Are Dating Apps Lowering Our Standards?
It's finally Friday and I've just punched into work with my Starbucks coffee in one hand and the other smoothing down my edges one last time before settling at my desk.
As my computer loads, my mind wanders to the upcoming weekend. Should I get dressed up and go out, or make a face mask and finish off that $6 bottle of wine taunting me in the fridge? For a second, I picture myself sitting across from a man in a dimly lit restaurant, feeling as badass as Rihanna, while he caters to me before any waiter has the chance to. The thought vanishes as quickly as it came though, remembering that this is real life and in real life, I am single as a dollar bill.
This snap back to reality is made worse by also remembering that at any moment now, my coworker, Candace, will be bursting into my office to give blow-by-blow details of the date she went on last night. Part of my morning ritual begins with listening to her relive events of the night before, starting with the same preface each time, "So I met this guy on Tinder."
I brace myself in preparation for the roller coaster of anxiety I am about to have while she tells me she met up with a stranger, possibly slept with the stranger, and realized that she made a mistake by going out with a stranger.
Because more often than not, she finishes her recaps saying something like, "This is why I'm so over men and their sh*t."
This sentiment is echoed by frustrated, single women everywhere who put themselves out there only to be disappointed, embarrassed, hurt, or a combination of all three. From sliding into DM's and swiping left or right for a match, social media has definitely changed the dating game. Swiping through apps like OkCupid, Tinder, or Plenty of Fish, you'll come across dozens of suitors that you may not have encountered otherwise.
But are these apps making dating more convenient, or over-saturating our dating pool?
On one hand, it's optimistic to assume that you are increasing your chances at love by making yourself visible to a broader audience of men. A bigger pond, a wider net, a better catch, right?
Nope.
"When human beings are offered many choices, they're actually less likely to make a decision or selection," Michelle Jacoby, dating expert and owner of DC Matchmaking and Coaching, said. In fact, Jacoby said that having unlimited access to first dates in the palm of your hand can give you "Dating ADD."
In other words, the dynamic of breezily swiping through potential baes can quickly result in more impatience, more judgement, and less effort.
Where is the lie?
For anyone who has used a dating app, consider the thoughts that swirled around in your mind while you decided which way to swipe. Were you turned off by a corny quote they used? Were you unimpressed by their clothes, the quality of their selfies, or their surroundings? Did you see all the reasons why this guy isn't in your league, and swipe right anyway because maybe, just maybe, there's more to him than meets the eye?
In her studies, Jacoby also noted that this online dating trend produces a lot of first dates, but slim chance for many second dates. Several of Jacoby's clients have reported that they often experience ghosting from a date they met online, a complete disconnection from someone they thought they would speak to again.
To be honest, I am totally guilty of ghosting. No warning or explanation. I was one of those awful people who went on a first date with someone I "met" through an app, then proceeded to block their number and social media profiles without so much as a, "it was nice meeting you."
The guy wasn't even the creepiest or most self-absorbed person I had met, but, I couldn't silence the voice in my head that told me I shouldn't have invited a stranger into my world so easily. A few short conversations and two funny GIFs is all it took to forget my standards. If I continued to go on dates this way, would I lose sight of my standards and hopes for the husband of my dreams altogether?
Going out on more dates also means you are probably getting dressed up to spend your own money. Men who frequently rely on dating apps to meet women are less likely to pick up the check, and that's if he even offers to take you to a restaurant. Millennial men are shying away from the whole concept of sit-down dates, choosing to "just hang out" at your place instead because their expectation of you is already low.
They didn't initially have to work for your attention or your time, so they aren't going to work to keep it, either.
When Jacoby was dating online 10 years ago, she said it was common for men to send two- to four-paragraph introductions to spark conversation. These days, a simple, "Hey, what's up?" is expected to reel you in. Then, you're stuck staring at dry, three-letter "wyd" messages and you'll respond, depending on how bored you are, until you give up on the dead-end conversation.
My mom told me about fairytales, or rather, a time when chivalry and etiquette were as natural as checking your phone. My mom is a southern belle who I imagine has always had eligible bachelors falling at her feet, but she would surely disagree, saying that her skinny legs made her too lanky, or that her thick-rimmed cat-eye glasses made her look too nerdy.
Yet, none of those things stopped guys from treating her the princess treatment on date number one.
My mom never liked to go into great detail about the dates she went on before meeting my dad, but most of what she revealed sounds like this: if it had rained so much the streets flooded, her date carried her so that she didn't ruin her shoes stepping in puddles; if the floor was too sticky, he put his jacket down so that the surface didn't ruin her shoes; if her shoes were hurting her feet too bad to walk, he'd give his socks so that she didn't ruin her toes.
My mom would always underscore the ultimate flaw that diminished any chance they could get married, because that was the whole point of any date she went on – deciding if this man was worthy enough of to be called her husband. It's not that she didn't look to simply have fun sometimes, but she knew to keep her energy and personal space sacred.
Virtually every date she agreed to go on was an audition for a leading role, and without the proper qualifications, a man couldn't get the spotlight on stage for a minute.
Dating apps try to expedite your love life, but in the end, you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and ready to throw in the towel by the time the universe has sent The One in your path. As Black women, we sometimes get the feeling that our dating pool is already small and shrinking every day, but our love lives will not dwindle to nonexistence from being selective. Our energy and emotions should be protected, only accessible to those who have put in the effort to receive our vulnerability.
Discovering true love won't always look like a fairy tale Disney movie, but how many frogs are you willing to kiss before you find your Prince?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Reina Camille is a writer and storyteller from Sacramento, CA. Camille loves the finer things in life, like sipping wine at bookstores and shopping at department stores. Keep up on Instagram: @reinacamille and reinacamille.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage