She was a student at Ohio State University, strong into her third year of college when we met. Her skin brown, mind focused and the body was banging. She 22 years young and me three years her senior found attraction and sexual healing to be ever present. Alone time, phone time, and at any time for that matter produced feelings of intimate emotions.
My identity was that of a womanize/woman pleaser. We made a promise to not insert or pervert anything into our relationship before jumping the broom. Grandma always said:
[Tweet ""It's hard to come together when her legs are always spread.""]
Thank you Grandma for the vivid imagery. I took this to heart as a man and understood the role I played in making our relationship work. The bedroom has always sent men away mentally when we dry hump or hump a woman prematurely.
I have laid on many beds, futons, back seats, floors and countertops in my young life. Countless moments of experiencing sex with a woman not yet my wife produced poor results. Not for me as a man necessarily, but for “her.” She is the casual sex on a Saturday night after Netflix and chill. She is the long-time friend now estranged friend you couldn’t help but feel up. Men don't feel the pain women feel when we exit you physically and emotionally.
[Tweet "Countless moments of experiencing sex with a woman not yet my wife produced poor results. "]
This is why I can appreciate the effort Russell Wilson took with Ciara. We as men need a challenge at all times. Chasing you sexually is one challenge, but taming the beast in our groin is a far greater challenge for many. With Charlie Sheen announcing his HIV positive status, isn’t it best to avoid those moments of sadness? Sure it is! So here are three ways to avoid the early on set of lustfulsexualfluenza.
1. Netflix and Chill must turn into Matinee and Milkshakes.
You can no longer stay past the 7 pm hour with your lust burning you up. If you believe this relationship is indeed different then do something different. Yes, you are an adult but you will look like an old child at 40 years, single, and searching the bar at Happy Hour for a quality connection.
2. Form a pact
We both made a commitment which gave both of us a sense of guilt if we failed. If one party feels the victory lies in laying down with you for a rendezvous it will be tough to fend them off long term. Get on the same page for the purpose of the relationship because it’s the only reason we made it through.
3. Fight the Lust Line.
Can’t you imagine the feeling of their body on top of yours? Does the images of orgasmic wild sex with them just send you overboard? I bet they do indeed! There is no manual on how to turn these thoughts off. You have to know some nights will be your weak night and vice versa. Remind each other of the commitment you made. Even when you slip up once or thrice, get back on the wagon. Your relationship will thank you for it long term.
Waiting to have sex with my wife was my commitment to her long term. I know as a man that we can be master manipulators long after being masturbators in our adolescents. Learned habits take root in our formative years on how women tick. Your vulnerability, sensuality and desire to be loved fall in line with our playbook. I will tell the unborn daughter I may raise that “Sex is your right to have, but 9/10 it hurts your chances of building the strongest bond with Him.”
You may be reading this thinking “Why is this man telling me not to have sex before marriage?” It is merely for you to be the empowered and respected woman you desire to be. Sex with you is worth so much to us men. We spend money, think of dates, protect you, stare, send good morning text and blush emoji’s. Not just for the draws, but yes for the draws. We eventually fall in love with you. If done correctly our desire for you will force us to pursue you all the way to the wedding day.
My son is easily bribed at two years old. His love for fruit snacks of any kind and shape makes him vulnerable. When I offer him the thing he loves the most I create a magnet for my desires to be fulfilled.
Your heart desires that commitment I gave to my wife seven years ago. We fulfilled that commitment but not without our share of hiccups. Our hands landed in places our loins couldn’t. Even in those moments, due to our commitment to avoiding sex, we felt a guilt and conviction. Promise yourself this time will be different.
Promise your body that who enters the home of your heart next won’t just visit, but move in forever.
I’ve been married for five years now, but can’t even recall the names or amount of women I misused selfishly. Live through me and know sex is the King of the chess board.
You are the Queen, so you have all the moves and power necessary to protect it.
Chris Marvel is a Relationship Coach/Expert and author of upcoming book “Love Laws- Rules of Love and Relationships in the 21st Century.” He is known for offering commentary and insights on professional athletics, leadership, human development, and spiritual growth. He a columnist for the Call and Post Newspaper and a recent "Emerging Leaders" honoree in Who's Who in Black Cleveland. He has shared the stage with Iyanla Vanzant and Wendy Williams at the Empower One Conference in 2015 as well. Learn more about Chris at ChrisMarvel.Life.