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3 Ways To Avoid Falling For Potential In A Man

Dating

Being head-over-heels for a guy during the honeymoon phase can have you feeling like he could really be the one. It's in the early phase of dating or getting in a new relationship where we're focusing on security, intimacy, trust, friendship, and communication--while sometimes ignoring the important signs of bae not really wanting the long-term commitment you're hoping to get.

When we're at a point that we prioritize our partner, we tend to want to focus on the best parts of them. However, this could lead us to immediately ignoring red flags like him being emotionally unavailable, manipulative, or a player. This is known as falling for potential.

Falling in love with potential is seeing the relationship develop into a more committed romance without any real assurance or guarantee that this will eventually happen. Here are some ways to avoid getting wrapped up in who a man can become and accepting the fact that who he is might not be who you need.

Evaluate where the relationship or situation is today.

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In my past relationship, I now know that I was falling for a man's future-self instead of his present-self because I kept feeling the need to fix him in order to create the reality I wanted. I wanted my boyfriend to be more affectionate, take me out on dates, and be more committed to me. But when "eventually" came (or when I became fed up), he never came around to doing any of those things. I gave a lot of time and money to my ex, defended his actions to my friends (sorry besties), and became emotionally invested as if every good action I did would get him one step closer to taking our relationship seriously.

Wishing for him to be that future guy I envisioned him to be or that he would change back to the old him made it easier to fall in love with the man he could be instead of accepting him for the boyfriend he currently is.

I once heard a saying, "Men fall in love with who a woman is. Women fall in love with who a man can become," and it really hit me. Once I was able to view the person I was with at that time for who he really was, I realized that this situation was no longer serving me. Ask yourself if where you're currently at in your relationship is still worth the wait based on who he is today.

Avoid making conditional situations.

"If he makes time for me, then I'll give him another chance. If I cut him off too soon, then I might miss out on him wanting to see me. If I entertain him a little longer, then he'll come around into wanting to be with me."

If-then statements keep us thinking about future scenarios that may or may not happen, instead of focusing on what's currently going on. The result of you constantly asking a guy to meet you where you're at emotionally is you become more accustomed to making the most sacrifices in the relationship and putting your feelings second.

Cut the if-then statements and focus on the conversations and actions that's he currently into now. The only if-then that should be weighed is, "If he's not making me a priority, then he's treating me like I'm an option."

Let go of your need to change him.

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When you find yourself wanting to change a man into the person you want him to be, it shows that either you're too focused on him instead of yourself or you can't accept him for who he is today. Wanting him to be a better man by constantly asking him to do the same thing over and over again is also indicating that you can't find happiness between the two of you until he can begin doing what was asked of him the first 100 times.

You can learn to deal with things you can't control by letting go of your need to change a man. This was especially difficult for me to understand in my past relationship--I knew that he was capable of being more conversational, outgoing, and family-oriented, but I couldn't stand the thought of him not wanting those things at the same time I wanted them. So I had to learn to let go of my vision of where we could be and fully accept him.

Becoming emotionally invested before understanding his intentions can lead us to be on different pages in our relationships. Truth be told, it's selfish and emotionally harmful to think a guy needs to hurry up and be just as ready as we are if he's clearly not there.

So how can we decipher between someone who's not yet ready and someone who will never be ready? The best way is to have those honest conversations and watch his habits. If you have to nag or plead your man to do certain things, then that's a sign that you both aren't on the same page. If he's able to express how he feels instead of getting frustrated at the thought of getting married, he could be worth your time. A man who wants to be with you in a committed way will voluntarily show it without you forcing him!

Want to know the 3 secrets to getting a man to take you seriously? Download your FREE guide here!

Featured image by Shutterstock

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Before she was Amira Unplugged, rapper, singer, and a Becoming a Popstar contestant on MTV, she was Amira Daughtery, a twenty-five year-old Georgian, with aspirations of becoming a lawyer. “I thought my career path was going to lead me to law because that’s the way I thought I would help people,” Amira tells xoNecole. “[But] I always came back to music.”

A music lover since childhood, Amira grew up in an artistic household where passion for music was emphasized. “My dad has always been my huge inspiration for music because he’s a musician himself and is so passionate about the history of music.” Amira’s also dealt with deafness in one ear since she was a toddler, a condition which she says only makes her more “intentional” about the music she makes, to ensure that what she hears inside her head can translate the way she wants it to for audiences.

“The loss of hearing means a person can’t experience music in the conventional way,” she says. “I’ve always responded to bigger, bolder anthemic songs because I can feel them [the vibrations] in my body, and I want to be sure my music does this for deaf/HOH people and everyone.”

A Black woman wearing a black hijab and black and gold dress stands in between two men who are both wearing black pants and colorful jackets and necklaces

Amira Unplugged and other contestants on Becoming a Popstar

Amira Unplugged / MTV

In order to lift people’s spirits at the beginning of the pandemic, Amira began posting videos on TikTok of herself singing and using sign language so her music could reach her deaf fans as well. She was surprised by how quickly she was able to amass a large audience. It was through her videos that she caught the attention of a talent scout for MTV’s new music competition show for rising TikTok singers, Becoming a Popstar. After a three-month process, Amira was one of those picked to be a contestant on the show.

Becoming a Popstar, as Amira describes, is different from other music competition shows we’ve all come to know over the years. “Well, first of all, it’s all original music. There’s not a single cover,” she says. “We have to write these songs in like a day or two and then meet with our producers, meet with our directors. Every week, we are producing a full project for people to vote on and decide if they’d listen to it on the radio.”

To make sure her deaf/HOH audiences can feel her songs, she makes sure to “add more bass, guitar, and violin in unique patterns.” She also incorporates “higher pitch sounds with like chimes, bells, and piccolo,” because, she says, they’re easier to feel. “But it’s less about the kind of instrument and more about how I arrange the pattern of the song. Everything I do is to create an atmosphere, a sensation, to make my music a multi-sensory experience.”

She says that working alongside the judges–pop stars Joe Jonas and Becky G, and choreographer Sean Bankhead – has helped expand her artistry. “Joe was really more about the vocal quality and the timber and Becky was really about the passion of [the song] and being convinced this was something you believed in,” she says. “And what was really great about [our choreographer] Sean is that obviously he’s a choreographer to the stars – Lil Nas X, Normani – but he didn’t only focus on choreo, he focused on stage presence, he focused on the overall message of the song. And I think all those critiques week to week helped us hone in on what we wanted to be saying with our next song.”

As her star rises, it’s been both her Muslim faith and her friends, whom she calls “The Glasses Gang” (“because none of us can see!”), that continue to ground her. “The Muslim and the Muslima community have really gone hard [supporting me] and all these people have come together and I truly appreciate them,” Amira says. “I have just been flooded with DMs and emails and texts from [young muslim kids] people who have just been so inspired,” she says. “People who have said they have never seen anything like this, that I embody a lot of the style that they wanted to see and that the message hit them, which is really the most important thing to me.”

A Black woman wears a long, salmon pink hijab, black outfit and pink boots, smiling down at the camera with her arm outstretched to it.

Amira Unplugged

Amira Unplugged / MTV

Throughout the show’s production, she was able to continue to uphold her faith practices with the help of the crew, such as making sure her food was halal, having time to pray, dressing modestly, and working with female choreographers. “If people can accept this, can learn, and can grow, and bring more people into the fold of this industry, then I’m making a real difference,” she says.

Though she didn’t win the competition, this is only the beginning for Amira. Whether it’s on Becoming a Popstar or her videos online, Amira has made it clear she has no plans on going anywhere but up. “I’m so excited that I’ve gotten this opportunity because this is really, truly what I think I’m meant to do.”

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