Dear Queen: An Open Letter To Women Dealing With Heartbreak
Dear Queen:
I'm no expert on life, love, relationships, or religion. I just know pain when I see it.
I, too, have felt its familiar harness close to my mind, heart, and soul--the pain's gripping circulation grappling at all of who you are. My heart breaks most days thinking of you crying yourself to sleep at night. I often wonder if one day the hurt will seem just too hard to bear and you will decide tomorrow is not worth witnessing. I wish there was something I could do to make it all stop. To make you feel like you could wake up and this would all be over, but I can't.
Just let me tell you what I know to be true.
Life will sometimes make you feel as if you will be broken irrevocably. Situations will come along frequently without warning to make you lose sense of yourself, to make you feel lost, to make you feel miserable…even desperate at times. You will begin to settle in with worthlessness whispering in your ear. It will disturb you at every waking moment and taunt you until you listen. You will flail and scrape for shame the glue holding the remnants of you together.
You will live and breathe out of emotions that will take its toll on you and you won't even recognize yourself.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
Somewhere along the lines you've developed life patterns, more like love patterns, of worry, of doubt, of anxiousness. You've acquired these false images and saw yourself in the frame. Too much time you've spent on disguised brief satisfactions of love due to typical fixations.
Too much time you've spent doubting everything because one person taught you, you weren't anything. You weren't worthy.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
In that moment, you didn't know it was second-rate love and the real thing you had to wait on. In that moment, you didn't give your heart permission to be trampled upon.
In that moment, you didn't know that sometimes your first source of love could be the first source of your pain.
Now you're burned and you're searching and assessing through your insecurities because you didn't know. Now you're doing things that at times you know are wrong because it's easy and it's comfortable. Because you didn't know.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
It's not your fault. Someone once told me, “Good people make mistakes too."
You can't do anything about what you didn't know, but you can do something with what you've learned.
Dear Queen, you're not burned because of your past, nor due to your mistakes.
You're burned because you're walking around with half of yourself knowing you're counterfeit, but you're pretending you're whole.
You can't keep trying to pass off a facade of yourself.
To him. To her. To another friend. To another relationship.
You can't keep doing that.
You'll lose them.
You'll lose yourself.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
Only for so long can you keep cohabitating with life in brokenness.
There is no way you can make sense of it all.
You must go through the process of becoming whole again and it won't be easy.
It will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. I don't know nor do I have all the answers. But I do know who does--God. God can reverse it all. He will rescue you in your pain, but you have to stop hiding just because it hurts.
Don't you keep missing your moment because you are worried, afraid, or ashamed. Take a chance on you today.
All those things you've dreamed about are still being worked out. There are more opportunities waiting on you. The best thing you can do right now, in this moment, is to become intimate with God by becoming intimate with yourself.
Dear Queen--It is my prayer for you that you will take the sweetest baptismal in God's love.
That you will be so enmeshed by God that you are one, purified by his grace and mercy.
And you will walk upright knowing your sufficiency by knowing His.
-xo
Dominique
Dear Queen is a series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a “Dear Queen" letter or a personal essay you'd like to submit? We want to read it! E-mail your submissions to editor@xonecole.com.
This letter is written by Dominique Mack, a writer, counselor, and advocate whose vision is to help people heal through their own stories. She hails from Brunswick, GA and regularly blogs for those finding their way at: A Regular Girl Who Loves The Lord.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried The Signature Facial, And It Wasn’t Your Average Facial
My skin has been on the struggle bus lately. Between intense dryness and occasional hormonal breakouts, I don’t know what my skin needs some days. It had been about two months since my last facial when Isabelle McLeod, a licensed esthetician, recommended that I try a signature facial. I have tried several facials that all claimed to be “life-changing.” However, the itinerary for this treatment was more than I ever expected. The facial includes microdermabrasion, dermaplaning, enzyme treatment, extractions, red light therapy, cryotherapy, and a mask. Its mission is to cater to your skin’s needs for the best results moving forward.
I had never seen a facial packed with so many steps and was skeptical about it providing “instant results.” Still, I had booked the appointment in hopes that I would somehow be proven wrong. The beauty world can be full of promises; sometimes, it’s hard to see past glamorized marketing. McLeod welcomed me in her stunning office with open arms. Her energy was graceful and warm. I immediately felt comfortable opening up about my skin struggles as she listened openly. Here are a few of the questions I asked her.
How Often Should You Really Get a Facial?
Affording a facial regularly is a privilege most of us would kill for. I like to look at facials like doctor's or dentist's appointments. Yes, you don’t have to go as often, but you should at least try to shoot for a few times a year. McLeod advocates booking a facial every four to eight weeks, depending on your skin needs. Mcleod says, “If you’re someone who has acne or hyperpigmentation, I typically recommend coming in every four weeks until we can get the skin balanced.”
Regular Facials Don’t Mean Less Care for the Skin.
Even if you get a luxe treatment like the signature facial, we must care for our skin. Having dry skin during the winter months has caused me to be diligent about my skin needs. I expressed this to McLeod as she educated me on the importance of being selective about my skincare products each season. “I am big on using hyaluronic acid; it penetrates the skin well and allows you to achieve the moisture you’re looking for,” says McLeod. She also suggested using the popular skincare product twice a day for those with dryer skin textures. I appreciated this since my skin is mostly dry at night and when I wake up.
Signature Facials Are a Good First Step to Balancing Your Skin.
The signature facial intrigues me because it is dedicated to targeting your skin's needs. I hoped it would combat my dryness and put my hormonal pimple in place. As my consultation with McLeod went further, I wondered if I would need to get the 90-minute facial every time. McLeod's answer was the relief I needed. “We recommend people do the signature facial the first time they come in because it’s consultative, we build a routine for you, and it creates a foundation for healthy skin,” says McLeod. Before I knew it, it was time for me to get cozy and take my first step to having a better relationship with my skin.
CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images
The Signature Facial Process.
McLeod tackled my skin needs with microdermabrasion first. I felt cozy under a heated blanket as she purged all the build-up in my pores. As the treatment continued, she provided dermaplaning and a cooling enzyme treatment. Both proceeders put me in a deep sense of relaxation. I was nearly about to fall asleep until McLeod informed me it was time for extractions. At the time, I only had one hormonal pimple that needed to be evicted. McLeod proceeded to tackle my breakout and smaller ones I had around my chin and forehead area. The extractions were painful, but knowing she cleared my pores was satisfying.
Once the extractions were finished, my face was on the sensitive side. McLeod soothed my sensitivity by providing a treatment mask and a hot towel now and then. Something about the hot towel put my skin at rest. I relaxed again as she offered a red light treatment to erase unwelcome bumps. At this moment, the battle of the extractions was worth it, and I was excited about the result.
The Results Are Better Than You Think.
I have had my fair share of facials, and not all have been worth the time or the money. The signature facial is worth every penny! When I got up for McLeod’s facial setup, my skin was glowing with intense moisturization. I had some redness from the extraction process. My hormonal pimple had subsided as a result, which was more than enough to satisfy me. As I continued my day, my skin radiated as if I were reborn again. Finally, I found a talented esthetician who could target my hormonal acne and dryness.
My skin did become sensitive, just like McLeod had warned me, as the day turned into night. But hey! What’s beauty without a bit of pain? I made sure to be gentle with my skin by washing it with a calming face cleanser. I also avoided putting any harsh serums (not that it needed any). Opting for a simple hydrating moisturizer was enough to hold my skin for the night. If you want to reboot your skin, I highly recommend the signature facial.
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Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images