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Ask Ayana Iman: My Workplace Feels Like The Black Version Of 'Mean Girls'
Dear Ayana Iman: I work in corporate America. I've tried to play politics and I feel like I was criticized.
I stay to myself and come in to get the job done, and then I'm criticized. If I'm not smiling, I'm criticized. If I don't speak to everyone (majority people don't speak), I'm criticized. I never point out my co-worker(s) flaws or their faults but it seems like they have no problem pointing out mine under the guise of "I'm looking out for you, how dare you not appreciate it." I've never asked them to look out. As a matter of fact, they are the ones who project attitudes towards me and I've let it slide.
I've had co-workers who've voiced the frustrations about the job to me and when I agree or slightly voice mine, now I'm called negative. The co-worker(s) are black too, around my age (mid-30s). I feel like I'm stuck in high school, it's Mean Girls, black adult version. Once, I confronted my co-worker, I was professional, she was louder so that people could hear her "going off" on me as if I'm a child, and now I feel that everyone is even weirder when dealing with me because she is manipulative. At this point, I feel like really going into my shell and not dealing with my co-workers.
Hey Girl,
The sad reality of this situation is that we all deal with forms of toxicity at work in one way or another. The silver lining: you have the power to change it. You've already recognized the issues happening at your office, from attitudes to criticisms; this is the first step towards your breakthrough. Before moving forward, my question to you is have you looked in the mirror lately? Seldom, do we recognize our own negative behaviors and become victimized by our thoughts. I want you to really think about your actions to make sure you were in alignment with the policies and positivity.
This clarity will allow you cash checks and not feelings.
Working around people of color is a privilege, especially when diversity is lacking around the country. As the great Zora Neale Hurston once said: "All my skinfolk ain't kinfolk." To make it plain, just because they're black does not mean they are automatically tribe members. A person's skin color does not determine their character. This is one of those situations. I hope you find it in you to give mutual respect as a fundamental right if nothing more. Regardless of color, no one deserves to steal your joy - don't give them your power.
Here are a few survival tips:
Embrace Emotional Intelligence
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Emotional Intelligence (EQ) measures your capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. It is the key to both personal and professional success. This skill will allow you to manage how you react to situations, as well as, influence others. Some additional ways to increase your EQ is to pause before talking, control your thoughts, embrace criticism, apologize, and give praise to others. Increasing this skill will help you navigate uncomfortable situations by acknowledging not everyone has the mental capacity to do the same.
Affirmations + Self-Care
Your personal space should reflect beauty to promote peace and love. If you have not done this already, spend some time decorating your cubicle or working environment. I personally love affirmations - positive words for change - and think placing them around you could enhance your mood for the better. Affirmations can affirm your self, your job, and the people around you. Ex. I accept responsibility for my own happiness and development.
Also, fresh flowers are great for scent and visuals. Various studies have shown that flowers can improve a person's memory and make them concentrate a lot better in the workplace; buy yourself a small bouquet or indoor plants to place on your desk.
Find Gratitude
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I know it can be tough, but it's worth it to find gratitude for your current place of employment. Gratitude is the ultimate sign of abundance and the more you pay homage to it, the more you receive. This starts with changing your thinking and being appreciative of receiving a paycheck in exchange for your time, or for the clarity you've acquired that you deserve more out of your professional career. Whatever it is, there's value.
"Gratitude is the ultimate sign of abundance and the more you pay homage to it, the more you receive."
Look For New Employment
If you think you've exhausted all possibilities, then it's time to look for employment elsewhere. Use your free time to refresh your resume and network. This is the best time to visualize your next role, the company culture, and benefits. Vision boards are a great way to implement these goals in a tangible productive way.
Just remember, it is not enough to write the vision. Affirmations without action produce no results. Carry that with you and you'll go far.
With Love,
Ayana Iman xx
Featured image by Getty Images
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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