Dear DV:
After five years, I have finally landed my dream job (salary included!). I am super excited because it has given me the opportunity to finally become a homeowner. It seems as if my life is finally coming together. Recently, I met a man that I think I may be falling in love with but there's only one problem. He's broke, he has no job and no working car. He has big dreams and I understand he's trying to figure it out. My mind (and my girls) are telling me to walk away but my heart is telling me to give it a try.
- Signed, In Love With Potential
As a woman, I commend you for finally being able to pursue your dreams. In the beginning stages of my career, I wasn't as fortunate as you were. I was a single mother working full-time and still had to make time to pursue my dreams. My life was far from easy but because I didn't have a backup plan, I had no choice but to figure it out. I share this because the man you have fallen in love with may be in a similar position. Perhaps, he's trying to figure it out.
I wouldn't discount it just because he's not perfect on paper.
Related: Dating a Man Who Lived Long Distance With No Job, No House, & a Kid Was the Best Decision of My Life
In my book Going The Distance For Love, I share with my readers the importance of not being afraid to reevaluate your checklist. You never know what you could be missing out on by holding yourself hostage to a list that may or may not even be realistic (remember the show What Chilli Wants?). Before you decide if you want to fully pursue this relationship, consider the following things:
Cream Rises To The Top!
Everyone has dreams but the real question is, does he have potential? Potential is defined as having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future. I also believe that women have a sixth sense and you have to learn to listen to your inner voice. We can see the signs of potential because it is more than just talking a good game.
What's The Plan?
Any man can have a plan but does your man have a plan of action? Is he focused? Has he shared the steps he is taking to realize his dreams? Does his plans include more than your support and possibly your money?
Walk It Like I Talk It
Hard work and preparation always lead to opportunity. The laws of attraction and reciprocity are real, so if he displays these qualities, then I think it's worth holding onto the relationship. This goes back to reevaluating your checklist. Are your top priorities for the man of your dreams that he make 6+ figures, is already established, and has zero debt, or is it at the top of your list that he treats you like a queen, is patient and supportive of the woman that you, and he is committed to his spiritual relationship and growth?
Related: Dating for Potential & When to Say When
Life is a journey and it doesn't always go as planned, so ignore the noise, the naysayers (yes, even your girlfriends and your mom) and trust the process. You will be so glad that you did.
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Okay, you have had your "to the left moment." You've cried your eyes out, used every tissue in the box, and listened to every Keyshia Cole and Mary J. Blige break-up song you could find on Tidal. You've burned all the memoirs he left in your house, at work, and in your car. As far as social media is concerned, you've deleted every post that even mentioned his name and now, you're ready to finally get up and move the hell on.
After all the months of heartache and turmoil, you are finally ready to take back control over your life. It's time to show the world you are not a product of your situation.
While going through this breakup, it is important to understand the typical behavioral patterns of men when it comes to love so that you can brace yourself for what may come. Most men are incapable of being alone so the minute your relationship ends, he either already has another chick on the side or he will quickly find someone to replace you with.
Learn how to be okay with that.
That doesn't mean that he did not care about you, but in order for him to protect his feelings and maintain his machismo, you will be quickly replaced. Do not allow this to upset you and just start preparing for your own Classy Clapback by doing the following:
Clear the cloud
Immediately delete all of his contact information from all devices and block him on all social media platforms so that you cannot tempt yourself to see how he's doing.
Break up with everybody
Kiss his momma, sister, cousins, and best friend goodbye as well. I know that might sound harsh but you need to do whatever you need to do in order to protect your own emotional well-being. Trust me…he will do the same.
Work it out
If you've slaked off, get back in the gym because it will help you to release the endorphins associated with a broken heart and you will be inspired to look your best.
Reconnect
Reconnect with the girlfriends you put on the back burner once you fell in love. It happens and good girlfriends are always there when you come back.
Back like you never left
Start dating again as quickly as possible. It's not about how you feel but it's more so about getting back into the dating game. You do not have to even be that interested in the guy, but start dating before you let your sadness turn into depression over your last breakup.
The first one who calls or texts loses
Under no circumstances do you contact him or do things to make him notice you in any way. Get back to living your best life and I promise he will notice you…the streets are always watching.
xo,
Your Favorite Valentine
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When a man is ready to commit, he will commit. It's probably the best piece of advice my mom could have ever given me as a woman. Did I listen right away? Of course not. Was she right? Absolutely. But like most women, I was convinced that I had what it took to make a man settle down.
I had the looks, I was educated, successful, and owned my own shit but no matter how great I thought I was, when a man wasn't ready to settle down, he just wasn't ready.
When I first read your question, I completely related to you.
Every woman wants a happily ever after and if you're a woman who doesn't, it is probably because you are in denial and masking your disappointments in love as a rejection to the idea of love itself. So trust me, I get it. Unfortunately, I have to agree with your boyfriend and say there is no rush. If your boyfriend isn't ready to be a husband, don't try to force him. When a man is ready to commit to marriage, he will prove it to you once he decides he wants to spend his life with you.
So many of my clients have chosen to give their men ultimatums and ultimatums rarely work, especially with a man because you cannot change anyone (including your man).
However, it is really important that you are very clear about what your expectations are and not waiver on them.
When I first started dating my husband, I was a single mother and I told him immediately that I was an all or nothing kind of chick and I meant it. Any decision your boyfriend makes out of desperation of losing you is likely only going to be temporary and when you sign up for marriage, you are signing up for "death til us part." When you pledge your life to someone for forever, just remember that forever is a really long time in comparison to the 5.5 years the two of you have been together.
The real lesson for you is to ask yourself, are you doing all of the things that you think a wife should be doing?
These things include but are not limited to the following:
Do You Live Together?
I have an unpopular opinion about cohabiting with your significant other before marriage so if you two are living together, I suggest you consider moving out. Your boyfriend doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of having a wife until he puts a ring on it and living together is one of those benefits.
Do You Perform Wife Duties?
There is no need to cook every meal for him, keep his house clean, do his laundry, take care of his business, tend to his mother's needs, and play stepmom to any children that he may already have. If he's asking you to do these things, consider renegotiating this mess you've gotten yourself into. Let him understand the difference between having a girlfriend versus having a wife. If you start to pull back, he will feel it and likely immediately step up.
Do You Share Expenses?
Once again, you should not be allowing any man to depend on you in any capacity until the day you say "I do" and even then, I have my thoughts. I once had a girlfriend who gave her man access to her bank account and one day, he took every penny from her and never looked back. Don't be that girl.
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it's time for you to fall back and perhaps that includes falling back in love with yourself because sometimes we forget to love ourselves above anyone else and that includes the man you are in love with. I believe that we are all single until we are married and I do not care how long you have been in a committed relationship.
If you answered "no" to all of these questions, just be patient. Your time will come and rushing it will only put more stress on you and your partner.
xo,
Your Favorite Valentine
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