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Wife. Material. Two definitions of material are “the substance or substances of which a thing is made or composed” and “a group of ideas, facts, data, etc., that may provide the basis for or be incorporated into some integrated work.” In order for a marriage to be a healthy and thriving one, the husband needs to be made up of a certain kind of material and the wife does as well. And, as you’re about to see, for many men, a girlfriend does not automatically translate into a potential wife.
How could that possibly be? Read on. The answers just might surprise you.
*Middle names are used so that the men can speak freely.*
Giphy1. Dreven. 37. Married for Five Years.
“I’m going to tell you ladies something that will spare you a lot of wasted time and therapy if you actually listen — for a lot of men, deciding to get married is more about timing than the person they are with. What I mean is, Shellie once told me that she read a quote that said a woman will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready and there is a lot of truth in that. Even if you show all of the traits that would make you the ultimate wife, if a man isn’t looking for that, it’s not really going to matter. A man who sees a woman as ‘wife material’ has to see marriage as being a part of his life to begin with. So, if you want to get married, date someone who feels the same way.”
Shellie here: That reminds me of an oldie-but-goodie that I once penned for the platform. If you’ve never read “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife,” it just might (further) connect some dots for you in relation to what Dreven just said.
2. Colton. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
“I think it’s crazy how women on social media are always talking about how a ‘real man’ won’t even need their help when the Bible literally calls women ‘helpmates.' They can take that up with their Lord and Savior. Not to mention stories of now-millionaires like Denzel Washington who said that his wife helped to pay for their first date and Ryan Coogler’s wife paid for some of his film equipment while they were dating. To me, a wife material woman isn’t selfish. She gets that a relationship requires give and take. She doesn’t think that she should be the only one on the receiving end of things. The woman I’m with now is totally wife material — and she is the first woman I’ve dated who has ever made me feel that way. She wants us both to win. Everything isn’t just about her.”
Shellie here: Colton’s biblical reference is Genesis 2:18(AMPC): “Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him” and that “complementary” word reminds me of another article that you might want to read at some point and time — “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.”
Giphy4. Namir. 30. Engaged.
“Girlfriends are temporary. A wife is forever. That’s how I see it. So, ‘girlfriend material’ in my eyes is someone who I’m looking to be with for a fun time not a long time. The word has ‘girl’ in it — what about that sounds serious? That’s why I never had many girlfriends. I dated a lot, but the title of ‘girlfriend’ always sounded silly to me. If I’m only going to be with you, you need to be my fiancée or wife not a girlfriend — and if I’m not ready for or even interested in that, then I’m not going to pretend like I am. If you are a girlfriend, could you become a wife? Maybe. It’s a gamble. Because if I’m going into the situation with you being that to me, there is something about me that isn’t ready for marriage which means that you might or might not be my [future] wife. Why risk it? That’s why women feel taken advantage of — they are girlfriends acting like they are a wife when they could simply date men who want a wife from the beginning. Not ‘someday.’ SOON.”
5. Malcolm. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Transactional women are not wife material. I’ve always found it odd that women will say things like, ‘If we give you sex, you should give us money.’ The oldest profession thinks like that. Don’t forget that we both get pleasure out of sex. What am I getting out of paying your bills all of the time? And a woman who thinks that way, why should a man trust her enough to marry her? You’re sleeping with me to get some sort of monetary gain? Sounds like you will weaponize intimacy in marriage because you’re manipulating it now. Men who are marriage-minded don’t find those women appealing or attractive — certainly not for the long-term or to go the distance.”
Shellie here: Yeah, I loathe that transactional nonsense too. I address it here: “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”
Giphy5. Eli. 36. In a Serious Relationship.
“A girlfriend to me is someone who there might be as many cons as there are pros to the situation, but you don’t really care because you’re not asking yourself if you can see being with this person forever — you’re enjoying them for the time that you are with them now. What women don’t get is when a man is ready for marriage, he is asking himself questions that he barely even thinks about when he’s dating: ‘Do we come to resolves quickly?’; ‘Does she get along well with my family?’; ‘Does she enjoy sex as much as I do?’; ‘Does she show traits of being a good mother?’; ‘Is she financially mature?’; ‘Is she feminine and peaceful?’; ‘Does she take good care of herself?’. When you’re just dating someone, a lot of this, you don’t even care about because, if they aren’t going to do life with you, it doesn’t really matter. When a guy wants a wife, he probably won’t even get into the whole ‘girlfriend’ title thing. She will jump from a few dates to a fiancée quick!”
6. Jario. 30. Married for Two Years.
“Wife material to me is emotional maturity. How a woman handles challenges — and I don’t mean in the relationship but in her own life is really sexy. I’ve had girlfriends in the past who freaked out about the smallest things and that was always a red flag to me; if you can’t handle a damn Amazon package arriving late or one of your friends cancelling on you at the last minute, no telling what you’ll be like if you lose your job. A woman who is more solutions-oriented than problem-stuck is a woman who is going to be hard for a man to pass by. When my wife totaled her car while we were dating and she called me all calm, I thought that she was pranking me at first. And that was when I knew she was the one. Calm in a crisis. Knowing how to handle her emotions. Focusing on what she actually can control. And she’s still like that to this day.”
Giphy7. Nyle. 42. In a Serious Relationship.
“I don’t think a lot of people who are boyfriends or girlfriends ever evolve from the mindset of high school or college. Still entitled. Still immature. Still playing games. Still focused more on what they can get from someone than what they can do for someone else. Still thinking that relationships are a fairy tale. You have to be very mature to be married. The problem is, people want to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ in marriage — they have that same stunted mentality. That’s why they can’t endure hard times and divorce is always on their mind. The same ‘If everything doesn’t go my way all of the time, I’m gonna break up’ is how they act about their marriage. They don’t even care if they said vows to God. Girlfriend material is for people who aren’t ready to bring long-term integrity and commitment to something. Because of that, wife material is rare. Marriage material, overall, is rare.”
8. Esai. 26. In a Serious Relationship.
“I found wife material about six months ago. She’s really smart. She keeps me laughing. Her relationship with God means more to her than anything else. She’s family-oriented. She’s been praying about how to become the best kind of wife. All of these things caught my attention, but the last one means the most. Women are always talking about men should chase them because a man should ‘find a wife’ but I don’t hear a lot of them talking about preparing to be that kind of woman. I think girlfriends can focus more on themselves because, technically, they are single. Wife-material is always considering another person — how to be who their future husband needs. In my eyes, that’s the difference.”
Giphy9. Stiles. 34. Engaged.
“I fumbled the ball with one woman before my fiancée — and that was because the timing wasn’t right. For the kind of woman that she was, I wasn’t in the right mental, spiritual or financial position. Everyone else? I didn’t care about being anything more than their boyfriend: we hang out, we have a good time, we have sex and if it ends, I’m actually pretty cool with that because I thought it had an expiration date on it anyway. Too many women try to get a boyfriend. Guys don’t care about that because we don’t take that role as seriously as you think. Women may think that a boyfriend is an ‘almost husband’ but most of us see it as something that probably won’t last, so we don’t invest in it like it will. That’s why, the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is seeing a woman as someone for now vs. someone for the long haul. Hey, you asked.”
10. Pearce. 50. Married for 18 Years.
“My wife was never my girlfriend. I waited until I knew I could provide a woman with a lifestyle that a wife should have and then I started looking for a wife — not a girlfriend. It took about six months. I would go on dates, usually by referral. After three of them, max, I knew if someone was what I was looking for or not. A guy at my job introduced me to my wife, three dates in, I knew she was for me. Six months later we got engaged and a year later, we got married. When a man is looking for wife material, girlfriend material is irrelevant.”
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Y’all, you can spend — or is it waste? — hours of your time listening to random women online tell you how men think…or you can actually listen to me. When it comes to how they see girlfriends vs. wives, 10 just told you. Ask some of the men in your world to share their thoughts as well.
Because why be out here focusing on one kind of material when…the fabric of a marriage…consists of something totally different.
And won’t that preach?
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