Mary J. Blige Details How She Knew Her Self-Worth & Self-Love Were Lacking
There's an old saying that mentions one of the greatest forms of love a person can ever endure in life is self-love. Singer, actress, and now author Mary J. Blige is a perfect example of that motto. Throughout her entire career, which spans over three decades, Blige has been very vocal about the past struggles she faced in life and love, mainly through her music.
But in recent years, following her divorce from music producer Kendu Isaacs in 2018, the Power Book II: Ghost star has used her story and platform to encourage self-love to countless fans.
During a recent interview on Today with Hoda and Jenna, Blige candidly discussed the events that led to her self-love journey and how she was finally able to accept herself, flaws and all. Alongside those topics, the 52-year-old also provided tips for those attempting to find their self-worth and opened up about solo dates.
Mary J. Blige On Her Self-Love Journey & Not Feeling Like Enough
While promoting her new children's book Mary Can, which was inspired by instances that occurred in Blige's adult life, the "Family Affair" songstress revealed that one of the things that pushed her to start healing was the negative feelings she experienced after being told in a past relationship that she wasn't enough.
Although Blige didn't publicly name the person who said those words, the star shared that she knew she lacked self-love during that time because of how long she stayed in the union despite being treated terribly.
"I actually started to believe it because when you love someone, and you don't love yourself, that's what happens. You stay longer. I stayed a very long time, and one day I just got tired of hating myself and feeling that feeling... I was searching for a way to heal, not be insecure, and not go through all these things that I was going through, " the singer said.
Blige would reveal that the breakthrough moment that propelled her self-love journey into overdrive occurred after watching a sermon by Bishop T.D. Jakes, in which he talked about the importance of self-love and self-worth.
The vocalist explained the main words she resonated with were how one's opinion and beliefs about themselves outranked what anyone else thinks. Following that sermon, Blige disclosed that was when she started saying positive affirmations to herself.
"He said, 'What you think about you, and say about you, and believe about you is more effective and important than what anyone can say about you.' When I tell you, that thing clicked. It just really really clicked for me," she stated. "That's how I began to move out of the relationship and moved out of that dark place because I began to speak the words, like the title of my album Good Morning Gorgeous: 'good morning Mary, good morning gorgeous, good morning I love you, good morning I need you, good morning you're beautiful, good morning you're a masterpiece.'"
Blige added that after "speaking positive words" over her life, things started to change for the better.
Blige's Advice to Those Struggling with Their Self-Worth
As the conversation shifted over to the advice that Blige would give others dealing with a similar situation and are trying to begin their self-love journey, the I Can Do Bad All by Myself actress said that the main thing that people should do during this process is start by saying positive affirmations even if they don't believe it.
"So this is what I did. I never thought I was gorgeous ever in my life. So I had to speak something I didn't believe. I didn't believe I was gorgeous, so I started saying, 'good morning, gorgeous...' Just saying it, no matter how bad I didn't believe it or how bad it hurts, just say it. I said it. I kept saying it, and after a while, it began to manifest in my heart. It began to manifest outside my body, and I began to actually see it. I felt it," she explained.
Blige suggested that many start by speaking positively about themselves because she feels that is the primary way to help people figure out how "great" they are without being dependent on others' approval.
"You have to keep you together. You can't depend on your husband. You can't depend on your boyfriend," the "Just Fine" singer continued. "I'm just saying this out of experience. You can't depend on your family to say you're great. You have to figure out a way to know you are great."
Blige On Solo Dates
In addition to self-love, Blige expressed the importance of appreciating one's company by taking yourself out on a solo date and the value of friendships. When asked what a solo date night looks like for her, Blige mentioned that the dates consisted of going to dinner, watching a film, and drinking wine.
"The dates with Mary are very intimate... We'll go to dinner, we'll watch a movie, and then we'll just drink some wine. We'll just chill, give ourselves a hug, you know," she exclaimed while laughing.
Blige also added that one of the places she and her girlfriends often frequent is Nobu. As the host questioned Blige on who she would consider to be her best friend, the star said that she has a tribe that consists of a "team of amazing women" surrounding her whom she loves wholeheartedly.
With this conversation, it appears that Blige has figured out one of the secrets to being fulfilled in life: the mastery of self-love and having a good community around you.
Mary J. Blige on why she says ‘good morning, gorgeous’ to herself
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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