What If You Love Someone You Can't Have?
A movie that I have watched, so many times that I've totally lost count at this point, is (wow) 11 years old now. It's the romantic comedy called Definitely, Maybe, starring Ryan Reynolds, Abigail Breslin, Isla Fisher and a host of other folks. If you've never seen it before, it's about a man by the name of Will (Ryan plays him) who is going through a divorce. His daughter Maya (played by Abigail) has all sorts of questions about his love life. As he walks her through his journey (totally in a PG fashion), a recurring character that keeps coming up is April (played by Isla).
If for some reason you decide to watch the movie for the first time at some point, I won't give the ending away. What I will say is I think that a part of the reason why I like the film so much is because it speaks to the old adage "timing is everything"—or, as my mother used to oftentimes say, "the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing". When it comes to what we'll be talking about here today, it is oh so true that sometimes we love someone we can't have…right now. Maybe they don't see us the way that we see them—yet. Maybe there are some life experiences that both they and we need to have before crossing paths in a romantic way. Perhaps, while we may be "in the same book" with someone, we're not exactly in the same chapter, let alone on the same page. Again…yet. In these instances, sometimes all we need to get to our happy ending is time which requires faith and patience.
Yeah, that's not exactly what this article is about, though. What I'm talking about is what you should do if you love someone that the Universe is giving you all sorts of pushback on. Maybe they're married or in a serious relationship. Maybe the feelings are there, but you don't truly complement each other. Or maybe, you're "All Alone in Love" like Mariah used to single about (check out "5 Signs That You're In Love (All By Yourself)" when you get a chance). When this is what's going on, how do you 1) live through it and 2) get past it? Girrrl. Girl.
Ask Yourself If It’s Truly Love That You’re Feeling
If you're currently single and you desire marriage or a long-term relationship, what do you want the love that you share with that person to feel like? Shoot, to be like? Because I am passionate person, back when I was dating, sexing and situationship-ing, I must admit that I was a bit more interested in being led by desire than what motivates me now—feeling safe. Don't get me wrong, lust (which means sexual desire) has its place. My problem was that I put it before love and, when that is the case, things can go real left, real quick.
After detoxing some toxic family patterns, unhealthy friendships and cray-cray relationships with men, I realized that if something doesn't feel safe—"secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk"—something isn't right. Something ain't the all-the-way-kind-of-love that I'm deserving of.
Just think about it. If you have a child, don't you want them to feel safe in your love? Your friends—don't you want them to feel safe in your love? Someone who believes that you love them, don't you want them to also feel safe? God loves us. Do you feel safe or unsafe knowing that?
Unfortunately, at least to me, the word "love" is tossed around so much—"I love ice cream", "I love red bottoms" and "Oh yeah, I love my husband too"—that a lot of us don't give love the kind of honor that it truly deserves.
That said, if you do indeed love someone who you can't have, in the process of feeling what you feel, is "safe" a word that can honestly be used to the relationship—mutually so? If not, if the situation exposes you to harm or danger or it involves a lot of risk (even if it's just emotional risk), I'm not saying that you're not feeling something; I'm just saying that love may not be exactly what it is. Love covers. Love protects. Love is safe. It's as deep and simple as that.
Get Real with Yourself About the Circumstances
If you've read enough of my relationship articles on the site, you know that I'm good for putting a throwback song into the mix. One that is pretty fitting right here is Shirley Murdock's "Husband". Actually, Shirley Murdock's "Husband", "As We Lay" (which she actually isn't all that thrilled to perform; see why here), and Kelly Price's remake of "As We Lay" where, in the video, Shirley plays Kelly's mom and says, "I know you think that you love this man, but God is not going to give you somebody else's husband." (For the record, she doesn't say you can't be with him; she said God won't be involved in the situation. That is key.)
I'm pretty sure most of you are familiar with at least one of the versions of "As We Lay", but if you don't recall "Husband", peep a part of the second verse: "You satisfied a real desire in me/Without apologies, I still have those needs/Well, I'm a lady with class, and I know my desire will pass/This cannot occur because you are her husband". I have shared before that once upon a time, I was a wedding planner who had the nerve to sleep with the groom-to-be (lowdown I know, yes she found out; they still went through with it, but they are divorced now). As a marriage life coach, I've also dealt with infidelity quite a bit and yes, sometimes people do profess to be in love with the person they are cheating with. I even know a couple who divorced their spouses, married their "side person" and have been together for well over two decades now (that is an exception and not the norm, by the way).
But to all of this, what I will say is, trust tends to be significantly and oftentimes irrevocably broken when two people come together via cheating. It is very hard to ignore the fact that if someone will cheat on their partner with you, it is very likely that they will do the same thing on you later down the road. And honestly, to want someone so badly that you don't care about that fact, that also begs the question if you're "in love" so much as you're bordering on obsession because real love doesn't require that you lose yourself in order to obtain it.
So yeah, if you love someone you can't have because they are currently with someone else, get real about if you are so consumed by them that you will not love your own self, just to be with them. If the answer is "yes", sis, the last thing that you need is that guy. What you need is to practice some self-love so that you can see what you are worthy of; and sometimes, that is the furthest thing from what you (currently) want.
Fun fact about "As We Lay": If you ever wondered what it would be like for these two sangin' powerhouses to come together, Shirley and Kelly performed "As We Lay" some years ago at the Essence Festival. You can peep it here.
Are There Red Flags That You’re Ignoring?
Once upon a time, there was a man who I loved so much that I looked over all sorts of red flags. His commitment-phobia. His unhealed childhood sexual abuse. How he would talk to me about other women (it wasn't derogatory, but it was pretty dismissive). His emotional unavailability and, to a certain degree, immaturity. I loved him so much that, in my mind, I thought that I could "love those things away" when, the reality is that, sometimes all you can do is support someone as they go through the process of fixing themselves via therapy, healing and the conscious desire to want to break free from certain patterns.
Sometimes, we want someone so badly that we overlook all of the reasons why we actually don't need to have them in our lives—at least, not in the way that we want them to be. Sometimes, if we're really and truly honest with ourselves, the "can't have them" is about all of the red flags that are trying to tell us, "I know you think this is what you want, but I promise you that it isn't."
What red flags are you ignoring? If you really can't see them, ask your friends about the red flags they may be noticing. Red means stop. Don't take that lightly.
How Has the Universe Been Working AGAINST What You Want?
There's another guy in my world who, although I didn't initially know it at the time that we met, he was in a long-term relationship. We worked together (which is how an overwhelming amount of emotional affairs get started) and so, eventually, I developed a pretty serious crush. By the time that I did find out that he was with someone—yes, feel free to insert some side-eye there because him not saying it from the jump was indeed shady on his part—I had already caught feelings. Feelings to the point where I was pretty irritated with God (what, you ain't never been there before?). I was irritated because, after finding out that we knew some of the same people and had shared similar life experiences well before meeting up and also well before he got with someone, I thought that the Lord was playing some sort of cruel prank or cosmic joke. Because, in my mind, this man was absolutely perfect for me.
That is until, after about six months of griping, I heard God say to me, "Shellie, if I wanted you to meet him when he was available, you would have. Being your man is not the purpose that he is to serve in your life." God was so right (duh). As I got to know this guy more and as I've discovered more about myself, he serves a purpose; just not a romantic one.
And trust me, coming to that realization has been a real lifesaver and totally a good thing. Not all connections or intimacies are meant to be romantic or sexualized. Sometimes, until we get—and accept—that reality, the Universe will do all sorts of things to put stumbling blocks in our way. For me, it was waiting for time to reveal.
So yeah, sis. If you love someone who you can't have, ask yourself why can't you? If it's due to their relational status, y'all's location or some other sort of circumstances, rather than breaking your neck to try and make "it" happen anyway, have you ever considered that God loves you enough to prevent it from going any further? And that is a blessing—even if right now it is a blessing in disguise.
What’s Preventing You from Moving On?
Even though mama used to say that there is no such thing as "can't", if trying to be with someone is costing you your principles, your self-worth or even if it's just totally wasting your time, sometimes "can't" should apply. You simply cannot remain emotionally invested in someone who either isn't right for you or, through his actions (or lack thereof), is showing that he doesn't want you because you're so much better than that.
If you're not yet at this point and place, ask yourself why not. Are you not accepting reality for what it is? Are the two of you sexually involved and you're honestly ad-dick-ted? Are you hoping that if you wait long enough, the circumstances that are keeping the two of you from being apart will change…even though his actions are clearly indicating that he has no problem with things remaining just as they are? Do you believe that you will never love someone the way that you love him? Are you afraid that this is the best that it's gonna get?
I had to learn the long and hard way that someone who truly loves me will value my time. A man who has no problem wasting it, he doesn't love me as much as I deserve to be loved. If the "can't have situation" that you are currently in is dragging along, you should ask yourself if waiting even longer is more or less painful than sucking it up and moving on, so that you can get to someone who will value every moment that he has with you—and will act accordingly because of it.
Do You Really Not Believe That There’s Better Out There for You?
Now that all of this information has been presented to you, if you still want to hang on, really, what is that all about? It took me a long time to get to the point and place that I'm about to share with you but, you deserve the kind of love that you are willing to give but aren't receiving in return. And here's the thing about that—if he felt the same way, he'd be making moves to figure that out as well. Here's one more thing about that—if he's married, you shouldn't want him to ditch his wife for you; he took sacred vows. Again, if he can dismiss her, he's showing you that it's not outside of his character to do the same thing to you too.
Something that the loving-someone-I-can't-have experience has taught me is the extreme importance that comes with guarding my heart so that the gift of my love isn't given without seeing if mutuality and reciprocity are even on the table first.
If it's not, no matter how awesome a man may be, he needs to be "filed away" as being something else. That way, my heart is healthy and whole for a man who I can love that I can have. A man who is single, ready and emotionally available to loving me in return. Because that's the kind of love that I deserve—one that will instead of, well, can't.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why We Love Men Who Are Absolutely No Good For Us
Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You
You Can't Sex It Away: A D*ck Appointment Is Not An Antidepressant
One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material
Feature image of model Asha Childs by Unsplash
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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From Toxic Traits To Transformative Growth: Understanding Evolved Vs. Unevolved Zodiac Signs
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Have you ever heard someone talk about a certain zodiac sign and wondered why your experience of that particular sign has been completely different? We have all heard about the notorious Gemini Man or Virgo Man being a difficult partner to have in love, but does this apply to all Geminis and all Virgos? Well, this is where the discussion of evolved signs vs. unevolved signs comes in. It’s the idea that, while some toxic or challenging traits are more prevalent in certain signs, it also depends on the individual at hand and on whether or not they have evolved in life.
Evolved vs. Unevolved Signs: A Guide
Astrology is life-changing not only because it allows you to learn more about yourself, but it also allows you to see certain behaviors or traits in yourself, and change them if you are not happy with the way they manifest in your life. To be evolved means to learn and develop. In order to tell whether you are dealing with an evolved sign or an unevolved sign, look at the way they navigate their strengths and weaknesses. We are all predisposed to certain behaviors aligned with our zodiac sign; it’s how you grow from your experiences rather than what you accept as a defining characteristic of who you are.
Evolved signs have done the inner work, unevolved signs make excuses for their behavior.
When we are talking about evolved zodiac signs, we are talking about the Virgo who appreciates progress more than perfection, the Libra who trusts that they can stick to a decision rather than accepting they are incapable of making the best one, and the Aries who takes intentional action rather than an impulsive one. It’s those people you meet and they make you change your perspective on a certain sign you may have had a negative experience with in the past. An unevolved sign, however, is the Aquarius who isolates rather than expresses how they are feeling, the Scorpio who lets their jealousy get the best of them rather than trusting their connections, and the Leo who puts their ego before anything else.
The good news is that if you feel you are living a more unevolved version of your zodiac sign, you can change this by first addressing where you may be self-sabotaging, and where you can highlight more of your strengths. Healing from past traumas, seeking a therapist or astrologer, or overall making your well-being more of a priority all will benefit. When you are feeling good within, you attract more experiences to you to where you can be that evolved version of yourself rather than entertain old habits or ways of relating that don’t serve you.
It takes work, but the more you tap into the evolved version of yourself and strengthen this part of you, the less you will revert to your old ways or attract those same types of toxic or unevolved people towards you.
So, how do you know which side of the coin you are dealing with or are yourself? Read below to find out more about the traits and characteristics of the evolved vs. unevolved signs of the zodiac.
EVOLVED ARIES
- Confident
- Methodical
- Disciplined
- Leader
- Energetic
UNEVOLVED ARIES
- Aggressive
- Short-tempered
- Reckless
- Arrogant
- Impulsive
You’ll know whether you are dealing with an evolved Aries versus an unevolved Aries through the way they communicate and approach others. If they are confident and encouraging, you are dealing with an evolved Aries who is comfortable with who they are but also doesn't feel the need to force their energy on you. Unevolved Aries will make you take a step back, evolved Aries will make you want more. Aries’ strengths are that they are bold and assertive, but an unevolved Aries tends to create more disagreements or challenges with others in the process.
EVOLVED TAURUS
- Abundance-mindset
- Grounded
- Generous
- Compassionate
- Trustworthy
UNEVOLVED TAURUS
- Materialistic
- Stubborn
- Lazy
- Vengeful
- Envious
An evolved Taurus versus an unevolved Taurus can be differentiated by the person who has stability or who has goals in life that they share with you and are working towards. The unevolved Taurus you will most likely find on the couch, demanding that you give them what they need at the same time. Unevolved Tauruses tend to show traits of envy or jealousy when you are explaining a recent win to them. An evolved Taurus will be the first person you want to go to with the good news, and they are a big support and secure person to their loved ones.
EVOLVED GEMINI
- Communicative
- Curious
- Creative
- Innovative
- Fun
UNEVOLVED GEMINI
- Confusing
- Chaotic
- Disorganized
- Bored
- Unpredictable
An evolved Gemini will have you feeling understood, heard, and inspired. They are fun and light-hearted people to be around. An unevolved Gemini will have you questioning them, life, and everything in between- and will create unneeded chaos in your life. Unevolved Geminis are notorious for being unavailable and disloyal in relationships, and you can tell the difference between whether they are evolved or not by what they do when they are bored. Do your Gemini create or connect, or do they do something destructive, leaving you feeling a deep sense of distrust around them?
EVOLVED CANCER
- Compassionate
- Nostalgic
- Supportive
- Nourishing
- Protective
UNEVOLVED CANCER
- Moody
- Holds a grudge
- Pessimistic
- Manipulative
- Clingy
An evolved Cancer leaves you feeling supported, nourished, and loved. An unevolved Cancer may make you feel the same way, but will be hot and cold on when and how they show it. An evolved Cancer will be your go-to and someone you can trust with basically anything. An unevolved Cancer, however, you will steer away from and not want to express yourself to them for fear of them making things worse. Evolved Cancers understand their emotions, unevolved Cancers let their emotions get the best of them.
EVOLVED LEO
- Self-confident
- Passionate
- Generous
- Motivating
- Kind-hearted
UNEVOLVED LEO
- Entitled
- Angry
- Selfish
- Controlling
- Dramatic
Evolved Leo has an evolved ego. They have a strong sense of self, they know who they are and what they want, but they don’t let that get in the way of how they treat others. Unevolved Leos command the room in a way where you are looking at them in shock rather than in awe. Unevolved Leos think the world revolves around them, evolved Leos think the same thing but also want other people to be in that world or think the same thing about themselves as well. Evolved Leos are like the Sun, and you will feel enlivened in their presence.
EVOLVED VIRGO
- Organized
- Caring
- Down-to-Earth
- Inspiring
- Helpful
UNEVOLVED VIRGO
- Perfectionist
- Overly critical
- Resentful
- Anxious
- Cynical
The easiest way to tell the difference between an evolved Virgo and an unevolved Virgo is the way they make you feel. If they make you feel inspired and like you can accomplish or experience great things, you are dealing with an evolved Virgo. If they are overly critical of everything you do, you are dealing with an unevolved Virgo. Evolved Virgos help you grow, unevolved Virgos tend to make you feel incapable of that. Evolved Virgos can laugh off or let go of the little things, unevolved Virgos will get caught up in them.
EVOLVED LIBRA
- Relationship-oriented
- Balanced
- Charming
- Diplomatic
- Fair
UNEVOLVED LIBRA
- Codependent
- People-pleaser
- Flaky
- Indecisive
- Dishonest
Evolved Libras make some of the best partners, friends, and confidants. Unevolved Libras make some of the hardest of the above to maintain. The difference between the two is the Libra's ability to find the balance between their needs and the needs of others. Libras are relationship-oriented people, but unevolved Libras tend to let this trait get the best of them and will be in and out of relationships and never really settle down to figure out what they truly want and need. Evolved Libras love, but will not sacrifice their sense of self in the process.
EVOLVED SCORPIO
- Passionate
- Mysterious
- Intuitive
- Transformative
- Resilient
UNEVOLVED SCORPIO
- Obsessive
- Secretive
- Reclusive
- Destructive
- Ruthless
The difference between an evolved Scorpio and an unevolved Scorpio is their ability to let go. Evolved Scorpios have learned from their past and have made their life better in the process. Unevolved Scorpios hold onto a lot of resentments and often cause themselves or others emotional turmoil. Evolved Scorpios can let people in and make some of the most loyal, protective, and supportive partners. Unevolved Scorpios tend to be very distrustful of others and have a hard time letting go of control in any way or letting people get close to their inner world.
EVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Outgoing
- Optimistic
- Spiritual
- Adventurous
- Genuine
UNEVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Dramatic
- Brash
- Superiority-complex
- Unreliable
- Careless
The evolved Sagittarius are inspiring, optimistic, and hopeful. The unevolved Sagittarius is just about the complete opposite of that. Evolved Sagittariuses have learned to fuel their adventurous spirit with intentional action rather than recklessness, and are there for their loved ones rather than leaving people hanging or being unreliable. Unevolved Sagittariuses can be very rude and aggressive and will mask this behavior with humor. They can be very harsh, rather than the evolved Sagittarius who is still outgoing, but is also genuine and confident and aligned with their highest self.
EVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Hard-working
- Loyal
- Stable
- Sensible
- Ambitious
UNEVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Workaholic
- Unforgiving
- Rigid
- Stubborn
- Dominating
When you are looking at an evolved Capricorn, you find yourself in the presence of someone loyal, hardworking, and down-to-earth. An unevolved Capricorn can be judgemental and cold, with only their personal goals in mind. Unevolved Capricorns seem to be stuck in the same place in life, and unmoving in what they believe is best for them. Evolved Capricorns are open to feedback and are flexible enough to figure out what is truly best for them, to explore, and to allow someone else to lead them at times. Evolved Capricorns are responsible and productive but take care of their well-being in the process.
EVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Freedom-oriented
- Logical
- Friendly
- Open-minded
- Outgoing
UNEVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Distant
- Cold
- Disloyal
- Detached
- Superiority-complex
Evolved Aquarius and unevolved Aquarius are mirrors of each other. The evolved version of Aquarius is friendly, open-minded, and supportive of not only themselves but of others as well. The unevolved version of Aquarius can be quite distant and detached from their relationships and life altogether and can be hard for people to get close to. Evolved Aquariuses value their independence, but don't use escapist behavior as an excuse for their actions. Unevolved Aquariuses will leave someone on read for months instead of just telling someone how they feel.
EVOLVED PISCES
- Loving
- Intuitive
- Compassionate
- Creative
- Romantic
UNEVOLVED PISCES
- Consuming
- Escapist
- Moody
- Distant
- Unrealistic
Evolved Pisces are the artists, muses, lovers, and dreamers. Unevolved Pisces may have that same creative energy but tend to wear rose-colored glasses that get them into trouble in the process. Pisces are hard to grasp in the first place with their fluid, mutable nature, but an unevolved Pisces will make that distance feel like miles. Unevolved Pisces can get pretty messy and will act out on their emotions without getting the full picture or giving themselves time to sort things through. Evolved Pisces on the other hand, let their emotions inspire them and know how to step into their true power.
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