

"'Cause he is the truth/Said he is so real/And, I love the way that he makes me feel/And, if I am a reflection of him/Then I must be fly, because his light, it shines so bright/I wouldn't lie, no"—"The Truth", India.Arie
I already know. Some of y'all probably read the title of this article, then looked at the India.Arie song lyrics and automatically thought that I am totally contradicting myself. That's fair. I'm not, though. The reason why "The Truth"—a song that continues to be one of my favorite songs ever—is totally applicable here is because time, life experience and actually reading song lyrics have taught me very valuable lesson when it comes to matters of the heart. Two actually. One, when a song totally stirs your soul, it's trying to tell you something. Two, when it happens to be a song about love—real, lasting and healthy love—it's a good idea to measure your feelings for and/or relationship with someone, just to see if what you're in measures up to what you hear.
He is the truth. Truth is "a verified or indisputable fact". The Bible also tells us that the truth will set us free (John 8:31-32). He is so real. Real is true. I love the way that he makes me feel. Love is warmth, gratitude and affection (for starters). You are a reflection of his flyness because his light shines brightly. Light illuminates. When something illuminates, it's made crystal clear.
Ladies, thank India for this song because if your man does all of this, he's good for you. If he doesn't, well, based on the breakdown, it kinda looks like you're lovin'—and by default, living—a lie. A lie is false. A lie deceives. A lie also misrepresents, distorts and even invents when necessary. A lie is dangerous. So, why do so many of us choose to love a lie? Why do we keep loving a man who ultimately isn't good for us?
Let's dig into some other truths surrounding these very questions, shall we?
Childhood PTSD
Something that my mother used to say fairly often is, "Mothers mentor daughters and nurture sons while fathers mentor sons and nurture daughters." It's for this reason and, oh, about a billion more, that I never signed on to the whole "I'm the mommy and daddy" declaration that a lot of single parents tend to make. You might be a phenomenal mom or dad, but you can never fill the void that the opposite sex parent was designed to take full responsibility for your—and their—child's life.
I know this in my own world because, while I had a pretty good relationship with my late father, he still lived in another state. His total disdain for my mother and some of his other family members resulted in him never coming to where I lived (not for a graduation or anything else) and me always going to him. You know what that taught me? That in order to be in a relationship with a man, I had to do most of the initiating. Also, because my dad was an on-again-off-again substance abuser all of my life, that taught me that I was to be the hero to men. Shoot, I'm just now realizing that my father's influence was so impacting that it influenced me to do most of the work and "save men" for most of my adulthood too.
So yeah, if you're wondering why you keep selecting men who aren't the best for you, I'd start with your childhood and adolescent years. What did your parents—both parents—model to you that is still playing out, even now?
By the way, this happens to men as well. A Black guy that I know claims to be so in love with his mom, but he never dates Black women. When I challenged him to unpack why, he realized he holds some resentment towards his mom for not protecting him better while growing up. As a direct result, he doesn't trust Black women much. Childhood PTSD is a beast, y'all. Never underestimate it.
(Some good reads to check out on the topic include "Some Early Childhood Experiences Shape Adult Life, But Which Ones?", "8 Early Childhood Experiences That Continue to Affect You Even in Adulthood", "How Does Childhood Trauma Affect Adulthood?", "Effects of Divorce on Children's Future Relationships" and "6 Ways That a Rough Childhood Can Affect Adult Relationships".)
We’re Not Good to Ourselves
Whenever I'm in a counseling session, there is nothing like looking over at a woman who, I can tell, totally got into her relationship because she wanted a man to treat her better than she treated herself before meeting him. That's toxic on a lot of levels. One, if he does, you could set yourself up to make him an idol in your life which could cause you to darn near worship him; that's super unhealthy, but so is the pressure that idolizing someone does to them. Another problem with this way of thinking is, based on how low your self-esteem may be, he might only have to do a smidgen more than what you've been doing all along and, somehow, you'll think that it's wonderful. As I tell people often, "Don't mistake a 'C' for an 'A' simply because you've been used to an 'F' all this time." Another challenge is you'll start to let him define what your standards and expectations should be. I mean, since yours are already so low…why not?
A lot of us get mad at men for not treating us well without taking the time to look within and ask ourselves if we were treating our own selves any better prior to their arrival.
Hmph. If some of us were truly honest with ourselves, we'd have to say "no" because if we honored ourselves like we should, "he" would've never gotten our number, let alone our love. And that's real.
We Mistake Hope for Love
If you want to pass the offering plate around for me one time on this point, I'll happily send you my PayPal link. No question, I've got plenty of heart scars to co-sign on this particular point. Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I've been to a wedding and heard The Love Chapter in the Bible (I Corinthians 13). While the bride and groom are looking lovingly into one another's eyes while running down the list of all of the things that love is (patient, kind, etc.), it's the "IS" that I wish was given the most emphasis. Not love "could be" or "should be"; is means that it's happening right now.
Ready? Something that love and hope have in common is they are positive and assuring emotions. Still, they are not one in the same; not by a long shot. When someone loves us, there's a true friendship there. When someone loves us, they are warm and affectionate towards us (not some of the time; consistently so). When someone loves us, they are nurturing and faithful.
And, if a man is as in love with us as we are with him, he's not gonna let us get away.
Unfortunately, a part of the reason why some of us fall for men who aren't good for us is because we mistake the feeling that hope provides with love. Well, let me back up a bit. First, a lot of us don't know what hope means, but if we do, we mistake it for love. Hope doesn't just mean that we can have what we want. Hope also means that if things don't go our way, they will still work out for the best. Working out for our best doesn't always or necessarily mean that it will go the way we want it to or think it should.
So yeah, if you love a man and you're hoping that he loves you too, sometimes that hope can be so overpowering that it makes you needy; you're so focused on believing that you can have him—whether now or someday—that you're not even paying attention to the clear signs that he doesn't truly love you. He may like you a lot or enjoy the time (or sex) that you have together, but he's not in love. Not even close. Hoping that he will doesn't mean it's gonna go your way either. Sometimes, the best thing to do is let him go and hope—meaning trust—that things will work out for the best. Even if that means being without him.
We Confuse Potential with Reality
Let me first say that I don't knock potential. Back in my 20s, I showed a lot of potential that I would become the woman that I am today. However, hindsight wisdom has also revealed to me that the things that I wanted back then? I wasn't good for them, and they weren't good for me. Why? Because I wasn't a healthier and more mature individual at the time. I was the literal definition of potential—"possible, as opposed to actual".
It is an epidemic, the amount of people who put up with more crap than they ever should in their relationship with someone because they think that possible is actual. I've dated men who could possibly become emotionally available but at the time we were together, they actually weren't. I've dated men who possibly would spiritually elevate but at the time we were together, they actually weren't. I've been head over heels about men who would possibly propose, but actually didn't. And while I was sitting over here waiting on a possibly to turn into an actually, time was melting away.
Out of all of the things that you have to offer, time is one of the most precious. In part, because it is something that you can never truly get back.
Sometimes a man is no good for us, for no other reason than they have absolutely no problem staying parked at what could potentially happen while totally wasting our time in the process. We have to own our part in that, but a guy who knows this and doesn't care? He ultimately means us no good.
Love Is Drawn to the “Unlovable”
My final point is one that I personally think doesn't get the credit that it deserves. A wise person once said, "Real love is knowing someone's weaknesses and not taking advantage of them. It's knowing their flaws and accepting who they are." Amen.
The people who have truly loved me, they have seen me at my worst and loved me through it. They've done that because two things that love is designed to do is support and heal. If someone didn't need those two things, love wouldn't be as impactful in their lives. And so, sometimes we love men who are no good for us because love is drawn to want to help others. But here's the kicker—self-love knows that we should help those who want to be helped.
I liken it to a stray dog. When you see one all skinny and starving, if you've got any kind of sympathy at all, there's probably a part of you that wants to help s/he out. Problem is, some dogs have been hurt or abandoned for so long that they can't decipher good help when they see it. So, rather than letting you pet or feed them, they go on the attack instead.
I am the kind of woman who actually loathes when women refer to men as dogs (I'm not big on us referring to ourselves as "bitches" either; somebody cue in Queen Latifah's "U.N.I.T.Y", please); however, the analogy is fitting. Some of us love men who aren't any good for us, not because we are in a broken state, but because we are compassionate. At the same time, just like a dog will show signs that he doesn't want to be helped, men tend to show red flags too. He'll talk crazy on a date. He'll be a bona fide narcissist. He may be a commitment-phobe or show signs of some of the current dating no-no trends. His relationships with others may suck. Or your relationship with him may be going absolutely nowhere.
The thing about compassion is it's not designed to be forced on someone or something; it's available to those who embrace it. Love is for the unlovable, but when you are getting attacked (or dismissed) for giving it, that's when you're headed towards abuse—abuse from them and, should you stay, self-abuse too. There ain't nothin' loving about that.
Are these all of the reasons why we love men who are not good for us? No. But I'm hoping that if you listen to India.Arie's song, read over these (again) and then reflect, you may see why you've done it in the past or, if you're currently doing it, why you deserve so much better.
Because the song "The Truth" also said, "There ain't no substitute for the truth/Either it is or isn't/You see the truth, it needs no proof/Either it is or it isn't /And, you know the truth by the way it feels, Lord". And that? That'll preach a billion sermons and save a ton of lives, if we just take it all in.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Relationship Timeline
Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe are one of our favorite Hollywood couples. We can't get over their adorable moments together on the red carpet and on social media. While they're both from St. Louis, they didn't meet until college, which they both attended Stanford. And the rest is as they say, history. Read below as we dive into their decades-long relationship.
Mid to Late1990s: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Meet
Sterling and Ryan met as freshmen at Stanford University. "We were in the same dorm freshman year...that's kind of how we met," Ryan said in an interview with ET. "I was mesmerized," she said after watching him audition for the school play, Joe Turner's Come and Gone. Sterling revealed that The First Wives Club star was dating someone else, so they started off as friends.
"She got cast in the play as well, and we would ride bikes to rehearsal, and we would just talk. We found out that we were both from St. Louis. We didn't know that we were both from St. Louis, like, our parents went to rival high schools. We were born in the same hospital. Like, we were friends," he said.
The first few years of their relationship involved many breakups and makeups. However, they ended up graduating and attended NYU's Tisch Grad Acting Program together.
Early 2000s: Sterling K. Brown Tells Ryan Michelle Bathe She's 'The Love Of My Life'
The Paradise star opened up about telling Ryan that she was the one. "We broke up for three and a half years before we came back into each other's lives," he said. "She was on the treadmill working out, and I had this epiphany, 'I have to go tell this woman she's the love of my life.'"
"I go to her apartment, I tell her, and she's like, 'Well, I'm working out right now,' and I was like, 'No, I can see that—I'll just talk to you while you're on the treadmill,' and she's like, 'Well, I feel like going outside. So I'm gonna go on a run,'" he continued. "So I'm like dressed [in a suit], and she starts running through Koreatown, and I start running along with her. Brother had to work, but it was well worthwhile."
2006: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Tie The Knot
The St. Louis natives eloped in 2006 and a year later held a larger ceremony. According to the bride, the best part of their wedding was the food. "The best thing about it was the food," she told ET.
"Can I just say, sometimes you go to weddings, and you get the winner-winner chicken dinner and you're like, 'I pay. OK, it's fine.' But I wanted people to remember their experience -- their culinary experience. So I was happy about that. The food was good."
2011: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Welcome Their First Child
In 2011, Sterling and The Endgame actress welcomed their first son, Andrew. In a 2017 tweet, Sterling revealed they had a home birth. "An unexpected home delivery is something my wife and I went through ourselves with our first born, so this was round 2 for me!" he wrote while referring to a scene involving his character Randall, in This Is Us.
2012: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Appear On-screen Together
A year later, the couple acted together on the Lifetime series Army Wives.
2015: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Welcome Their Second Child
In 2015, Sterling and Ryan welcomed another son, Amaré. Sterling shared an Instagram post about their latest addition to the family. "1st post. 2nd child. All good! #imoninstagram," the Atlas star wrote.
2016: Ryan Michelle Bathe Joins Sterling K. Brown On 'This Is Us'
Ryan guest appears on her hubby's show, This Is Us.
Sterling K. Brown Reveals Ryan Michelle Bathe's Mother Didn't Like Him At First
During their sit-down interview for the Black Love series, Sterling revealed that Ryan's mother wasn't a fan of him, which caused friction in their relationship.
2024: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Explain How Jennifer Lopez Once Broke Them Up
While visiting The Jennifer Hudson Show, Sterling and Ryan share their hilarious Jennifer Lopez break-up story. "We had just gone out, we were living in New York City, we were in grad school, and we had gone to see a Broadway play and we came back to my place and my roommate was playing the ["Love Don't Cost A Thing"] video on MTV," Sterling said.
"Now I'm a fan of Jennifer Lopez's dancing, and I was watching the video and I knew my young...21, 22-year-old girlfriend was looking at me watch the video. And I know I'm not supposed to have a reaction. In trying NOT to have a reaction, what had happened was, my eyes began to water."
Ryan jumped in, "Otherwise known as, TEARS! I turn around and my boyfriend is weeping, tears like big fat [tears]. And I'm looking and she's just a shakin' and a shimming, and he's just crying. I said 'Oh no, I got to go.' "
2024: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Launch Their Podcast, We Don't Always Agree
The couple launched their podcast, We Don't Always Agree, where they disclose more intimate details about their love story.
Feature image by Chelsea Lauren/Shutterstock