Whoa buddy. Before we deep dive into the topic of potential, I think it's important to say something that is very important, and relevant, about love. And yes, I'm going to broach this from a biblical perspective. I John 4:8&16 tells us that God is love and, I Corinthians 13, the Love Chapter, tells us that love is things like patient (bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like) and that it bears all things (think about all of this, the next time you get ready to say "I love you" to someone). When it comes to what God knows about me, I know that I can be a handful and a continual work in progress so, yes, I do believe that a big part of love's purpose is to see someone as they could or should be and not necessarily as they currently are. True and divine love is about believing in the best about someone and supporting them through their evolutions (which is what should be a foundational principle in marriage, if you ask me).
It's kinda like the quote by Canadian columnist Richard J. Needham who once said, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." A lot of married folks call it quits because they forget (or deliberately choose to ignore) that very profound insight.
Yeah, love isn't about feeling good all of the time or being with someone who acts like they memorized the script of your favorite rom-com. As the Good Book says, "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (I Corinthians 13:7—NLT)
I think all of this needs to go on record because what we're about to tackle, well…it's not that I'm saying that it's impossible to love a work in progress. The truly humble and self-aware folks know that we all are a work in progress. Only delusional people expect relationships to be perfect when the two people in them are anything but. However, it's one thing to choose to love someone who is rough around the edges, you're totally aware of that fact, you don't try and make things be what they aren't and you decide to stay, deal and endure. It's something entirely different when there are all kinds of signs and red flags that you think you should overlook because you believe that your love either makes those things irrelevant or, your love is going to somehow miraculously change an individual. The first scenario is dealing in realism. The second? Well, that is someone who thinks that it's truly possible to fall in love with potential. Here's why I call BS on Door #2.
What Is Potential? Exactly.
I am always tickled when an article topic will pull up a song in my mental rolodex that I haven't thought about in a while. Today, it's Brandy's classic "Almost Doesn't Count". And yes, for context, I'm going to include all of the first verse.
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinking
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost. Almost does not count. It doesn't count because the word means "little short of being; very nearly". The saying "close but no cigar" immediately comes to mind. The reason why almost emotionally trips so many of us up is because it literally means that something—or in this case, someone—is right on the verge of being what we want or need…close but ain't. Yeah, and please don't let the definition of the word "being" escape you either. It means "existence" or "substance". A definition of exist is "occur". A definition of substance is "physical matter or material". The reason why Brandy is so right when she says that a man almost was the one but he wasn't is because he almost proved himself to be right…but what she thought was there actually didn't exist (occur) and wasn't of substance (physical matter or material). If something you thought was there wasn't…it doesn't really count…does it?
And that's what makes the word "almost" a sibling to the word "potential". Potential means "possible, as opposed to actual". The words to focus on here are "possible" and "actual". Check it.
Possible: capable of existing and taking place; having potential or capabilities for favorable use or development; that may or may not happen or have happened; feasible but less than probable
Actual: existing in act or fact; real; existing now; present; current
Lawd, lawd. The parts that are underlined and in bold? That is by design. Something or someone who has potential? That is something or someone who yes, it is feasible that they could manifest into what you need, want or desire; however, at the same time, the chances of that happening are—please pay attention here—less than probable. This means that it's less likely that what you are expecting will actually occur.
So, when a person says that they are in love with someone else's potential, what they are essentially saying is they are investing in someone becoming what is less than likely to actually occur.
The reasons why are endless. It might be because the person they are involved with isn't interested in becoming different. It might be because, in this season, that individual is incapable of growth or change. It could also be because the person who loves them doesn't actually love them; they love who they conjured up in their mind whether it was out of desperation, control tendencies or a fairy tale perception of what love and relationships are really all about. Or, it could be something else. Whatever the case may be, potential could happen but, based on the definition of the word, it's not something to bet next month's rent on. In other words, potential is a gamble. A super risky one, at that.
Meanwhile, when something is actual—which is essentially the opposite of potential—that speaks to what is real. Real is an interesting word too. Two of its definitions include "true" and "existing or occurring as fact; actual rather than imaginary, ideal, or fictitious". Real? It deals in facts not fiction. It's based on what is actually the truth. Actual also speaks to what exists right now. It's not about what could happen next month or next year; it's about what you are dealing with at the present moment. Now, keeping all of these definitions in mind, let's touch down on why it's actually impossible to fall in love with someone based on their potential.
Why You Can Never Actually to Be in Love with Potential
At this stage in my life, I'm intentionally using the word "love" less and less. As I am learning more about what the word means and what it requires, I find it to be pretty sacred. That's why I'm trying to get away from (for instance) saying I love my godchildren and I love rocky road ice cream. My godbabies deserve more honor than that. And don't even get me started on the phrase "in love" and how much it's abused. A part of the reason why I wrote the articles "Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Differences", "Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?" and "5 Signs That You're In Love (All By Yourself)" is because to be "in love" with someone means that another person is actually on the same page with you—they have the same kind of feelings, they are in the same type of relationship and, for the most part, you both have the same type of relational goals and expectations. The word "in" literally means "in or into some place, position, state, relation, etc." while "with" means "accompanied by; accompanying", so no…you cannot actually be in love with someone without them being in love with you as well.
Do you see where this is going? If you actually keep what being in love means and you already know that potential speaks to "feasible but less than probable", not "real" or "existing now", how can you possibly be in love with potential? Isn't that basically like being in love with an imaginary friend? Sure, you might've been able to create something in your mind but, at the end of the day, it doesn't exist. And since it doesn't exist, it's impossible for it to be "in" or "with" you at all. IT'S. NOT. REAL.
There is one man, in particular, from my past who I totally wasted my time on. Yes, wasted. I hate it when people try and rationalize poor choices by saying that nothing is a waste of time. You can very much so make decisions that "consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return"—and this guy is a perfect example of that. It's not that he was the devil incarnate. Not even close. He had some traits that were truly wonderful; that is a real fact. Yet what I made the mistake of doing was allowing those qualities to override all of the bullshishery that he put on display, time and time again, too. I thought that, because he had some exceptional traits that they would—should and could—cancel out all of the red flags. I wholeheartedly believed that his good qualities had the potential to do so.
Hmph. After 15-plus years of knowing this brotha, the good is still good; the red flags are still flapping away. At one point, I was putting heartfelt emotions, precious time and even some of my resources into both—the real and the potential—all the while believing that my love would make him want to become a better man.
Nothing can make a man become better other than him choosing to do so (same thing goes for women). Love may inspire someone to want to change but it doesn't automatically happen unless they want it to.
Unfortunately, a lot of women refuse to believe and/or accept this. Instead, they live in what I call "mirage love". When a person is super thirsty in a desert, they can create a mirage (something illusory, without substance or reality) that there is water when there actually isn't. When a woman is so desirous for a man to become what she has created in her imagination, she can confuse potential with what actually exists—and she'll keep doing that until she realizes that what she's holding onto is all in her head. If she doesn't wake up to this reality, yes, she is totally wasting her time. The guy isn't the waste of time. Her holding onto what isn't real is.
The actual guy? Everyone's lines of tolerance are different. So, at least for today, I'm not going to get into if the ACTUAL MAN you are choosing to love is worth the investment. What I will say is the more we love ourselves, the more our standards tend to rise. What I will also say is if you are going to bestow anyone with something as sweet, special and wonderful as your love, at least make sure you're giving it to something that is real…and potential ain't.
I already know. Just like some people in the desert will swear there is a pool of water that is 10 feet away from them, some women will not budge on believing that loving the potential of a man is a good and beneficial thing. Yet for the ladies reading this who feel like they are stuck in a relationship—or situationship—to the point that it is draining everything out of them…take a moment to ask yourself if any of what I just said resonated. Ponder over the fact that you could be like a person who is boxing the air; that you are someone who loves potential…something that doesn't truly exist.
If that is you, the good news is there's no time like the present to stop. While ole' boy is out here being and doing whatever he is actually being and doing, what is real is you and who you can really love is yourself. Bottom line, being in love is defined as being in something real with someone else. Potential makes that impossible. And that's the God honest truth, y'all. All facts. No fiction.
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RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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