The Real Reason He Can Walk Away From You Like It's Nothing
Remember that movie He's Just Not That Into You? It's actually based on a 2004 self-help book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and turned into a film of the same name in 2009. However, the phrase first appeared in a 2003 episode of Sex and the City ("Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little"), where Carrie Bradshaw's then-boyfriend, (Jack) Berger offered unfiltered to advice to her friend, Miranda, about a guy she was dating. It was a revelation.
Are we in a “relationship”?
While the self-help title has gone on to be coined as a no-nonsense guide to understanding men, there are a number of other resources that exist to help explain why it's so easy for some men to walk away from a relationship. But before I get into that, I would like to preface this article by clarifying the word "relationship". Merriam Webster defines the word as "the way in which two or more people, groups or countries, etc., talk, behave toward, and deal with each other"; "a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings; a romantic or passionate attachment".
The reason I chose to insert this definition here is because men often scurry around this word, as did my former lover when I asked him if a particular woman that had surfaced during the course of our affair was, "someone whom he was dealing with, sleeping with or in a relationship with," to which he replied, "No, I'm not in a relationship with her but she is someone I was dealing with." As if this wasn't the same thing.
Men often designate the term "relationship" for exclusivity in order to reserve the right to "deal with" whomever they choose, when the reality is that these words are synonymous. Whether or not a commitment has been explicitly communicated can be a convenient technicality for a man to fall back on, but I digress.
A more scholarly expression for the phrase he's just not that into you is known as relationship investment which combines psychological, sociological and communicative components. The investment model of relationships, as it is also referred to, examines three primary factors that influence the likelihood of commitment in romantic relationships: satisfaction level, quality of relationship alternatives and quantity of investment or size.
What makes a man invest in a woman?
Yes, of course good sex is one reason, but there are several other factors that contribute to one being invested in a relationship. According to Caryl Rusbult's model of investment, top indicators include the idea that the rewards of a relationship are greater than the costs (satisfaction), the caliber of other options (alternatives) and the amount of resources being put into the relationship (investments).
For romantic couples, rewards can include having someone to do fun things with, feeling connected on a deeper level and having a family unit. Costs may include having arguments, having to do additional chores around the house or having a partner who is hard to communicate with.
To maintain satisfaction in relationships, rewards need to outweigh costs.
How can you get your man to invest in you and your relationship?
Considering that relational satisfaction is a major drawing point for staying together, identify ways in which you can contribute to making both you and your partner more satisfied in the relationship. This is a great way of exchanging conversation for pillow talk that may just lead to a hot and heavy session in the sack, if nothing else. Otherwise, you could try asking your partner, "What can I do more to make you happy in this relationship?"
Understanding that it goes both ways, you can subtly remind your partner of ways you appreciate them while communicating what your needs are.
For example, if you desire more quality time but your boo is more into "paying the cost to be the boss", you could lead with this: "Babe, I love how you work so hard to take care of me, but it would mean a lot if we could have a date night next week." And if that doesn't work, then take a page from Beyonce's book (see above).
To get him to be more invested in the relationship, become the MVP (Most Valuable Partner)
The investment model suggests that over time, individuals will seek outside "investment opportunities'' when they become unhappy at home. Your goal is make sure your partner not only wants you but, to a certain degree, needs you. That's right, in order to be valued, you must be an asset to your partner. This dynamic is most evident in traditionally heterosexual relationships in which the man (husband) is responsible for bringing home the paycheck while the woman (wife) uses the money to care for the home.
From a financial perspective, when partners enter into a business relationship, one party will typically have a set of duties they are responsible for and vice versa for the other partner. In this way, the relationship is mutually beneficial for them both and they depend on each other to make it work.
In these terms, what makes a partnership desirable to an investor? The potential of an attractive return on the investment.
Will your relationship last?
By now, you may be assessing the status of your own relationship. And scientific studies aside, you can evaluate the status of your relationship by recognizing how much you and your partner are contributing to each other's needs. Is there a joint effort between the two of you? Or is one of you more generous than the other? Keep in mind that investments may look different depending on how you express your love for one another.
For example, words of affirmation like saying "I love you" may be something that you prioritize in the relationship while your partner prefers acts of service, such as making sure the bills are paid. It's important to recognize that people express love in different ways, but while these expressions look different, the efforts should be the same.
What does it all mean?
Although this model can't be used as a crystal ball to predict the future for each and every relationship, it has been successful in projecting whether couples will split or stay together in studies, ranging from seven months to 15 years long.
Investments often lead to more commitment in a relationship. Resources given such as time, money and affection can all be considered investments. People tend to invest in relationships that they have a favorable outlook on.
The size of an investment correlates with the level of commitment in that high investments are more difficult to walk away from. So, something like having children with someone may be more of an incentive for some people to stay. For other people, the amount of time, effort or emotion they give in a relationship influences their perception of that relationship. When you've invested more, it becomes more valuable to you.
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
We all have a dream life that we spend our free time daydreaming about. You know, the one with a loving partner, high-rise apartment, thriving career, and endless abundance. But as much as we can dream about it, there has to be a little extra sprinkle of “magic” to make it become a reality, and that’s when manifestation comes in.
The uptick in manifestation techniques is nothing new to the internet. Since The Secret and the Law of Attraction became available on YouTube in the early 2010s and fast forward to today, where #manifestationtok and #spiritualtok surging in popularity, it’s clear that there are a number of different ways to get what you want out of life with the right action, affirmation, and visualization.
Still, with so many ways to manifest, from scripting to the 3-6-9 Method, it can be hard to know which one to lean into. But there’s one new technique that’s promising to yield “instant results,” and we’re curious about it.
The "I Am Sure" Manifestation
Replying to @A I M E E 🖤 lG: hothighpriestess 🤍 this is the “I am sure” method #iamsuremethod
The “I Am Sure” manifestation gained traction this summer by TikTok creator Sara Perl of @hothighpriestess, who initially introduced the method.
In her original video breaking down the concept, she detailed the steps to use the technique for those looking to “manifest overnight.” To do so, start by stating “I am sure,” followed by “your desired manifestation in the present tense.” If there’s a job, promotion, or text from a crush that you want, then you’d say, “I am sure that I got X job,” or “I am sure that I make a $100K salary.” Repeat this out loud 10 times, or for faster results, write them down on a piece of paper and say it back to yourself whenever the desire comes up.
Using your words and speaking in the present tense, affirmatively, “puts you in the frequency that has that desire,” as Perl states. “We know our thoughts create our reality, but our words create our reality even faster.”
No matter how you choose to manifest your dream life, there’s nothing like channeling a powerful affirmation and some faith to get what you desire. In every instance, though, allow yourself to dismiss any doubt that may try to cloud your hopes in good things coming into your life, and don’t hold too tightly onto the “how” or “when.” Trust the process and know that the “thing” that you desire is just waiting for the perfect time to enter your life.
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