My Relationship Expectations Almost Ruined My Man's Proposal
For my 28th birthday, my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Catalina Island.
We went parasailing, rock climbing, had a couple's massage, and drinks before heading back to our hotel, a cozy B&B-styled inn - very different from any hotel we had ever visited. It was absolutely perfect. I had been secretly hoping he would propose to me and my birthday felt like the perfect occasion for him to do so. After years of dating, and more recently my engagement questioning being following with a mere "soon" from him, I was anxious for him to pop the question.
I was more than ready to finally start planning happily ever after with the man of my dreams.
We talked about marriage often but until a ring was on my finger I felt as though it was merely that, just talk. I was becoming frustrated with simply being a "girlfriend" and couldn't understand why he hadn't yet asked me to marry him. Sure, finances weren't exactly perfect, but if we could make things work living together, we could also find a way to do so as a married couple.
By the time dinner came around, I simply could not sit still. Seated at a table with a gorgeous view of the outside, I imagined a band coming up and singing as he got down on one knee, or possibly the other diners applauding and taking pictures as he proposed. The possibilities of our dinner being "the moment", had me jittery with anticipation for what he would surely ask me. But, when dessert came and no proposal had happened, I desperately tried to disguise the look of utter disappointment on my face. "You ready to go?" he asked after we had both had a few bites of the ice cream and chocolate dessert the restaurant gifted me.
"Sure," was the only response I could muster.
When we got back to the hotel, I threw on sweats and a sweatshirt he had purchased for my birthday and laid across the bed. Scrolling aimlessly through my phone, I did anything to avoid facing him. I was hurt. In all fairness, the day had gone perfectly. He purchased me a few gifts that I loved on top of all of the fun things we did together, but I didn't get the one thing I truly wanted: an engagement ring.
Admittedly, I'm the type of person that always wants to be in control of things. Hell, if I go out, I always try to be the one who drives so I have control of when I leave - and that's one example of my need for control. I like things done a certain way so I always end up doing everything myself. When it comes to my relationship though, I felt powerless in not being able to decide when I got engaged. The lack of control was driving me insane.
When I finally realized nothing else was going to happen and I wouldn't receive the proposal of my dreams, I got underneath the covers and started dozing off to prevent my frustration from causing me to say something to him that I didn't mean. "Are you going to sleep?" he asked.
"I started dozing off," I admitted.
"Well, you can't go to sleep this early on your birthday, it isn't even 10 o'clock. Lets go for a walk or something, I'm not tired."
"Fine we can do that," I slipped on some sandals and sneaked a peak at him. Realizing he hadn't grabbed for anything out of his bag or changed out of his suit from dinner, I started to come to terms that it simply was not going to happen.
We walked aimlessly around the island talking and taking in the views. I mostly listened until we reached a spot by the rocks where the moon perfectly shone down on the water as the waves crashed against the rocks. "I probably could have bought you that bag you wanted, you know if we didn't do all this," he said.
I could hear the negative self-talk in the back of my head:Well, then you could have also bought a ring. I stopped myself from saying it aloud. "When we get back I really want to work on being a better boyfriend." Boyfriend? Not fiancé? Not husband? I stopped myself again. It took everything in my power not to blurt out, "Okay, so why didn't you propose?"I knew that he had worked hard on planning my birthday and that he had sacrificed a lot financially to ensure I had an amazing day so I bit my tongue with my disappointments.
"So you ready to head back?" he asked.
"Yea," was my only response.
"Oh yea I forgot I have one more gift for you."
The moonlight revealed a cunning smile on his face. It was in that moment that I knew he was about to propose. "I want to give you my heart, and my last name, and make you my wife."
He slowly got on one knee and revealed the ring that had been in his pocket the entire time. A meticulously placed light shone directly on the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen. "Ashley, will you marry me?" he asked.
"You tricked me! Yes, Yes, I love you," I cried as I became swept up into the hug he gave me.
The walk back was full of laughter as he revealed to me the joy he had watching me squirm knowing what he planned, the conversation he had on the phone with my parents the day before when he asked my dad for my hand in marriage, and how he wanted us to tell his mother about the engagement together in person.
After his proposal, I realized a few things.
If he proposed to me at the restaurant, it wouldn't have been the same. I would have been expecting it and who honestly wants to be able to pinpoint the exact time of their engagement?
I also realized the importance of allowing things to happen in their own timing. While I do like being in control as often as possible, some things are simply more beautiful when you allow them to just happen organically. Over the years I had imagined his proposal going a million different ways, but nothing was more beautiful to me than exactly how it happened: me wearing sweats, him dressed to the nines, and us overlooking the waves crashing down on the rocks.
I look forward to spending the rest of my life with my soon to be husband and take his proposal as a valuable lesson to learn to allow life to take its course. When you stop trying to dictate how everything in your life should go, some truly amazing things will happen along the way.
What was your proposal like? If you're still a single lady, what's your dream proposal like? Let us know in the comments below!
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Getty Images
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Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images