

Why We Love Men Who Are Absolutely No Good For Us
"'Cause he is the truth/Said he is so real/And, I love the way that he makes me feel/And, if I am a reflection of him/Then I must be fly, because his light, it shines so bright/I wouldn't lie, no"—"The Truth", India.Arie
I already know. Some of y'all probably read the title of this article, then looked at the India.Arie song lyrics and automatically thought that I am totally contradicting myself. That's fair. I'm not, though. The reason why "The Truth"—a song that continues to be one of my favorite songs ever—is totally applicable here is because time, life experience and actually reading song lyrics have taught me very valuable lesson when it comes to matters of the heart. Two actually. One, when a song totally stirs your soul, it's trying to tell you something. Two, when it happens to be a song about love—real, lasting and healthy love—it's a good idea to measure your feelings for and/or relationship with someone, just to see if what you're in measures up to what you hear.
He is the truth. Truth is "a verified or indisputable fact". The Bible also tells us that the truth will set us free (John 8:31-32). He is so real. Real is true. I love the way that he makes me feel. Love is warmth, gratitude and affection (for starters). You are a reflection of his flyness because his light shines brightly. Light illuminates. When something illuminates, it's made crystal clear.
Ladies, thank India for this song because if your man does all of this, he's good for you. If he doesn't, well, based on the breakdown, it kinda looks like you're lovin'—and by default, living—a lie. A lie is false. A lie deceives. A lie also misrepresents, distorts and even invents when necessary. A lie is dangerous. So, why do so many of us choose to love a lie? Why do we keep loving a man who ultimately isn't good for us?
Let's dig into some other truths surrounding these very questions, shall we?
Childhood PTSD
Something that my mother used to say fairly often is, "Mothers mentor daughters and nurture sons while fathers mentor sons and nurture daughters." It's for this reason and, oh, about a billion more, that I never signed on to the whole "I'm the mommy and daddy" declaration that a lot of single parents tend to make. You might be a phenomenal mom or dad, but you can never fill the void that the opposite sex parent was designed to take full responsibility for your—and their—child's life.
I know this in my own world because, while I had a pretty good relationship with my late father, he still lived in another state. His total disdain for my mother and some of his other family members resulted in him never coming to where I lived (not for a graduation or anything else) and me always going to him. You know what that taught me? That in order to be in a relationship with a man, I had to do most of the initiating. Also, because my dad was an on-again-off-again substance abuser all of my life, that taught me that I was to be the hero to men. Shoot, I'm just now realizing that my father's influence was so impacting that it influenced me to do most of the work and "save men" for most of my adulthood too.
So yeah, if you're wondering why you keep selecting men who aren't the best for you, I'd start with your childhood and adolescent years. What did your parents—both parents—model to you that is still playing out, even now?
By the way, this happens to men as well. A Black guy that I know claims to be so in love with his mom, but he never dates Black women. When I challenged him to unpack why, he realized he holds some resentment towards his mom for not protecting him better while growing up. As a direct result, he doesn't trust Black women much. Childhood PTSD is a beast, y'all. Never underestimate it.
(Some good reads to check out on the topic include "Some Early Childhood Experiences Shape Adult Life, But Which Ones?", "8 Early Childhood Experiences That Continue to Affect You Even in Adulthood", "How Does Childhood Trauma Affect Adulthood?", "Effects of Divorce on Children's Future Relationships" and "6 Ways That a Rough Childhood Can Affect Adult Relationships".)
We’re Not Good to Ourselves
Whenever I'm in a counseling session, there is nothing like looking over at a woman who, I can tell, totally got into her relationship because she wanted a man to treat her better than she treated herself before meeting him. That's toxic on a lot of levels. One, if he does, you could set yourself up to make him an idol in your life which could cause you to darn near worship him; that's super unhealthy, but so is the pressure that idolizing someone does to them. Another problem with this way of thinking is, based on how low your self-esteem may be, he might only have to do a smidgen more than what you've been doing all along and, somehow, you'll think that it's wonderful. As I tell people often, "Don't mistake a 'C' for an 'A' simply because you've been used to an 'F' all this time." Another challenge is you'll start to let him define what your standards and expectations should be. I mean, since yours are already so low…why not?
A lot of us get mad at men for not treating us well without taking the time to look within and ask ourselves if we were treating our own selves any better prior to their arrival.
Hmph. If some of us were truly honest with ourselves, we'd have to say "no" because if we honored ourselves like we should, "he" would've never gotten our number, let alone our love. And that's real.
We Mistake Hope for Love
If you want to pass the offering plate around for me one time on this point, I'll happily send you my PayPal link. No question, I've got plenty of heart scars to co-sign on this particular point. Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I've been to a wedding and heard The Love Chapter in the Bible (I Corinthians 13). While the bride and groom are looking lovingly into one another's eyes while running down the list of all of the things that love is (patient, kind, etc.), it's the "IS" that I wish was given the most emphasis. Not love "could be" or "should be"; is means that it's happening right now.
Ready? Something that love and hope have in common is they are positive and assuring emotions. Still, they are not one in the same; not by a long shot. When someone loves us, there's a true friendship there. When someone loves us, they are warm and affectionate towards us (not some of the time; consistently so). When someone loves us, they are nurturing and faithful.
And, if a man is as in love with us as we are with him, he's not gonna let us get away.
Unfortunately, a part of the reason why some of us fall for men who aren't good for us is because we mistake the feeling that hope provides with love. Well, let me back up a bit. First, a lot of us don't know what hope means, but if we do, we mistake it for love. Hope doesn't just mean that we can have what we want. Hope also means that if things don't go our way, they will still work out for the best. Working out for our best doesn't always or necessarily mean that it will go the way we want it to or think it should.
So yeah, if you love a man and you're hoping that he loves you too, sometimes that hope can be so overpowering that it makes you needy; you're so focused on believing that you can have him—whether now or someday—that you're not even paying attention to the clear signs that he doesn't truly love you. He may like you a lot or enjoy the time (or sex) that you have together, but he's not in love. Not even close. Hoping that he will doesn't mean it's gonna go your way either. Sometimes, the best thing to do is let him go and hope—meaning trust—that things will work out for the best. Even if that means being without him.
We Confuse Potential with Reality
Let me first say that I don't knock potential. Back in my 20s, I showed a lot of potential that I would become the woman that I am today. However, hindsight wisdom has also revealed to me that the things that I wanted back then? I wasn't good for them, and they weren't good for me. Why? Because I wasn't a healthier and more mature individual at the time. I was the literal definition of potential—"possible, as opposed to actual".
It is an epidemic, the amount of people who put up with more crap than they ever should in their relationship with someone because they think that possible is actual. I've dated men who could possibly become emotionally available but at the time we were together, they actually weren't. I've dated men who possibly would spiritually elevate but at the time we were together, they actually weren't. I've been head over heels about men who would possibly propose, but actually didn't. And while I was sitting over here waiting on a possibly to turn into an actually, time was melting away.
Out of all of the things that you have to offer, time is one of the most precious. In part, because it is something that you can never truly get back.
Sometimes a man is no good for us, for no other reason than they have absolutely no problem staying parked at what could potentially happen while totally wasting our time in the process. We have to own our part in that, but a guy who knows this and doesn't care? He ultimately means us no good.
Love Is Drawn to the “Unlovable”
My final point is one that I personally think doesn't get the credit that it deserves. A wise person once said, "Real love is knowing someone's weaknesses and not taking advantage of them. It's knowing their flaws and accepting who they are." Amen.
The people who have truly loved me, they have seen me at my worst and loved me through it. They've done that because two things that love is designed to do is support and heal. If someone didn't need those two things, love wouldn't be as impactful in their lives. And so, sometimes we love men who are no good for us because love is drawn to want to help others. But here's the kicker—self-love knows that we should help those who want to be helped.
I liken it to a stray dog. When you see one all skinny and starving, if you've got any kind of sympathy at all, there's probably a part of you that wants to help s/he out. Problem is, some dogs have been hurt or abandoned for so long that they can't decipher good help when they see it. So, rather than letting you pet or feed them, they go on the attack instead.
I am the kind of woman who actually loathes when women refer to men as dogs (I'm not big on us referring to ourselves as "bitches" either; somebody cue in Queen Latifah's "U.N.I.T.Y", please); however, the analogy is fitting. Some of us love men who aren't any good for us, not because we are in a broken state, but because we are compassionate. At the same time, just like a dog will show signs that he doesn't want to be helped, men tend to show red flags too. He'll talk crazy on a date. He'll be a bona fide narcissist. He may be a commitment-phobe or show signs of some of the current dating no-no trends. His relationships with others may suck. Or your relationship with him may be going absolutely nowhere.
The thing about compassion is it's not designed to be forced on someone or something; it's available to those who embrace it. Love is for the unlovable, but when you are getting attacked (or dismissed) for giving it, that's when you're headed towards abuse—abuse from them and, should you stay, self-abuse too. There ain't nothin' loving about that.
Are these all of the reasons why we love men who are not good for us? No. But I'm hoping that if you listen to India.Arie's song, read over these (again) and then reflect, you may see why you've done it in the past or, if you're currently doing it, why you deserve so much better.
Because the song "The Truth" also said, "There ain't no substitute for the truth/Either it is or isn't/You see the truth, it needs no proof/Either it is or it isn't /And, you know the truth by the way it feels, Lord". And that? That'll preach a billion sermons and save a ton of lives, if we just take it all in.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
Feature image by Giphy.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
There are moments on our health journey when our bodies are bugging us to hit the reset button.
With life, we can start to see slips in our diet, irregular exercising, and inconsistent sleep schedules, and our mental health can suffer because of it. But what many people come to find is that with just a few adjustments — as opposed to restrictions — being made to their food intake, we can see a focus more on eating “the right” calories and less on being on a restrictive diet.
"Raw Till 4" is a dietary concept and lifestyle associated with the raw vegan and high-carb, low-fat vegan (HCLF) movements. Created by Australian blogger and YouTube star known as 'Freelee the Banana Girl', the method suggests eating raw, uncooked plant-based foods until 4 p.m. each day and then having a cooked, vegan meal in the evening.
The Raw Till 4 lifestyle follows the guidelines of vegan and rawist eating and involves consuming fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and sprouted grains in an uncooked, natural state until the designated time of 4 p.m. or around one’s typical dinner time. After 4 p.m., a cooked vegan meal is consumed, which may include foods like steamed vegetables, grains, legumes, and plant-based sources of protein like tofu or tempeh.
On TikTok, creator Adina Yaffa is repopularizing the trend, sharing how it’s helped to improve digestion, boost energy levels, and support weight loss.
@adinayaffa Replying to @🌜kat🌛 here is what I eat in a day on a raw till 4 lifestyle. I eat with the sun and according to the circadian rhythm that out bodies follow on a typical day. Where i drink liquids during the first 8 hours, then juicy fruits, then smoothies, more dense building fats, proteins and veggies! #snatchedwaist #bellyfat #bellybloat #smallwaist #hourglass #rawtill4
“During the hours of 4 a.m. and 8 a.m., your body is in an elimination phase and needs all the help it can get,” Yaffa says in the clip. “So what you’re going to do is drink coconut water, citrus juices, and green juices during this time, and around 8 a.m., you can break your fast with some fruit. I suggest juicing fruits, and then after that, I suggest having a smoothie or a bowl with berries and granola so you can get your fats and healthy proteins in.”
@adinayaffa Raw till 4 has so many benefits including better digestion, nutrients, belly fat and bloat elimination, snatched waist, more energy and so much more! #snatchedwaist #bellyfat #bellybloat #smallwaist #hourglass
On the official Raw Till 4 website, Freelee the Banana Girl shares tips on how to get the best outcomes of this lifestyle change, which include:
- “Stay hydrated! You should pee about 8-12 times per day, and your urine should be clear. Drink 1 liter of water when you wake up in the morning, and 1 liter of water about 30 minutes before each meal for optimal results.”
- “Fragmented sodium (salt) should be kept to a minimum. Use herbs, lemon juice, etc. wherever possible in place of salt.”
- “Eat unlimited calories at every meal, no restriction. The majority of your calories each day should come from fruit. Don’t under-eat on fruit during the day or 'save up' your calories for dinner time. RT4 is about abundance at every meal.”
- “Move your body daily. Find an activity you love and make it your playful exercise.”
- “Make sure to get lots of rest, relaxation, and good sleep. Learning to incorporate good rest, early nights, and regular sleeping patterns into your life will greatly improve your overall health.”
- “Practice gratitude and peaceful emotions at mealtime, and get a vision book started! Be sure to enjoy this journey. Focus on long-term health instead of short-term results.”
Critics argue that it can be challenging to get all the necessary nutrients from a raw vegan diet and that it may not be suitable for everyone, especially over the long term.
As with any diet, it's important to consult with a healthcare professional or registered dietitian before making significant dietary changes to ensure that it meets your individual nutritional needs and health goals.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FreshSplash/Getty Images