Tap Into What It Means To Be A Sapiosexual

There's nothing like a brilliant man, chile.

Love & Relationships

I'm going to be totally transparent here. The reason why I even pitched this topic to my editor is because, while there are actually few things that I'm extremely comfortable saying that I am (label-wise), when it comes to sexual attraction, sapiosexual would absolutely have to top the list. Matter of fact, out of the 14 guys that I've sexually been with, something that about 90 percent of them have in common is how smart and witty they are. I won't lie to you—many of them were also commitment-phobes, narcissistic and selfish AF, but because I am such a sapiosexual, I tended to overlook a lot of that because of the good conversations and flirty banter that they had to offer. Plus, I always seemed to learn something new or gain a broader perspective whenever I hung out with them. Yeah, while some people are drawn to muscles or beards (which I totally get), I'm more into brains.

If you can relate to where I'm coming from, but you've never quite been able to put your finger on why you're wired this way, welcome to a very special club. Here's what it truly means to be a sapiosexual, sis.

What Exactly Is a Sapiosexual?


I know that I pretty much gave away the meaning of what a sapiosexual is in the intro, but just so your crystal clear, a sapiosexual is an individual who finds intelligence to be a sexual turn-on. Now, there's a clear thing that makes this different from people who are merely drawn to intelligent people. For those of us who are sapiosexuals, whenever we engage in a mentally stimulating conversation with a smart individual, it's more than just interesting or fascinating. If you're halfway our physical type, you have some level of chivalry and you're smart AF?! Whew chile, that is like a peak aphrodisiac. No joke.

I mean, if I'm to be really real about it, I think that's a main reason why I was such a "man recycler" for so long. While very few men were total assholes to me (and they know exactly who they are), some did take me for granted or ended up totally wasting my time. Still, every couple of years, we'd find ourselves back in, at the very least, a situationship. It wasn't because I had selective memory either. Hmph, come to think about it, oftentimes it wasn't even because the sex was outstanding (although, in some instances, it was exactly that). It was because a catch-up call would turn into a three-hour conversation, a few days in a row—and that would have me back feenin'-some-type-of-way. This is what it means to be a sapiosexual, y'all. It's when the mind of a person can have you so caught up, that it's seductive and entrancing—even when you want it to be anything and everything but.

What Are Some Telling Signs That You Probably Are a Sapiosexual?


So, now that you know a little bit more about what a sapiosexual is and how they can affect you, what are some of the signs that you have a super strong sexual attraction to intellectual men, perhaps without immediately realizing it? Let's touch on five of 'em real quick.

1. First interactions tend to be pretty intense (in a good way). 

One telling sign that you are sho 'nuf a sapiosexual is you're not big on small talk. Anything that comes off as feeling surface or shallow feels like a complete waste of your precious time. Small talk also makes us wonder if still waters truly do run deep. That's why, when, upon meeting someone new, if they are willing to not break eye contact and ask a question that we feel, not only caught us a bit off guard but is profound in its own special way, that is the kind of individual who can hold our attention for longer than a couple of minutes. Or a few dates (and nights), if he's lucky.

2. Debating is flirting for you. 

If nothing gets you all hot 'n bothered like a good (and respectful) debate with a man who actually knows what the hell he is talking about, you very well might be a sapiosexual. See, for us, what others might consider to be an argument, we tend to see it more as a match of wits; verbally sparring and flirting, if you will. Anyone who knows enough to even hold our attention long enough to where we want to make the time to debate with them, that is someone we want to get to know…even more.

3. You find a date at a bookstore or the reading of a famous author to be the perfect date. 

While some women might find a first (or third) date at a bookstore or reading of some sort to be boring or cheap, that is so not the case for a sapiosexual. Knowing that a man doesn't just "know how to read" but makes reading a priority during his leisure time and/or knows enough about the literature world to keep abreast of authors and poets, that will bring butterflies into the stomach of a true sapiosexual like nobody's business. It's a sign that, not only is the guy in tune with his intellectual side, he makes learning more of a top priority. And that? That is dope. Sexy as hell too.

4. You LOVE a man who articulates himself well. 

To be fair, most women probably appreciate this character trait. Still, this point hits a bit different for a sapiosexual. We adore a vast vocabulary. We profoundly appreciate when grammar is applied correctly. We look for clear indications of a man's emotional intelligence and self-awareness. It is sexy AF to us when a man knows, more than just a little bit, about pretty much any and every topic that comes up. If he's bilingual, that's even better, chile. Shoot, we don't even mind when he corrects us if we use a word out of context or mispronounce it because, if he's a sapiosexual as well, he doesn't mind when we return the favor. Yeah, a sapiosexual is all about, not just desiring a good communicator, but a master articulator too.

5. Acumen IS foreplay. 

Although long-distance relationships can be challenging for a lot of people, sapiosexuals tend to be able to handle it better than many, so long as consistent conversations are had and each one is mentally challenging and stimulating. That's because, as long as we're being mentally stimulated, our longing to be physically with our partner can be satiated; at least for a (little) while. Matter of fact, because a man's acumen (keen insight) is such a turn-on for us, when we are with the one we're seeing, we can find ourselves wanting to rip their clothes off, before they even touch us, if they are able to share a fun fact we've never heard of or quote our favorite writer or all around brilliant person (even though they didn't know it). And don't even get me started on if they can master dirty talk in the bedroom. Mmm-HMMM. Yep, for us sapiosexuals, acumen is foreplay. ALL. DAY. LONG.

While I could go on and on about this (because that's just how comfortable I am with being a sapiosexual), I'm hoping that this shed, a least, a little bit more light on the topic. One, so that you can know if you are a sapiosexual. Two, so that whenever one comes into your path, you can know if the two of you are on the same page. Or not.

Now let me get off of here before I get myself any more worked up about this topic than I already am. (Whew.)

Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up. We drop xoNecole events and special opportunities into our Tribe first.

Featured image by Shutterstock

Something that I try to mention, as much as possible, especially when it comes to married and long-term couples is, if you want to go the distance, it's not just the "big things" that you've got to stay up on; it's the little things too. Something as simple as you being a morning person while your partner is a night owl can affect everything from quality of sleep to quality time to your sex life. That's why, when it comes to couples who have different sleep patterns who still want to have a fulfilling sexual dynamic, I'm all about encouraging them to do what is at the foundation for all successful relationships — compromise. Sometimes that means that an alarm clock needs to be set or someone needs to initiate some, umm, stuff (more on that in a bit) in order to get the juices flowing (pun intended and not intended).

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Victoria Monét has worked behind the scenes as a songwriter penning hits for Ariana Grande, Chloe x Halle, Brandy, and more, and now it's time for her to stand in the spotlight. The "Coastin'" singer has dropped multiple projects over the last few years to showcase her vocal talent and so far she has been receiving praise for her sultry and jazzy sound. Her most recent project, the 2020 EP Jaguar stayed in the mode of jazz while also infusing sounds that are reminiscent of the '70s.

Keep reading... Show less

It's always good when you can learn something and laugh at the same time, and these Black women on TikTok make sure you're doing both week after week. From teaching us how to best navigate the job search to giving tips specific to advancement in certain industries, these videos are all about empowering and inspiring you to advance in your career. Check out a few of the top TikTok users for this week's picks to enjoy during your lunch break and allow to live rent-free in your head:

Keep reading... Show less

After previously saying that she was in the process of adopting children, Tiffany Haddish is putting motherhood on "pause." The beloved comedian grew up in the foster care system and originally wanted to be a foster mom, but with advice from her lawyers, she decided that adoption would be best. However, it looks like we won't see her with a child anytime soon.

Keep reading... Show less

It was actually pretty close to this time last year when I penned the piece "How To Get Through The Holidays If You Don't Observe Them". Unlike some of the other articles that I write for the site, I pulled that one from very personal experience. Being that my personality is very wired to "be good" on something once I know its origin, holidays are something that I tend to take a pass on; this includes Thanksgiving (some insightful reads on its origin are found here, here and here). Still, this doesn't mean I'm not aware of the fact that many people use this time of year to reflect on their blessings and to say "thanks" for all the good that has come their way. Since I like to write on relationships a lot, I thought to myself, "Why not come up with ways for people to show gratitude to their significant other?"

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

'David Makes Man' Star Arlen Escarpeta Believes Love And Accountability Go Hand In Hand

"While we are quick to judge others, we really have to look at ourselves and call out some of the things that we do."

Latest Posts