Have you ever dated a guy who you felt like was seriously pursuing you, but the moment you fell for him, he fell back? Did he tell you everything that you wanted to hear only to become hard of hearing when you asked the dreaded question, "What are we?" Did he make you feel like you were the only one when really you were one of many? In a world of seducers, manipulators, and f-boys, it can be hard to tell who is really serious and who is playing serious games. Luckily, there are some dead giveaways to help us decide who is worth it and who we are better off without.
Let's play devil's advocate in some common casual dating scenarios to learn whether potential bae is pursuing or if he's playing.
The Serial Gamer
I once dated a guy who admitted to me that he would use literal games to get me more comfortable to ultimately try to have sex with me. He disarmed me by bringing me back to my most innocent time: childhood.
When I would go over to his house, we would play games for hours and joke around like we were kids. It was fun, there was no pressure. It was all just a good time. However, the red flag was what happened when we weren't playing those games.
He would put ideas in my head about what sex would be like with him or talk about sexual experiences in a way that let me know, if given the chance, he would not miss the opportunity to do all the things he talked about to me. You and your guy might not have played games like me and the guy I dated, but he could still be playing games.
He's Playing
If he would rather beat around the bush than talk about any real issues or even attempt to get to know you, he's playing. Add the fact that he only wants to do lighthearted activities or keep the conversation to a surface level with you, and oh yeah, he's most definitely playing.
If he was serious about you and a future with you, he would want to get to know you deeper than a surface level. He would ask questions to get to know you, he would want to know how your day was, he would spend time doing things you wanted to do and not just his favorite games. If he is ALWAYS playing games with you, he probably isn't really interested.
He's Pursuing
While in this scenario, playing games can sometimes mean that he is literally playing games, that's not always the case. If you are in a similar situation and potential bae is juggling his game-playing with taking you on dates, taking the time to plan real activities, asking questions to get to know you, and actually taking the time to learn the things you like and dislike, there is a good chance he is pursuing you.
The Homebody
Have you ever dated a guy that never wanted to leave the house? You rarely went on dates, all of your activities were done indoors, and he acted like leaving the house would kill him? I have.
I dated someone who literally never wanted to go anywhere. In a two-and-a-half-year time span of dating, I can probably count on two hands the amount of times I can recall us going on dates. Most of our days were spent in his house watching reruns of Martin and ordering in. In this scenario, I knew that he really loved me but he had extreme anxiety when it came to being around large groups of people and working early mornings and long hours, so going out for him wasn't always conducive to him getting proper rest. But still, he made an effort to make staying in enjoyable.
Despite mostly staying in, I knew his whole family, we went to family events together, he gave me money to do the things I wanted to do when he wasn't able to make it, and when I had big events I really wanted to go to, he went out of his way to get dressed up and tried his hardest to make sure I had a good time even though he hated being out.
He's Playing
It's also very possible for a man to not want to go out with you because he's just not that into you. He doesn't want to put in the effort of actually planning a date because he doesn't want to send you the message that he is actually pursuing you and, if you're already having sex with him, he feels no need to put in the extra effort.
You might have never met his family or his friends, and if you have, it's probably only by accident. He doesn't have any real issues preventing him from taking you out, he just doesn't care enough to make the effort. And if he can't even try to cook you a meal or set up a black love movie night, he might not be the one, sis and is probably keeping you locked up with him for a reason. The reason being you're convenient and he's able to get what he wants with very little effort put in.
He's Pursuing
Being a homebody or being budget-savvy isn't inherently a bad thing. Let's face it, sometimes the guy of our dreams might have pockets that aren't exactly lined the way he wishes they were, he may be embarrassed by that and therefore not want to go out a lot. Or he could be saving his money, so he'd rather not constantly spend it on going out. However, when a man is really interested, he is going to want to make you feel special and, even if going out is not his thing, he will force himself out on occasion because it's important to you. He will turn his kitchen into a smorgasbord of all of your favorite foods. He will invite friends over and have everyone BYOB and make snacks for game nights. He will watch chick flicks with you and snuggle next to you when you cry during The Notebook.
Some people are naturally just homebodies and prefer being at home and with all of the craziness going on in the world right now it's understandable. With this one, you definitely need to tune into your intuition. If he is making you feel like you aren't worthy to go on a date, then that may be how he feels. But if he simply doesn't like going out in general, you may just need to be patient with him and slowly work on getting him out of his shell. If you are the woman he is truly pursuing, he will make efforts to make you feel special in any way he can.
The Non-planner
I'll admit it, I'm not the best at planning dates. My husband has a way of planning great dates. He always looks up reviews online and Yelp, looks at pictures, and even sometimes scouts the location before taking me. Though I've gotten much better over the years, I have planned some pretty crappy dates for us. For one of his birthdays, I was on a very small budget and we were out of town. I saw a promotion for a free rooftop party online and thought that would be cool to go to. When we got there, it was in a pretty shady neighborhood, the rooftop was really just the roof of an old building that looked like it was falling apart, and there were probably about five other people there.
Needless to say, it was a disaster. I could name more but let's just say it's a long list of not-so-great dates. Does this mean I love my husband any less? Nope. I just naturally am not the best at planning things because I want to spoil him the way he does me. It happens. And while it's not necessarily a deal-breaker for some, someone that never plans dates might be cause for a red flag.
He's Playing
Sometimes, when a guy is playing games, he will make excuses not to take you out on dates. He will put in absolutely no effort into finding out what you want to do or only plan activities around his own hobbies instead of getting to know yours. He won't try to find free things to do when he's not making a lot of money. He will put in the least amount of effort he possibly can get away with without losing you. If you find yourself asking him to plan something and he never does, he is blatantly showing you that he doesn't care about you or your feelings.
When a man is really interested, he will go out of his way to make you feel special because he doesn't want to run the risk of losing an amazing woman to another man. If he only invites you out at the very last minute, this could also be a red flag that he really had intentions of taking out someone else who canceled at the last minute or he's bored and it isn't really a big deal to him if you come or not.
He's Pursuing
Some men are simply bad planners. They don't know how to plan a proper date outside of dinner and a movie. They always seem to have the worst of luck when trying new places and they don't want whatever date they plan to come off as cliche. Not every man is creative enough to plan your dream date or cultured enough to take you to a museum or the aquarium, outside of school trips. If you give him hints of things you like to do and he puts in an effort to do them or plan them, he wants to make you feel special despite his lack of wins in the planning department.
When a man takes the times to get to know you and the things you like to do, he's going to attempt to do those things with you. If he knows you love sushi and he takes you to a sushi place in town, even if it turns out to be a two-star listing on Yelp, acknowledge his effort. In this case, even if the things he plans might not always turn out the way he planned them to, he is making an effort because he likes you and that is an indicator of pursuit.
Remember when a man truly wants you, he will make it clear and when he doesn't, that should be clear to you as well. Don't spend another minute trying to figure out the feelings of a man who has already shown you your place in his life by game-playing.
Show him who the real winner is, and leave him alone to play with himself.
Have you ever fallen for any of these types? How did you know he was pursuing you? How did you know he was playing? Let us know in the comments below.
Featured image by GIF by Insecure/HBO
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RELATED
Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
____
I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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