
oral sex
To this day, folks will debate that one of my favorite songs by the R&B group SWV, “Rain” is about sex even though Coko has made it clear that it’s not. Now another one of their classics, “Downtown”? That’s about the matter entirely. In fact, some hail it as being one of the most sex-positive songs of its time when it comes to — we’re all grown here, right? — cunnilingus. Its praise makes a lot of sense being that it is the act that helps women climax the most.
You know, I did some reading up on oral sex in this country, in general. It looks like around 80 percent of both men and women experience pleasure from it, around 22 percent have an orgasm most of the time (that’s it?!) and most sexually active folks who choose to partake in fellatio and/or cunnilingus do it around five times a week. Yeah, oral sex is bomb and most of us know it.
So, what if you happen to be like a married girlfriend of mine who could literally take it or leave it? It’s not that you haven’t tried to understand the hype; it’s just that, no matter how much you’ve tried to get into it, you just…don’t.
If you’re shaking your head up and down at your monitor or phone screen because this is exactly how you feel, oftentimes getting to the root of an issue can help to resolve it. So, let’s explore some reasons why either you’d prefer not to have oral sex or you’re not enjoying as much as so much of the free world seems to be.
You’re Not Comfortable with Your Vulva/Vagina
I recently saw an exchange on Twitter that was like the checkmate shot that was heard around the world. Someone had posted a clip of a woman talking about how disgusting she found uncircumcised men to be. One of the things she said was, “Eww. Who wants to deal with all of that extra skin?” Most of the women in the comments were all agreeing and then a guy posted a chart of different vaginas — many of which had all kinds of hanging vulvar skin (where do y’all think the slang “roast beef curtains” comes from?). Like I said…checkmate (by the way, women have a greater chance of experiencing a vaginal orgasm from an “uncut” man due to the extra skin…the more you know).
Anyway, my (main) point is this — no one should feel ashamed of how they were born…men and you included. Besides, I promise you that most men don’t have the same kind of hang-ups about our bodies as we do. In fact, many guys will tell you that they’re even a fan of Arby’s (if you know what I mean).
So, what can you do if you are so self-conscious about your vagina that it’s keeping you from relaxing during oral activity? A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey.” Check it out when you get a chance. The more time you spend exploring your own vagina, the more comfortable you will get with it — and that will make it easier to share it with your partner. Maybe not immediately but certainly eventually.
You Haven’t “Prepped” Your Vagina Properly
Seems like a few throwback memories are coming to mind with this topic (LOL). Y’all remember the episode of The Game when Tasha Mack was telling her then-boyfriend Danté Young (played by Terrence J) that she enjoyed having sex with him right when he got off work and before he hopped into the shower? Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me. If you want me to enjoy all (and I do mean ALL) of you, make sure that bathtub does first.
Most of the men I know feel the same way; however, this particular point isn’t just about hygiene (check out “Are You Washing Your Vagina Correctly? You Sure?” and “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”). Vaginal prepping also includes deciding how you want your pubic hair to be (also check out “Yep. Pubic Hair Has Trends (And Specific Needs) Too.”) and consuming a diet that keeps everything fresh down below (a couple more: “Foods That Keep Your Vagina Smelling Right (And The Ones That Don’t)” and “10 Ways To Have An 'Extra Sweet' Vagina”).
By the way, when it comes to vaginal grooming, if you’re in a long-term relationship, you might want to discuss that with your partner. The reason why I say that is I once counseled a married couple where the husband said that he didn’t enjoy being on the giving side of oral because — and I quote — “I prefer a golf course to a jungle.”
Listen, I know some of you modern-day women don’t wanna think too long about doing what makes your partner happy when it comes to your own body but being that his face is gonna get closer to your vulva and vagina than you ever will (unless you’re one hell of a contortionist!), it’s worth making the compromise. Just ask the wife in the story that I just told you. #wink
The Foreplay Sucks (Not in a Good Way Either)
As far as oral sex is concerned, it’s interesting to see where people land on whether they consider it to be foreplay — or not. On one hand, a basic definition of foreplay is it’s any kind of sexual stimulation that is a prelude to sexual intercourse. On another, oral sex does have the word “sex” in it, so…yeah…technically, it is a form of sex.
Personally, I think that before oral sex — giving or receiving — starts, there should be some other forms of stimulation going on: lots of kissing, plenty of caressing, maybe a massage…other things to get you warmed up. Otherwise, if oral sex happens right out the gate, it can seem awkward instead of seductive and that can make climaxing more difficult.
So, what if the main issue for you is the foreplay is lacking or not as good as you’d like it to be? At the end of the day, sex is one of the ultimate forms of communication, so make sure to run that by your partner. Well, wait — before you do, read “What If The Sex Is Good...But The Foreplay Isn't?” and also do some sex journaling so that you can figure out what turns you on and what doesn’t…so that you can clearly express your needs and expectations to your partner. After all, it’s not fair to expect him to figure out what you don’t even know. Work on improving foreplay — together.
You Need to Up Your Dirty Talk Game
Maybe it’s because my top love language is words of affirmation. Maybe it’s because I write for a living. Who knows, chile? But when it comes to dirty talk, it’s not really something that I’ve struggled with saying or hearing. In fact, it’s one of my favorite things about sex.
I know we’re not all the same because many of my clients have told me that either they hate dirty talk or they feel semi-ridiculous doing it. I can’t do much for the people who stand behind Door #1 but if you’re someone who’s behind Door #2, my two cents would be to 1) stop overthinking it and 2) focus on telling your partner what pleases you, how much it pleases you when they do “it” and what you’d like to receive more of. The key is to not sound like an anxious drill sergeant and instead like…the main character (Lovely) from the movieGirl 6 (the real ones know).
Yes, dirty talk can consist of a mixture of instructions and affirmations. The good thing about that is, oftentimes, it can help your partner to know how to please you and it can sexually excite you to hear your own self tell him how. Trust me.
You Don’t Enjoy Giving It
Unpopular opinion or not, I’ve always said that I think that men have more to deal with during cunnilingus than we do with fellatio. I mean, unless he’s heavy on the pre-ejaculate, giving oral sex to a guy is basically like sucking on a thumb until the “big moment” at the end. Us though? Folds of skin. Lubrication. Pubic hair. Vaginal scents (when a vagina is healthy, most men fully enjoy our natural “aroma,” by the way). As I said…lots going on.
That’s why, when women give me the “eww” about a penis being in their mouth while also holding the stance that a man not going down on them is a deal-breaker, I find myself rolling my eyes. At the very least, that’s an entitled and selfish approach to the act.
So, what can you do if it’s simply not your cup of tea? Before totally avoiding it, try doing some things that will “distract” you a bit — put a flavored condom on it or apply some flavored lube. Play around with an ice cube that’s made of juice (literally freeze the juice and then put one of the cubes into your mouth). Bring your hands into the act, so that you can control how much of his shaft goes into your mouth. Oh, and before all of this, get into the shower with your partner. Chances are, if you play a direct role in the cleanliness part of the program, it will put your mind more at ease.
You Don’t Enjoy Receiving It
The wife that I mentioned to you earlier? She said that out of all of her sex partners (including her husband and it hasn’t only been a handful), only one guy was able to get cunnilingus right. Problem is, she can’t remember what he actually did “correctly,” so she hasn’t been able to coach anyone else through the process. *le sigh*
It’s not unheard of that some people don’t enjoy cunnilingus and/or fellatio. If you and your partner fall into one of those categories and are fine with that…fine. But if you don’t enjoy receiving oral sex and it’s not for a lack of trying, this is where communication comes into play. Don’t just settle for how your partner does it, get frustrated and quit. If he truly cares about you, he’s going to want to please you. So, light some scented soy candles, play some of your favorite throwback R&B music, put a pillow underneath your backside, and RELAX. Start things off slow. Kindly express what feels good and what doesn’t and don’t look at the experience like a race to the finish.
Also, don’t feel bad if you’re not automatically climbing the walls either. Although clitorises are highly sensitive, “waking them up” requires different techniques for different people. Something that may help (outside of his mouth) is a stimulating type of lube — one that is specifically designed to get your clit up and going (like this one here).
You know what they say — if you build it, they will come. In this case, here’s hoping that you will, sis.
You and Your Partner Don’t Have a Strong Enough Connection
There’s a lot to be said for sexual chemistry when it comes to achieving ultimate sexual pleasure — and that can happen well before you and someone get naked. You’re deeply attracted to each other. The body language is strong. When you do talk about sex, you seem to be on the same page (of interests and desires). If you add to that the feeling of being fully accepted and to that, being able to trust them to just…let go without any hindrance or reservations — that is the perfect foundation for some pretty great oral sex and intercourse.
See, even with all that I just said, it’s not really going to matter much if the two of you don’t have a strong connection — whether it’s physically or (preferably) holistically. So, if all of what I said doesn’t seem to work, take some steps back, so that you and he can get deeper into each other. Go on more dates. Do some more sharing with each other on a mental and emotional level. Kiss — long and passionately — to see if there is some serious stimulation there.
Two people who feel like they can’t get enough of each other before sex happens are two people who have a far greater chance of helping each other “see the mountaintop” once sex does go down. Oral sex included.
Now calm down and have some fun! I mean it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Vladimir Vladimirov/Getty Images
The most enjoyable part of sex for me is getting my pussy ate. It’s a widely known fact that eating pussy is the most reliable way to make a person with a vulva orgasm. According to a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, only 18% of vulva owners can orgasm solely through penetration. To climax, the rest need clitoral stimulation, and eating pussy puts the clitoris in the spotlight.
But what if the person you're with doesn't know what they're doing down there? Like with any sexual act, eating pussy can be taught. From incorporating toys to trying different positions, to using your tongue in unique ways, there are many examples of how to improve your oral sex technique. However, I believe the best tips for eating pussies come from people who have them.
So I asked around for tips from real women on how to have amazing cunnilingus. This is what the women I talked to had to say.
1. "Start slowly unless I indicate otherwise."
2. "Oral health matters. I have patients who frequently have yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis because their partners have terrible oral care."
3. "Eat it like a very ripe mango (like when it’s a 'lil mushy) but more softly and only with your lips and tongue."
4. "Lift the [clitoral] hood! Start slow, don’t be too aggressive. The clitoris [says] please and thank you."
5. "Don't go straight for the clitoris. Warm her up. Kiss the lips like they are on her face; lots of tongue and saliva. Suck everything; lips, clit...all the things."
6. "Circle your tongue at the opening of the vagina. Slowly, like [you're] looking for something— get lost, King."
7. "Trigger points are apparently on the mons [pubis]... I was shook and I don't know what she did, but babayyyy."
8. "If you not suffocating a little bit and gotta come up for air, you not doing it right."
9. "Never underestimate the power of slipping a finger or two inside her (thoroughly cleaned) to help with the fun."
10. "Be tf soft! Soften that tongue, them lips, that finger, all that shit. Make it soft!"
Volodymyr Bushmelov /Getty Images
11. "Every vulva you meet enjoys a different way to be a tasty treat. So ask your partner if you truly don’t know which way to go. Beginner tips: suck the clit, the vagina, and lick the lips. Oh, and make it juicy. Nobody likes dry lips."
12. "Please be patient! The climax will not be instantaneous and typically will not happen expeditiously. In addition, if she says she’s almost there… DO NOT change that motion/sensation/stroke/whatever…'cause then you gotta start again to build [it] up.:
13. "Build up before going down on her. Don’t go all in. Slow down. Use your hands. Tell me I taste good, encourage me, grab my belly, my thighs, move what you gotta move out the way, and do it with honor. Don’t stuff her like a chicken. Tell her to come hither."
14. "Listen to your partner, and pay attention to not just words but what the body responds to. Ask questions like 'What do you like?' 'What feels good?' Also, eat it like it’s your last meal."
15. "For the love of everything that is good, please flatten your tongue!"
16. "When I say, 'Ooh, right there. Don’t stop.' That means wherever your mouth is, don’t stop licking right there."
17. "Ask. What. She. Likes. Can’t fail if you ask the teacher for the answers."
18. "Wipe her off with a warm towel when she’s done."
19. "The best combo is to lick and suck slightly like you would spaghetti noodles. Put the clit in your mouth, roll it around your tongue clockwise, rinse and repeat…"
20. "Enthusiasm is key! Be aware of your partner’s pleasure responses and wetness. When you hear moans—do more of that. Lick, slurp, suck, kiss. Enjoy yourself while enjoying your partner enjoy you."
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Harbucks/ Getty Images
Do you know how to give a blowjob? Not just any blowjob, but an amazing blowjob? Three 6 Mafia had a song out when I was in high school that suggested giving great head was as simple as slobbing on the knob like corn on the cob, but it's much more involved than that. Giving a great blowjob ain't easy. To quote Samantha from Sex and the City: “Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing.”
Giving a blowjob can be intimidating but it can also be very enjoyable. Like with all things, the science behind the perfect blowjob is practice. It makes perfect. Below, you’ll find 9 blowjob tips from sex experts that will make you a blowjob pro in no time.
1.Treat giving a blowjob like the performance art that it is.
"The best thing you can bring to your oral sex game is enthusiasm! Oral sex is performance art and all performances need a great soundtrack. The quickest way to build enthusiasm is to get a song in your head that makes you feel confident and desirable. The song will take your head out of the game (no pun intended) and allow you to enjoy what you're doing. It will give you a rhythm to perform to. You can even hum the melody into your partner and mouth some of the lyrics for a little razzle-dazzle."
- Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, Sex Educator, @askgoody
2.Play with the senses.
"Don’t be afraid to play with the senses. Playing with sound and sight can really heighten the pleasure. Whether it’s you recording something motivational or just talking your partner up they might appreciate adding a little praise kink to the mix. 'I’m so proud of you, I’m so grateful that you’re in my life and I want you to sit back and enjoy yourself for me' playing in their headphones while you’re showing your oral support or playing a sexy playlist in their headphones while they have a satin scarf around their eyes.
"Switching it up doesn’t always have to mean looking for a new way to reinvent the wheel but going out of your way to make it exciting, different, and pleasurable."
- Samia Burton, Intimacy Coordinator, @sexual.essentials
3.Put some neck into it.
"Use your neck to give that neck. Being able to hit different angles by adjusting/rotating your neck gives your jaw a break and helps you explore different parts of his manhood while leaving room for sucking creativity!"
- CoCo, The Conversational Freak, @theconversationalfreak
4.The gag is, gag on it.
"Spit, spit, and more spit! Keep the penis juicy with a lot of spit. Allow the saliva from your mouth to cover the penis. This isn’t the time to be prim and proper, get nasty…gag, choke, slob all over it."
- Jasmine Daniels, MPH, The Vagina Liberator, @thevaginaliberator
5.Find your rhythm and breathe through your nose.
"Relax and breathe through your nose. This point is sort of twofold but they go together so we are going to count it as one. Naturally, when we relax we tend to take our time and not rush through things which in turn allows us time to breathe. The same strategy applies when there’s a penis going down your throat. Relax, find your rhythm, and breathe through your nose. You can increase the pace as you go along."
- J.Marie, MBA, Sexologist, @boobtionary
6.Add some props to the mix.
"Don't be afraid to try new things and explore. Level up by adding some props to the experience. Just like clits like vibration, so do dicks! Place a bullet-style vibrator on your cheek or under your chin to turn your whole mouth into a vibrator. The erectile tissue of a penis extends further down past the ball sack so applying that same vibrator underneath on the taint area will stimulate that tissue as well as radiate the vibration to the prostate creating a more intense orgasm for them.
"If you don't want the worry of having to hold a bullet vibrator, a vibrating c-ring can get the job done as well. You can place the vibrating piece wherever your partner likes while being hands-free for other exploration. There's plenty of variations of products to fit your choice of stimulation."
- Linnea Marie, Certified Sex Educator, @ex.x.xiteme
7.Show love to the frenulum.
"Give the frenulum attention. The penis has a highly sensitive vein along the back of the shaft. Give this vein some attention and watch the toes curl. You don't have to do too much to stimulate. Drag the tip of your tongue up and down the vein. Try out different variations of pressure with your tongue. If you have the oral capabilities, dragging your tongue up and down that vein specifically as you are sucking on the penis is top tier."
- Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, Millennial Sexpert, @millennialsexpert
8.Give yourself a 'helping hand.'
"For those who don't like to swallow semen, try using a masturbator sleeve, like the Helping Hand by Bedroom Kandi with flavored lube. Use the sleeve on the shaft to allow him to fill the ribbed edges on the inside. When he ejaculates use the sleeve to catch the semen."
- Renee Yvonne, Certified Sex Coach at The Gen Sexologist, @thegensexologist
9.Opt out of shame.
"Remove all shame and judgments. This is a time to be wild, fun, and cocky. Pull your hair back. Let your clothes get wet. Make ugly sounds if you want. Don't worry about your nose or eyes running. You are there to give pleasure and be a part of their orgasm."
- Dr. Kreszentia Snyder, LCPC, Sexologist, Sex and Relationship Therapist, @DrEatPrayKink, @mindsempoweredcounseling
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Caroline Woodham/Getty Images
When it comes to sucking dick, it’s deeply preferential. This preference is, in part, due to chemistry. As in, the more passionate I am about you, the more passionately I want to suck your dick. And that’s on “The girls that get it, get it.” This means that whenever I’m locked in with someone, I’m going to make a valiant effort to please them and shamelessly so. I’ll watch what I need to, ask what I need to — and you already know how raunchy girl talk can get. In fact, it was during girl talk that my friend shared excitedly how she sucked her boyfriend’s dick from the back and often.
And, my curious mind expanded with even more questions on a topic that I had yet to master and clearly had so much more to learn about. Because, how? How? How? What was actually required of a man who desired to have their dick sucked from the back? Does your man need to get on all fours or can they just bend over in a straddle? Does this only apply to those who are overly hung? If you’re anything like me, you’re probably curious too!
But what you have to know is that this position is particularly pleasurable as it provides access to the anus, which is where the male g-spot is located, and also provides some spillover (in that I don’t think you can suck dick from the back without eating ass). However, that also means it requires a lot of vulnerability and fluidity in sexuality.
That said, I don’t think this position is an admitted favorite for several reasons, some of which you can find below.
Vulnerability and Comfortability
Historically speaking, masculinity is rather fragile and most men are highly opposed to butt play or anything close. With that said, this position will require communication and the creation of a safe space for your partner particularly if this is the first time the two of you have explored this position together. What’s too far? Do you have permission to venture off – place a finger or butt plug in their butt while you suck their dick from the back? You want to know these things before going in.
If you’re already a penis person who enjoys rim jobs, this is certainly a different approach to take as you get the best of both worlds. Real Hannah Montana shit.
Size Matters…Here
There’s just no way around this. All bodies are not created equally, all dicks are not created equally. A short and stout dick is not reaching the back – it’s just not. Sorry. The average penis size is 5 inches, and I don’t know the tip to anus exact measurement but somehow it doesn’t require me to be a mathematician to see that the math aint mathing.
Reality vs. Porn
In writing this article, I asked a number of my guy friends about this position. As awkward as it was, they admitted this was not something that they had really done. Which makes me wonder if it’s just a fun expression that women like to say for a little razzle-dazzle when hyping up their man, or what? Is it some wild, fancy shit we saw in a porno and thought, ‘That’s a top-notch blowjob,' not giving much thought to the odds and reality? It definitely is a phrase that gets the people going, but I don’t know how desirable it actually is amongst cishet, run-of-the-mill men. It seems to me that it’s another projected concept from porn that’s not for the average couple.
More Comfortable…For Us
Don’t let any of what I’ve said deter you from trying because one thing I did peep in mentally laying out the logistics is that it might actually be a more comfortable position for those of us whose jaws get uncomfortable when giving head. Why? Because there is now less penis that your mouth has to account for, providing a similar outcome as when you provide a handjob while giving your man head.
In that sense, sucking dick from the back could be a win-win for all parties involved.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's my personal opinion that oral sex doesn't get discussed nearly enough. And that's pretty much my starting and finishing reason for why I'm writing this. C'mon. It's not like most of us don't indulge or engage and yet, when it comes to finding ways to make the experience more enjoyable (because a mouth simply being on another's genitalia is a really low bar), we don't seem to do as much research as we should.
It's no secret that more women climax from cunnilingus than intercourse itself (I'll expound in a moment). And it's definitely no newsflash that fellatio tends to put huge smiles on most men's faces. Still, there's nothing like going from good to great in your oral sex game, right? Something tells me that if you incorporate the following 12 tips, that is exactly what will happen.
1. Treat It Like an “Appetizer.” Not the “Meal.”
Let's start with where our, umm, heads should be about oral sex—whether we're giving or receiving. For starters, if it's gonna be grand, it'll be both. Anyway, while I do know some people who tend to take a hard pass on oral sex for a variety of reasons (by the way, religious married folks should check out Proverbs 5:15) and I certainly say to each their own, gone should be the stigma that there is anything "wrong" or "nasty" about doing it. Besides, 75 percent of women aren't able to have a vaginal orgasm. Oh, but do you know how they can climax? Some good old-fashioned cunnilingus! The main reason is that there is so much direct clitoral stimulation during the act.
Speaking of the stigma and the "ick attitude" that so many still seem to have about oral activity, that's a part of the reason why I think that cunnilingus and fellatio should be seen as appetizers (foreplay) more than the actual meal (intercourse). Think about it. How big of a deal is kissing? Especially in an intimate relationship, it's basically a given, right? Well, oral sex is a form of kissing...kissing genitalia, that is. And when you look at it from the perspective of stimulating your partner and building up excitement for what is to come, that can take a lot of pressure off of doing it. The acts can relax you, significantly so, as you're heading into intercourse. Appetizers are dope. They get the palate ready and prepare us to sit back and enjoy our meal. I think oral sex should be seen in a very similar fashion. How about you?
2. Shower Beforehand. Possibly Together.
I'll tell y'all what, if there's one thing that 2020 did, it got me super up close and personal with streaming apps. Not the ones you've gotta pay for (some of y'all have so many of those that you might as well have cable, chile)—the free ones. One of them being Tubi. Anyway, a series on there that I started watching not too long ago isSecret Diary of a Call Girl. It's…interesting. At times. Anyway, I'm bringing that up for this piece because Belle (the call girl) tends to give tips throughout each episode. One of her first was this—make sure that your partner showers from the moment he steps in your door.
I promise y'all that when I see movies or television shows where folks are all sweaty or are even just coming in from work and oral sex is simulated, I semi wanna gag just like an 80s valley girl. No, no…NO. Oral sex is so much more pleasant when you know that everything is super clean and fresh down there. You can even up the excitement by taking a shower together. Whatever you do, just make sure that hygiene is a top priority. For everyone's sake. And pleasure.
3. Create the Ambiance
Whether you adore oral sex (giving and receiving), you low-key loathe it or you merely tolerate it, the overall experience is going to be so much better—and far less awkward—if the atmosphere is sexy. Use candlelight or colored LED light bulbs. Turn on some slow R&B music. Dress sexy. Bring a few pillows into the mix (when you're "propped up", oral sex can be so much more comfortable). Hit a few other erogenous zones. Maybe give each other a massage (with hands and/or with tongues).
Sometimes oral sex can feel stressful at first, usually because we're rushing into it way too fast. Slow down. Set the mood. Enjoy each other. You've got time. If you're doing it right, you do, anyway.
4. Mutually Discuss What’s Desired. Each Time.
If you don't get anything else out of this, please hold on to this one particular point. Sometimes, we can be in a mood to receive oral sex in a different way than we did the time before. We might want more pressure applied or less. We might prefer it to be wetter or less wet. Sometimes 69 sounds like a good idea while other times, it's the absolute last thing that we want to attempt. But if we don't discuss all of this with our partner and instead, we put the expectation on them to be able to read our minds, that can make us frustrated with them—and ultimately, the act itself.
No one is saying that you have to present a—pardon the pun—full-on oral presentation about what you expect all of the time. I'm just saying that whispering in his ear what you are in the mood for (followed by asking him what he would like) can never hurt. It can only help, actually.
5. Incorporate a Favorite Flavor
I know all of us have heard that if you and your partner drink pineapple juice, everything will be right with the (oral sex) world, but that's not a complete truth. What is a fact is your diet plays somewhat of a role in how your natural lubrication as well as your partner's semen taste. This means that if pineapple juice is a part of your daily diet, it can knock some of the acidity out of both of your fluids, making them an itty bit sweeter. But if you're looking for everything to taste like a piña colada, you're only setting yourself up for failure. No food can do that.
The flip to this is if you bring a favorite sweet condiment into the mix, that can make you less—what would the word be—apprehensive, about diving in, head first (with the pun totally intended). Chocolate syrup, honey, whipped cream, frosting, flavored lubricant—all of these can be super seductive and a delicious distraction, if you happen to like the act but you'd prefer to avoid the taste of the "natural flow of things" as much as possible.
6. Use Some Ice Cubes
Here's the sexual version of IcyHot (LOL). While you may have never thought about "pulling a Mookie" in the bedroom (the real ones know what I'm referring to), it's something that you definitely should take into some serious consideration when it comes to oral sex. For you, the person on the giving end, it can help to produce a lot more wetness which can take off the pressure to produce more saliva. Then, when it comes time to receive, the combination of hotness (from your partner's mouth) and cold (from the ice) can actually stimulate you in a way that nothing else can. It doesn't have to be plain ice either. Popsicles or some Buko Ice Candy (a Filipino kind of icy treat; there's an easy-to-make recipe here) can easily be added to the mix too.
7. Perfect the “Build-Up”
One time, while in a session with a married couple, surprisingly, they both had the same complaint when it came to giving oral sex. It wasn't that they didn't like doing it so much as they felt like their partner took FOR-E-VER to orgasm. When I did a bit of deeper digging, I realized that, when it came to the act, there really isn't any wooing or seducing that was transpiring. They both would just take off their clothes and start. Not only is that not very sexy but this approach means that you have to not only "warm your partner up" with your mouth but then keep going until completion (because most of us go until completion…right?).
That's why I'm all about folks learning how to perfect the build-up. All I mean by that is there should be all about lots of kissing and caressing before oral sex begins. Shoot, even once they get to the genital region, there should be some seductive teasing by kissing/licking the hips and/or inner thighs. Again, if everyone slows down and relishes in the anticipation, by the time the act itself goes down, climaxing shouldn't be too difficult and definitely shouldn't take three television programs long. Not at all.
8. Switch Up Positions
I don't know what makes people think that oral sex always has to consist of being in some variation of the missionary position. It. Does. Not. If you'd like a little bit of a breakdown on how certain positions can prove to be most beneficial, a few years back, we published "6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees." I also like the his-and-her positions that the site Your Tango took on. You can check it out here. Sometimes, just a change in angles can make all the difference in the world.
9. Yawn. Kinda.
Not all penises are created equal (check out "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)"). That's a good thing. That said if you happen to have a partner who has the kind of penis where you find yourself repeatedly experiencing a gag reflex, try fake yawning during fellatio. This simple hack will help your throat to open up and your tongue to flatten, so that it's easier to…take everything all in.
10. Bring in Some Lubricant
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we simply can't produce enough saliva or we need some help to keep our hands from causing the oral sex version of rug burn on our partner. Something that can help both of these things from being an issue is lubrication. A recipe that you might want to try consists of coconut oil and margarita flavoring. Now please keep in mind that since oil-based lubes can actually semi-melt latex condoms, this should be used when it comes to oral activity only (and after being STD-cleared because you can get one from oral too). Still, if you're looking for a way to bring more "slip" into your second or third round, an easy and tasty recipe is right here.
11. “Seesaw It” All
There are some partners who've told me that the way oral sex happens for them is extremely compartmentalized. They do that—and then they have intercourse. There is no overlapping. What in the world? Do you know how hot it is to seesaw it? What I mean by that is to go five minutes with oral, have intercourse to the point of edging, and then go back to giving—or receiving? Whew.
It's always important to remember that sex isn't supposed to be regimented. Learn to go with the flow and do whatever feels good at the moment. It'll turn you on more and make oral sex so much more erotic. And that's always a good thing.
12. Watch It All Go Down (Pun Intended)
I know. Sometimes it all feels so good that you couldn't keep your eyes open if you tried. But a lot of times, we don't make eye contact during any kind of sex act because we simply don't think it's that big of a deal, one way or another. Oh, but it is. Eye contact during physical intimacy conveys that you want to make a deeper connection with your partner. And, when you do it during oral sex, they are able to get more turned on by either watching what you are doing to them or seeing all of the nuances of your facial expressions while they are gracing you with their skills.
Oh, and if you really want to take things to another level, you can even tape your partner during the act. Or, if a tape, to you, is too risqué, the next best thing is to watch with the help of a full-length mirror that's directly in front of you.
As you can see, these aren't "oral sex hacks" so much as they are tips to remind you to relax your mind, stay in the moment and—again, pun intended—take it all in. Oral sex can be unbelievable. You've just got to open up and let it be.
Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published February 19, 2021
A few weeks ago, KevOnStage posted a video that reminded me a lot of what fascinates me about many "church folks." OK, so if you're not familiar with what Mormon soaking is, oh, it's a trip alright. I'll let Kev break it down for you:
Have y\u2019all heard of \u201csoaking\u201d? pic.twitter.com/MgHivzbCYr— Kev\u00edn (@Kev\u00edn) 1632942302
Somewhere, someone, came up with the notion that so long as a man doesn't — and yes, I'm gonna go grade school on this — put "it" all the way in or move around when he's partially in, he and his partner aren't actually having sex. Chile. CHILE. Now, before you roll your eyes over how ridiculous that sounds, do you know how many Christians who strive for some sort of sexual purity think that oral sex isn't "really sex" or that they can preserve their virginity by having anal sex? Yep. Also ridiculous. Denying something doesn't make it not so — across the board. Yet let me stay on topic.
As I thought about all of this stuff, something else that came to mind is a topic that I've been noticing on these here internets, more and more, as of late (although I'm still not quite sure why) — outercourse. I'm pretty sure you can tell, off the rip, that it's in the neighborhood of intercourse. Still, if you're not exactly sure what it is and how it's even in the realm of soaking and oral and anal sex, give me a few moments to explain.
Just What Is Outercourse?
Uh-huh. I know how some of y'all are — you like to skim, so, for you, the short definition of outercourse is it's the kind of sexual activity that doesn't include actual penetration. Although some Mormons and Christians have found a (delusional) workaround, some people consider it to be anything that doesn't include penis-in-vagina penetration. OK, so for the classic meaning of the word, outercourse is doing things like fondling, dry humping (do folks still say that, en masse?), kissing, mutual masturbation, and giving each other massages. For the "remix", oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs, fingering, and sex toys come into play.
Since there isn't any eggplant-in-the-taco (if you know what I mean) transpiring, does this mean that outercourse can qualify as abstinence? Eh. I guess it all depends on how you see abstinence. Since literal definitions include terms like self-restraint and self-denial, I'm not sure how much abstinence applies if you're somehow able to find ways to get your rocks off even without, again, putting it in. And, if you're approaching matters from a spiritual purity standpoint, lust is what the Bible frowns upon and how do you not do that when you're humping or oral-ing? Hmph. Speaking of, it's no secret that I've been abstinent for what seems like FOR-E-VER and one of my male friends once said, "Girl, if you're masturbating, you ain't abstinent. You just ain't got no n — a." He said that to me my first three years in. Ouch.
Anyway, if you've never heard the word "outercourse" before or you have yet it always sounded so — let's go with the word "unique" — that you never officially looked it up, now when it comes up online or in conversation, you know exactly what it's all about. And just why would someone find outercourse to be the lick (no pun intended)? Personally, five reasons come to mind (if you can think of more, please leave your comments underneath this post). I'll share them with you.
5 Benefits That Come from Engaging in Outercourse
1. No Pregnancy or STDs (If You’re Really Careful).
OK, so to give you some perspective, back in 2014, there were reportedly 1.9 million new STD cases. In 2019, there were 2.6 million. That's quite the leap, y'all. So, if you're looking for a way to engage in the "friction of sex" or to have an alternative to experiencing orgasm without running the risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease or pregnant, the classic definition of outercourse has your back. Now, as far as the remix goes, you can most definitely get an STD from oral and anal sex (I actually know a guy who got one from receiving fellatio; again, be careful out here!). On the pregnancy tip, you need to be using a condom when "backdoor sex" is going down, period, but you definitely need to in order to be on the safe side. Because spillage is spillage, right? And your rectum and vagina are pretty damn close together. Too close to risk it.
2. You and/or Your Partner Want to “Ease into” Sex.
One day soon, I'm gonna write an article about how love happens in layers. For many, so does sex. That said, once you've passed the kissing stage and you want more but you're not sure if it needs to be intercourse (yet), outercourse can be a good option. It can help you both to explore an intense level of foreplay, encourage you to learn each other's bodies, and still find ways to cultivate pleasure without putting the "p" into the "v."
3. You and Your Partner Don’t Have Any Protection.
Or, say that he forgot his condoms or you haven't been regular with taking your pills or you need to get a new diaphragm or you just started a new form of birth control and you're not confident enough that it's as close to foolproof as birth control can be (because NOTHING is 100 percent besides abstinence). For all of these situations, classic outercourse could be the jam because you can still climax (here's hoping anyway) without worrying about what the next week or following month could have in store.
4. You Want to “Perfect” Before-Intercourse-Activities.
OK, so here's where the classic and remix versions of outercourse can be really bomb. Whether you want you and/or your partner to get better at foreplay, you want to slow down intercourse sessions or you want to perfect a particular sexual act, this can also be where outercourse works like a charm.
For instance, say that you and your partner decide that you won't copulate until there are 30 minutes of outercourse and the focus is going to be oral sex. Then you can apply articles like "12 Things You Should Do During Oral Sex (That You Probably Aren't)", "Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This." and "Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things." to boost your technique and that knowledge added to a set amount of time can take all-things-sex to an entirely new level!
5. You’re not Enjoying Intercourse — Just Yet.
And finally, another benefit of outercourse is, I've worked with some married couples who…let's just say that they didn't see any fireworks during their wedding night or even the weeks and months that followed. Outercourse can be good for them because it's taking intercourse off the table so that there's less pressure while still encouraging them to learn what works and what doesn't…in other ways.
So, there you have it — enough info on outercourse to where at least you know what's going on and you can bring it up to your partner if any of the perks seem like a win to you. Just remember that the classic comes with the least risk, the remix is getting really close to the actual act and Mormon soaking is pretty ludicrous — and definitely qualifies as intercourse. Not outercourse.
Featured image by Getty Images