When I was introduced to shadow work outside of my work as an editor or social media introspections, it was during a conversation with a woman I met through Instagram. Over drinks during our first in-person meeting, she told me about the personal transformation she underwent as a result of enrolling in a shadow work course and said that the woman I encountered that evening would have been so different had she not done such deep inner work.
I saw it as a sign to invest in myself. 2023 for me, has been about being intentional with feeling more grounded in my sense of self. This looked like being consistent about my fitness journey for the physical and mental benefits, saying “yes” to cultivating new connections and friendships, establishing routines, and spending more quality time with myself. I didn’t realize it then, but I was experiencing a major life shift. Shadow work making its way to my path felt like a push in the right direction.
It would end up being exactly what I needed because days after my discovery call with my shadow work guide Jordan Jeppe, my relationship ended. All of this growth I’ve been ushering into this new season of life, and I didn’t think about the loss that could come with it. I was sad, but I reached a point of acceptance at the end of my relationship. I was grateful for who he was and who we were together, but I realized how complacent I had become and how tired I was of the emotional labor I carried and the over-giving I had been doing.
I took it as a sign to switch my Mariposa course with Jordan from Intro to Shadow Work: Discover Your Shadow to Celibacy: A Journey to Deeper Self-Love. Although I love myself and can say that with so much conviction and confidence, there were patterns of behaviors that, even in healthier situations, seemed to pre-determine the relationships I attracted in my life, the role I played in them, and the length of time I’d decide to stay there without much thought or consideration of how I feel and what I need.
Despite being a grown woman in her early 30s, my inner child was subconsciously controlling my narrative. To break the cycle of certain patterns that presented themselves in my work, my relationships, and with myself, my internal world needed to change if I wanted to see a change in my external world.
Little did I know that investing in Jordan’s shadow work course was one of the best gifts I could ever give myself. Amid the work of old wounds, I am finally beginning to heal, here are some of the biggest lessons I have learned so far.
There are levels to boundaries.
grace helbig beauty GIF by This Might GetGiphySocial media will have you thinking boundaries is the default card you pull when you’re faced with something, someone, a circumstance, or a request where the answer is, “Naw, I’m good.” While I’ve loved the way people have been empowered to say no whenever something is not a resounding hell yes or been able to aptly cut off and readily block people who cross a boundary, I have been relieved to learn that boundaries have levels.
Since I am aware that the way I communicate isn’t as “direct” as I sometimes like to think, I loved the idea of boundaries being a three-step process versus a “one-strike, you’re out” sort of concept it has long since been associated with in my mind.
In one of our early one-on-one coaching sessions, Jordan put me on to a color-coded system for setting boundaries, as specified in Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free:
Green Boundary: low risk, and the gentlest language. Assumes the other person wasn’t aware they were overstepping and wants to respect your limits. Your boundary language is clear, generous, and very kind. Leaves any potential consequences unsaid in the spirit of good faith. Example: "For the health of our friendship, I'd like to ask that we take a week to be no-contact. I need time to process and ask that you respect my request."
Yellow Boundary: elevated risk, and firmer language. Used as a follow-up if your green boundary isn’t respected, or if historical interactions with this person indicate the threat is higher. Yellow may also include an intended consequence, if appropriate.
Red Boundary: severe risk, and your most direct language. At this point, your health, safety, and/or relationship are in jeopardy, and your language must reflect the severity of the situation. It’s still kind, but this is their last reminder and makes it clear that you are prepared to hold your limits. State the consequence plainly here and be ready to enforce it.
Game. Changer.
There is a thin line between being emotionally available and emotionally unavailable.
Pop Tv Bb21 GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphyFor a long time, I thought just because I was a person who was open meant that I was someone who was vulnerable, and therefore since 2 plus 2 equals 4, I was also emotionally available. The answer is not quite. If you identify as a people pleaser, chances are, you are not as emotionally available as you think.
I was rudely awakened to this fact during my course that I am, in fact, emotionally unavailable. My people-pleasing shadow and my codependency shadow tell me so. But also, insecure attachment style types like fearful-avoidant (disorganized), dismissive-avoidant, and anxious tend to be emotionally unavailable to an extent as well. Where I naively believed I couldn’t possibly be codependent because I loved my alone time and independence, I realized after taking stock of what codependency can manifest as in a partnership that, it's me, I’m the problem, it’s me.
Some signs of codependency in a relationship include:
- Taking things personally
- Doing most of the emotional work in the relationship and feeling overly responsible for it
- Trying to “save” or “fix” the person you’re with
- Having a fear of or issues with abandonment
- Not being able to identify your wants or needs in the relationship
- Worrying excessively, especially about how the other person feels
- Obtaining your self-worth or self-esteem by being of service to others
- Having difficulties with setting healthy boundaries
- Internalizing someone’s upsetness or “negative” emotions as something you’ve done
- Focusing on others more than you focus on yourself
- Feeling guilty about saying “no” to others or shame about making mistakes
- Having trouble communicating your true feelings to others
- Putting yourself and your needs last
- Losing yourself
Simply put, if you’re deflecting your feelings, holding yourself back from expressing vulnerability or love, monitoring and managing the emotions and responses of your partner as a means to keep others happy over yourself, you might be emotionally unavailable. It’s impossible to be emotionally available if you are not allowing yourself to be emotionally seen and cared for in the equation of your dynamic with another person because they take up all the emotional space in your world.
Allowing my feelings to be seen has been an internal process as much as it’s been an external one, as I’ve learned to label the feelings I have, sit with them, and even acknowledge myself verbally with the statement, “I see you. I'm acknowledging you. I'm here for you.” Validating my feelings within myself has helped me in communicating them to others as well, especially when it comes to my needs getting met.
As a result of becoming more emotionally available, I have felt myself become more vulnerable. It can be a scary thing, but I now understand that I can’t have the connections in my life that I seek if I am unable to meet them as a result of not meeting myself deeply enough yet.
There is a need to affirm “This is not mine to take on” as a continued practice.
season 1 friends GIFGiphyI shed my first tears pretty early on in my one-on-one sessions with Jordan as I uncovered what it was that first led me to step into the “people pleasing” role I had given myself and had been replaying throughout relational and work dynamics in my life. It was a childhood memory that I shrugged off as it was the way it was, not realizing how much power my unintentional parentification would have on me years later.
Getting to the root of that was the first step of unlearning behaviors I picked up because I subconsciously felt like it was how I received love from other people, and it would lead me to lean on mantras like, “That’s not my job” or “This is not mine to take on” as a tool to help me navigate the discomfort I sometimes felt when detaching from other people’s thinking, their moods, or their feelings. It also showed me the subtle ways I gave my power away in work, friendships, family dynamics, and love by acting instead of being.
I am still learning how to let go of my default of overdoing, overthinking, and overanalyzing – really just absorbing anything that’s not my thoughts or my feelings. I am now practicing what it means to not anticipate responses and over-function as a means to keep myself safe. I am finding safety and security by reminding myself I don’t have to look for my sense of self in how others think and feel. I can’t control others, nor do I want to. My responsibility is me and I am safe with me.
Among the most significant lesson for me so far has been you don’t have to hide from your “shadows.” Shadow work is about understanding that in order to transcend beyond the life, expressions, and beliefs that are subconsciously playing out, you must learn them, name them, and embrace them as a means to usher in self-acceptance and, therefore, your wholeness.
Through the intentional program comprised of the steps of Awareness, Acceptance, Reprogramming, and Embodying, I’m Rihanna right now because “I feel like a brand new person.” I am still healing. And though I know healing and growth will forever be a journey, I feel like a more aware and more realized version of myself.
I feel transformed.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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