
Solange Has Reminded Me Of The Importance Of Creating My Own Safe Spaces

As someone who isn't quick to label every slight, snarky comment or ignorant impulse where someone doesn't think before speaking as "racism", I must say Solange Knowles' recent essay hit a nerve because it's something most black people can relate to. You walk into an unfamiliar space and immediately size up the room to see who looks like you. Are there other black people here? Are we safe? Do we belong here? These were some of the questions Knowles found herself asking before being harassed while attending a Kraftwerk concert this past weekend with her family.
Knowles posted a series of tweets on Friday (now most of which have been deleted) explaining an incident in which she said four white women demanded she sit down while dancing to one of her favorite songs at the electronica concert. After a brief exchange and her refusal she felt something hit her back, which her son later revealed was a half eaten lime that the women had thrown. It was an action that many would take to imply a message of, "This is our music. WTH are you doing here? How dare you be black and enjoy OUR music."
After both concern and criticism from her Twitter followers, Knowles took a moment to address the incident in detail in an article called, “And Do You Belong? I Do” which she posted to SaintHeron.com on Sunday. In the piece, she recounts the discomfort that many African-Americans experience in everyday situations where people make assumptions about their sense of belonging on race alone:
“It usually does not include 'please.' It does not include 'will you.' It does not include 'would you mind,' for you must not even be worth wasting their mouths forming these respectable words. Although, you usually see them used seconds before or after you.You don’t feel that most of the people in these incidents do not like black people, but simply are a product of their white supremacy and are exercising it on you without caution, care, or thought.
Many times the tone just simply says, 'I do not feel you belong here.'
Imagine.”
She begins by recalling the incident from start to end, beautifully transporting us through her point-of-view of her night out with her husband, her 11 year old son, and his friend. She starts to walk us through the pivotal moment of disrespect shoved onto her by a stranger, "Imagine" once again acting as a prelude:
...you hear women yell aggressively, “Sit down now, you need to sit down right now” from the box behind you. You want to be considerate, however, they were not at all considerate with their tone, their choice of words, or the fact that you just walked in and seem to be enjoying yourself.You feel something heavy hit you on the back of your shoulder, but consider that you are imagining things because well….certainly a stranger would not have the audacity.
Moments later, you feel something again, this time smaller, less heavy, and your son and his friend tell you those ladies just hit you with a lime.
You look down only to see the half eaten lime on the ground below you.
Maybe it's some residual emotions left from the days of Jim Crow and our generation's knowledge of the fact that African-Americans weren't always able to use these same bathrooms or enter in the same doors, but what hurts me most is that music is supposed to be the great mediator. Do you know how many Drake concerts I've attended where Alison and Cody are going harder than me and can recite all of the lyrics to "Worst Behavior" better than most? And even at a concert where most people are too busy dancing themselves to take issue with someone blocking their view, you can’t help but wonder if these women couldn’t see past Solange or their own narrow-minded privilege.
Knowles goes on to note how the media will undoubtedly misconstrue her message and paint a false picture of what it means to be a black woman in a "white space":
"You constantly see the media having a hard time contextualizing black women and men as victims every day, even when it means losing their own lives.You realize that you never called these women 'racists', but people will continuously put those words in your mouth.
What you did indeed say is, “This is why many black people are uncomfortable being in predominately white spaces,” and you still stand true to that."
Whether you believe the singer overreacted or not, the essay reveals just how conditioned many of us are to believe that there are some experiences that might be denied to us in the first place solely based on race alone. If anything, Knowles brings to light a part of the black experience that is looking for the "safety in numbers" in these spaces even tweeting, "We are 4 of about 20 black concert goers out 1500 here. 4 out of maaaybbe 20 out of 1500." Makes you wonder, do white people enter most spaces counting how many people that look like them are present?
The last time I had this feeling was when my husband and I tried out a new movie theater about 40 minutes outside of Philly. We were in the suburbs, the kind of town where great high schools are hidden and the median household income is $70,000. We drove by Range Rovers, and an ice cream parlor patio where families sat with their golden retrievers and newborns. We instantly found ourselves looking for the black folks. And eventually we found a few in the forms of interracial couples or a token teenager skateboarding with his friends of fairer complexions with their matching Van sneakers.
Did we feel like we'd by lynched if we were the only ones? No.
Did I feel like if we were the only ones that would automatically male us a target for harassment or bigotry? Yes.
What I think most of us are looking for in safe spaces is representation, diversity and freedom from the responsibility to represent all of us. We wear Vans AND Jordans, we too can afford this $13.00 popcorn, and I'm not coming to see the latest Kevin Hart movie just because I'm black. We came to see Sully, dammit.
[Tweet "We all have a right to feel comfortable in an experience and enjoy it."]
It's something I subtly notice as I find myself in an elevator with white men in business suits and backpacks as I head to my job in a nonprofit with my purple hair and graphic tee. When I first started three months ago, even though I was only a mile from my old job where valets, hospital professionals and other non prof pros would hold doors for one another and greet each other while getting coffee. I now enter a world of investors and IT techs who will push past the women to get off the elevator or not hold the door in the first place almost as to say, "I'm making six figures and my job is more important than yours."
But that's the thing about safe spaces. It's not about feeling like we can only feel comfortable or relate to members of our same race. It's about people sharing an experience whether be an elevator ride or a rock concert and recognizing that we all have a right to feel comfortable in that experience and enjoy it. When I used to teach teen parents one of the things that hurt me most is when they would say why they wouldn't visit the art museum or take their kids to the clean playground with the safety pads on the ground. "That isn't for us," they would plainly say denying themselves of anything different and failing to break the cycle of never going beyond their own neighborhoods.
At the end of her essay, Knowles notes her decision to remain blessed in the moment and to not let the haters get in the way of her family’s good time. She writes:
“We belong. We belong. We belong.
We built this.”
So what can we do to create a sense of belonging or to claim it when others try to make you believe that these experiences are exclusive?
Believe in your right to be there. Sometimes folks are racist, entitled idiots but sometimes we have no one but ourselves to blame. And unfortunately a part of white privilege is the belief that wherever they go, they belong. Whether it's Christopher Columbus staking claim to an already inhabited country or Kylie Jenner being credited with making cornrows “cool”.
Tune out those who are offended by your presence like Solange did in a now deleted tweet in which she writes, “Now back to me & my husband’s favorite song “Autobahn” ….& not giving a f--k about you lovely ladies…” Remind yourself that they're ruining their own time trying to make you uncomfortable.
Get out of your comfort zone, and when you get to your destination, call out entitled people.I decided to not let those ignorant investors bring out my inner angry black girl. Don't be self-conscious and own your right to be in the room. We have to truly believe that we have a right to partake in certain experiences just like anyone else.
The essay serves as a reminder that no matter how much progress we make as a society in breaking racial barriers, it is still up to us to create and maintain our own safe spaces individually. To make us feel like outsiders robs us of the life experience that we are all entitled to.
You can read "And Do You Belong? I Do" in it's entirety here.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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