This Couple's Love Story Is A Testament To The Magic Of Divine Timing
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
When Colby Holiday, 37, met Khaliah O. Guillory, 42, neither of them knew the start of a life together was staring them in the face. What brought the couple together was a chance encounter during a press trip in Houston where travel writer and content creator Colby was on assignment. The story was about Black-owned Houston and since Khaliah is the proud founder and CEO of the Black-owned sanctuary Nap Bar, it made sense that the PR team had them cross paths. A Friday night meeting would prove to be much more than the typical exchange between a journalist and her subject. Instead of the small talk that often presents itself in an initial professional-ish one-on-one, their conversations went beyond the norm and landed into deeper territory.
Colby found herself drawn to Khaliah's energy and Khaliah was drawn to not just Colby's beauty but also her intellect as they spoke about spirituality among other things. But still, they left each other with Colby thinking they'd stay in contact and Khaliah knowing they were bound for something more. Before meeting Colby, Khaliah had entered a year-long dating sabbatical to allow herself time to heal and eventually attract love from a place of wholeness. On her 41st birthday, she wrote a 'divine list' of what she wanted in her partner. For her, Colby was the embodiment of that list. After meeting, she showed her intentions in wanting to build a life with Colby in every step of getting to know her through energy and effort. Leading up to their first official date, there were handwritten letters, curated playlists, infinite voice notes, and FaceTime calls that would plant the love seeds for what they both endearingly refer to as "the best date ever."
Colby would learn early on in their relationship that Khaliah was the one. Unlike anyone she had ever been with, Khaliah prayed over her and it was an action that put her above anyone else in Colby's heart, mind, and soul. Khaliah knew Colby, whom she affectionately calls "Colbs," was the one a month after they met, to the date. Since then, this couple has embarked on a love story all their own that has been a whirlwind of ease and adventure in the year that they have been together. Despite living in different countries (Colby lives in Merida, Mexico and Khaliah lives in Houston, Texas), the couple who are madly in love make their relationship work.
In this installment of How We Met, Colby and Khaliah talk about the love lessons they've learned, courtship, healing, and the importance of timing.
How They Met
Colby Holiday: We met while I was on a press trip with Visit Houston by way of Turner PR. I was covering a story on Black-owned Houston and the PR rep set Kay (Khaliah) and me up on a meet and greet since she is the owner of Nap Bar -- a Black-owned rest sanctuary in Houston.
Khaliah O. Guillory: Colbs and I met in Houston, TX at Trez Bistro & Wine Bar! My peeps over at Visit Houston reached out (kind of last-minute) and mentioned they commissioned a journalist to write an article on Black-owned businesses and was wondering if I would be open to meeting her for drinks. Keep in mind this was around the time of George Floyd’s murder and the Black Lives Matter movement, so my energy wasn’t necessarily in the mood for such heavy, layered conversation I’ve had on repeat…until I saw her profile picture. Oh yeah! My French Fry is a BADDIE!
The night Khaliah and Colby met.
Courtesy of Colby Holiday
First Impressions
Colby: “Her energy is everything!” were my first thoughts. I always say I met her energy before I met her. She was just this big ball of energy in the best way. Within minutes of meeting, we were talking about manifestations and synchronicities. Her vibe was all around dope. I felt like we’d be friends beyond Houston, or at minimum keep in contact here and there, but never did I ever think we’d end up here!
Khaliah: My first impression after stalking [and] carefully researching her online… What? I had to make sure it was worth it to hang out with a “journalist” on a Friday night (laughs). Okay, so back to doing my research online. I ran across Colby’s blog and immediately fell in love with her tone, style, and flow of writing. Her writing technique has a way of creating a visual story in your head as she carefully uses adjectives that give you a vivid visualization of what she is describing. I was mentally stimulated from there.
"I knew it was love when she held my hand through my most vulnerable moments and loved me anyway. Not even that she loved me through those moments, but she created a safe space to allow that vulnerability, to begin with."
Courtesy of Colby Holiday
First Date
Colby: It was the most magical date ever! Our first official date was a surprise date planned by Kay. On day 32, she booked me a flight from Atlanta. I was going to spend nine days with her in Houston. I was so nervous because I’d only spent a few hours with her the first time I was in Houston. We see each other every day several times a day via Facetime, but now we’ll be in the flesh. Would that connection be the same? Just as powerful? Just as magical? The answer was yes.
The evening started with her meeting me at baggage claim. We hugged deep. Time stood still. Silence surrounded us. It was just me and her, lost in our own world. She whisked me to the parking lot where a car with a red carpet and rose petals and a driver awaited. He drove us to, what I assumed was her apartment building. We headed to the eighth floor, to a large room, where we were met with a candlelit walkway with rose petals. We walked in and there was a guy singing and playing the guitar to one of my favorite songs!
There was also a videographer/photographer to capture every moment. I was absolutely speechless! This would be the theme as the evening unfolded — me being speechless. From the menu to the wine selection, the song selections, to the placemats she had custom-made with quotes from my writing. Every single thing was intentional and well thought out. It was hands down the best date ever!
Khaliah: I remember the first date just like it was yesterday. I flew her in for the best date ever! It started when she arrived at the airport—I sent her a curated playlist with instructions to listen to while in flight. The playlist included jams like, "Love of My Life" (Brian McKnight), "Spend My Life with You" (Eric Benét), "A Muse" (dvsn), and "You" (Raheem DeVaughn) to name a few. Now, I gave this little lady specific instructions to travel “date-ready” because we had a strict timeline. I knew she landed because I tracked the flight. After she didn’t respond to the text, “I’m inside the airport at baggage claim,” I started to low-key, high-key panic. I just knew she ghosted me! Well, come to find out she didn’t follow directions and went to the restroom to get glammed up.
I met her inside at baggage claim and to be funny and break the awkwardness of our first “real” date, I made a sign that had her name on it—you know like what the personal drivers do! We proceeded outside to the actual driver, and he whisked us off to dinner. When she walked into the private space reserved just for us--she was greeted by my boy, Keith, who serenaded Colby with her favorite Anthony Hamilton song while walking through candlelit rose petals carefully placed on the floor. We were greeted by Chef Lynn who prepared one of Colby’s favorite meals—short ribs, broccolini, and garlic mashed potatoes, paired with her favorite red blend. I knew Colby loved attention to detail so I reached out to my friend Rockie at Custom Tingz for her to create a custom placemat that included a quote from one of her many fabulous articles. I wanted her to have a keepsake. The night was nothing short of magical!
The Courtship
Colby: I would say Kay was the initiator in pursuing the relationship and I was the initiator in taking the relationship to the next level. If it were up to me, I would have left our interaction as just a moment in Houston, but Kay kept in contact after I left. We spent hours on FaceTime, and when we weren’t on FaceTime, we were sending voice memos all day. She sent me hand-written love letters and an embroidered blanket, because I’m always cold, for an upcoming trip I was taking. In return, I sent her love letters and Luther Vandross’ Forever, for Always, for Lovevinyl from my grandparent’s collection. While I was in Kenya, she somehow managed to get a hold of the hotel I was staying at and had them leave a card and a small bouquet of fresh flowers on my pillow. Listen, her courting is next level! But, it worked.
I returned from Kenya and told my family and friends that I’d met someone, who I’m pretty sure is “the one”...oh, and it’s a woman. Surprise (laughs). They were equally shocked and supportive. I think Kay was just as shocked because this was a big thing -- telling my family and friends that I was now with a woman. But, for me, it was easy and I wanted the people I love to share in the love that I have for her. A little over a month after we met, we had a casual conversation while standing in the kitchen about “what are we.” I told her we were a couple and the rest is history.
Khaliah: So, check it. I’m going to give you the tea on this, okay?! Because Colby is still in full-out denial about some of her actions that catapulted our relationship to the next level. In short, I guess overall we can say I was the initiator AND she sealed the deal when she initiated the first kiss. The courtship continues. I vow to always court her. She’s not regular and it’s an honor for me to court her. Because we live in two different countries, the courtship, as I think about it, is the gushy kind, like a rom-com, imagine the materialization of the best quotes from Love Jones. I found myself ‘Jonesin’ like never before, writing four-page love letters, sending playlists, and such.
The conversation that ensued (let’s call it on Day 4 or 5) was one for the record books. We were having an intimate and vulnerable conversation about what we learned in our past relationships and the healing that needed to take place in order to be “whole” for the next one. We both shared about the tumultuous journey to healing we embarked on and made a promise to each other that we vowed to never unravel the hard work. It was refreshing and would be the springboard for many deep, stimulating, and “oh my gosh I’m so in love with this woman” conversations I’ll have with Colbs.
Courtesy of Colby Holiday
The One
Colby: For me, I couldn’t imagine doing life with anyone else. The way she held space for me and vowed to protect my heart as if it were her own — I knew she was the one I wanted to do life with. This happened very early on — we weren’t even a week in (laughs). In fact, it was the moment she prayed for me, over the phone, as I was getting ready to head out on a road trip for my birthday. It had me in tears. No one had ever prayed for me and over me that way. I knew then that I wanted to do life with her.
I knew it was love when every thought about my future included Kay -- when we spoke definitively about our future in “whens” and not hypothetical “ifs.” There are few things that I can say that I am sure of, but this…this thing that Kay and I have is the most certain I’ve ever been about anything. I knew it was love when she held my hand through my most vulnerable moments and loved me anyway. Not even that she loved me through those moments, but she created a safe space to allow that vulnerability, to begin with.
Khaliah: I wanted to commit to a relationship the moment I realized I no longer wanted to give her the world, instead I wanted to do life and dwell in the world with her. Navigating life with all that comes with it—love, loss, happiness, grief, joy, and everything in between.
I knew it was beyond love, she was created for me. My divine partner. You see, I took 2020 to truly heal. I stopped dating and on my birthday in October 2020, I wrote out my ‘divine partner’ list and all the characteristics and personality traits I desired for them to have. I don’t believe in luck or serendipity. After the hundredth “coincidence,” I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was madly in love with who I was meant to journey with.
"I wanted to commit to a relationship the moment I realized I no longer wanted to give her the world, instead I wanted to do life and dwell in the world with her. Navigating life with all that comes with it—love, loss, happiness, grief, joy, and everything in between. I knew it was beyond love, she was created for me. My divine partner."
Courtesy of Colby Holiday
Individual Challenges & Challenges as a Couple
Colby: I think the biggest challenge I’ve had to work through is realizing that we are a team. Unrequited relationships were the theme of my past. So, even when there was someone, I never had a true partner to count on and lean on. If I wanted anything done, I had to do it myself. If I wanted a romantic evening, I had to plan it. If I needed the oil changed in my car, I had to get it changed or change it myself. You get the point. With my experience in previous relationships, coupled with childhood traumas, I am wildly independent. So, when Kay came along I had to realize that it’s not just me anymore.
I don’t have to do it, whatever it is, alone. She is my person and I had to learn to lean on her. Integrating someone into a world that I’d been navigating solo, and taking her thoughts and feelings into consideration was a bit of a challenge for me. I think our biggest challenge as a couple has been the distance. We live in two different countries, but we make the absolute best of it. Lots of Facetime dinner dates, evening walks, and surprises, like I’ll Instacart her groceries, dinner or her favorite snacks. You can still date even when you’re countries apart.
Khaliah: Initially, in the beginning, distance was one of our biggest challenges. She lives in Mexico, and I live in Houston, TX. Another was the ability to discern when I am projecting onto her or an understanding that we need to reach. One thing is for sure, two people can express their truths and they are completely different yet in reality, two truths can dwell together.
Baggage Claim
Colby: We talk about everything --- even the hard conversations that could make a relationship implode. Though I’d done a lot of healing and self-work before we became a couple, there were still times I found myself reverting back to my old ways and insecurities, like not communicating and feeling not enough. After one challenging conversation, Kay suggested I find a therapist (something I’d been putting on the backburner for years) and unpack some of these feelings.
I found a therapist the very next day because what I didn’t want was for old baggage to affect our current relationship. I had to unlearn poor communication skills and masking my true feelings and thoughts, instead of saying how I really feel or what the true issue is. Therapy has helped so much with that.
Khaliah: We navigated [baggage as a couple] by seeking professional advice through therapists who “look like us” and can relate. The tools and resources they share individually have helped us countless times navigate each other’s baggage and shine a flashlight on blind spots and behaviors that are preventing us from showing up in the world as we intend to. [Individually, unlearning certain 'bad' behaviors] required me to go back to 8-year-old Khaliah and rub her back and let her know that as she navigates adulthood, she will experience trauma manifested as rejection and abandonment.
You see, I am a love child and didn’t establish a healthy relationship with my biological father until the last two years. Because of the absence of my father and every time he would “no call, no show” my family, bless their hearts, would “cheer me up” after each disappointment and take me to Chuck E. Cheese. Those childhood behaviors created an adult that expected, no required, other adults in my life to “cheer me up” when I felt abandoned or rejected regardless of if they were a part of the situation.
Love Lessons
Colby: [I've learned] you don’t have to set yourself on fire in order to keep others warm. I am a people pleaser. I will go out my way to not inconvenience others, even if it’s at my own expense. Kay is constantly reminding me that it is okay to be selfish with my time and energy. She reminds me to give myself permission to rest and to take care of me — mind, body, and spirit. We both came into our relationship with our own methods of staying grounded and centered, like practicing meditation, affirmations, yoga, exercising, etc. But, it has elevated to such a deeper act of self-care having someone that not only makes sure I’m taken care of, but that I’m taking care of myself, first and foremost.
I’ve learned that while love is multi-faceted, it doesn't have to be complicated. Love, with the right one, isn’t hard. It doesn’t hurt. I’ve learned that being the best version of myself was a prerequisite for this love that I had been calling forth. I still had work to do and had I met the love of my life at any other point in time, I probably would’ve blown it. Timing is everything. And when it’s right, it doesn't have to be forced -- everything moves with flow and ease.
Khaliah: Colbs loves me as I am. The things I am afraid to admit to myself while staring in the mirror she embraces them, kisses them. The most important lesson I’ve learned about the love of self through her love is to not tolerate the shameful moments of my growth, celebrate them, and know I don’t have to “put on” for the right people in my life –they will also celebrate those moments.
Through loving my partner in this relationship I’ve learned that sometimes you don’t have to have a “backup” plan. Take the risk. Do the thing that truly makes you happy. Another lesson learned about love is you must release and surrender to what you thought it will “look like” and embrace what it is. We are truly writing the modern-day version of The Notebook—the adventures…and misadventures!
"Love, with the right one, isn’t hard. It doesn’t hurt. I’ve learned that being the best version of myself was a prerequisite for this love that I had been calling forth. I still had work to do and had I met the love of my life at any other point in time, I probably would’ve blown it. Timing is everything. And when it’s right, it doesn't have to be forced -- everything moves with flow and ease."
Courtesy of Colby Holiday
Shared Values
Colby: Integrity, dying empty -- meaning we both value living life to the absolute fullest, and being the change in the world.
Khaliah: Integrity, vulnerable communication, generosity, and fun.
The Best Part
Colby: My favorite thing about Kay is her thoughtfulness. She really knows how to make a girl feel special. It’s the little things like little sticky notes she leaves in my luggage, in my passport, etc. when I’m traveling and getting my workspace ready for me when she knows I have a lot to do. It’s the moments in the mundane that she always makes feel extra special.
Khaliah: Some of the favorite things about Colby are her heart and soul are pure, loving, free-spirited. I can bask in her presence until the end of time. I love how we communicate about the stuff that most couples would avoid in fear it would ruin the relationship.
For more of Colby and Khaliah, follow them on Instagram @worldofawanderer and @kogspeaks.
Featured image courtesy of Colby Holiday
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images