Our culture's growing willingness to discuss mental wellness with such openness has inspired the popular concept of self-care, which basically means "treat yourself". But consciously caring for oneself isn't just spa-days and long naps. It's also cutting "negative energies" out of your life. It's turning off your phone and going M.I.A. for days. It's ghosting without having to deal with confrontation. It's a lot of things that are considered selfish if anyone were to do it to you.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear I'm not critiquing what self-care actually is, which literally means taking care of your emotional and mental wellbeing. Nor am I making light of those real moments when self-preservation is truly the only remedy for mental distress. I'm challenging pop culture's version of the practice.
The internet be like...
When I flake on people: It's OK to cancel last minute. It's OK to not explain why. It's self-care. :-)
When others flake on me: How toxic! How selfish! I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF NEGATIVE ENERGY!
If you let social media tell it, self-care is all about the "You". Concern and regard for anyone else be damned.
Now, when I say "you", I'm not actually talking about you. "You" in this sense is an entity, a singular unique being whose importance ranks higher than anyone else's. Yet, somehow we are all this "You" and we expect everyone to recognize that we are the one and only "You" who matters.
Hop onto Instagram and you'll find countless memes that encourage people to drop friends who don't support them but hardly any messages that encourage people to support their friends. Your energy is ~sacred~ and anyone who disturbs Your energy (or just isn't fun to be around, tbh) is toxic. By this logic, we're all pure and toxic at the same time, we are all right and wrong, and we all undoubtedly deserve the love and support we believe others should earn from us.
We demand the very things we don't think we need to give back.
There's this message that suggests we're all living in a world where only Your existence is valid and everyone else is some sort of simulation whose sole purpose is to affect Your life. If we're all operating from such a self-serving point of view, how can we expect anyone to serve us or our needs? Social media's version of self-care is me-centered in all the wrong ways.
If I'm starting to sound all preachy, allow me to step off the soapbox and give a full disclaimer:
Self-care is one of my favorite excuses for whenever I don't want to deal with shit.
Adult responsibilities too hard and confusing to accomplish right now? I'll take a bunch of BuzzFeed quizzes instead, in the name of self-care.
Weird vibes in my sorta hopeful situationship? Cut all ties and move on without a word, in the name of self-care.
My fitness and health goals staring me in the face, begging me to just learn some discipline? Order some greasy Chinese takeout, in the name of self-care.
Need to address a pressing issue with a friend that could possibly lead to an uncomfortable conversation? Ignore the phone call, in the name of self-care. I can go on, but I think I've dragged myself enough.
As a person who struggles with anxiety and depression, checking-out is my way of checking-in. I can disappear for days, cutting off all communication with the world, if I'm really going through it. This coping mechanism is a result of me being a people pleaser and constantly spreading myself too thin. It feels good to take a break. It even feels good to ignore everyone else and focus on my issues. As I learn to be kinder to myself and set aside some me-time every now and then, I'm realizing the purpose of self-care should not be self-indulgent.
The whole reason behind taking care of yourself is to make sure you're the best version of yourself to help and serve others in the world.
There is a fine line between self-care and selfishness, and that line is defined by perspective.
I've straddled this line, sometimes falling on either side. I usually figure out which side I am on by how my self-care affects people in my life. Of course, we all know not everyone will appreciate our self-care. Not everyone will understand why you can't be available for them whenever they want you to be. But the way to gauge whether or not your self-care is selfish is to ask yourself if your actions are actually hurting anyone, or rather (if you want to keep it really real) if your actions are just rooted in resentment.
I think the whole "me-first, me-only" kind of self-care is steeped in bitterness. It's usually done in spite or to provoke a reaction from someone; and it definitely doesn't serve our best selves. I've experienced this on both sides — one side being the one doing selfish shit, and the other being on the receiving end of selfishness.
I've had someone I was really close with walk out of my life without explanation. Things had gotten weird between us — chemistry was off, unspoken tension. I addressed the awkwardness, which led to more awkwardness and just like that, I was cut off. No texts or calls. Not even a "Happy Birthday" for when the time came around.
A year later, I heard from the person who finally chalked up the friendship exile as misplaced anger disguised as self-care. Whatever they were going through, they felt as if I was a reason or reminder of their issues — those issues still existed without me by the way. (As they say, it's never really about you and it's never really about them. Our issues are our issues alone.) According to their words, they felt like hurting me would heal them — it didn't.
I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that I've also done something similar to others. Sometimes when we are under a lot of stress, we find blame in spaces it does not exist. Example: I'm unhappy because my loved one's life is going great and mine isn't. It's not fair. I suddenly don't like them.
Cutting your folks off or being rude to them will never fix your issues — at least, it can't be the only fix.
Self-care requires self-evaluation and self-work.
On the flip side, we also can't take the distance personally. Even if it's rooted in resentment, it could possibly be best for the person as they navigate their own healing. What if every time we felt someone was being a unsupportive or absent from our lives, it was really just them practicing self-care? What if the reason your mate was being distant and weird wasn't because of toxic energy but because they're dealing with heavy stuff they are unable to share? Imagine if every time your friend flaked on you or didn't call to check-in, they were busy caring for themselves (and maybe even hoping you'd check in on them). Why is it only self-care when You do it?
This world can feel very lonely and it's very easy to focus on our own problems in a way that makes it seem like they're the only ones that exist. But the truth is, everyone has stuff going on, everyone feels pain.
We're always going to be the protagonist in our story and we can only view life through our own perspective. Most of us probably believe we're on the right side of all situations. Most of us probably even believe we're the only ones who put the needs of others before our own.
But generally speaking, we are all givers and takers in some way or another, and I think it's worth evaluating what exactly are we giving too much of and then set boundaries from there.
Of course, no one needs permission to practice self-care; this isn't what this article is about. However, there should be a way of managing our relationship with the people in our lives and with our self without compromising either. For me, it comes down to communication, consideration, and checking my intentions. Am I ghosting this person because they truly are toxic to my mental health or am I trying to prove a point? Does my friend actually know why I'm pissed? Am I communicating my issues or am I unfairly assuming they already know? Is this self-care practice making me a better person? Are my actions burdening someone else?
I believe that recognizing that everyone has their own perspective elevates emotional intelligence and helps us better understand our relationships. No matter what you do, even if it's something as wonderful as catering to your own needs, there will be a consequence. For example, deciding to turn off your phone and skip an important meeting can be a great day for you but an awful and stressful day for your team. Being good to yourself doesn't have to mean being shitty to others. It would be ironic otherwise.
Why not grant each other the same peace we desire? Your boundaries, your "no's", your "me-times" are meant to make you a better, happier, healthier human being who can then have the capacity to deal with other human beings.
Your self-care shouldn't have to come at the expense of another's.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Originally published May 27, 2018
Featured image by Shutterstock
- A Simple Guide to Self-Care - The Atlantic ›
- What Is Self-Care And Why Is Self-Care Important? ›
- The Millennial Obsession With Self-Care : NPR ›
- This Is What 'Self-Care' REALLY Means, Because It's Not All Salt ... ›
- Practicing Self-Care Is Important: 10 Easy Habits To Get You Started ›
- The importance of self-care | TED Talks ›
- 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body & Soul ›
Kadia Blagrove is a NYC-based writer for all things life and culture. You can check out her work on KadiaB.com and catch her tweets @KazzleDazz.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Serena Williams Hits Back At Skin-Bleaching Accusations: 'I’m A Dark, Black Woman, And I Love Who I Am'
Serena Williams is clapping back at skin-bleaching accusations. During a makeup tutorial for her beauty brand, Wyn Beauty, the tennis legend took the opportunity to address the "haters."
“And then I put just that neutral color, that is actually my skin color, and no, for you haters out there, I do not bleach my skin,” she said. “There is a thing called sunlight, and in that sunlight, you get different colors.”
The rumors started after the mom of two posted a video of herself and her husband, Alexis Ohanian, at their daughter's school play. In the video, she appeared to look a few shades lighter. During her response, she revealed that she was volunteering at the play and wore stage makeup.
“Yes, I’m calling you out on this because it is ridiculous that everyone’s like, ‘Oh, she bleached her skin,’" she said. "I’m a dark, Black woman, and I love who I am, and I love how I look and that's just not my thing.”
The 23-time Grand Slam champion also said that she doesn't judge anyone who bleaches their skin as she "stays in my lane."
Serena has always had style on and off the court, and even collaborated with Nike with her own collection Serena Williams Design Crew. However, the tennis champ has now pivoted into beauty.
Wyn Beauty was launched in April 2024 with at 10-piece collection of lip, eye, and complexion products. The brand was inspired by Serena's time on the court and the packaging is reminiscent of a tennis ball due to its chartreuse color.
“Throughout my career, I was always searching for makeup that looked good after hours on the court, mixing products myself and creating my own formulas while traveling the world,” she said in a statement. As she continues to make a name for herself in the beauty industry, I'm sure we will see a lot more looks from the tennis star.
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Feature image by Marc Piasecki/WireImage