

Dear Queen: An Open Letter To Women Dealing With Heartbreak
Dear Queen:
I'm no expert on life, love, relationships, or religion. I just know pain when I see it.
I, too, have felt its familiar harness close to my mind, heart, and soul--the pain's gripping circulation grappling at all of who you are. My heart breaks most days thinking of you crying yourself to sleep at night. I often wonder if one day the hurt will seem just too hard to bear and you will decide tomorrow is not worth witnessing. I wish there was something I could do to make it all stop. To make you feel like you could wake up and this would all be over, but I can't.
Just let me tell you what I know to be true.
Life will sometimes make you feel as if you will be broken irrevocably. Situations will come along frequently without warning to make you lose sense of yourself, to make you feel lost, to make you feel miserable…even desperate at times. You will begin to settle in with worthlessness whispering in your ear. It will disturb you at every waking moment and taunt you until you listen. You will flail and scrape for shame the glue holding the remnants of you together.
You will live and breathe out of emotions that will take its toll on you and you won't even recognize yourself.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
Somewhere along the lines you've developed life patterns, more like love patterns, of worry, of doubt, of anxiousness. You've acquired these false images and saw yourself in the frame. Too much time you've spent on disguised brief satisfactions of love due to typical fixations.
Too much time you've spent doubting everything because one person taught you, you weren't anything. You weren't worthy.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
In that moment, you didn't know it was second-rate love and the real thing you had to wait on. In that moment, you didn't give your heart permission to be trampled upon.
In that moment, you didn't know that sometimes your first source of love could be the first source of your pain.
Now you're burned and you're searching and assessing through your insecurities because you didn't know. Now you're doing things that at times you know are wrong because it's easy and it's comfortable. Because you didn't know.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
It's not your fault. Someone once told me, “Good people make mistakes too."
You can't do anything about what you didn't know, but you can do something with what you've learned.
Dear Queen, you're not burned because of your past, nor due to your mistakes.
You're burned because you're walking around with half of yourself knowing you're counterfeit, but you're pretending you're whole.
You can't keep trying to pass off a facade of yourself.
To him. To her. To another friend. To another relationship.
You can't keep doing that.
You'll lose them.
You'll lose yourself.
Dear Queen, that's not you. None of that is you.
Only for so long can you keep cohabitating with life in brokenness.
There is no way you can make sense of it all.
You must go through the process of becoming whole again and it won't be easy.
It will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. I don't know nor do I have all the answers. But I do know who does--God. God can reverse it all. He will rescue you in your pain, but you have to stop hiding just because it hurts.
Don't you keep missing your moment because you are worried, afraid, or ashamed. Take a chance on you today.
All those things you've dreamed about are still being worked out. There are more opportunities waiting on you. The best thing you can do right now, in this moment, is to become intimate with God by becoming intimate with yourself.
Dear Queen--It is my prayer for you that you will take the sweetest baptismal in God's love.
That you will be so enmeshed by God that you are one, purified by his grace and mercy.
And you will walk upright knowing your sufficiency by knowing His.
-xo
Dominique
Dear Queen is a series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a “Dear Queen" letter or a personal essay you'd like to submit? We want to read it! E-mail your submissions to editor@xonecole.com.
This letter is written by Dominique Mack, a writer, counselor, and advocate whose vision is to help people heal through their own stories. She hails from Brunswick, GA and regularly blogs for those finding their way at: A Regular Girl Who Loves The Lord.
Featured image by Getty Images
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
The $1900 Anti-Aging Beauty Find Kelly Rowland Uses Almost Every Night
Every now and then, a celebrity name drops a tool or regimen that they swear by to keep their beauty and fitness game on lock. And every now and then, those finds make us think that whatever product they're using might be worth the investment. Today, Kelly Rowland just so happens to be that girl.
Over the weekend, while headling Beautycon, the 42-year-old singer revealed to PEOPLE that her biggest beauty splurge comes in the form of LED light therapy. She told the outlet, "There's this light by Shani Darden, the LED light, and it's not cheap. But I literally sleep under it every night."
LED stands for Light Emitting Diode, and in light therapy, these little diodes emit different wavelengths of light to benefit your skin. LED light therapy has seen an uptick in popularity for its benefits, which range from acne reduction and skin rejuvenation to pain relief and a more even skin tone.
She continued, “It's like a 20 to 30-minute time limit. When I'm under there, it [has] red lights, blue lights, and other colors of light. But those are the ones that I use the most, and they are so awesome because of the simple fact that they are like killing germs and [helping with] anti-aging, which is amazing."
Kelly didn't lie when she said her go-to beauty device was a "splurge." Retailing at a whopping $1,900, the Shani Darden best-selling LED Light Therapy Mask "is clinically proven to reduce acne, pigmentation, and wrinkles." Per the website, the re-engineered "diode LEDs deliver the highest dose of red, blue and near infrared light therapy in cutting-edge wavelength combinations for smoothing, clearing and brightening benefits."
Kelly is someone who gets badder with age, and over the years, the wife and mom have been vocal about her dedication to self-care through the use of beauty products. In a 2022 interview with PEOPLE, she shared her inner beauty philosophy, "Give yourself as many compliments as you possibly can. You start with one, you can have two. You have two, you can have four."
Keep scrolling for some of Kelly Rowland's other beauty faves, including a couple of additional Shani Darden finds:
Pat McGrath Labs Sublime Perfection Foundation
Pat McGrath Labs
"For me [with foundation] it was either not enough coverage or too much coverage … Pat [McGrath] found the perfect blend of them both," Kelly told PEOPLE. "This is actually my color, and it blends in beautifully with the skin – the texture of it is just like silk. I brush it on, or, sometimes I use the little sponge and push it into the skin. It's my favorite. She just nailed it, she really nailed it."
Shani Darden Skin Care Facial Sculpting Wand
The Cut
Regarding this product, Kelly revealed to The Cut, "I go up my cheekbones, across my skin and my temples with her wand — it’s incredible."
Shani Darden Skin Care Retinol Reform
"I've been with [esthetician] Shani [Darden] for almost 10 years. I was having the toughest time with my skin after I had Titan [seven years ago]. Before she sold this, she put it in a little tube for me and told me when and how to use it–she likes to educate, which I really appreciate–and my skin changed in a matter of two weeks." - via PEOPLE
Augustinus Bader the Rich Cream
The Cut
“Sometimes I use the Rich Cream, and sometimes I just use the Cream," she explained to The Cut about her product preferences.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Beautycon™