

When I wrote the article on how to have "comfy sex" for the site (check out "What Is 'Comfy Sex'? How Can You Get More Of It?"), someone wrote me and asked, "Where do you get this stuff from?" Honestly, a lot of it I make up although what initially inspired my "different kinds of sex" ideas is a piece that I wrote a while back entitled, "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation." Personally, it is my heartfelt belief that a part of the reason why some people — especially those who are in long-term relationships — find themselves getting bored with sex is that, far too often, they only look at it from a physical perspective. And yeah, if all you're thinking about is how intercourse literally happens and whether or not you're going to get an orgasm from it, not only can that get old, real fast, it can also keep you from experiencing so much more of what coitus has to offer…if you choose to stay open to it.
Since this is the month when all-things-gratitude are the focal point, I figured that now would be as good of a time as any for us to explore what it means to enjoy some "gratitude sex" with our partner. Sex that, yes, let's them know that you are grateful for being able to experience something so precious with them. Yet also taking another approach on gratefulness — sex that is "pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable; welcome". Ready?
1. Customize Your Presentation
One of the things that I like so much about the place where I get waxed is the atmosphere; especially the bathroom (and I can't say that about many bathrooms, chile). It's super clean. It's decorated in a really warm and inviting way. And it smells amazing. And all of that makes me more comfortable about taking off all of my clothes and going spread eagle in order to get the job done. My point? You know, it's interesting because, when I was having a convo with a husband recently, he said that something that he doesn't think that women recognize a lot is how much ambiance matters to a man. "I know society makes y'all want to think that as long as we can 'get in' we don't care about much else but that's actually some real bulls--t. I like candles. I like soft bedding. I like a sexy scent. Men like the right setting too."
I totally get this because when we take out the time to "set the stage" when it comes to sex, it sends the message that we've put some real forethought into planning out the experience…because that's how much our partner means to us. So, definitely make cultivating ambiance a top priority if you want to engage in some gratitude sex. Even before you touch each other, it lets your partner know just how much you adore them and are grateful to share what's about to go down.
2. Set Aside Some “Atypical Time” for Nothing but Intimacy
Remember how I said in the intro that a definition of grateful is "welcome". I've shared in a different article before that another husband once told me that he's someone who likes lingerie outside of sex. "If a woman only wears it before sex, it sends the message that she thinks that we don't care to see her being sexy AF outside of the bedroom and that's simply not true. Honestly, I like lingerie when my wife is just walking around the house. Once it's about to go down, she can be butt naked for all I care."
An atypical time to wear lingerie. Copy that. Do you know what else men are "welcome" to? An atypical time for intimacy. If you always do it at night, switch things up and initiate in the morning. If the weekends are more your thing, catch him off guard on a Tuesday afternoon. Something else that's cool about gratitude sex is when you aren't caught up in the routine of the act, when you "break code" a bit, you are basically saying, "I am so glad to be with you that I want you now" — and if now is at a random time of the day or night, who gives AF? So be it.
3. Tell Your Partner What You Appreciate About Them. Sexually.
When it comes to the semi-long list of top reasons for why so many couples end up calling it quits (including married folks who end up getting divorced), if there's one thing that I don't see mentioned nearly enough but absolutely should, it's that they don't feel appreciated by their partner. I get why that's so important too because when you appreciate someone, that means you value them, that you are fully conscious and aware of what they mean to you, and yes, that you are grateful for them.
Since the focus of this piece is all about physical intimacy, take a moment and ponder — when's the last time you verbally expressed the things that you appreciate about your partner, strictly as it relates to what happens in your boudoir? Maybe you appreciate how good they are at dirty talk. Maybe you appreciate how they take their time. Maybe you appreciate how much they care about you gettin' yours (and how they are able to tell when you don't). Maybe you appreciate how they pick up on your non-verbal affirmations or the fact that they are fully present, even after the act is over. Far too often, we take people for granted in areas where we think they should automatically know how we feel. If you want to be a master at gratitude sex, never assume — always express.
4. Be Compassionate in Your Foreplay
A grateful individual is typically a pretty compassionate one as well. What do I mean by that when it comes to sex? Well, the main definition of compassion is to see someone suffering on some level and have a desire to relieve it as a direct result. How this can translate into intimacy is, if your partner is totally down but you know they had a long day, how about offering them a massage? Or if it's evident that they are super stressed out, how about giving before receiving (if you know what I mean)? Or if they are feeling a little self-conscious about their body as of late, why not treat their sensitive areas as spots that you want to love on the most?
Synonyms for compassion include empathy, grace, mercy, tenderness, and heart. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes. Giving them favor when their performance may not be totally up to par. Being patient with them the way you want them to be patient with you. Bringing a "Force MDs spirit" into the bedroom (the real ones know). Caring about their feelings and emotions. All of this defines what it means to be a compassionate lover — what it means to incorporate compassion into your foreplay.
5. Speak Your Partner’s (Sexual) Love Language
I say it often because I totally believe it to be so — one of the biggest mistakes that are made, on the regular, in relationships, is folks are too caught up in giving their partner what they want to receive instead of what their partner actually desires. This can be the case in the bedroom too. That's why, last year, I penned "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" for the site because how your partner may want to receive sex may be different from how you prefer to.
Words of affirmation folks like seductive expressions. Physical touch people are big on erogenous zones. Acts of service individuals appreciate a cleaned bedroom. Quality time folks cherish afterplay (more on that in a bit). Gifts people like a little something that's waiting on their pillow before foreplay transpires. Pretty much, in every area of a romantic relationship, you can never go wrong with knowing what your partner's love language is. When it comes to sex specifically, do you? And if so, do you speak it fluently?
6. Fulfill a Sexual Fantasy
Again, another definition of grateful is "pleasing to the mind or senses" and fulfilling a sexual fantasy of your partner (as they do the same thing for you) definitely qualifies. When I'm in sessions with married folks (especially ones who have a somewhat extensive sexual history with other people), I'm big about pushing them to fulfill fantasies. Why? Well, aside from the fact that it's erotic as all get out, oftentimes a fantasy is something that hasn't actually manifested outside of one's mind…yet.
So, if one or both people are feeling a little uncomfortable or insecure about their partner's sexual past, something that can help to "drown out" those emotions is to create new experiences with one another because, I can almost guarantee you, that no matter what you and/or your partner may have already done, there are still things on your sexual bucket lists that you still have yet to do. Do those things together. What in the world are you waiting for? Because having a whole set of customized sexual memories is definitely something to be truly thankful for.
7. Get into Eye Contact Sexual Positions
Wanna know if someone is truly present with you? Wanna know if you are truly present with someone else? Maintain eye contact. You know, I actually read an article that said when folks go out of their way to avoid making eye contact, it can mean that there are walls up, they don't trust you, or that they aren't being very genuine. And while I wouldn't say this 100 percent applies, across the board, in the bedroom (because some sexual positions avoid all eye contact and yet are still pleasurable like a mutha), I do think that if you and yours are never in some variation of the missionary position, that should be discussed — because if there is a time when you should want to feel like you are totally connecting with your partner, it's when he's inside of you and again, eye contact helps to make that happen.
8. Make Afterplay a Top Priority
A complaint from women that I tend to hear a lot when it comes to sex is how often men will fall asleep, immediately after sex. In response, what I typically remind ladies of is the fact that science is the underlying reason. After men ejaculate, they release a considerable amount of the biochemical prolactin. When that happens, it causes them to feel tired and drained which is why they want to fall asleep. This is where the article, "Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The 'Afterplay'?" comes in. Although I don't know many men who want to have a full-on deep discussion following sex, cuddling counts as afterplay. So does snacking on something or even watching a movie together (even if he only lasts for half of it).
The main thing that I like so much about afterplay is it's a reminder, to both people, that your partner is not just some random jump-off. What I mean by that is, it's not uncommon for casual sex partners to get off and get up and go. On the flip side, when you truly care about someone, you tend to want to cherish time together as you bask in the afterglow. If you want another way to show your partner how grateful you are for sharing such an intimate time and space with them, make sure that afterplay is on the agenda. It makes sex very…sweet. It really does.
9. Pillow Talk About Each Other’s Sexual Goals
Famed author Zig Ziglar once said, "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." And yes, I am big on encouraging couples to set short and long-term sex goals with one another. It helps to keep them from getting stuck in a sexual rut. It encourages them to step outside of the box and try new things. It gives them something special to look forward to on a regular basis. It challenges them to rise above their sexual status quo.
It conveys that they are not only prioritizing their sex life, but they are proactively looking for ways to make it better than ever. So yeah, two people who use their pillow time, at least a couple of times a month to set some solid sex goals are two people who think their sex life is just as important as every other part of their relationship — and when you've got a partner who thinks this way…how can you not be grateful for that?
10. Keep a “Sex Gratitude Journal”
One more thing. Something that I think all people should have is a sex journal. You can read more about that via the article, "The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)." Along these same lines, something that I think all couples (who are in an exclusive sexual relationship) should have is a sex gratitude journal. I'm telling you, there is something that is very thoughtful, very endearing, and very special about two people who literally make the time to handwrite thoughts, moments, and experiences that they shared with one another, sexually, that they are truly thankful for; especially when they make sure to put a date and time on their entries. Then, when things are a little challenging, one or both feels a bit of a disconnect or it's around the anniversary of the relationship's beginning, they can look through the journal and recall so much that is good about their bedroom chemistry.
So, as you're on the quest to implement more gratitude sex into your life, make sure to cop a fresh journal, to post entries and keep it on your bedroom nightstand. Whether you're the one writing or reading the entries, there's no way that you can put the journal down and not feel valued, adored and even a little horny. Just as sex should make you feel. Always.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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We've All Heard Of Marriage Red Flags Before. Now Check Out 6 Divorce Red Flags.
Red flags. When it comes to relationships, there is nothing like knowing that there are glaring warning signs that are literally trying to tell you something, and yet, because of how you feel about someone, you choose to totally ignore them. Indeed, as author Steve Maraboli once said, “They ignored all of the signs…Pretended not to see the flags…You can break your own heart loving some people.” Geeze.
And this is why, when it comes to getting married, dating/engaged couples definitely need to pay attention to some potentially serious marriage red flags — lifestyle incompatibility; poor communication; financial instability; sexual incompatibility (you don’t have to have sex to know this by the way — couples need to discuss their intimacy needs and wants regardless); inability to compromise; any forms of abuse or addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.
Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
I promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
Someone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
I ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
Several years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
Last one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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