Sitting on the toilet, shaking with adrenaline and slumped over from fatigue, I looked my husband in the eyes as he kneeled down in front of me. After learning I had incurred something between a 3rd and 4th degree vaginal tear (yikes!) during childbirth, it was time for my first trip to the bathroom, and my husband was my companion.
After I finished tentatively relieving myself, he was ready with, what all mothers know as, the blessed peri-bottle. I was too shaky and uncoordinated after using all my strength to give birth to take care of one of my most basic needs at that time, cleaning myself, and my husband was there to help me. I was so embarrassed for him to see my new stitches, watch me as I bled, and sit before me as I *gulp* passed gas as he was level with my most private parts.
I shamefully whispered, "I'm so sorry." To which he replied, "You have nothing to be sorry for. I want to take care of you."
Though not always spoken, this has been the exchange throughout our entire marriage, and I have to humble myself to it time and time again. It is hard for me to constantly need his help and his strength because I was raised in the 90's and early 2000's. I was raised observing Oprah, Tyra Banks, Phylicia Rashad, and the Mowry sisters. Black little girls could grow up to be black women who run the world! Inspired by them, I set my sights on taking over any and every thing I could. In high school, I was in the senate. Then I was Class President, and then Student Body President. I was in Honors French and Honors chorus. Oh, and I got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do...no big deal.
At Hampton University, I majored in entrepreneurship and graduated with the award of being named the most excellent student in my major, while leading a region of my church's campus ministry. Upon graduating, I partnered with my mentor to open a school, worked many 12-hour days, and eventually led our team to national accreditation. Take that, world! I wasn't even 30 yet.
Despite all of that, there was so much baggage weighing me down. I grew up with a mother who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Having a narcissistic parent results in someone who:
- Believes how they look is more important than how they feel
- Lives with debilitating self-doubt, never fully trusting their emotions
- Struggles with feeling seen or heard
- Has difficulty developing a healthy sense of self
- Never feels good enough
- Believes he/she is unworthy of love
It is not surprising that I eventually had a doctor diagnose me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression several weeks before my wedding. On one hand, I was relieved to finally get answers, and on the other hand, I was reeling from this revelation so close to a new, exciting stage in my life.
My husband was my cheerleader when I dragged my feet to begin going to therapy. When I would make excuses about not wanting to spend the money or not wanting to take the time to go, he assured me that my well-being was of the utmost importance.
When we drove to South Carolina to care for my mother while she was ill and clean her filthy house (neglected due to her illness), he was there with me. He rubbed my back as we stood in line to purchase cleaning products. He rested his hand on my thigh as we drove the 7 hours home and I cried the whole way back while listening to The Preacher's Wife soundtrack. He was my rock.
When my mother passed away, he allowed his lap to be soaked with my tears as I sobbed and heaved.
When I was pregnant, he rubbed my feet nightly and my belly when I suffered from indigestion (almost nightly). He learned to cook many new dishes as I was too drained to cook, but I still wanted good food.
When I resigned from my directorship to salvage my mental health, he was supportive. He is my biggest cheerleader when I speak at conferences and workshops,
I am a strong black woman, and I need my man. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I don't know where I would be without him. I appreciate Destiny's Child's "Independent Woman", but the song does not resonate with me. I am not building my legacy alone. I do not pay my bills alone, craft my dream alone, or garner my strength alone. I've been blessed with a lifelong partner, and I depend on him for grounding and encouragement. We are not without faults or quarrels, but I love my man. I appreciate my man, and at the end of a long work day, I say, unashamed, I need my man.
Don't get it twisted. I am not an advocate of codependency. You shouldn't depend on your partner to take care of things that you can handle. Maintain healthy friendships outside of your partner, and avoid seeking permission from your partner. They should be a source of inspiration and encouragement, not allowance.
When I say I "need" my man, I mean this in the most healthy and beautiful way possible, and I want this for you too!
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Taylor founded Mastermind MGMT, an agency that represents some of Hollywood’s best “image architects” like Roach, Kellon Deryck, and Kollin Carter, who are responsible for creating unforgettable style and beauty moments for celebrities like Zendaya, Megan Thee Stallion, Taraji P. Henson, and more. Taylor and her company possess an array of functions, but her biggest role is to be her client’s advocate. We hear endless stories about how creatives aren’t paid or underpaid in the entertainment industry, but Taylor ensures that her clients get their piece of the pie. The entrepreneur opened up about her company and her non-profit, Mastermind Matters, in an exclusive interview with xoNecole.
“I always say that I'm an artist advocate first, deal closer second. So my primary focus is to just make sure that the artist is getting everything that they deserve, whether it's compensation or, you know, certain accommodations, but just making sure that they have everything that they need to be able to show up and provide the best service that they're hired for,” she explained.
“So you know, in the beginning, it was hard because I didn't have any experience, and the artists who I was working with at the time–we were learning together, meaning neither of us had assisted anyone. We didn't have mentors in our specific fields. So every deal was like a new learning experience for us from the styling side and also from the business side, and so it took, you know, doing some research, using some very creative tactics, to find out information in the industry and just starting to request accommodations that I knew other artists were granted, who maybe didn't look like my artists.”
Photo by Christopher Marrs
Ten years later, there’s still not many people who are doing what Taylor is doing. However, things have gotten easier thanks to the research and connections she made in the beginning. During Mastermind MGMT’s ten-year anniversary celebration, she announced her non-profit, Mastermind Matters, which is a 501(c)(3) non-profit that focuses on helping young entrepreneurs through a 12-week program. The program is divided into “two routes.” The first route is for aspiring creative artists who want to start a business from their talent and all the things they need to learn about business, such as taxes, life insurance, etc. The second route is for practicing creative artists who are already in the industry but need resources such as how to plan for retirement or how to sustain themselves if they can’t work for a short amount of time, i.e., the pandemic.
“I just feel that I'm able to have a business and be successful because of their art as well. And so there are things that I know, I tried to teach it to them but understanding that I can only do so much because I'm not a subject matter expert in those fields,” she said. “So I at least want to be able to provide the resources, and then if they make their grown decision not to do it, then that's on them. But you know, I could be guilt-free and taking advantage of the resources that I'm also providing to them.”
Taylor continues to be an innovator in her industry by always pushing the boundaries of creativity and thinking one step ahead of everyone else. The Chicago-bred businesswoman is moving into the tech space thanks to a new invention created with her clients in mind, and she is looking forward to bigger collaborations in the future. Follow Mastermind MGMT on Instagram @mastermind_mgmt for more information.
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Feature image by Christopher Marrs
