Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, a certified life coach drops some much-needed gems. Check out this week's segment below.
Dear Ayana Iman:
I've been in a relationship since freshman year of high school and I'm now in my late 20's and no longer feel the same attraction or love for the relationship. I haven't for a while but he's the only guy I've been with and the strong feelings of codependency, guilt, and sadness I feel when I think about leaving are too much for me to handle. How can I fix this?
Let's remove any shame that's overshadowing your most honest self. What you're feeling is normal. You've outgrown your boyfriend. His purpose has been served and your relationship has run its course. I'm sure you've experienced a lot together, but at this point all you have is years. Guess what? He knows it too. You don't always have to tell a person your feelings have changed; it's in your disposition, the way you handle things, or lack thereof.
Are you ready for change? The years that you've spent together have rewarded you with the growth and clarity you'll need to move forward. Whether you drag your feet or decide to leave now, the end is inevitable. Once you put that energy into the universe, it conspires to give you what you want and not always on your time. You have the power to leave amicably and reduce fallout by having an honest conversation. Take ownership of your feelings and let him know what's on your mind. You'd be doing both of you a huge disservice by trying to force this situation to work.
It's important that you understand you cannot control his actions but you can control your own. If he chooses to react emotionally, do not respond with the same energy. It's all about intent. If you intend to approach the situation with love and respect then that's all that matters. Try to resist emotional outbursts because all it does is cause stress.
I understand the feeling of codependency; you've spent all of your formative years with this person. But guess what? You still have a lot of life to live. Start 2019 fresh and reestablish the relationship you have with yourself. This is the time to reevaluate your likes and dislikes, try new things, go new places, and be free. There may be changes in your friendships because of the end of this chapter, so prepare accordingly. Your identity is not defined by this relationship, neither are your friendships. Be open to newness.
Again, what you are feeling is normal. You're not a bad person. It's okay to move forward.
Dear Ayana Iman:
I'm lost and feel stuck. I'm in need of guidance of aligning myself to have a fulfilled life with success. I don't know where to begin. Can you help? Currently using affirmations, but that's it.
If you're using affirmations, you're on the right path. This lets me know you're open to seeing change in your life. Here's the thing, affirmations without action produce no results. This means it is not enough to write your visions. You have to do the work, putting in the maximum amount of effort to see the fruits of your labor.
Start with your why. Why do you do the things you do?
Then follow with your what. What is your ultimate goal?
Next comes who. Who will you serve?
Define how. How will you get this done?
Once you've answered these questions, or at least have a general idea, you'll be in alignment with your spirit. This is what guides you and causes you to ask the questions that matter. These questions can apply to your career, family, hobbies, and so on.
No matter if you're in the low valley or on the mountaintop, I implore you to check in and ask yourself these questions. Always find room for gratitude and you'll have a fuller life.
Featured image by Getty Images.
- Ask Ayana Iman: I'm Stuck In A Codependent Relationship - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What To Do If You've Outgrown Your Partner - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Have You Outgrown Your Partner? « Relationships ›
- How to End a Relationship You've Outgrown - YouTube ›
- 4 Signs You've Outgrown Your Partner, According To Therapists ›
- 8 Signs You Are Outgrowing Your Relationships — JaysonGaddis.com ›
- Outgrowing Things (or The Real Reason Your Relationship is ... ›
- The Truth About Outgrowing A Relationship | Thought Catalog ›
- 5 Ways to Tell If You Have Outgrown Your Relationship ›
- 7 Signs You've Outgrown Someone in Your Life | Psychology Today ›
- 12 Signs You've Outgrown Your Relationship - ›
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Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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