If you're like me, you live for that moment when you come home from a long day of adulting and get to remove your bra.
Ahhhh.... Our boobs silently thank us as we begin to unwind. I tend to bounce between a large B and a small C cup, so being part of the Itty Bitty Tittycollective means going braless isn't exactly new to me. I tend to let my girls do their own thing on weekends when I'm out running errands or if I have on something that just doesn't accommodate bra straps - but there's a caveat.
I've birthed a child and I'm inching towards my mid-thirties, so I try to make sure that my unbridled mom-boobs go unnoticed. I throw a sweater over them or a baggy t-shirt and secretly revel in the satisfaction of my passive freedom. This is especially the case when I'm dropping my 5-year-old off at school or heading into the xoNecole office.
So, because I'm pretty choosey about when I let the girls go au naturale, I knew this 7-day challenge was going to be interesting.
Monday
On day one, I have to say I dove right in. I wore a fitted top tucked into a striped pencil skirt.
Needless to say, my induction into the bra-free movement was ambitious. Right out the gate, I felt extremely insecure. I had to run to my son's school to drop off his Halloween costume and felt the security guard that greeted me staring me down.
It was a chilly day and I was out there - no safety net.
What I Learned
I'm not as liberated as I thought. As soon as eyes found my breasts, I shrank into myself. I made dumb jokes to try to keep the attention on my face instead of my chest and I kept my jacket zipped up - even when I was burning up.
Tuesday
The next day was a work-from-home day, so after dropping my son at school, I decided to head over to Starbucks and work from there instead of running home to hide.
I was a bit more daring in my ensemble, opting for a white mini t-shirt (that says,"More trees, less a**holes") and absolutely no safety net underneath.
What I Learned
While the women seemed to glance over in my direction and kind of give a subtle look of approval before moving on, the men lingered.
One guy who was sitting across from me stationed his gaze on my nipples (which I'm sure were serving as the cafe thermometer) for a solid 10 minutes. I finally said, "Can I help you with something?"
He got up and left.
Wednesday
It was Wednesday, and I was headed into the office.
Thankfully, the weather provided the perfect excuse to keep my bra-free-boobies out of the face of my fellow commuters, but when I got to the office, it was a different story.
For the sake of professionalism, I had a tank top on under my top, which also happened to be oversized and kept things pretty much camouflaged.
What I Learned
Those damn nipples... Every time the room chilled, I found myself covering them up with my arms.
My posture sunk and I did everything to make myself as small as possible. Not a great feeling.
Thursday
Thursday was a day to run errands, so I decided to face my insecurities a little more. I wore a grey ultra-low cut bodysuit under an over-sized sweater and jacket. The weather was cool but not cold, and with all the running around, I kept my jacket open almost the entire time.
From Target to the grocery store to the public library - my breasts were racking up looks, left and right.
What I Learned
Apparently, some men thought my breasts were their official concern. As I walked down a busy neighborhood street, one guy (who looked old enough to be my father) said, "Sis, you should really cover up."
I was suddenly invaded with the feeling of rage and a tinge of embarrassment. At no point did I look at him and decide it was my duty to inform him that his Timbs were scuffed to oblivion, so why did he feel his opinion about my shirt was so important to voice?
Friday
By Friday, returning to the office was a breeze.
I had been silently harassed, embarrassed, and gawked at all week. All I had to do was figure out a way to go bra-less at work one more time before the weekend. I went with an oversized grey sweater and admittedly kept my jacket on pretty much the entire day.
What I Learned
I will never be liberated enough to rock obvious nipples to work.
I don't even think it has anything to do with having a sense of freedom or patriarchy. I just don't think the gentlemen in my office environment should get to see my nipples.
Boom.
The Weekend
It was a kid-free weekend and I had spent way too much time all week worrying about, planning around, and trying to hide my breasts.
With very few social obligations on my plate. I spent my weekend musing around New York completely braless, and reveled in the freedom the weekend provided the experience. I didn't mind when they bounced or flopped around, and I didn't care if you could tell I was cold through my shirt.
My no-shame braless weekend felt downright rebellious.
Final Thoughts
Men don't think about whether or not their pants-bulge is offending anyone on the subway. They probably aren't much concerned with their man-nipples poking through their shirt when a stiff breeze hits them.
What I learned most about this experience is that women's bodies are way over-analyzed, mostly because every advertisement features a model with breasts perked and perched and appropriate for the occasion - whatever 'appropriate' even means.
But whether your breasts are size-deficient or gravity-addicted, whether they have fed babies or catch crumbs while you eat - it should be okay to let them loose whenever we please.
Since this little experiment, I've noticed myself opting out of a bra more and more often - and not just when I'm running to the liquor store at 11 PM. Slightly saggy, a little uneven, and rocking a lighter complexion than the rest of me - I'm fine with my girls in and out of a bra.
The world is just going to have to get used to it.
Originally published November 24, 2017
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- The Best Bras For Women, According To Everyday Women - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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Anyway, as we were also talking about how, let’s go with ho-hum, a lot of R&B is right now, especially when it comes to the lack of seduction that the genre used to have back in the day, I shared with him a joke that I once heard from comedian Deon Cole as he was comparing After 7 to today’s music. I’m actually going to post it below, so that you can get the full effect. LOL.
Video credit: @netflixisajoke
And that made me think of The Whispers and their throwback song, “In the Mood.” The real ones recall the lyrics: “Let me rub your shoulders (just relax)/Just let go/Slip on somethin' sexy/It's all right, baby, let me take control, hoo/ Step into the shower/I'll wash your back and you'll wash mine/Please stay for one more hour/I just want to make sweet love to you and feel you one more time….This is what I do to get you in the mood…Baby, I do it all to get you in the mood.” Ah, yes, music that sounds like intimacy instead of getting banged out.
And that made me want to ask a few women about what gets them in the mood as it directly relates to bedroom action, along with what, well, doesn’t. Check out what they said and then hop in the comments to share your own thoughts.
It’s always fascinating to hear about women’s sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
*Middle names are always used, so that people can speak freely*
1. Areyla. Single. 34.
GiphyTURN ON: “I’ve always been drawn to two things: how a man smells and how crisp his line-up is. You bring a man to me who smells earthy and sexy whenever I hug him, and then he has the nerve to have a fresh haircut — girl, I am all over him! I think that it mostly has to do with those things being a sign of self-care, in a meticulous way. And if you’re into the details of you, I have no question that you will be into the details of me.”
TURN OFF: “Dirty fingernails. I have a natural curve in my own nails, so I get that it’s not always about a lack of hygiene or that he’s negligent. I just know that if you want your hands to go into certain places and spaces, you’ve got to get up under those nails, babe. I keep metal files and nail brushes in my bathroom because of it.”
2. Dachelle. Dating. 29.
GiphyTURN ON: “There are dirty talkers, then there are sensual speakers. I don’t need you to sound like you transcribed a porn video during sex. I do like when a man drops his voice an octave, speaks barely above a whisper, and asks me questions like, ‘So, what do you want me to do to you tonight? Be specific.’ And don’t let him have a strong vocabulary! I am definitely a sapiosexual, so the more intentional he is with his words, the better.”
TURN OFF: “Men who don’t cuddle. Maybe that sounds obvious, but some of my friends couldn’t care less about that. To me, if you don’t want to be close to me unless you are inside of me, that feels like we only have a physical connection, and sex means more to me than that. A man who spoons me right after sex because he wants to is gonna get another round from me. A man who doesn’t doesn’t, he also doesn’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”
Shellie here: If you’re unfamiliar with what a sapiosexual is, check out “Tap Into What It Means To Be A Sapiosexual.”
3. Chayla. Engaged. 27.
GiphyTURN ON: “This might sound weird, but I like a man who doesn’t ‘come in hot.’ You know — guys who go down on you and act like they know just how you like it, or guys who immediately put you in a sex position and go ham like I should immediately be impressed. For me, that translates that they are doing to me what they’ve done with some woman before me, and we might not like the same things. That’s why I enjoy sexual conversations before sexual experiences. Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me. My fiancé is like that — and that’s a big part of why he’s about to be my husband.”
"Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me."
TURN OFF: “There’s nothing wrong with some hair pulling during sex; I’m all for it. What I need you to not do is pull my head into your stomach while I’m giving you head. There is already too much going on during that time and a sistah needs to breathe!”
Shellie here: We actually tackled the hair-pulling topic before on this platform. Check out “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” when you get a chance.
4. Indigo. Married. 41.
GiphyTURN ON: “I know I sound married when I say this, but — clean this house, baby. In our home, we have a chores chart, kind of like what some of us grew up with. My husband and I each have days when we do certain things, so when he takes the initiative to do what’s on my list? That’s less work for me, which gives me more energy for him. And don’t let that man cook and clean up the kitchen more than twice in a week. How do you want it? How do you freaking want it, my love?’
TURN OFF: “My husband does his own laundry. We’re all grown and just like we have periods, men have fluids ‘n stuff in their drawers too. That’s fine. But anyone who says that keeping some mystery in a marriage isn’t needed, that’s somebody who doesn’t want to have a lot of sex. Just sayin’.”
Shellie here: There’s actually something to that chore thing. Studies say that couples who share chores end up having more sex. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. Twyla. Dating. 25.
GiphyTURN ON: “Hickeys turn me on. Two things that I can’t do are whistle and give hickeys, so I’m amazed when others can do it — and yes, when I see…what do the older folks call it, love bites, on my breasts or tummy, that makes me feel desired on another level and it puts me in the mood pretty quick.”
TURN OFF: “Hickeys where you can see them are a turn-off, though. I don’t need people all up in my business. Also, guys who don’t let you know when they’re about to cum when they’re in your mouth. Not everyone’s taste and flow are the same down there, and I have a gag reflex. Announce the rainstorm, sir. I appreciate it.”
6. Essence. Married. 31.
GiphyTURN ON: “Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants. You ever had a man tongue down, not just your neck but your wrists, tummy, and even behind your knees? A good kisser is one thing. A good all-over-the-place one? I ain’t going no damn where.”
" Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants."
TURN OFF: “Stubble. On the face and down there. It puts me in a bind because I think my husband is sexy with a salt and pepper stubble beard, but when we do a lot of kissing, it gives me beard burn, and when I’m giving him head, stubbly pubes irritate my forehead. I mean, you asked.”
7. Queen. Divorced (and Dating). 33.
GiphyTURN ON: “Men who know that there is more to us than T&A is a huge turn on for me. Kiss my forehead. Lick my neck. When you’ve got my legs on your shoulders, kiss my legs. Suck on my fingers. Help me find new spots that turn me on. Sh-t. Is it hot in here? Damn.”
TURN OFF: “My turn off is the opposite of my turn on. It’s not even so much that I want a lot of foreplay — I just want you to act like you don’t just have to play with my kitty kat to get me going. Men who don’t learn how to enjoy all of a woman are lazy lovers — and that is going to turn me dry every time.”
8. Eleena. Single. 46.
GiphyTURN ON: “If you want to get me in the mood, call me to ask what kind of sex I want to have with you. Maybe it’s just me, but my mood can determine what I’m in the mood for. One day, I might want a lot of romance. One day, we might need a safe word. One day, a quickie is what I have in mind. Pre-gaming the sex by discussing gets me in the mood because it gets us both on the same page before anything happens — and that can already make sex hot as hell.”
TURN OFF: “I don’t like it when men have sex with themselves. I don’t mean masturbating — I mean, when you are nothing more than the audience to whatever they have in mind. It’s like they get off on themselves: looking in the mirror, asking 'Do you like that?' when they aren’t really doing anything. If we’re having sex, I need you present and into me. Otherwise, you can do whatever you had in mind…by yourself…at your house.”
9. Reveeda. Married. 43.
GiphyTURN ON: “A lot of times, it’s not the sex itself that makes sex boring — it’s the predictableness of it. Take me while I’m washing my face in the bathroom. Go down on me in the driveway of our home. Shoot me a text and tell me to meet you at the first hotel where we had sex. My husband is the best that I’ve ever had because, yes, he’s good in bed, but more than that, he’s spontaneous and that gets me in the mood — and keeps me in the mood.”
TURN OFF: “69’ing turns me off. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and it’s hard for me to concentrate. Plus, I can’t get the right angle while doing him, and I can’t put his head where I want it to be while he’s doing me. Y’all can keep that position. Sex shouldn’t be so complicated.” (She laughed while she said it.)
10. Umi. Divorced (and Single) 36.
GiphyTURN ON: “I like to be flung around like I only weigh 10 pounds. I like to be choked. I like a man who stares me dead in the eyes while eating me up. Sexual confidence is gonna get me every time.”
TURN OFF: “Men who bring their ego into the bedroom. You might think that confidence and an ego are the same thing, but they’re not. Men who want to be rated, who want to know if I think their penis is the best ever or who assume that they are doing me right without consulting me — that’s not confidence; that’s peak insecurity and a total waste of my time. From the bottom of my heart, check your ego at the door.”
____
There you have it — 10 women who are crystal clear about what gets them going and what stops them dead in their tracks. What can you relate to? What makes little to no sense to you at all?
At the very least, forward this on to your girlfriends and hold your own unofficial polls the next time that y’all meet up. You never know what you might learn to get you even more in the mood — and what to do about the things that get you out of that same headspace.
After all, knowledge is power. Even in that bedroom of yours.
Straight up.
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Featured image by Giphy