Weirdly, I've noticed that although big boobs are coveted, our fave fast fashion companies and lingerie lines don't cater to the admiration. And I'm not sure if it still comes down to some weird fashion fetish where smaller is better, but it sucks. It's yet another way society works to reinforce the narrative that you have to give up a certain niche of style and fashion if and when your body doesn't fit the standard of beauty set by industry folk. I believe this is why there have been very few lasting solutions that give women cleavage while lifting their breasts. Sure, I could be reaching...buuut I'm not.
But I digress because this here isn't political, not today. This is bottled up excitement and joy that I'm ready to reveal to the world.
You should know that my boobs have always been on the larger side. Yet, as God lays this grown woman weight on me thick as ever, my boobs have come to defy gravity. And as much as I prayed for days like this, I have to say that the newfound thickness comes with a whole new set of challenges. Also, if I'm keeping it all the way real, age is likely another factor as I'm sure the elasticity on these bad boys is not that of my 14-year-old self.
As someone who likes to free the nipple and titty whenever the opportunity presents, I've had to try all the tricks in the trade from double-sided tape to that Kim Kardashian tape hack.
Courtesy of Kiarra Sylvester
Still, I almost always end up with tape showing, peeling back, or saggy boobs – it's always, always a sacrificial ceremony. If you want to wear a plunging neckline, you can go braless and sag. Or, you can wear a bra and be a "tacky" heux (word to all the old heads). Or, you say no to little cute tops. Pick one, but never both and you better pick right. Until recently!
Thanks to the interweb's creepy algorithm that creates ad experiences based on my search history, I happily stumbled across the best things since Apple pie: Misses Kisses Frontless Bra. As far as I'm concerned the product creator, Amanda Marie, deserves a Noble Peace Prize for this one. Not only has she solved the never-ending conundrum of being a big boobed babe, but the fact that the bra is for long-term use – well, that's undoubtedly way, way better for the planet than all the stickies and other bullshit solutions used to lift and shift the girls. And this is a take I will stand on until the very end and the "why" can be summed up in two words: it works!
But because I'm a woman of many words I'm going to give you a few more "whys" to make this a well-rounded, soul- and titty-snatching review.
The Rundown
Unboxing
Upon receiving and unpackaging the bra, you might be a little terrified. At first glance, there are a good amount of moving parts and a big ass wire piece. It comes in a cute satin carry case, equipped with two regular pads (black or nude), four anti-slip stickies, and one lone strap. The one-size-fits-most (30B to 44J) bra comes in three different options: Shallow, Moderate, and Deep (currently out of stock). I have found that in almost all cases I can get away with the Moderate Plunge Bra Kit. When I can, I opt for the shallow plunge because it doesn't sit as low on my belly as the Moderate.
At 5'1'', the Moderate Bra dips into my gut, which is a major reason Amanda reassured me that I didn't need to get the deep plunge. Otherwise, the bra is no less comfortable than any other. It reminds me of a wire bra but it's far less restrictive because there are no straps. That alone eliminates a great deal of discomfort and pressure that is typically misplaced on the body.
Setting Up
Post-fitting with Amanda, I continued to reference the video while tinkering with my bra and setting up another. The more I practiced, the more intuitive it became. The "training wheels" strap that comes with the bra was very helpful in providing peace of mind the first couple of wears. As previously mentioned, this is a frontless backless bra made for all the oddly-cut shirts in your closet. With that in mind, there's definitely an adjustment period where it feels a little too free and while I was in that period, the strap helped provide a feeling of safety.
The pair of pads that you receive will be placed on your side-boob to help round out your breasts. The tutorial iterates that when they're pushed together, they lose volume and the pads aim to eliminate this. In my experience, the regular size pads didn't do it for me but this was something I figured rather quickly with the help of Amanda during my fitting. Because I was unsure of my cup size at the time of the fitting, I wasn't positive which pads I needed. But once I switched the standard out for those, all was right and I had an easier time situating the bra to fall near my nipple but not on it as instructed.
Let me add, that depending on various factors from breast and nipple size to the cut/angling of the top, you may find that you need pasties and double-sided wig tape to keep your breast nicely tucked away. I have found that this is usually necessary with spandex, stretchy materials that snapback (basically anything Fashion Nova). But with my plunging sweaters, I am able to pop on the bra and go with zero manipulation. This is not a reflection of the bra, but the breast and gravity. Regardless of what you need, I will say Misses Kisses and their founder are a one-stop-shop. Which brings me to the next thing...the glowing customer service exhibited throughout this process.
The Fitting and the Figurehead
Courtesy of Kiarra Sylvester
Honestly, not sure if I've ever received such amazing customer service in my life. Despite being a smaller-scale operation that requires all hands on deck, Amanda made herself available to do a fitting and customizable tutorial to help me get my MK bra to fit snuggly to my breasts. Because she is based in Los Angeles, we were able to do the session via video chat. And if you happen to live in LA, well, even better because the fitting is a service that is offered to all buyers who may need an extra hand after watching the tutorial. Throughout the entire process of writing this review, I was able to contact Amanda with any and all questions that I had, from how to properly store the bra to sending her pics to confirm I got it right. We were practically BFFs after the Facetime fitting, in the way that I demand anyone who has seen my boobs on the first "hang" to be.
And yes, if you opt for a video fitting it does require a level of comfort with both your own nudity as well as Amanda's because she essentially talks you through everything while you mirror her movements. It's worth noting, additionally, she was really great about being professional and there wasn't a moment I felt uncomfortable during this fitting. She does check-in to ensure you're comfortable with nudity beforehand and that's always a positive. As you may have noticed, common sense in customer service isn't always easy to come by. So it must be stated that she is considerate in the most basic, but necessary ways.
When it's all said and done the product is very customizable, which is what makes this product such a success in my opinion. Well, that and the fact that however you customize it, it does exactly what it's supposed to. Think back to when your mother would buy you oversized clothes so you could "grow into them" way back when? Well, for $125 here is a bra that allows you to grow with it. This is ideal for human beings period, as we know weight fluctuates but especially for us women. From PMS symptoms to pregnancy, and whatever else life throws at us in the name of womanhood--we deserve to feel and look our best. And if you've ever purchased a bra made for larger breasts, then you know the price point is well within reason for its magical, transformative ways.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
I'm A 34GG & Here's My Review Of 4 Size-Inclusive Bras
I Tried It: I Went Braless For A Week
#SaggyBoobsMatter: This Movement Encourages Women To Love Their Saggy Boobs
Featured image by writer Kiarra Sylvester
- I Tried It: Misses Kisses Frontless Bra Review - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Amazing Facts About Nipples - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images
