The Real Reason He Can Walk Away From You Like It's Nothing
Remember that movie He's Just Not That Into You? It's actually based on a 2004 self-help book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and turned into a film of the same name in 2009. However, the phrase first appeared in a 2003 episode of Sex and the City ("Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little"), where Carrie Bradshaw's then-boyfriend, (Jack) Berger offered unfiltered to advice to her friend, Miranda, about a guy she was dating. It was a revelation.
Are we in a “relationship”?
While the self-help title has gone on to be coined as a no-nonsense guide to understanding men, there are a number of other resources that exist to help explain why it's so easy for some men to walk away from a relationship. But before I get into that, I would like to preface this article by clarifying the word "relationship". Merriam Webster defines the word as "the way in which two or more people, groups or countries, etc., talk, behave toward, and deal with each other"; "a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings; a romantic or passionate attachment".
The reason I chose to insert this definition here is because men often scurry around this word, as did my former lover when I asked him if a particular woman that had surfaced during the course of our affair was, "someone whom he was dealing with, sleeping with or in a relationship with," to which he replied, "No, I'm not in a relationship with her but she is someone I was dealing with." As if this wasn't the same thing.
Men often designate the term "relationship" for exclusivity in order to reserve the right to "deal with" whomever they choose, when the reality is that these words are synonymous. Whether or not a commitment has been explicitly communicated can be a convenient technicality for a man to fall back on, but I digress.
A more scholarly expression for the phrase he's just not that into you is known as relationship investment which combines psychological, sociological and communicative components. The investment model of relationships, as it is also referred to, examines three primary factors that influence the likelihood of commitment in romantic relationships: satisfaction level, quality of relationship alternatives and quantity of investment or size.
What makes a man invest in a woman?
Yes, of course good sex is one reason, but there are several other factors that contribute to one being invested in a relationship. According to Caryl Rusbult's model of investment, top indicators include the idea that the rewards of a relationship are greater than the costs (satisfaction), the caliber of other options (alternatives) and the amount of resources being put into the relationship (investments).
For romantic couples, rewards can include having someone to do fun things with, feeling connected on a deeper level and having a family unit. Costs may include having arguments, having to do additional chores around the house or having a partner who is hard to communicate with.
To maintain satisfaction in relationships, rewards need to outweigh costs.
How can you get your man to invest in you and your relationship?
Considering that relational satisfaction is a major drawing point for staying together, identify ways in which you can contribute to making both you and your partner more satisfied in the relationship. This is a great way of exchanging conversation for pillow talk that may just lead to a hot and heavy session in the sack, if nothing else. Otherwise, you could try asking your partner, "What can I do more to make you happy in this relationship?"
Understanding that it goes both ways, you can subtly remind your partner of ways you appreciate them while communicating what your needs are.
For example, if you desire more quality time but your boo is more into "paying the cost to be the boss", you could lead with this: "Babe, I love how you work so hard to take care of me, but it would mean a lot if we could have a date night next week." And if that doesn't work, then take a page from Beyonce's book (see above).
To get him to be more invested in the relationship, become the MVP (Most Valuable Partner)
The investment model suggests that over time, individuals will seek outside "investment opportunities'' when they become unhappy at home. Your goal is make sure your partner not only wants you but, to a certain degree, needs you. That's right, in order to be valued, you must be an asset to your partner. This dynamic is most evident in traditionally heterosexual relationships in which the man (husband) is responsible for bringing home the paycheck while the woman (wife) uses the money to care for the home.
From a financial perspective, when partners enter into a business relationship, one party will typically have a set of duties they are responsible for and vice versa for the other partner. In this way, the relationship is mutually beneficial for them both and they depend on each other to make it work.
In these terms, what makes a partnership desirable to an investor? The potential of an attractive return on the investment.
Will your relationship last?
By now, you may be assessing the status of your own relationship. And scientific studies aside, you can evaluate the status of your relationship by recognizing how much you and your partner are contributing to each other's needs. Is there a joint effort between the two of you? Or is one of you more generous than the other? Keep in mind that investments may look different depending on how you express your love for one another.
For example, words of affirmation like saying "I love you" may be something that you prioritize in the relationship while your partner prefers acts of service, such as making sure the bills are paid. It's important to recognize that people express love in different ways, but while these expressions look different, the efforts should be the same.
What does it all mean?
Although this model can't be used as a crystal ball to predict the future for each and every relationship, it has been successful in projecting whether couples will split or stay together in studies, ranging from seven months to 15 years long.
Investments often lead to more commitment in a relationship. Resources given such as time, money and affection can all be considered investments. People tend to invest in relationships that they have a favorable outlook on.
The size of an investment correlates with the level of commitment in that high investments are more difficult to walk away from. So, something like having children with someone may be more of an incentive for some people to stay. For other people, the amount of time, effort or emotion they give in a relationship influences their perception of that relationship. When you've invested more, it becomes more valuable to you.
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images