

What It Takes To Heal A Broken Friendship
Something that I've noticed that y'all love to read (and respond to) on our site is articles about friendship. I really dig that too. To me, it's a sign that, as grown Black women, we all know that there is real value in having that kind of connection, whether it's with other women or platonic friendship with men. But because we're all human, AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES (that's in all caps for extra emphasis), sometimes we can find ourselves in relationships that can become so broken that they end up ending. It's due to the fact that the issues, pain or offenses are so layered or deep that we don't see any other recourse.
I've read enough comments on our posts about challenges in friendships to know that some of you feel like once a friendship "breaks", it's irreparable. But I don't. Mostly, it's because, I've had instances where a friend of mine and I have called it quits, grown during the time apart, and then come back together—better than ever. Rebuilding a broken friendship is indeed possible. It's all about knowing if it's worth it, keeping an open mind and then applying the tips that I have shared below.
Take Time to Grieve
When I think about the friendships that took me a long time to emotionally move on from versus the ones that I was able to process, heal and get over in a fairly short amount of time, the main difference was that, in the former, I didn't fully go through the grieving process.
Hear me when I say that if you actually got to a point and place with someone where you let them into your life enough to call them your "friend", then, I don't care what caused the two of you to end your relationship, it's a loss. And when we lose things, we need time to be able to grieve them.
If you're not sure what the grieving process consists of, the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's only once you've thoroughly processed through all of these steps that you can be really sure that you're at a point and place where you're emotionally ready to even consider reconciliation with someone; especially if it's someone who hurt (or even just disappointed) you on a deep and profound level.
Get Clear on What Went Wrong
Once you know that you've gone through all of the stages of grief, to the point where you can fully accept the reality of where and how things are now, it's time to ponder what actually caused things to go left between you and your (former) friend. See, when you're in denial or angry (the first two grieving phases), it's easy to have a tainted and/or one-sided perspective. You might be tempted to blame everything on them or not want to look at where you also possibly made some mistakes along the way too (think of the Issa and Molly, from Insecure, dynamic; they both had some things they could do better).
For instance, I remember when one of my friends ghosted me out of nowhere. Because I used to be a codependent type of person, I initially took on all of the blame. But then I thought about how, especially over the last 2-3 years of our friendship, how many times I reached out to her, I initiated us hanging out, how often she told me that she pretty much thought she sucked at all relationships, and that she was still learning what love meant. Because we had been in each other's lives for so long, I never really thought about what I wasn't getting from her. But when I really stepped back and looked at the relationship from a broader scope, in all actuality, it probably ran its course, well before she ghosted. I simply had ignored the warning signs. Yet once I accepted that reality for what it was, it was easier to come to the conclusion that releasing her was best. All the way around. That there were too many broken pieces to actually rebuild; especially since her past patterns made it pretty evident that I would be doing most of the work, per usual, if we tried to move forward.
Ask Yourself If You’ve Grown in Your Own Weaknesses
Meanwhile, there's another friend of mine where, we took a break for a season. About a year, actually. She has always been my call-me-out-on-my-ish and I-want-to-see-it-from-another-angle friend, so it was pretty much par for the course when, while going through a heartbreak, she wanted to talk about all of the things that I could've done differently while trying to see why "he" was being a complete and total ass. At the time, I didn't need critical thinking. I was devastated. What I needed was comfort. Anyway, my friends know that I will communicate my needs, almost ad nauseum, so it wasn't that she was unaware of all of this. I told her. Several times. Still, she kept pushing…and pushing…to where I finally snapped and told her that I needed some space. And yes, that space equated to being approximately 12 months. Not really on purpose. But in hindsight, it was very necessary.
During that time, I thought about why it got to that boiling point for me. I realized that, because I grew up as a victim of a few forms of abuse, among church folks who either downplayed or tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about because I was in a "popular" family (chile, that's an article within itself), I never really knew what it meant to feel validated. So, when I would experience pain as an adult and someone didn't console me and/or would challenge me before consoling me, it would take me back to my childhood. All things work together though, because, you know what? If I had remained in the relationship with my friend, without the break, I probably wouldn't have figured all of that out. Plus, during that season of us being apart, she told me that she learned that her timing and approach needed to improve. Not just with me but across the board.
Sometimes, things break in order to come back together. But what's the point in rebuilding a friendship if things aren't going to be better than they were before? That's why assessing your own weaknesses is beneficial before reconciling with a friend.
This brings me to my next point.
Make Sure There Is Actually Something to Go Back To
The first friendship that I referenced, I was doing more giving than what I was getting. Because of how much history she and I have, and the amount of time that we spent together (years and years), I will always care about her, but the relationship is done. The second relationship? Even though we're back to communicating on a consistent basis, I recently got an email, out of the blue, from her about how proud she is of my growth and how much she appreciates me being in her life. She knows that words of affirmation is my primary love language, so she is intentional about speaking it often. Even though there have definitely been bumps along the way, I can truly say that my second friend didn't only benefit me in my past, but she is still blessing me in the present.
If you are considering rebuilding a friendship with someone, it is imperative that you're not just going back because you miss them or what the two of you once shared. Get clear on if they serve you in the here and now and, if you are prepared to do the same for them. Especially since, there's a pretty good chance that the ending of the friendship has changed the both of you—which means that you'll both need to be open to making some adjustments so that your "new normal" can be better than your old friendship once was.
Have a REAL and HUMBLE Discussion (Preferably Face to Face)
Once you've done some real personal self-assessing, if you do think that the friendship is worth reviving, it's time to reach out to have a conversation with your (former) friend. If they are open—and it's been my personal experience that, more times than not, they are—share with them your thoughts about why the friendship ended, what the time apart has personally revealed to you and also why you'd like to try again. Speak in the manner you'd want to be spoken to but try and avoid walking on eggshells. It makes absolutely no sense to restart a friendship if it's not going to be from a pure and genuine place.
Then give your friend the space to share what is on their heart as well. The key is to have an open mind while also internally asking yourself if you feel like the two of you would be good for each other, based on where both of you are, in the moment. It's not about putting up walls, ego trippin' or trying to one-up each other (if either of you feel the need to do all of that, you probably should just leave well enough alone). It's about both of you getting really real, being humble enough to hear each other out and then coming to a conclusion about if you both are willing to put the work in to rebuild the connection again.
Rebuild One Day at a Time
If you both do want to give your friendship another shot, as the old saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day. Regardless of what caused the break-up in the first place, time is going to need to heal a few things. You're both going to have to learn how to fully trust each other again. You're both going to have to accept each other, based on where the two of you are now (not where you were at the time of the break-up). You're both going to have to make sure that you truly have forgiven one another (which means, not reliving the break-up over and over…and over and over again). And, you're both going to have to move at a different pace as you "relearn" each other on some levels.
As a marriage life coach, I deal with a lot of people who struggle with mending brokenness in relationships. Sometimes, the pain makes us want to build up fortresses rather than extend an olive branch while remaining open to trying again. But when someone is valuable to you, when you are valuable to them, and you're both committed to moving past, whatever "it" was, oftentimes the "reboot" of the relationship can be even better than what the two of you had before. Because you've both learned and you know better—now.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to rebuild a broken friendship. So long as you and your friend are willing to work at it—together. Just remember that it will take work. And yes, you will need to do it…together.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Journaling
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Meditating
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an Orgasm
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for You
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
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At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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