How I Learned To Create Boundaries With My Toxic Parent
Since the beginning of 2020, we have all been consumed with creating resolutions, breaking bad habits, and creating new ones for the enhancement of our daily lives. While writing my personal, professional, creative, and mental health goals, I had developed all these plans about how I would make this year as resourceful as possible. 2020 would be my year of elevation and financial growth.
Five days into the new year, an unfortunate situation with my father forced me to be honest with myself and come to the realization that my father is and has been a toxic parent for quite some time.
For years, I had been neglecting my mental health and my feelings towards my father for the sake of keeping the peace and the comfort of my blended family. Before I could execute this year of success and elevation, I had to interact with one of my fears; standing up for myself and creating boundaries.
Enough was enough.
I had reached my peak and I was completely fed up with how I was being treated. For years, I had bottled up feelings of neglect and emotional dysfunction. Just when I thought that my relationship with my father was progressing, it wouldn't take long before we were feeling like we were strangers again.
Being lied to and treated as an afterthought broke my spirit and started to affect my relationships and work.
I was sad but mostly angry.
I started to self-sabotage and blame myself for the circumstances of our relationship. I felt that my absolute last resort was to speak up for myself. Therefore, I decided to write my father a letter and read it to him, explaining how I felt and the reasons why I felt as though he was a toxic parent. Trust and believe that this is the last thing that I had ever wanted to do.
In reality, this was something that I needed to say for both of us, more so for me.
After reading the letter, there was an awkward silence and apologies from him. I further explained that I simply needed space and that I would let him know when I am ready to proceed. Our visits were put to a halt and phone calls were limited. The distance allowed me to have time for self-reflection, sitting in my emotions and seeking therapy because I couldn't handle this on my own.
I discovered the significance of taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually which gave me more freedom to be better to others.
I started to actually seek advice from loved ones and taking the search for a black therapist more seriously. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast helped me tremendously. Even taking the time to research toxic parents and the effects it may have on the family. It took a while but I found a therapist. Even after our first consultation, she explained to me that navigating through these kinds of relationships can be hard on both us.
Creating the boundaries with my father actually helped change his perspective as well. I think for the first time in years the restrictions forced him to actually listen and consider my feelings. Since the letter, he has been very cautious and treads lightly with his choice of words. We are definitely not 100 percent, however, we are getting there slowly but surely. I have faith that we can at least have a respectable relationship again.
One thing that's for certain is that we are all human and are fighting different kinds of battles, even our parents.
I'm sure there is a lot that I don't know and understand about my father and/or his relationship with his own father which could be affecting our relationship. I have reached a point where I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself. All I can do is keep an open mind, take action, and treat myself the way I would love to be treated.
No one else is responsible for my happiness except me.
Toxic parents are real and they are rarely discussed. If you are dealing with anything similar, try your hardest to keep your head up and take it one day at a time. Expect less and take care of yourself more. Focus less on where you are lacking and narrow in on the love that you do have from others.
It is OK to love from a distance.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED