In this How We Met story, I had the pleasure of speaking to two New York-bred artists: Crystal T. Williams and Alfred E. Rutherford. You may notice Alfred from Lifetime’s Keyshia Cole: This is My Story, All Blk’s LACE, or the currently trending Tubi movie Killer Beat. Crystal is also an actress and working producer who spends a lot of her time making movie magic.
But what many people may not know is that when they aren’t on set, the pair are together every day, proving that true connection is the real magic. The path wasn’t always easy, but they were both intentional about walking it. Check out this exclusive conversation with xoNecole to find out how a chance encounter, an uncomfortable prank, and two unique perspectives led to a happy marriage.
Let’s start at the beginning. How did you two meet?
Crystal: We have very different answers to that question. I first saw him at a screening where I was supporting fellow actors. But when I first met him in person, I actually walked up to him and introduced myself, told him how great he was at the screening, and gave him my card. But he never called. That was our first physical interaction. It was my way of telling him I thought he was attractive. Also, he was talking to a young lady, and I wasn’t sure what was going on there. They were really close. So I kinda stepped in and was like, ‘Sorry, did I interrupt?’ And once she said no, I just kept talking.
Alfred: Yeah, a lot was going on for me. As she said, we didn’t technically meet the first time, but I remember seeing her, and I loved her green eyes. I remember repeatedly asking my friends, ‘Who is the girl with the green eyes? Then when she came up to me at the actor workshop, I was like, “It’s the girl with the green eyes!’
Courtesy
Okay, now how did it progress? Did y'all start talking on the phone after that?
Crystal: He never called me. I just kept seeing him randomly. I mean he was everywhere – auditions, a barbecue, everywhere. Long story short: he had a girlfriend. But this particular time I saw him, he was with a group of known actors, and I noticed there was an attraction between him and a beautiful super, talented actress who is a friend of ours, and she was interested in how we knew each other – so I uncomfortably answered, ‘well he’s kinda stalking me.’ I made it so uncomfortable. Then I walked off. I was just trying to block that situation.
Down the line, he messaged me on Facebook, which is interesting because he had my number. But still, nothing really happened. Finally, I saw him on 14th Street in Manhattan one day, tapped him on the shoulder, I said ‘hi,’ and we organized a date.
Alfred: In other words, she sabotaged my situation that I may have had going on. You see how much of a good guy I was? So even though I found her attractive, I had to make sure I was playing my cards right. The barbecue situation was hilarious to me. Everybody else looked shocked, but I loved it. That was the first time I really started to focus on her. I think some people would’ve been offended, but it was such a prank, and I found it cool. I tried to call her over to me that day, but she didn't turn back around (laughs).
What was the first date like? Do you remember anything that stuck out?
Crystal: Well, I was living in Brooklyn at the time, and he was moving to Brooklyn from the Bronx. So we met in Williamsburg at a popular restaurant called Taku Taku, that’s no longer around. I’m very funny about time, and he was over an hour late. I was fuming and wondering if I was being stood up. But he kept answering my texts. By the time he got there, I was MAD.
Alfred: Just to let everyone know, before I was a full-time actor, I was sports director at the YMCA – with all the little children. And there was a random crisis in the building going on. You know I love the kids, so I had to take care of that! To all the guys out there, you gotta know your purpose comes first.
So there was a post-work crisis, late to the date vibe going on. How did the energy change?
Crystal: Well, I liked him, and I knew I really wanted to get to know him. I felt like the chaser. I had been super outspoken and gave him my card. Plus, I feel like everybody gets a pass. So, that was his.
Alfred: I don’t feel like she chased me, but she did let it be known that she was interested. However, my grandmother and my mother raised a southern gentleman, so you know, I had to handle that situation the right way at the time.
But yes, on our date, she was visibly upset at first. I was wondering if I was going to have to go to the bathroom and leave because she was giving me such an attitude. But then she warmed up when I explained what happened. After that, it was a lot of fun. I made her laugh, and it all worked out.
I don’t feel like she chased me, but she did let it be known that she was interested. However, my grandmother and my mother raised a southern gentleman, so you know, I had to handle that situation the right way at the time.
Beautiful. Now, talk to me about the courtship. How did the journey develop?
Crystal: Listen, I had the key in like 30 days.
Alfred: Okay, wait a minute. I have a reputation to protect (laughs). Let me defend myself again. So when I moved to Brooklyn, she, of course, was already familiar with the area and used to ride her bike around there for exercise. And I didn’t want to have her just riding around outside. If something happened, her father was going to look at me. So I gave her the key and said if I wasn’t there, she could still go inside. That was the reason - just being a gentleman (laughs).
So that feels like exclusivity. Did y'all have “the what are we talk,” or did it just happen naturally?
Crystal: No, we never had that conversation. Well, not like “Will you be my boyfriend?” Or “Will you be my girlfriend?” We just knew we were in love with each other. I was in my early twenties, and I remember I asked him if he knew what “143” meant and he said it back (laughs).
Alfred: I had to ask my kids at the YMCA what it meant.
Courtesy
As things developed, what challenges did you have to overcome together, and how do you think it affected your relationship?
Crystal: I grew up with a lot of siblings - and brothers. So I was very boyish. I was always used to doing certain things myself. And my father raised me to be very independent and to never rely on men for anything. But I had to learn to come back to myself as a woman and realize, hey, you have an actual physical man here. I had to learn to let him lead and guide.
Alfred: So again, I’m an actor, and I was moving to L.A. at the time. L.A. has some beautiful women but I also have a beautiful wife now, right? So the challenge, I think, for us was the things people said, ‘Well, girl, you know, he's going to be out there and it’s not gonna work.’ And I do think temptation plays a real important role in how the relationship is going to unfold. But I just started to live a bicoastal life. I was living in L.A. but spent more time in New York. So that was able to actually help us, and once we got serious - I moved.
Crystal: I have to add to that, I always said I would never do long distance. We really had to decide to make it work. I had a job that was remote so I could travel anywhere. We got to explore L.A. together, and it ended up being a blessing.
Alfred: And it turns out, living in L.A. wasn't for me. So you have to allow yourself room when you're in a relationship, and your partner gives you room to be – because we had an impasse. There was a night where we had a very real conversation about if we were going to break it off. But we decided to give it a shot. I'm of the mind that people make happen whatever they want to make happen. Everything else is an excuse. Distance is an excuse. It's not saying it's not going to be difficult, but anything worth having is worth fighting for. Me knowing what I wanted made it an easy choice.
I have to add to that, I always said I would never do long distance. We really had to decide to make it work. I had a job that was remote so I could travel anywhere. We got to explore L.A. together, and it ended up being a blessing.
What about day-to-day challenges? What do you typically argue about?
Crystal: Alfred grewup with a lot of women in his house, and he grew up in a way that wonderful West Indian women do things. Everything is in a certain place and done a certain way. I didn't necessarily grow up like that, although I do have West Indian roots. So he likes things structured. If anything is not where it needs to be or in the right place, that’s a conversation.
Alfred: Yeah, I'm a traditionalist, and I believe without order, chaos will ensue. I grew up in a household with West Indian women who were married for 50 and 60 years. And as a boy, I would be able to see them give my female cousins and aunts all these instructions about how to treat their husbands like I was at this university of relationships. I know at times I may seem like a very intense person to her, but I feel like I have very unique insight into why a lot of relationships falter. Some of it is systematic, particularly in our community. We just don't have things in order, and we weren't raised to be in successful relationships.
It’s interesting hearing how your backgrounds shaped different aspects of your relationship. I’m curious, what’s a focal shared value?
Alfred: I think one of the things that we’ve shared and actually impressed me a lot about Crystal was her view on family values. Not to be stereotypical, but she’s half Italian and half Jamaican – and both cultures are known to be big on that. Like during Christmas, we shop for everyone, even the little nephews. I’m always like why are we shopping for all these people? But secretly, I really like that because I come from a matriarch where my grandmother made clear that everything was God first and then family immediately after.
Finally, what do you love most about each other?
Crystal: I love how he loves me. But I also love who he is as a man, how structured he is, and how he tells me what’s best for me even when I don’t want to hear it.
Alfred: The reality is that she has the biggest heart that I’ve ever come into contact with in a romantic sense. I can be mad at her, and the second I see her in pain – I go to mush. It’s priceless. I don’t have children yet, but I understand how fathers melt when their little girl’s face melts. Plus, I’m an artist and a bit intense. You know how that goes. We have self-destructive tendencies sometimes. But I can honestly say that whenever you see me, I represent not only myself but my wife, my family, my mother, and my roots.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by madopile/Getty Images