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Think Long And Hard Before Recycling Relationships (Friendships Too)
Whew-wheeeeeee. If there is a topic that I can tell you I’m sharing from a very up close and extremely personal experience, it’s recycling relationships. And yet, that’s what a lot of us do when it comes to relationships — personal and professional, romantic and platonic — we may grow, change and evolve and yet, even when a relationship is no longer serving us, what we will do is recycle it.
And while I guess one could see it as a way of trying to not “throw anything away,” I want to share some of the reasons why recycling and upcycling relationships could actually be counterproductive while ultimately doing you more harm than good, if you’re not careful. Are you ready to dive in? This one might be slightly a bit of a doozy.
What It Means to Recycle Relationships
When it comes to the environment, I’m pretty sure we all know that recycling is good for it. When you are “treating or processing (used or waste materials) so as to make suitable for reuse” and what you are doing this to is things like plastic and glass, that is beneficial. However, peep another definition of recycle — “to use again in the original form or with minimal alteration.” When it came to a lot of the men in my world, this is where I used to trip up — badly and often. I mean, if the relationship came to an end, it was for a justifiable and significant reason, right?
Why does the passing of time or even missing someone (even if it’s just the sex) suddenly make those reasons invalid? And while I do think that there are times when getting back with an ex isn’t totally toxic and unhealthy (there are exceptions to every rule), this can’t be the case when you’re literally going back to what and who has remained in their original form…because isn’t there something (or some things) about the “original form” that caused you to call things “quits” in the first place?
That’s why, whenever people come to me talking about intentionally remaining in hamster wheel situations with an ex, something that I will share (again, from personal experience) is in order for returning to your past to actually work, BOTH PEOPLE will have needed to do some personal growing and evolving. Otherwise, all you’re doing is repeating a pattern — oftentimes one that will get you absolutely nowhere than where you’ve already been.
So yeah, before recycling a relationship, think about what the word literally means, because all of us have limited time (much less than we think that we do). And you know what? Why waste it on something that you’ve already experienced? Meaning, if there’s nothing new to see, why even go there? Rinse and repeat: Why even go there?
What It Means to Upcycle Relationships
Okay, so upcycling is a bit different. Back in the day, I lived across the street from a girl who taught me how to upcycle jeans that no longer fit. What we would do was cut down the seam of the pants and then sew the fronts and backs together in order to turn them into a skirt. This is a great example of what it means to upcycle because the definition is “to process (used goods or waste material) so as to produce something that is often better than the original.” I’ll be the first to say that upcycling is way better than recycling.
Still, when it comes to relationships (friendships included), be careful with this. Case in point — there is a woman from my past who was toxic — I mean, TOXIC toxic. Every couple of years, she would reach out to want to “fresh start” our friendship and every time, I turned her down (check out “6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life”). The main reason was that, although we had similar senses of humor and she was very smart, her intellect was also very cunning and calculated at times — so much to the point where, after getting some distance from her, I didn’t really see where she was holistically benefitting me on any level.
I actually could name more reasons why she was not good for my world than why she was constructive in it. And so, even though, according to her, she had changed and things would be better, the “original bar” was so damn low that I didn’t really see the point. Y’all, if you’re going to upcycle a relationship or friendship, take the literal definition to heart — think about how the original form of the dynamic was and then really ponder if there was enough goodness there to build on the original and make it better. Not a little bit better. LOTS BETTER.
3 Things to Consider Before Recycling or Upcycling Relationships
Okay, so now (hopefully) you’ve got a clearer understanding of what it means to recycle and upcycle a relationship with someone else. If it’s something that you’re considering doing, it’s important (imperative even) that you ask yourself the following three questions, first.
1. In this season of your life, what do you actually need them for?
Something that wisdom teaches us is, it’s not just okay to have your needs met in relationships, it’s absolutely essential. That said, during the time when the two of you were apart, how did your needs shift? Once you are clear on that, how can bringing them back into your life help you to get some of those needs met? Not only that but are they down to meet them and are you, based on where you are in this season of life, willing to meet theirs as well? If the answer is “no” to any of this, again…what’s the point in returning to what you have already left?
2. Are they “good” or just “familiar” to you?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for xoNecole entitled, “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?.” If you’re thinking about recycling an ex, I highly recommend that you check it out. Beyond that, something else that you should think long and hard about is if the person is actually good to and for you, long-term, or just someone you are familiar with. You know, it took me a LONG time to fully get over my first love and a part of the reason was the familiarity was nostalgic — and to me, that was comforting.
Once I got past that, though, and then I accepted a lot of his “foot-dragging” and “stagnation patterns” (which had always been there) for what it was — I got that he’s not a bad guy (he really isn’t). Good for me, though? Meh. He’s more familiar than anything else. And sticking with — or returning to — something (or one), just because it’s something (or one) that I’m used to? That simply isn’t good enough. That’s the kind of revelation you come to when you know what you are truly worthy of. TRUST Me.
3. Do you have a pattern of recycling or upcycling relationships?
A poet and author by the name of Naphtali "Tuli" Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” And lawd, ain’t that the truth? You know, it’s gonna be difficult to know if you are recycling or upcycling a relationship if you’re not willing to admit to yourself that this is a pattern for you. I’ve got a client, right now, who is in a counterproductive situation with a friend. Interestingly enough, what they call “having faith” in them, I call “being used” by them because all that ever really happens is they fight, make-up, and then my client does most of the work to keep things going until they…fight, make-up and do the same thing all over again.
You know what they say — in order to have something new, you must do something new. That said, no one is saying that you can’t maintain peace in your ended relationships or even be “cool with them” to a point. Yet again — and it really can’t be said enough — if you’re just going through the motions of going through the same stuff or you’re not taking the original version of your dynamic and making it better (not you alone; BOTH OF YOU), at the end of the day, it really is a waste of your time — and you should love yourself enough to not waste your time.
I know this is the time of year when people tend to “pop back up.” If/when they do, ask yourself if it’s worth it to recycle or upcycle because, from personal experience, I can tell you that more times than not…it’s not. Doing a new thing is (typically) best.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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