
Think Long And Hard Before Recycling Relationships (Friendships Too)

Whew-wheeeeeee. If there is a topic that I can tell you I’m sharing from a very up close and extremely personal experience, it’s recycling relationships. And yet, that’s what a lot of us do when it comes to relationships — personal and professional, romantic and platonic — we may grow, change and evolve and yet, even when a relationship is no longer serving us, what we will do is recycle it.
And while I guess one could see it as a way of trying to not “throw anything away,” I want to share some of the reasons why recycling and upcycling relationships could actually be counterproductive while ultimately doing you more harm than good, if you’re not careful. Are you ready to dive in? This one might be slightly a bit of a doozy.
What It Means to Recycle Relationships
When it comes to the environment, I’m pretty sure we all know that recycling is good for it. When you are “treating or processing (used or waste materials) so as to make suitable for reuse” and what you are doing this to is things like plastic and glass, that is beneficial. However, peep another definition of recycle — “to use again in the original form or with minimal alteration.” When it came to a lot of the men in my world, this is where I used to trip up — badly and often. I mean, if the relationship came to an end, it was for a justifiable and significant reason, right?
Why does the passing of time or even missing someone (even if it’s just the sex) suddenly make those reasons invalid? And while I do think that there are times when getting back with an ex isn’t totally toxic and unhealthy (there are exceptions to every rule), this can’t be the case when you’re literally going back to what and who has remained in their original form…because isn’t there something (or some things) about the “original form” that caused you to call things “quits” in the first place?
That’s why, whenever people come to me talking about intentionally remaining in hamster wheel situations with an ex, something that I will share (again, from personal experience) is in order for returning to your past to actually work, BOTH PEOPLE will have needed to do some personal growing and evolving. Otherwise, all you’re doing is repeating a pattern — oftentimes one that will get you absolutely nowhere than where you’ve already been.
So yeah, before recycling a relationship, think about what the word literally means, because all of us have limited time (much less than we think that we do). And you know what? Why waste it on something that you’ve already experienced? Meaning, if there’s nothing new to see, why even go there? Rinse and repeat: Why even go there?
What It Means to Upcycle Relationships
Okay, so upcycling is a bit different. Back in the day, I lived across the street from a girl who taught me how to upcycle jeans that no longer fit. What we would do was cut down the seam of the pants and then sew the fronts and backs together in order to turn them into a skirt. This is a great example of what it means to upcycle because the definition is “to process (used goods or waste material) so as to produce something that is often better than the original.” I’ll be the first to say that upcycling is way better than recycling.
Still, when it comes to relationships (friendships included), be careful with this. Case in point — there is a woman from my past who was toxic — I mean, TOXIC toxic. Every couple of years, she would reach out to want to “fresh start” our friendship and every time, I turned her down (check out “6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life”). The main reason was that, although we had similar senses of humor and she was very smart, her intellect was also very cunning and calculated at times — so much to the point where, after getting some distance from her, I didn’t really see where she was holistically benefitting me on any level.
I actually could name more reasons why she was not good for my world than why she was constructive in it. And so, even though, according to her, she had changed and things would be better, the “original bar” was so damn low that I didn’t really see the point. Y’all, if you’re going to upcycle a relationship or friendship, take the literal definition to heart — think about how the original form of the dynamic was and then really ponder if there was enough goodness there to build on the original and make it better. Not a little bit better. LOTS BETTER.
3 Things to Consider Before Recycling or Upcycling Relationships
Okay, so now (hopefully) you’ve got a clearer understanding of what it means to recycle and upcycle a relationship with someone else. If it’s something that you’re considering doing, it’s important (imperative even) that you ask yourself the following three questions, first.
1. In this season of your life, what do you actually need them for?
Something that wisdom teaches us is, it’s not just okay to have your needs met in relationships, it’s absolutely essential. That said, during the time when the two of you were apart, how did your needs shift? Once you are clear on that, how can bringing them back into your life help you to get some of those needs met? Not only that but are they down to meet them and are you, based on where you are in this season of life, willing to meet theirs as well? If the answer is “no” to any of this, again…what’s the point in returning to what you have already left?
2. Are they “good” or just “familiar” to you?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for xoNecole entitled, “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?.” If you’re thinking about recycling an ex, I highly recommend that you check it out. Beyond that, something else that you should think long and hard about is if the person is actually good to and for you, long-term, or just someone you are familiar with. You know, it took me a LONG time to fully get over my first love and a part of the reason was the familiarity was nostalgic — and to me, that was comforting.
Once I got past that, though, and then I accepted a lot of his “foot-dragging” and “stagnation patterns” (which had always been there) for what it was — I got that he’s not a bad guy (he really isn’t). Good for me, though? Meh. He’s more familiar than anything else. And sticking with — or returning to — something (or one), just because it’s something (or one) that I’m used to? That simply isn’t good enough. That’s the kind of revelation you come to when you know what you are truly worthy of. TRUST Me.
3. Do you have a pattern of recycling or upcycling relationships?
A poet and author by the name of Naphtali "Tuli" Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” And lawd, ain’t that the truth? You know, it’s gonna be difficult to know if you are recycling or upcycling a relationship if you’re not willing to admit to yourself that this is a pattern for you. I’ve got a client, right now, who is in a counterproductive situation with a friend. Interestingly enough, what they call “having faith” in them, I call “being used” by them because all that ever really happens is they fight, make-up, and then my client does most of the work to keep things going until they…fight, make-up and do the same thing all over again.
You know what they say — in order to have something new, you must do something new. That said, no one is saying that you can’t maintain peace in your ended relationships or even be “cool with them” to a point. Yet again — and it really can’t be said enough — if you’re just going through the motions of going through the same stuff or you’re not taking the original version of your dynamic and making it better (not you alone; BOTH OF YOU), at the end of the day, it really is a waste of your time — and you should love yourself enough to not waste your time.
I know this is the time of year when people tend to “pop back up.” If/when they do, ask yourself if it’s worth it to recycle or upcycle because, from personal experience, I can tell you that more times than not…it’s not. Doing a new thing is (typically) best.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images
- What My 45-Year-Old Self Would Tell My 25-Year-Old Self ›
- 6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life ›
- Relationship Problems Pandemic Tips - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Getting Back With An Ex? 6 Things To Consider - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
The first time I heard about burn journaling was during my interview with Dreka Gates. She shared a self-care practice a holistic doctor recommended involving writing “whatever is pissing me off” and then burning the paper afterwards. According to the model, burning the page neutralizes the negative energy.
This practice piqued my interest, so I decided to do some research. I ran across a few articles about the practice and what exactly it entails. However, I soon remembered that I actually practiced burn journaling over a year ago and again last year.
The first time I did it, I was among a group of ladies and we were encouraged to write down our feelings in our journals. Afterwards, we huddled around and one by one burned our pages with some ladies even revealing what they wrote. It was a beautiful moment and a great way to support each other.
The second time I did burn journaling, I was by myself. I was reading Calling In The One and one of the practices involved writing down the things I wanted to let go of and burning it. I had Cleo Sol’s “Know That You Are Loved” playing in the background on repeat while I burned the pages in my apartment bathroom.
What Does Burn Journaling Do?
Based on my experience and others' explanations, burn journaling is a cathartic practice. The act of burning serves as an emotional release of past traumas, old thoughts, and negative feelings. It’s also a way to say goodbye and/ or forgive.
Types of Burn Journaling
There are different examples of burn journaling: Burning journals after writing, burning letters and burning lists.
Burn Journals
As stated before, you can write in a journal and burn it afterwards. It’s up to you if you burn it page by page or wait until you fill the journal up and burn it altogether. There are journals you can buy for the sole purpose of burning them afterwards.
Maskot/ Getty Images
Burn Lists
This technique involves writing a list of things you want to let go of and then burning it. Burning the list symbolizes the release of those things.
Burn Letters
Another example are burn letters. For this technique, you write a letter to someone that you either want to forgive or let go of, but instead of sending it to them, you burn it.
Safety Precautions
If you do decide to try this practice, make sure to be safe. Use a fireproof bowl for burning and never leave it unattended. Alternatively, you can shred the pages.
If you’re in Atlanta and want to try burn journaling, meet me this Sunday for Burn Journaling & Walk.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Mikhal Dmitriev/ Getty Images