a selfish person. There's no time to get into the whole lying thing, but let's unpack selfishness a little bit, shall we? When someone is selfish, they are self-consumed. Everything they do—or don't do—at the end of the day, is all about what they want (or don't want). If other people have to suffer in the process, so be it. On the sexual tip, I refer to these kinds of people as "Celie Sex" (you know, like the kind of sex that Celie in the movie The Color Purple had). And yes, some men suck at oral sex because they are very much just a selfish individual. Now selfishness can manifest in a few ways. He may not do it at all because he's selfish. He may only do it every once in a while because he's selfish. Or, he might do it the way he thinks that it should be done rather than how you want it to be done—again, because he is selfish (and an ego maniac).

The main problem with this particular reason is, a lot of the time, whatever is (or isn't) transpiring in the bedroom, points to whatever is (or isn't) happening in the other rooms of the house as well. What I mean by that is, if you're with someone who is sexually selfish, he's probably relationally selfish, too. I ain't gonna tell you what you need to do about that because each situation is different (especially if you're married). What I will say is don't chalk up a sexually selfish man to only being that way sexually. Chances are, you are being deprived in some other ways too and that definitely should not be ignored. Not one minute more.

He Hasn’t “Reprogrammed” His Mind

I actually know quite a few virgins, and something I tell them often is a blessing that comes with waiting until marriage is you don't have anyone to compare your partner to. One wife I know, who was a virgin (along with her husband) on her wedding day, once said to me, "I don't know if [he] is good in bed or not. He's all I know, so he's good to me." Indeed. But for the rest of us who didn't take that path in life, we've probably got somewhat of a roster and a really good memory. Same goes for the men that we choose to sleep with. And since every woman—including her vagina and clitoris—is different, so what worked for the women in his past may not be what works for the woman of his present.

This reality means that he might need a little reprogramming. If this is the case, be open to becoming his loving and patient instructor. Walk him through what pleases you and what doesn't. Only a sexual narcissist (or a really insecure man, which is one and the same, to a certain extent) would resent you for doing so. Oh, and since you've got a sexual past as well, be open to him doing the same for you. Oral sex is not a "one technique fits all" type of experience. It definitely has to be customized.

He’s Totally Oblivious to Your Cues

I'm a doula, and one of my clients was like the ultimate superhero during labor. She barely made any sounds at all; she would just hum through her contractions (and squeeze the heck out of my hand). What's crazy is that she rocked like a champ, with no epidural, until she was nine centimeters. Then she had to get one because she was so focused on "handling her contractions" that her pelvis wasn't opening up and her blood pressure was skyrocketing. Right as she was about to get to 10, she actually needed the epidural in order to relax.

My point? Some guys suck at oral sex for similar reasons. They are so into what they are doing that they don't even notice what our body language and the sounds we are making are actually conveying to them. If this is what you think is going on with your man, don't have a deep talk while he's actually down there. The focus? Good. The end result? Not so good. If this is the issue, wait until the two of you are on the couch or just hanging out.

Let him know that you see the effort that he's putting in and you appreciate it, but you really need him to relax and concentrate more on you than his actions. If he's taught—and by taught, I mean you encourage him, not become a roaring dictator—how to pick up on your cues, I'm pretty confident that he could go from a C- to at least a B+ fairly quickly.

He Hates Doing It

Ugh. The only thing worse than a selfish lover is one who hates to go down. Wait, there is actually something worse—a guy who expects you to do it, but he won't reciprocate. Grow all the way up, sir. The interesting thing about the word "hate" is, one definition of it is "unwilling." If your man is unwilling or if he performs oral in a way that conveys that he is barely tolerating it, don't let that slide. If you ask him "What's up?" and he tells you that it's something that he's never liked to do, ask him why. To tell you the truth, it could be a myriad of reasons. His past experiences have been subpar. The women he's done it to had poor hygiene. He was raised not to do it. His hypermasculinity is showing and he thinks that "the D" is all you need. He's not a big oral person, period (even when it comes to kissing). Whatever the case may be, knowing why can help you figure out how to go from there. Hmph. What I do know is if he wants to keep you around, he'll figure out how to compromise. If he doesn't, well…tell him that you would hate to lose him but…we'll holla.

You’re Not Providing the Right, Umm, Atmosphere

Alright, all of my liberated sistahs out here. Yes, it is your vagina, and yes, you should be free to do whatever you want with it. But I recall when a wife once told me how disgruntled she was by her husband not going down on her often and him then telling me, "I don't want to put my face in a jungle. She needs to consider turning it into a golf course." For a while, she put up a fight. She was on the tip of, "It's my vagina. Deal with it." Uh-huh. But you're not the one who has to literally have your face down there; he does. So, this battle basically boils down to what Dr. Phil used to ask on a regular basis—"Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" She eventually went with happy and mowed that "lawn" down. She got a lot more cunnilingus because of it, too.

Pubic hair length. The smell of a vagina. Whether or not to add a little flavor into the mix via flavored lubricant or something like blending cinnamon oil and coconut oil together. (Cinnamon has a natural sweetness to it that is totally bomb, by the way.) These are all things that can make or break an oral sex experience for a man.

Listen, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your partner about what he needs appearance- and even hygiene-wise (other than you washing it, of course; hopefully, you do that), in order to make going down on you more enjoyable. He's gonna see your va-jay-jay more than you ever will. It can only work in your favor to personalize things to his liking a bit.

Women in the Past Have Faked It

I've shared before on this platform that an ex of mine used to say that faking orgasms is a form of witchcraft. It cracks me up every time I think back to that, although his reasoning behind saying it was actually pretty serious. According to him, a lot of women do it as a form of manipulation; they feel that if they can make their partner think they are sexually satisfied, they can get him to do all kinds of things that they want him to do. Hmm. We'll have to get into sexual manipulators (both male and female) at another time. One of the reasons I strongly discourage faking orgasms is because a guy can't learn if you are lying to him. And no matter what your motive or reason may be for faking sexual pleasure, being fake is deceptive.

A guy who is bad at oral sex, who sleeps with a woman who only acts like she is sexually fulfilled? I am not mad at him; I'm annoyed with her. He's only doing what he's been given the impression is working. The only way to turn this particular boat around is to stop lying and start being real.

You’re Not Speaking Up

Closed mouths don't get fed. They don't get eaten well either.

A person should only be held accountable for what they know, not what they don't know. If you are spending more time internalizing your disappointment, venting to your girlfriends, or (worse) reminiscing about some ex who actually did know what he was doing rather than communicating with your partner, then that's your bad. I personally know a lot of good men but let me tell you what they don't spend a lot of time doing—trying to read their woman's mind. If your man is bad at oral sex, in a kind, approachable and productive way, convey that. I wouldn't advise you coming at him like, "Looka here, your head game is trash." Take more of the approach of, "I really love being with you. Can we try out some things in the oral sex department, though? I haven't cum yet, but I want to." If he's a good (and humble) man, he'll want you to, too. He'll want to do whatever will keep him from sucking…unless, of course, you want him to.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

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