'Acrimony' Means Let That Sh*t Go, Sis
The title of the new Tyler Perry film, Acrimony, is one of the most searched words on Merriam Webster this month due to the anticipation of the film's release on Friday (March 30).
The dictionary defines Acrimony as meaning anger or bitterness. And in the flick, Taraji P. Henson is the crazy beautiful lead character telling the story of a woman scorned. Acrimony was shot in a mere eight days at Perry's studio in Atlanta, and he says that it is his favorite to date. Regarding the project, Taraji compared her character to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction:
"It's about what happens when the love is lost, when you lose your security in the relationship. Funds, money. There's stress, when you're married and there's no money coming in. What happens when you want that relationship back, but you can't get it back?"
The movie follows the life of Taraji's character, Melinda, who at the beginning of the film is a hopeful college student who falls in love. She later creates a life with a husband, played by She's Gotta Have It's Lyriq Bent, and becomes the sole breadwinner in their household, acting as his support system while he pursued his dream.
After 18 years, the marriage reaches a point of failure and they divorce. Later, he becomes wildly successful, and she feels betrayed. After taking care of her ex-husband for nearly two decades, he goes on to create a life of wealth and happiness without her and it causes Melinda to go off the deep end.
Love conquers all, except for when it doesn't.
As women of color, we're always told to "stand by our man" through everything, even if we don't appear to be evenly yoked, no matter how much wrong he does. We are expected to stand by and help our man pick up the pieces. When and if the relationship ends, we are left feeling robbed of our own pieces, full of resentment and ready to slap a b*tch.
There is a Melinda that lives inside of all of us, when and if provoked. We think to ourselves, Don't I deserve something for my time, my energy, and the love I offered you? Taraji said that Melinda is an example of all of the sh*t she would have done if she wasn't scared to go to jail. Don't be bougie, we've all been there.
Acrimony/Tyler Perry Studios
"Love makes you do crazy things," she said on the Today Show. "It's all the things I wish I could have done but hadn't acted on."
College was a rough ride for me. I was miles away from family but I had finally made a home for myself with my then-boyfriend, who was an "artist." When we got into a relationship, he decided not to go into the navy, a choice that he always blamed on me. He was very talented but had no clue what he was going to do with his life.
Thank God he met me.
I filled out every grant and scholarship application there was trying to get him into college, and he was never grateful and I was always mad. As the time went on and I focused on him, my senior year of college passed me by. I missed Homecoming, I never pledged, and I have no memories with my classmates because I was focused on helping him.
I turned down post-graduate internships, avoided applying for jobs in places that were too far out of his comfort zone, and put my dream on the backburner for what I thought was best for us. Fast forward three years, and he's a barber or some sh*t and we're not even together. He never wanted to go to college. And everything that I did for him, I realize now, I was only doing for myself.
Melinda is a symbol of the rage and animosity that women hide so well underneath our kind smiles and encouraging words. As women of color, we often take it upon ourselves to nurture and care for the ones that we love more than we do ourselves. This often leaves us betrayed. Especially when that energy isn't reciprocated. Even more so when that man leaves you and he's left better than you found him, while you're left half-filled, half-loved, and all the way broken.
As much as I wanted to drive up to where he was and bust all the windows out of his car for all of the time, energy, and love that I wasted on him, I understand now that it's much easier for me to just let that sh*t go. I sleep a lot better at night having done that.
Acrimony is a testament to the sheer beauty of letting sh*t go. The truth about life and love is that you're bound to get hurt, and want to hurt somebody, but you must remember that your dignity depends on the release of that hurt.
But for those of us who haven't let it go completely yet, we can definitely live vicariously through Melinda and bust some windows. Metaphorically of course. Watch the trailer for the movie, slated to premiere March 30, below.
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images