When I was introduced to shadow work outside of my work as an editor or social media introspections, it was during a conversation with a woman I met through Instagram. Over drinks during our first in-person meeting, she told me about the personal transformation she underwent as a result of enrolling in a shadow work course and said that the woman I encountered that evening would have been so different had she not done such deep inner work.
I saw it as a sign to invest in myself. 2023 for me, has been about being intentional with feeling more grounded in my sense of self. This looked like being consistent about my fitness journey for the physical and mental benefits, saying “yes” to cultivating new connections and friendships, establishing routines, and spending more quality time with myself. I didn’t realize it then, but I was experiencing a major life shift. Shadow work making its way to my path felt like a push in the right direction.
It would end up being exactly what I needed because days after my discovery call with my shadow work guide Jordan Jeppe, my relationship ended. All of this growth I’ve been ushering into this new season of life, and I didn’t think about the loss that could come with it. I was sad, but I reached a point of acceptance at the end of my relationship. I was grateful for who he was and who we were together, but I realized how complacent I had become and how tired I was of the emotional labor I carried and the over-giving I had been doing.
I took it as a sign to switch my Mariposa course with Jordan from Intro to Shadow Work: Discover Your Shadow to Celibacy: A Journey to Deeper Self-Love. Although I love myself and can say that with so much conviction and confidence, there were patterns of behaviors that, even in healthier situations, seemed to pre-determine the relationships I attracted in my life, the role I played in them, and the length of time I’d decide to stay there without much thought or consideration of how I feel and what I need.
Despite being a grown woman in her early 30s, my inner child was subconsciously controlling my narrative. To break the cycle of certain patterns that presented themselves in my work, my relationships, and with myself, my internal world needed to change if I wanted to see a change in my external world.
Little did I know that investing in Jordan’s shadow work course was one of the best gifts I could ever give myself. Amid the work of old wounds, I am finally beginning to heal, here are some of the biggest lessons I have learned so far.
There are levels to boundaries.
grace helbig beauty GIF by This Might GetGiphySocial media will have you thinking boundaries is the default card you pull when you’re faced with something, someone, a circumstance, or a request where the answer is, “Naw, I’m good.” While I’ve loved the way people have been empowered to say no whenever something is not a resounding hell yes or been able to aptly cut off and readily block people who cross a boundary, I have been relieved to learn that boundaries have levels.
Since I am aware that the way I communicate isn’t as “direct” as I sometimes like to think, I loved the idea of boundaries being a three-step process versus a “one-strike, you’re out” sort of concept it has long since been associated with in my mind.
In one of our early one-on-one coaching sessions, Jordan put me on to a color-coded system for setting boundaries, as specified in Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free:
Green Boundary: low risk, and the gentlest language. Assumes the other person wasn’t aware they were overstepping and wants to respect your limits. Your boundary language is clear, generous, and very kind. Leaves any potential consequences unsaid in the spirit of good faith. Example: "For the health of our friendship, I'd like to ask that we take a week to be no-contact. I need time to process and ask that you respect my request."
Yellow Boundary: elevated risk, and firmer language. Used as a follow-up if your green boundary isn’t respected, or if historical interactions with this person indicate the threat is higher. Yellow may also include an intended consequence, if appropriate.
Red Boundary: severe risk, and your most direct language. At this point, your health, safety, and/or relationship are in jeopardy, and your language must reflect the severity of the situation. It’s still kind, but this is their last reminder and makes it clear that you are prepared to hold your limits. State the consequence plainly here and be ready to enforce it.
Game. Changer.
There is a thin line between being emotionally available and emotionally unavailable.
Pop Tv Bb21 GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphyFor a long time, I thought just because I was a person who was open meant that I was someone who was vulnerable, and therefore since 2 plus 2 equals 4, I was also emotionally available. The answer is not quite. If you identify as a people pleaser, chances are, you are not as emotionally available as you think.
I was rudely awakened to this fact during my course that I am, in fact, emotionally unavailable. My people-pleasing shadow and my codependency shadow tell me so. But also, insecure attachment style types like fearful-avoidant (disorganized), dismissive-avoidant, and anxious tend to be emotionally unavailable to an extent as well. Where I naively believed I couldn’t possibly be codependent because I loved my alone time and independence, I realized after taking stock of what codependency can manifest as in a partnership that, it's me, I’m the problem, it’s me.
Some signs of codependency in a relationship include:
- Taking things personally
- Doing most of the emotional work in the relationship and feeling overly responsible for it
- Trying to “save” or “fix” the person you’re with
- Having a fear of or issues with abandonment
- Not being able to identify your wants or needs in the relationship
- Worrying excessively, especially about how the other person feels
- Obtaining your self-worth or self-esteem by being of service to others
- Having difficulties with setting healthy boundaries
- Internalizing someone’s upsetness or “negative” emotions as something you’ve done
- Focusing on others more than you focus on yourself
- Feeling guilty about saying “no” to others or shame about making mistakes
- Having trouble communicating your true feelings to others
- Putting yourself and your needs last
- Losing yourself
Simply put, if you’re deflecting your feelings, holding yourself back from expressing vulnerability or love, monitoring and managing the emotions and responses of your partner as a means to keep others happy over yourself, you might be emotionally unavailable. It’s impossible to be emotionally available if you are not allowing yourself to be emotionally seen and cared for in the equation of your dynamic with another person because they take up all the emotional space in your world.
Allowing my feelings to be seen has been an internal process as much as it’s been an external one, as I’ve learned to label the feelings I have, sit with them, and even acknowledge myself verbally with the statement, “I see you. I'm acknowledging you. I'm here for you.” Validating my feelings within myself has helped me in communicating them to others as well, especially when it comes to my needs getting met.
As a result of becoming more emotionally available, I have felt myself become more vulnerable. It can be a scary thing, but I now understand that I can’t have the connections in my life that I seek if I am unable to meet them as a result of not meeting myself deeply enough yet.
There is a need to affirm “This is not mine to take on” as a continued practice.
season 1 friends GIFGiphyI shed my first tears pretty early on in my one-on-one sessions with Jordan as I uncovered what it was that first led me to step into the “people pleasing” role I had given myself and had been replaying throughout relational and work dynamics in my life. It was a childhood memory that I shrugged off as it was the way it was, not realizing how much power my unintentional parentification would have on me years later.
Getting to the root of that was the first step of unlearning behaviors I picked up because I subconsciously felt like it was how I received love from other people, and it would lead me to lean on mantras like, “That’s not my job” or “This is not mine to take on” as a tool to help me navigate the discomfort I sometimes felt when detaching from other people’s thinking, their moods, or their feelings. It also showed me the subtle ways I gave my power away in work, friendships, family dynamics, and love by acting instead of being.
I am still learning how to let go of my default of overdoing, overthinking, and overanalyzing – really just absorbing anything that’s not my thoughts or my feelings. I am now practicing what it means to not anticipate responses and over-function as a means to keep myself safe. I am finding safety and security by reminding myself I don’t have to look for my sense of self in how others think and feel. I can’t control others, nor do I want to. My responsibility is me and I am safe with me.
Among the most significant lesson for me so far has been you don’t have to hide from your “shadows.” Shadow work is about understanding that in order to transcend beyond the life, expressions, and beliefs that are subconsciously playing out, you must learn them, name them, and embrace them as a means to usher in self-acceptance and, therefore, your wholeness.
Through the intentional program comprised of the steps of Awareness, Acceptance, Reprogramming, and Embodying, I’m Rihanna right now because “I feel like a brand new person.” I am still healing. And though I know healing and growth will forever be a journey, I feel like a more aware and more realized version of myself.
I feel transformed.
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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