

Here's How To Know You're Ready To Love...Again
Personally, I don't believe in puppy love. At least, not in the traditional sense. It's been my experience that whenever people use that term it's a way to minimize a love relationship based on one's age. My first love? It happened when I was 18. He was a teenager too. And although we're both in our 40s now, we still run into each other from time to time and admit that our "young love" was one of the most mutually impacting, to this day.
My point? When we get involved with someone, we "fall in love" and things don't work out, I don't think it's smart to act like what happened wasn't love at all. Just because things don't turn out the way we want them to, that doesn't mean the experience wasn't real. If anything, I just think that each time we love and move on, we learn more about what love really is, in preparation for the bigger love that is to follow.
Me? Based on what I currently believe I know about love, I feel that I have loved four men. What hindsight has caused me to accept is that each one taught me something that has caused me to expand my view of love—love for a man and, more importantly, love for myself. Just because we aren't together, that didn't mean the love wasn't real; it just means that the season came to an end so that I could learn more about the vastness of love…elsewhere.
Honestly, I think embracing this kind of mentality is the first indication that you're ready to love again. When you don't look back and diminish what you had with someone else but, instead, you can see the beauty and divine purpose within it, that's when you can receive what's next.
If a past love experience wore you all the way out, what are some other pretty telling signs that you're in a healthy and mature place to love—again?
You’re Not Looking for a Man to Fill Some Void
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The reality is that all of us have voids in our lives; some are just bigger (or in different compartments) than others. But the reason why it's not the best idea to look for a man to fill a void in your life is because, typically, when you do that, the void has something to do with what you should be working to fill on your own. If that doesn't make sense, peep some indicators that you have a pattern of looking for guys to fill voids—you tend to rebound a lot; you hop from shallow relationship to shallow relationship; you rush relationships; you mistake sex for intimacy and you'd rather be with someone—almost anyone—than be alone.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. After all, humans are relational beings. At the same time, one of the best indications that you've healed from the past and are truly ready for what is to come is you are happy and whole as a single woman. Also, a man isn't going to complete your life so much as he will enhance it. And until that man comes along, you know you'll be fine whether you're with someone or…not.
You Know the Difference Between Being Lonely and Being Alone
Remember how I said that people who look for void fillers, they would rather be with just about anybody over being alone? Let's look a little deeper into that.
One of the biggest lessons that comes with singlehood is knowing the difference between being lonely vs. being alone.
What sets them apart? People who are alone, they don't look at it like it's a death sentence or even anything to be ashamed of. People who are alone, oftentimes do it by choice because if someone doesn't have what they are looking for, they'd rather pass than settle. People who are alone have such full lives that they don't have a ton of time to reflect on whether they are lonely or not. People who are alone don't see the need to wait on a date or even their friends before going out; if no one else is available, they will head out anyway.
Lonely individuals? They read all of that and broke out into a cold sweat. To them, being in a relationship is the solution to their chronic loneliness. As a result, a relationship doesn't really serve as a support system; it's more like a crutch.
When You Think About Your Ex, You Have Peace About the Situation
This one is big. Some of my exes, we're actually pretty cool with one another; not besties but definitely not afraid to run into each other at the mall and give an earnest hug. Then there are those who, I am totally fine with never seeing again. EVER. But something that both categories of men have in common is when they randomly run through my mind (or someone brings them up), I don't feel any type of way about it. I'm not mad. I'm not plotting revenge. I don't even feel the need to rant or vent about their qualities that caused us to end things in the first place.
We shared an intimate season and so, that's a part of me. At the same time, nothing about what was is going to affect—meaning infect—what is or what will be. This means that the next guy doesn't have to worry about me comparing him to my ex or judging him based on what my ex did or didn't do. He's got a totally clean slate. Just as it should be.
Your Reason for a Relationship Is Not to Prove Some Point
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I promise you, the older—and wiser—I get, the less things I feel like I need to prove to anyone. You should feel the exact same way. I mean, just look at what prove means: "to establish the truth or genuineness of, as by evidence or argument". If you're walking around trying to make the things in your life appear true or genuine, either you've been out here fakin' the funk for a long time now or you need to find some new people to be around.
This is especially the case as it relates to matters of the heart. No matter how much you loved your ex, how long you were with him, why the two of you broke up or how quickly he bounced back and got with someone else (shout out to Nino Brown's insight on this topic right here), you are absolutely NOT ready for a new situation if your only motive is to prove that you can move on too.
The last time I had a boyfriend is when I was 32. He's since lived with someone and some other stuff since then. Chile, I don't care. The love I once had for him hopes he'll find his fit; he deserves it. In the meantime, I'm not gonna get myself into something that isn't the best for me just to prove that I can.
When you've truly healed from a relationship, you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you have nothing that you need to prove. To anyone.
You’d Finally Prefer the Man You Need vs. the Man You Want
Did you know that only 14 percent of men in the United States are over 6' tall (maybe that's why a lot of celebrities are so short; tall is the exception and not the rule)? This means that my preference for at least 6'3" or up is going to make finding Mr. Right a bit of a challenge; especially since I'd also prefer him to be in the Godiva chocolate range (preferably someone who resembles the lead in one my favorite web seriesMind of the Single Male; he's dope and so is his real-life wife. I love Black love!). On the physical tip, those are some of the things that I want; they are not necessarily things that I need.
That's a part of how I know that I'm ready to love again because I used to have a pretty counterproductive habit of putting my wants before my needs—attractive before committable; funny before mature; sexy over spiritual (hey, I'm just being real). But after having to nurse my heart back to life, more times than I can count, needs are a whole lot more important to me.
By no means am I saying that I'm going to settle for the short and hefty pastor who has absolutely no sex appeal (I broke down how I got over that in "My Eureka Moment for Why I'm Not into 'Nice Guys'"); I'm saying that rather than just focusing on what I desire on a semi-surface level, I'm now open to what's truly necessary for my next relationship to remain healthy, strong and able to go the distance.
Character is the "cake", the need. Sexiness is "icing", the want. Cake before icing (but yes…icing is much appreciated too).
A Relationship Will Enhance Your Already Amazing Life
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You wanna know how you can truly know that you're ready for the next—and, if all goes well, final—love of your life? It's when, if the perfect man entered into your world right now, you'd have to stop and consider if he is going to cramp your style because your life is already so full and fulfilling.
Recently, while talking to a male friend of mine, he asked me if I was freaking out (on any level) since it had been so long since I've been in a relationship. I thought about it and said:
"My hormones have those moments, for sure, but you know what? Until a man can love me in the way that I know I can love a man, I need to remain single. I'd be settling otherwise."
That's basically my motto these days. I want to find love again, but not just so I can be in a relationship. What all of the past loves have taught me is until—and unless—someone can top all of what I've already experienced, my life, as it is, is pretty darn good. I'm in love with it and myself. "He" will have to get in where he fits in. And honestly, that's how I know that I'm about as close as I can get to being ready to love…again.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Why Do Millennials & Gen-Zers Still Feel Like Teenagers? The Pandemic Might Be The Reason.
There’s nothing quite as humbling as navigating adulthood with no instruction manual. Since the turn of the decade, it seems like everything in our society that could go wrong has, inevitably, gone wrong. From the global pandemic, our crippling student debt problem, the loneliness crisis, layoffs, global warming, recession, and not to mention figuring out what to eat for dinner every night. This constant state of uncertainty has many of us wondering, when are the grown-ups coming to fix all of this?
But the catch is, we are the new grown-ups.
As if it happened without our permission, we became the new adults. We are the members of society who are paying taxes, having children, getting married, and keeping our communities afloat, one iced latte at a time. Still, there’s something about doing all these grown-up duties that feel unnaturally grown-up. Enter the #teenagegirlinher20s.
If there’s one hashtag to give you the state of the next cohort of adults, it’s this one. Of the videos that have garnered over 3.9M views, you’ll find a collection of users who are overwhelmed by life’s pressing existential responsibilities, clung to nostalgia, and reminiscent of the days when their mom and dad took care of their insurance plans.
@charlies444ngel no like i cant explain to her why i had to buy multiple tank air dupes from aritzia #teenagegirlinher20s #fyp
The concept of being a 20-something or 30-something teenager is linked to the sentiment of not feeling “grown up enough” to do grown-up things while feeling underprepared and even nihilistic about whether that preparation even matters.
It’s our generation’s version of when we ask our grandmothers how old they are and they simply reply with, “I still feel 45,” all while being every bit of 76 years old. In this, we share a warped concept of time while clinging to a desire for infantilization.
Granted, the pandemic did a number on our concept of time. Many of us who started the pandemic in our early or mid-20s missed out on three fundamental years of socialization, career development, and personal milestones that traditionally help to mark our growth.
Our time to figure out and plan our next steps through fumbling yet active participation was put on pause indefinitely and then resumed provisionally. This in turn has left many of us hanging in the balance of uncertainty as we try to make sense of the disconnect between our minds and bodies in this missing gap of time.
Because we’re all still figuring out what the ramifications of being locked away and frozen in time by a global pandemic will have on us as a society, there really is no “right” way of making up for lost time. Feeling unprepared for any new chapter of life is a natural rite of passage, pandemic or not. However, it’s important to not stay stuck in the last age or period of life that made sense to us because self-growth is the truest evidence of personal progress.
So whether you’re leaning on your inner child, teenager, or 20-something for guidance as you fill the gap between your real age and pandemic age, know that it’s okay to grieve the person you thought you would be and the milestones you thought you’d hit before you ever knew what a pandemic was. If there’s anything that the pandemic taught us, it’s that we have the power to reimagine a better world and life for ourselves. And if we tap into our inner teenager as a compass, we can piece together our next chapter with a fresh outlook.
Sure, we’ve lost a couple of years, but there are still some really amazing ones ahead.
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Featured image by Stephen Zeigler/Getty Images