As we grow older, friendships that no longer serve us almost become inevitable. We've all experienced our fair share, we all know a few toxic people. In hindsight, the signs of a toxic friend seems obvious, but sometimes when you're in them, it's not always so clear.
Because I'm a bit older, I always think to Girlfriendsand the dynamic of Toni Childs and Joan. Toni was damn near unbearable to anyone without boundaries, primarily Joan. She would sneak diss, take advantage, and in many cases, completely disregard her friends. As a main character of the show, we rooted for her, but honestly, sis was toxic af. Breaking up with bad friends isn't something that used to be discussed often (which is why Toni was revered a show fave, versus the villain that she could be), but Insecure's recent highlight of the subject between Issa and Molly, has brought the subject to the forefront.
On this week's Happy Hour podcast episode, Amer and Sheriden explored this topic:
When it's time to break away from friendships that no longer serve us, how do we do it? How do we even know when it's time? What happens when that growth has you pulled in different directions?
Press play and tune in as our favorite ladies dive into:
- Toxic friends
- Friendships we've outgrown
- And the subsequent friendship breakups that they lead to
Have you ever had to break up with a friend?
Amer and Sheriden are accepting voice notes! Click here to send them a 1-2 minute question for your chance to receive on-air advice directly from them! Also, be sure to subscribe and listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
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Navigating Friendship Breakups Show Notes:
Pre-Game:
Clubhouse App (invite-only exclusive new app in the beta stages that has a bunch of super-influencers and celebrity "think tank")
Michael B. Jordan has a new boo (allegedly)! And she's a certain *cough* hue *cough*
Shonda Rhimes isn't with the shade, ABC. #kanyeshrug
Birkin Bags and Saweetie: why is this an indicator of a good boyfriend?
Quincy Brown had a moment, y'all.
Happy Hour:
We open the show by playing a voice note from xoListener, AJ: Breaking up with friends...how?
Tweet: @shesguru
Thoughts?
Sheriden: It's normal to outgrow people. It can be difficult if you don't have tools to communicate it. We have the conversation around relationships, and not necessarily friendships. Currently dealing with this issue.
Amer: You're friends with people at certain stages. It's up to knowing how to navigate the journey. It's never easy, but each situation is it's own case. Set boundaries, and choose yourself.
What do you do when the friendship breakup is no one's fault?
Do we implement boundaries more in relationships vs. friendships?
You aren't going to allow the same things you did when you were younger.
We all can be the toxic friend at some point, it's your duty to realize you're being a shit friend.
Tips for breaking up with friends:
- Assess your feelings, validate them
- Have a conversation with that friend, seeing how they respond
- Assess that response
- Make a decision
Types of friends:
- Jealous
- The one-uppers
- Weird "complimenters"
- Insecure a.k.a those who perceive that you're competing...when you're not.
Sis, stop saying, and being, that girl that says "I don't have many girlfriends." *eye roll*
Is it a necessity for you to call someone a friend?
You have to be a friend to have a friend. *poetry snaps*
Is it easier to break up in a romantic relationship than a friendship?
What lessons have you learned from leaving a friendship that you've outgrown?
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
Netflix
Birkin
Chanel
Gucci
Girlfriends
Insecure
Bustle's "Issa Rae Has More To Do"
People Mentioned In This Episode:
Meek Mill
Mulatto
Necole
Joe Rogan
Joe Budden
Michael "Bae" Jordan
Jamie Foxx
The Beckhams
Shonda Rhimes
Drake
Saweetie
Quincy Brown
Frida Kahlo
Melinda Gates
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Feature image by Shutterstock
- Issa Rae On Why "Friendship Breakups" Hurt Just as Much ... ›
- Friendship after a breakup: How to rekindle your platonic love | Well ... ›
- Why Ending a Friendship Can Be Worse Than a Breakup | Time ›
- How To Break Up With A Friend - Friendship Breakups | Goop ›
- Ask MR: How Do I Deal With the End of a Friendship? - Repeller ›
- Defriending: Navigating the Friendship Breakup by Faith G. Harper ... ›
- How to Deal with a Friendship Breakup Like an Adult - Camille Styles ›
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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