Damn. When I hit up some guys in my social sphere so that they could tell me about a trait that they think makes a woman sexy, about 70 percent of them started with a sigh followed by the word "damn". When I asked them to expound, most of them said something along the lines of, "'Sexy' is such a vast word that it can be hard to narrow it down to just one thing." When I asked them to try (middle names were used), below are the 10 things that they put on record.
The reason why I thought it was important to share with all of you is because, let IG models and OnlyFans (le sigh) tell it, sexiness is one-dimensional. As you're totally about to see, though, when it comes to what men — Black men — find to be sexy (hot, sensual, alluring, provoking, arousing, appealing and even glamourous), there is actually so much more to it than what the media constantly wants us to believe.
"Sometimes a woman's voice is all that you need."
Devin, 28, Single.
"There's a woman I know who isn't physically my type at all. But I can listen to her for hours because her voice is so smooth and sensual. She's also got a hella vocab which means she's intellectual. She's also really articulate. Yeah, a nice voice with something to say can get me, almost every time."
"I'm all about natural beauty."
Justice, 33, Married.
"I think it's crazy that it's gotten to the point where some women are triggered when a man says that he prefers natural hair, minimal make-up and a real body. What is wrong with y'all? Anyway, that's what's sexy to me."
"I like a woman who is so comfortable with herself that she doesn't feel the need to rely on any 'extras'. Again, if that bothers you, I think something is up with that. A man who likes the way God created a woman is one of the greatest compliments there is."
"Thickness. Lawd."
Orion, 40, Single.
"I guess I'm the anti-Kevin Samuels guy in the sense that, HELL NO, I don't want some skinny chick. I like a grown woman and, to me, she comes with all kinds of curves. And when she has a sway in her hips when she enters a room? She's got me mesmerized on all kinds of levels. If you haven't had the pleasure of being with a woman who's got curves all over, you haven't truly lived. Straight up."
"High heels, in just about anything, please."
Aden, 35, Married.
"I really love a woman who is into shoes. No, high heel shoes — the higher the better. It's very feminine to me. It also makes her legs look really long and she comes off as extremely confident. One of my favorite things is when I come home and my wife has literally nothing on but a new pair of pumps that she's bought. Forget lingerie. That's all I need right there."
"I like a woman who f--ks with herself."
Tomeo, 24, Single.
"Damn. 'Sexy' is one helluva word. The first thing that comes to my mind is a woman who f — ks with herself. She's comfortable in who she is. She's not constantly switching up to please other people. She's levelheaded and balanced. She's unapologetically unique. So many women look like other women these days. A woman whose style and energy stand out is really sexy."
"A happy woman is sexy AF to me."
Evin, 38, Divorced.
"A big part of what ended my marriage is my wife was a pessimist. It's like she was constantly looking for something to complain about."
"I didn't know it when I first got married but I know it now — a woman who is optimistic, solutions-oriented and is a 'light'…damn, that is sexy. A woman with a great sense of humor, can laugh at my flaws and mistakes as well as her own and doesn't take things too seriously? It truly doesn't get much sexier than that."
"Being down for whatever is sexy."
Torance, 27, Engaged.
"I'm thinking that women have heard this before, but it can't be said enough — no man wants to initiate sex all of the time. Just like women want to feel wanted and desired, men do too. My fiancée is naturally sexy in the way that she moves. She's very… 'sleek' is the word that comes to mind. She just kinda glides into a room and glides out. That's sexy. But what I really like is she has a libido that damn near supersedes mine. She loves sex. She loves to explore sex. And she has no problem letting me know when and how she wants me. I was pretty out here before her. Since she's come into my life, I'm good."
"Short hair. Dressed up. Takes care of herself...that chick is sexy."
Bernard, 46, Single.
"I've always been a sucker for a woman with really short hair. A part of it is because I like necks. I also think it makes a woman appear really sure of herself, like she doesn't have to hide behind hair to feel beautiful. And then if she's got on a dress that hugs her curves, some high heels and some really nice nails? A woman like that sends the message that you've got to come to her correct because she puts energy into her appearance. When I know that she's gonna make me 'work for it'…yeah, that's sexy."
"'Zen' women are sexy."
Nelson, 42, Divorced.
"Women who send the message, 'I come to you in peace' are sexy to me. No drama. Very centered. Talks about things like reading books, going on walks and meditating. It might sound boring to some people, but I think this kind of woman is sexy because she prioritizes her peace of mind and when you know that she likes peace in her space, that means she doesn't want anyone or thing disrupting it. That kinda lady can get all of my time. Whew."
"Women who wrap themselves up like the gift that they are is sexy."
Zeke, 31, Single.
"I wish more women knew that we like to see them in lingerie outside of sex. Going to bed in sexy stuff…hell, watching TV in sexy stuff is such a teddy is such a turn-on."
"Some women might roll their eyes or whatever but, contrary to popular belief, seeing a beautiful woman in lingerie isn't always about wanting to have sex. Sometimes we just sit back and take it all in, especially when we're really into 'her'. A woman in lingerie, for no real reason, is like looking at a present that is all wrapped up — you want to see what's inside, but you really can just sit and admire everything for a while too."
"The woman I see right now has such a huge collection that I know she thinks she's the s — t. It reminds me to treat her that way…often. Sexy. Sexy."
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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