While I'm pretty sure that all of us get the gist of what body language is, if you're looking for a way to easily define it, it's when you use your mannerisms and expressions (including one's tone) to communicate with other people. Although it's been said for many years that 90 percent of communication is non-verbal, more studies are revealing that it is somewhere around 60-70 percent. Either way, what we do know for sure is, when it comes to how people respond and react to how you engage them, your body language plays a really significant role.
This definitely is the case when it comes to intimate relationships. That's why I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 15 different kinds of body language that might be sending up smoke signals that your connection with your partner isn't quite where it needs to be — whether you (or they) realize you are sending the message or not. Because the reality is, some body language is more subconscious than anything. That doesn't make it any less relevant, though. You ready to see what's up? Let's do this.
1. One of You Is Walking Ahead of the Other
Something that bothers me to no end is when two people who are clearly a couple are walking yet one is way ahead of the other. While no one has to constantly act like they are in a rom-com and hold hands everywhere they go, not walking in sync tends to imply one of two things — either there's a real disconnect between the two or one trying to passive aggressively prove who's in charge; not just to their partner but to the public too. Either way, it ain't a good look and it's definitely not something that should be seen as not that big of a deal.
2. Someone’s Body Is Facing the Other Direction in Conversation
It's pretty much a given that if someone is rolling their eyes or doing a lot of sighing while their partner is talking, it's a sign that they are disinterested in what is being said or that they are triggered on some level. Yet did you know that if your body is facing away from your partner during a conversation, it basically means the same thing? When we feel close and connected to someone, we naturally tend to face towards them — face, legs, chair, everything — because we want to be in their energy. When there is a disconnection of some sort, we will naturally turn away; kind of like a form of "walling up". Hard to reach someone if you've got to "scale their walls" first.
3. The Left Hand Is in Constant Use (When You Aren’t Left-Handed)
If you're one of the 10 percent of people who are left-handed, this doesn't (necessarily) apply to you. For the rest of us, when's the last time you tried to write anything with your left hand? It was uncomfortable, right? Same point applies when you gesture with your left hand a lot. What it signifies is you're uncomfortable with the topic or what is being said; that you'd rather change the subject, if at all possible.
4. Eye Pupils Aren’t Dilated
Wanna know if your boo is still into you, after all this time? Check to see if their eyes are dilated. No joke.
A sign of when someone is sexually aroused by another individual is their pupils will automatically start to expand.
If that's not happening for you, well…yeah.
5. Arms and/or Legs Are Crossed
When someone has their limbs — arms and/or legs — crossed while they're talking to someone else, it's rarely a good sign. Not only is it conveying the message that they want to put some distance between them and another person, it's also a way of letting someone know that they are going on the defensive…and when is that ever a positive thing?
6. Hands Are in Pockets
A couple of years ago, I wrote "This Is How To Tell If Someone's Lying To You". One of the signs that I didn't mention then, that I'm going to now, is oftentimes they will put their hands into their pockets while engaging you. It makes sense when you think about the fact that a lot of us tend to use our hands while expressing ourselves. Hiding them is a sign of holding something back or hiding the truth. Hmph.
7. Someone Is Constantly Checking the Time
Out of all of the body language points that I'm hitting, I'm pretty sure this one is a dead giveaway. When you're trying to share your feelings, is there anything more annoying — and let's be real, disrespectful — than someone who is constantly looking at their watch or phone? It says just what they want to say and that is they don't really wanna hear what you're talking about; that they have much more important things to do. It's the absolute worst.
8. Hands Are on the Hips
Most of us have some woman in our family who would put her hands on her hips when she was about to make some sort of declaration. Along these same lines, when two people are having a serious conversation and one of them places their hands onto their hips, what they are saying with their actions is they want some sort of dominance in the situation. It's a bit of a control play. When's the last time you did that? Hmm.
9. Eye Contact Is Avoided
A body language habit that I know I've personally got to work on more is not always looking people in the eyes when they are talking to me. Sometimes it's because doing so feels mad intense. Other times it's because, like a male friend of mine tells me, I don't have the best "screensaver" (which is basically a poker face) and I figure it's better to do that than to roll my eyes.
However, according to the body language experts, when we avoid eye contact, we're ignoring someone, we're thinking really hard, we're hiding deceit, we're super anxious or we want to remove ourselves from the dialogue as soon as possible.
Definitely something to think about.
10. Physical Touch Is Minimal
Even if you and/or your partner's top love language isn't physical touch, people who feel truly connected to their partner are going to naturally touch each other. Some body part will be on the other's body while watching a movie on the couch. A hug or kiss will randomly happen while both are preparing for a meal in the kitchen. Spooning will take place at nighttime. Physical touch is a physical representation of feeling an emotional bond. That's why something is definitely up if one or both individuals in a relationship act as if they are trying to avoid physical touch as much as possible. It's sending a red flag that something in the dynamic is "off" and needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
11. Somebody Is Touching Their Neck While They’re Talking
Have you ever been in a discussion with your significant other and, without even really thinking about it, you found yourself using your fingers to rub up and down the front of your neck? Guess what that represents? Because words come up through our throat, it's oftentimes a subconscious way of conveying that you've got more to say yet you're not sure if you should share it or not.
12. Brows Are Furrowed
Wanna heads up that your partner is about to criticize TF outta you and then some? Check to see if their eyebrows are furrowed before any words start to come out of their mouth. Furrowed brows are a sign of disagreement or displeasure with what is being heard with a touch of brace-yourself-now for some big-time correcting or even reprimanding.
13. Lips Are Licked
A surefire sign that you or your partner are nervous in each other's space is if one (or both) of you are constantly licking your lips. It basically means that someone is either anxious, uncomfortable or withholding some sort of information; the licking is a jittery reaction.
14. There’s Plenty of "Church Hugging"
C'mon. We all know that the ever famous (or is it infamous?) church hug is, for the most part, pretty disingenuous. While some may do it in public settings to express personal space boundaries, why in the world would that be necessary with your partner?
If you side hug, back pat or put your arms in front of you when they try to embrace you, you are saying (without saying it) that you want to keep some distance between the two of you which is basically an indication of a relational breakdown somewhere.
15. Orgasms Are Fake
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP" (men fake orgasms too, by the way). No matter how much you may try and rationalize it, faking means something isn't real, and nothing should be more honest and pure than the intimacy between two people who are in a relationship. Whether you're faking it to please him or he's faking it to hurry and get things over with you, both are problematic as all get out. It's far better to be upfront with your partner about how you're feeling and what you need — so that you can get to some body language that conveys all good things. If you know what I mean. #wink
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Yes, after watching a few reality TV episodes with people being bunched into a beautiful home only to start shaking tables and throwing drinks, it's tempting to let your imagination run wild with all of the negative scenarios that could play out when you travel with friends. I know mines did! However, with a little maturity and self-awareness and making an investment into having more effective communication skills when it comes to the hard stuff, I respectfully suggest that if you are reading this: You don’t really have a problem with group travel, you need to learn how to navigate traveling in a group setting.
Below are some tips I applied to my recent trip to maintain my autonomy while traveling with friends:
Set your personal intentions on why you are attending before agreeing.
The best way to enjoy group travel is to set one's intentions before going. Get your “why” defined because it's super important! Though you may have been invited to celebrate a friend's birthday or another occasion, I think it’s imperative to pair why you're coming to show support for another person with finding ways to take actions that will also benefit you. Unless you are one of the lucky ones getting an all-expense paid trip to celebrate with your friend, you are under no obligation to stick around your travel group every waking moment.
So let's explore your other intentions for saying yes to the trip. Is it to try some local cuisine, an excursion that you haven't participated in, or get into photography? Set that intention and stick to it because you deserve to feel fulfilled by the trip you're going on after spending your hard-earned money and PTO.
Courtesy of Zaniah B
Manage your trip mates' expectations by setting boundaries before the trip.
Effective communication is a major key; this is your chance to give the trip organizer a fair warning of what you are and are not interested in doing before they feel blindsided on the trip. For example, if you know you don't feel like ziplining this time around, let the group know ahead of time to manage the expectations of everyone being together on the trip, and this also creates an opportunity for some alone time.
And while you set your boundaries, make sure you are also planning time together with the group too! Meal time is a great way to regroup throughout the day to check in and allow yourself to say “yes” to an unexpected invitation to do something spontaneous with your girls! Give yourself just as much time to be with your group as you spend away from them. Balance is another major key!
Courtesy of Zaniah B
Be prepared to give grace.
No matter how great the personalities are, there are some moments when everyone won't mesh too well with each other. It's not personal, and it doesn't have to ruin a person’s trip. We are all imperfect human beings, and traveling can bring an additional level of stress you wouldn't have encountered in a more casual setting like brunch. This makes it easier for miscommunications and misunderstandings to happen. Practice as much empathy as possible, listen more than you speak, and work on responding and not reacting.
There are so many factors at play, like alcohol consumption and being forced out of one's comfort zone in many ways that can amplify situations that you would otherwise be able to smooth over. Most importantly, give yourself grace too! I personally use group travel to improve my ability to connect and co-exist with people whom I may have never considered having much in common. It helps me brush the chip that I have on my shoulder of being “ different” by exposing how random women have more in common than not.
Group travel recharges me through the mutual compliments, shared experiences, and bonding that occurs with women on these trips. The seriousness of adulting can be isolating, and planning an independent getaway can be a daunting task; a girls' trip may just be just what you need.
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