Solange Has Reminded Me Of The Importance Of Creating My Own Safe Spaces
As someone who isn't quick to label every slight, snarky comment or ignorant impulse where someone doesn't think before speaking as "racism", I must say Solange Knowles' recent essay hit a nerve because it's something most black people can relate to. You walk into an unfamiliar space and immediately size up the room to see who looks like you. Are there other black people here? Are we safe? Do we belong here? These were some of the questions Knowles found herself asking before being harassed while attending a Kraftwerk concert this past weekend with her family.
Knowles posted a series of tweets on Friday (now most of which have been deleted) explaining an incident in which she said four white women demanded she sit down while dancing to one of her favorite songs at the electronica concert. After a brief exchange and her refusal she felt something hit her back, which her son later revealed was a half eaten lime that the women had thrown. It was an action that many would take to imply a message of, "This is our music. WTH are you doing here? How dare you be black and enjoy OUR music."
After both concern and criticism from her Twitter followers, Knowles took a moment to address the incident in detail in an article called, “And Do You Belong? I Do” which she posted to SaintHeron.com on Sunday. In the piece, she recounts the discomfort that many African-Americans experience in everyday situations where people make assumptions about their sense of belonging on race alone:
“It usually does not include 'please.' It does not include 'will you.' It does not include 'would you mind,' for you must not even be worth wasting their mouths forming these respectable words. Although, you usually see them used seconds before or after you.You don’t feel that most of the people in these incidents do not like black people, but simply are a product of their white supremacy and are exercising it on you without caution, care, or thought.
Many times the tone just simply says, 'I do not feel you belong here.'
Imagine.”
She begins by recalling the incident from start to end, beautifully transporting us through her point-of-view of her night out with her husband, her 11 year old son, and his friend. She starts to walk us through the pivotal moment of disrespect shoved onto her by a stranger, "Imagine" once again acting as a prelude:
...you hear women yell aggressively, “Sit down now, you need to sit down right now” from the box behind you. You want to be considerate, however, they were not at all considerate with their tone, their choice of words, or the fact that you just walked in and seem to be enjoying yourself.You feel something heavy hit you on the back of your shoulder, but consider that you are imagining things because well….certainly a stranger would not have the audacity.
Moments later, you feel something again, this time smaller, less heavy, and your son and his friend tell you those ladies just hit you with a lime.
You look down only to see the half eaten lime on the ground below you.
Maybe it's some residual emotions left from the days of Jim Crow and our generation's knowledge of the fact that African-Americans weren't always able to use these same bathrooms or enter in the same doors, but what hurts me most is that music is supposed to be the great mediator. Do you know how many Drake concerts I've attended where Alison and Cody are going harder than me and can recite all of the lyrics to "Worst Behavior" better than most? And even at a concert where most people are too busy dancing themselves to take issue with someone blocking their view, you can’t help but wonder if these women couldn’t see past Solange or their own narrow-minded privilege.
Knowles goes on to note how the media will undoubtedly misconstrue her message and paint a false picture of what it means to be a black woman in a "white space":
"You constantly see the media having a hard time contextualizing black women and men as victims every day, even when it means losing their own lives.You realize that you never called these women 'racists', but people will continuously put those words in your mouth.
What you did indeed say is, “This is why many black people are uncomfortable being in predominately white spaces,” and you still stand true to that."
Whether you believe the singer overreacted or not, the essay reveals just how conditioned many of us are to believe that there are some experiences that might be denied to us in the first place solely based on race alone. If anything, Knowles brings to light a part of the black experience that is looking for the "safety in numbers" in these spaces even tweeting, "We are 4 of about 20 black concert goers out 1500 here. 4 out of maaaybbe 20 out of 1500." Makes you wonder, do white people enter most spaces counting how many people that look like them are present?
The last time I had this feeling was when my husband and I tried out a new movie theater about 40 minutes outside of Philly. We were in the suburbs, the kind of town where great high schools are hidden and the median household income is $70,000. We drove by Range Rovers, and an ice cream parlor patio where families sat with their golden retrievers and newborns. We instantly found ourselves looking for the black folks. And eventually we found a few in the forms of interracial couples or a token teenager skateboarding with his friends of fairer complexions with their matching Van sneakers.
Did we feel like we'd by lynched if we were the only ones? No.
Did I feel like if we were the only ones that would automatically male us a target for harassment or bigotry? Yes.
What I think most of us are looking for in safe spaces is representation, diversity and freedom from the responsibility to represent all of us. We wear Vans AND Jordans, we too can afford this $13.00 popcorn, and I'm not coming to see the latest Kevin Hart movie just because I'm black. We came to see Sully, dammit.
[Tweet "We all have a right to feel comfortable in an experience and enjoy it."]
It's something I subtly notice as I find myself in an elevator with white men in business suits and backpacks as I head to my job in a nonprofit with my purple hair and graphic tee. When I first started three months ago, even though I was only a mile from my old job where valets, hospital professionals and other non prof pros would hold doors for one another and greet each other while getting coffee. I now enter a world of investors and IT techs who will push past the women to get off the elevator or not hold the door in the first place almost as to say, "I'm making six figures and my job is more important than yours."
But that's the thing about safe spaces. It's not about feeling like we can only feel comfortable or relate to members of our same race. It's about people sharing an experience whether be an elevator ride or a rock concert and recognizing that we all have a right to feel comfortable in that experience and enjoy it. When I used to teach teen parents one of the things that hurt me most is when they would say why they wouldn't visit the art museum or take their kids to the clean playground with the safety pads on the ground. "That isn't for us," they would plainly say denying themselves of anything different and failing to break the cycle of never going beyond their own neighborhoods.
At the end of her essay, Knowles notes her decision to remain blessed in the moment and to not let the haters get in the way of her family’s good time. She writes:
“We belong. We belong. We belong.
We built this.”
So what can we do to create a sense of belonging or to claim it when others try to make you believe that these experiences are exclusive?
Believe in your right to be there. Sometimes folks are racist, entitled idiots but sometimes we have no one but ourselves to blame. And unfortunately a part of white privilege is the belief that wherever they go, they belong. Whether it's Christopher Columbus staking claim to an already inhabited country or Kylie Jenner being credited with making cornrows “cool”.
Tune out those who are offended by your presence like Solange did in a now deleted tweet in which she writes, “Now back to me & my husband’s favorite song “Autobahn” ….& not giving a f--k about you lovely ladies…” Remind yourself that they're ruining their own time trying to make you uncomfortable.
Get out of your comfort zone, and when you get to your destination, call out entitled people.I decided to not let those ignorant investors bring out my inner angry black girl. Don't be self-conscious and own your right to be in the room. We have to truly believe that we have a right to partake in certain experiences just like anyone else.
The essay serves as a reminder that no matter how much progress we make as a society in breaking racial barriers, it is still up to us to create and maintain our own safe spaces individually. To make us feel like outsiders robs us of the life experience that we are all entitled to.
You can read "And Do You Belong? I Do" in it's entirety here.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You know, I always find it quite fascinating that whenever the topic of cheating comes up, it’s assumed that damn near everyone in the world does it and that women barely do it when the reality is that, reportedly, only 20 percent of men cheat and 13 percent of women do (both ways, that is a minority, for sure). And then, when the topic of marriage is on the table, while there is constant dialogue about men being afraid to say “I do,” somehow what doesn’t come up nearly as much is the fact that it’s 70 percent of women who initiate divorce.
Know what this means to me? When it comes to the topic of relationships, we have to be careful about making gross generalizations. And, when it comes to long-term dynamics, a commitment-phobe can be a man or a woman. Most definitely so.
Back in the day, I wrote, “5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes” for the platform, in hopes that as many women as possible could avoid investing their heart, time, energy, and body parts to men who run from commitments like they are the plague. However, if you read enough of my content, you know that when it comes to having healthy, happy, and thriving relationships, I believe that everyone can get it as far as personal accountability goes.
So today, let’s look at commitment issues from a different angle. Below, I’m going to share seven signs that you — or one of your girlfriends — could be a commitment-phobe whether you’re in denial or you’re seeking confirmation. I won’t lie; there might be a few “ouch” moments along the way, yet if it can help you to break the habit and get closer to your future man, I think it’ll ultimately be worth it.
1. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic As All Get Out
GiphyTwo people that set themselves up to be consistently disappointed are the ones who think you should never expect anything out of life and the ones who have expectations that are so unrealistic they are damn near unattainable. The first folks? They are typically coming from a place of protecting themselves from pain. That’s why they say that they subscribe to life mottos like, “If you never expect anything, you won’t ever be disappointed.” Lord. How dark is that? Expecting something is literally having something to look forward to, and if your life doesn’t consist of any of that, you’re going to find yourself leaning on the side of cynicism at best, and negativity at worst — and that is no way to live a satisfying life.
The second? Low-key, these types of individuals oftentimes fall into the commitment-phobe category because…just think about it: If your expectations are super unrealistic, you can always say that it’s not that you didn’t want a relationship, you simply did not find someone who checked off everything on that 10-page list of yours. SMDH. Yeah, commitment-phobes are good for meeting a really great guy and then ending the relationship after they find out that he makes $60K while they make $40K or not giving a guy a chance because he’s 5’10” when they are 5’5” (only 15 percent of men are 6’ or over, by the way).
It’s not really about having high standards; it’s about building up walls and calling them standards so that no one will catch on to what’s really going on with them.
2. You’re Constantly Moving the Bar
GiphyThe ever-moving goalpost; this is how a true commitment-phobe gets down. First, you want someone who is really nice — oh, but not too nice. Then you want someone who is romantic — oh, but not someone who comes off as clingy or needy because that seems “sassy” (I really need some of y’all to look that word up; I promise it doesn’t mean what social media implies that it does). First, your love language is quality time — yet he’s on the quiet side and so now it’s words of affirmation. No wonder guys find themselves frustrated; like Issa once told Molly on Insecure (the episode when Lawrence found out that Issa cheated on him with Daniel…that really was a great show), “You’re impossible to please” — and so, guys tap out…because they don’t know what else to do.
Commitment-phobes tend to be this way because a commitment requires them to stand firm on some things, and since the thought of that makes them uncomfortable, they’re constantly shifting their definition of what makes them happy and what will cause them to actually settle down with someone.
I like soccer. Whenever I watch it, I enjoy the focus and flexibility of the person trying to get the ball into the goal. They have to learn how to make that happen — and that requires real time, effort, and skill. At the same time, it’s ridiculous to blame them if the goal is always moving around; that would be the goal’s issue, not theirs. I hope you got where I was going with that little analogy.
3. Your Last Long-Term Relationship Was…Hell, When Was It?
GiphyWhen it comes to this particular point, I’m not speaking of those who have intentionally taken themselves out of the dating game. I’m talking about people who are out here actively dating (or actively doing…something…LOL), and it hasn’t led to anything even remotely serious or long-term. If this is the box that you can check when it comes to this article, why is that the case? Are you someone who doesn’t really like dates to go beyond the initial 1-3? Do you only see dating as a recreational activity? Does the thought of letting someone actually get to know more than the “top layers” of you make you feel emotionally claustrophobic?
Maybe it’s something deeper like your last real relationship was an absolute trainwreck, and the thought of getting into another frightens you, makes you want to throw up, or both. Maybe, like one of my clients once told me, you never saw a long-term commitment modeled to you while growing up, so the concept is completely foreign in your mind. Perhaps you’ve had so many bitter people in your life that you automatically equate a relationship with a headache.
Whatever the reason may be, if you’re in your 30s or older and it’s been years since you’ve had something solid, more times than not, that’s another sign of being a commitment-phobe. What I will say is, when it comes to this one, it’s a good idea to do some real pondering because your reason determines what approach you should take to change it (if you want to change it). Some folks need to date with more intention. Others need to go to therapy and do some healing. A ton of folks should take social media breaks and get some mentors who are happily married/committed.
Anyway, there’s no way that I could write an article like this and not bring up this point. If it struck a nerve, ask yourself…why that is the case.
4. Intimacy Is Only Surface Layer with/for You
GiphyWhere in the world does time go? I can’t believe that it was almost four years ago when I penned, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” for the platform. When I was discussing this very topic with a woman I know who can relate to the people who are featured in it, she was quick to admit that although she likes having as much sex as possible, she tries to avoid kissing at all costs because it’s “too intimate.” Lawd, this reminds me of yet another Insecure episode when Tiffany basically said to Issa (as all of the ladies were discussing giving head) that she found it wild that while Issa thought that putting a penis in her mouth was too intimate, putting a penis in her vagina…wasn’t (chile).
Expanding on Tiff’s point, a lot of commitment-phobes are just like this; only, they feel this way about their heart (and to a certain extent, their time)…not so much their mouth.
They don’t want to cuddle — it’s too intimate. They don’t want to spend the night — it’s too intimate. The minute that their sex partner wants to forego sex and talk, they feel insulted, rejected, wonder about his sexuality, and then use one of these as a reason to end the sexuationship. Or — and please really peep this one — they only really enjoy sex if they are tipsy or high. That’s because being not-fully-sober is also a type of wall; being sober means being totally present, and for a lot of commitment-phobes, that’s the last thing that they want to be.
Or it comes another way. Sex or not, there are certain topics that are totally off limits: childhood, past relationships, vulnerabilities, and fears. To them, they think that you are trying to get too close, and so they will either gaslight you into feeling like you are being nosy or invasive when the reality is they don’t like any genuine emotional familiarity; so, you can either chill and keep it fun and games or move on to someone else.
5. You Avoid Making Plans at All Costs
GiphyAlthough I mostly work with married couples, there are quite a few singles who also cross my path. And you know what? You’d be amazed how many of them are women who don’t like to be “locked in” to long-term plans. What I mean by that is, they will start dating a guy, and a good couple of months of steady communication and interaction in, he will ask if they want to take a trip over the summer or make plans for a particular holiday, and they will immediately take the “we’ll see” approach.
When I ask them if they see any red flags with ole’ boy, the answer is “no.” Then they come with some, “I just don’t want to feel pressured when I don’t know what the future will bring.” Girl, it’s not a marriage proposal; it’s a weekend at a resort, or he wants to not be overbilled for reservations on Valentine’s Day so…what’s really going on?
I’ll tell you: Commitment-phobes hate things like plans and schedules because that means they have to be held accountable and keep their word — and that’s two things that they are not very good at; no, not at all. The thing that’s wild about this particular point is, that if you asked their friends and family about it, they would tell you that they can totally relate to your frustration because they are just as unpredictable and fickle with them.
Yeah, that’s another interesting thing about commitment-phobes: sometimes the waters run deep; other times, they are just reckless with other people’s time because they haven’t had any real consequences for their negligence…yet. As they get older, that tends to change, though. Wisdom teaches their circle that wasting time on commitment-phobes is pretty damn foolish.
6. You Make Excuses for Pretty Much Everything
GiphyGeorge Washington Carver once said, “Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.” The interesting thing about excuses is why we all have a general concept of what the word means, peep an actual definition: “a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense”. Okay, so you know what this means, right? More times than not, if you’re trying to come up with an excuse about something, chances are, you did something wrong. And commitment-phobes? They are fluent in excuses-speak.
Excuses for why they disappointed you. Excuses for why they hurt your feelings. Excuses for why they "can’t" be (which really ends up being "won’t" in many instances) what you need in a relationship. Excuses for not returning calls, responding to texts, or breaking dates at the last minute. Excuses for why they just keep on making more excuses. As a direct result, as Mr. Washington so eloquently stated, it leads to failure — including in relationships. Because so long as all you do is make excuses, you don’t really focus on changing your behavior.
And when it comes to relationships, that just keeps you in the pattern of interactions with people who don’t ever really get around to going the distance.
7. Self-Sabotage Is Basically Your Middle Name
GiphyListen, I’m not saying that once you meet someone you really like, it can be a bit “scary” because…what if you go all in and it doesn’t work out? I get it. At the same time, though, it’s one thing to think that way — it’s another thing to become obsessed with that type of mindset to the point where you ruin everything all by yourself. That, my dear, is a form of self-sabotage, and it runs rampant when it comes to commitment-phobes.
So how can you know if self-sabotage is something you do indeed struggle with?
- You’re a poor communicator
- You make mountains out of molehills
- You’re dismissive of your partner’s needs
- You are emotionally erratic
- You’re entitled and/or ungrateful
- You nitpick at every little thing
- You gaslight — a lot
- You’re a serial dater
- You hate the idea of being sexually exclusive
- You keep finding a billion reasons to not settle down
Oh, there are more yet, as I wind this down, I think these 10 signs are enough to give you the overall gist. Bottom line with all of this is, a commitment is about devoting yourself to someone in both word and deed. And the actions above? They hinder that from being a true possibility, especially long-term.
____
Was this the most comfortable article? Of course not. It wasn’t meant to be. What I can assure you is if you commit to taking it seriously, you can break free from being a commitment-phobe and learn to embrace what it looks and feels like to be truly and fully committed to someone…as they do the same thing to/for/with you. Amen? Selah.
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