You Are Not The Exception: 5 Dating Mistakes You Need To Stop Making Immediately
As women, we are naturally blessed with something that helps protect us against heartache and keeps us on our toes when dealing with our sometimes not-so-transparent counterparts. It's called intuition.
Our intuition helps guide us when things feel a little shady. And if we are truly in tune with ourselves and our intuition, we are able to maneuver through the craziest situations unscathed.
Unfortunately, we don't always listen to our intuition and we end up hurt, heartbroken, and left to put the pieces back together while stroking our ego and trying to figure out what exactly went wrong with the man we thought was going to be the one.
Here are five mistakes I have made that many of you may have too in dating, and how to stop making them.
Changing Your Appearance To Get A Man
I once dated someone who literally asked me if I would ever get plastic surgery. I was heartbroken. Not only that, but he sent me workout plans, urged me to lose weight (I'm 5'5 and was 137 lbs), and preferred me to look different than I preferred in general.
After losing 20 lbs in two months, getting color and heat damage to my hair, and totally losing my self-esteem, I was still unhappy and still not the woman he wanted me to be. The thing was, he felt we had a great connection but deep down, we both knew I wasn't his type physically and instead of me saying, "Hey, if you don't like it, someone else will," my young mind figured it was better for me to change who I was to appease him than to lose him and not have anyone.
Don't get me wrong, in marriage and dating, you should always want to look your best for yourself and your partner but your partner should love you at your worst and not be any less attracted to you because you gain or lose ten pounds. My husband has known me since I was a teenager and thinks I'm beautiful with or without makeup, kisses me before I've brushed my teeth, and has never once told me I needed to physically change for him in any way.
The person you are with should love you, naked flaws and all.
The moment a man feels he needs to change you or mold you into who he wants you to be, is the moment a lightbulb should go off that this may not be the man for you.
Changing Who You Are As A Person
Aside from physical appearance, have you ever dated someone and your friends and family pointed out that you simply were not the same around your partner? Maybe your normal loud and outgoing self was more subdued and quiet because he liked shy girls. Maybe you found yourself forcing yourself to be the life of the party when you would have preferred to be the wallflower. Or maybe you might have even changed in more serious ways like your religion, political views, or core beliefs.
When I dated my suicidal ex at 17, he wanted me to be angry. He verbally stated that to me and purposely did things to make me angry. Since I am an extremely nice and for the most part happy person, I denied his request at first, but the longer I stayed with him, the angrier I became. But that's not to say that nothing positive can come from change. In fact, some people can change you for the better.
A good rule of thumb in figuring out if the change is for the better or worse is following your intuition.
How does it make you feel? How does he make you feel? Do you feel like this change is beneficial to you or life at all? Will changing make you a better person? Do you really want to make this change? If all roads lead to "no," and your gut tells you something isn't right, most likely he is trying to change you for his own selfish reasons and you should probably get out of dodge.
Loving Them Into Loving You
Have you ever tried to convince a man to love you? Perhaps you made a game out of it to get him to actually say he loved you. You did everything in your power to try and catch this man and make him yours and the harder you tried to get him to love you, the more YOU actually fell in love with HIM, and the more HE grew distant until you were left alone wondering what the hell happened? Orrr, is it just me?
I definitely have played that game and man, did I learn my lesson. The truth is, no matter how hard you try, how good of a woman you are, how amazing your macaroni and cheese tastes, you can't love a man into loving you or convince him into loving you. One of my guy friends was dating a woman he absolutely loved. She ended up breaking up with him due to some immature mistakes he had made. During his time being single, he found a slight form of happiness in a few women he dated.
These were college-educated, attractive, and caring women. They literally catered to him while he had recently lost his job and was going through his heartbreak. They cooked for him, took him out, stayed over his place, and basically did everything a great girlfriend would do in a relationship in hopes of convincing him that each of them was the one. In the end, he ended up reconciling with his ex-girlfriend and getting back together. It didn't matter how much any of the women he was dating did for him if his heart and mind were somewhere else.
You can't convince a man to love you, ladies. He will choose, pursue, and ultimately be with the woman he truly loves each and every time.
No amount of convincing on your end is going to get him to realize you are the one for him. He has to recognize that on his own and if he can't or refuses to see it, you have to love yourself enough to walk away and continue being the amazing beautiful woman you are without him.
Ignoring Your Intuition
How often have all of the signs pointed to "no" and you still looked at it and somehow got a "yes"? All of your friends told you to stop talking to him, your grandma rolled her eyes when you brought him to the family cookout, and everything in your right mind told you this man was wrong, but you still tried to make it work. Why do we do this?
When I dated my ex, he showed me tons of signs that we were not meant to be together. He would constantly try to manipulate me to get me to do what he wanted and then if I did it, he would make me feel bad for folding. If I did not meet whatever his demand was, he would make me feel guilty for not doing it. I knew he was not good for me but my fear of him harming himself made me stay much longer than I should have. Even as a teenager, in dating I would always ask myself, Can I see myself being with this person for a lifetime? Can I picture myself marrying this person? And aside from my now-husband, the answer was always "no."
I think deep down inside we always know when a situation is not ideal for us, we either choose to ignore the signs or attempt to change him or ourselves to make things work.
We were blessed with intuition for a reason. It's a form of protection and a way for us to navigate through this thing called life while staying as safe as possible. Perhaps your intuition was slightly off before so you figured it was okay to give this man a shot. Cool. But when you know in your heart of hearts something isn't right with him, why continue to ignore signs that he is not the one? You know when someone is right just like you know when they are wrong. The problem comes along when you decide to ignore that gut feeling and keep going after what doesn't serve you.
Pursuing A Man Who Doesn't Want You
I have a very traditional way of thinking when it comes to dating and pursuing. I don't believe a woman should ever chase after or pursue a man. Literally, every circumstance I've ever been in or heard of when a woman has done this has gone horribly wrong and left her heartbroken.
Even in rare cases where she actually ended up in a relationship with the man SHE pursued, she never really felt like he loved her, constantly felt insecure, and never reaped the benefits of being with a man who was afraid to lose her. If you feel differently, that's fine, but please at the very least don't pursue a man who clearly doesn't want you. How do you know he doesn't want you? Well, if you can check off the seven indicators below, there's a huge chance he is not interested:
- He doesn't contact you frequently
- He doesn't ask you out on dates
- He doesn't show that he is thinking about you
- He talks to you about other women he's dating
- He's inconsistent
- He disappears
- He doesn't ask questions to get to know you
When you pursue a man, you are constantly left with the question: Is this man really interested in me?
You search for signs of whether or not he cares about you and your heart and mind are not aligned. Pursuing a man puts him in the position to be chased as opposed to chasing you.
If a man truly wants you, you will not have to question, you won't have to chase him, and you will never be left wondering about his feelings because even if he doesn't come out and say it right away, you will feel it through his actions. A man who is interested in a woman lets her know. While you are wasting your time chasing after him, he is busy chasing and pursuing the woman he really wants. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it is true. You are every bit worthy to be pursued and when you treat yourself as such, the right man will pursue you.
Unfortunately, every man that you want won't always be the man who wants you, but when you are busy living your best life, loving yourself fiercely, and dating with purpose, the right one will find you and you won't have to chase him or try to convince him why you are worthy to be loved, he will see it because you exude it.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
You Like Having Sex With Him. Your Vagina Doesn't. What Should You Do?
I already know. Some of y’all read the title of this and was like, “How does that even make sense?” Oh, believe you me, there can be someone who you are definitely attracted to, who you connect with on a billion levels, where the sexual chemistry is totally off the charts — and yet, when it comes to intercourse, your vagina is on some "Do we really have to?"
It can be for a few different reasons. His penis size might take some adjusting to. His sperm/semen may throw your pH balance off. You might end up with a yeast infection or UTI (urinary tract infection) on a semi-consistent basis. Uh-huh, now do you see how you can enjoy coitus and still experience — let’s call them “technical difficulties” as far as your vagina goes at the same time?
If this has been your plight and you’ve been scouring the internet in order to get some much-needed (literal) relief, here are 12 things that may be able to get you, your partner, and your vagina on the same page, as far as experiencing consistently pleasurable copulation is concerned.
1. Bring in Some Lubrication
GiphyLet’s begin with something that can kill two birds with one stone — umm, so to speak. Whether your issue is that your man’s size is a lot to handle or either the friction of the sex or the inability to get as wet as you would like is resulting in you ending up with a UTI, invest in some lubrication. The wetter you are, the better sex will feel, and the less irritated your vagina will be.
The real hack is to get the kind that is as close to the pH level of your vagina (which should be somewhere around 4.5) as possible. Word on the street is that silicone-based ones can help you out in this department. By the way, saliva can also throw your pH balance off, which is why some people use things like dental damns. Just something to keep in mind as far as oral activity goes.
2. Use Condoms
GiphyIf it’s been a minute since you’ve had sex (check out “What Actually Happens To Your Vagina During Seasons Of Abstinence?”) or you’re about to change (or add) sex partners, there are many reasons why you should use a condom — one of them being that bacteria or sperm/semen definitely has the potential to throw your vagina’s pH level off as well which can lead to a yeast infection.
Not to mention the fact that men can get yeast infections and sometimes they are asymptomatic. This means that if you don’t want to be passing one of those bad boys back and forth to each other, a rubber can serve as a barrier for that.
3. Consume More Probiotics. Eat Less Sugar.
GiphySpeaking of bacteria, another thing that you can do to decrease the chances of bad bacteria overtaking the good kind that’s in your va-jay-jay, be intentional about taking a probiotic and consuming foods that are filled with probiotics. Also, try to eat less sugar. Probiotic-enriched foods like yogurt, cottage cheese, cheddar cheese, fish sauce, and fermented veggies will give you more good bacteria. The reason why sugar is an enemy of your vagina is because that is what feeds bad bacteria and yeast.
4. Have Your Partner Give You a Perineal Massage (with a Twist)
GiphyAs a doula, I know quite a bit about perineal massages. Basically, it’s all about having your partner put some oil or lubricant on one or two of their fingers before using them to gently massage your perineum (the skin that is in between your vaginal opening and your anus) in order to decrease your chances of tearing while giving birth. Well, if you want to prepare yourself for sex after going without for a long period of time or before engaging with a larger partner, this type of massage could help you out, too.
The reason why I didn’t just call this good old-fashioned fingering is because if a part of what you want to partake in is anal sex, it can be wise to not just stretch your vagina but that piece of skin as well. Just make sure that if you plan on using a condom, you go with a water or silicone-based lubricant only. Oils will dissolve the potency of latex.
5. Invest in a Vaginal Dilator
GiphyI’m actually kind of surprised that vaginal dilators don’t come up more in sex-related articles. If you’ve never heard of them before, they are tube-like devices that are made out of plastic or medical-grade silicone that can help to stretch out your vagina, make it more flexible, and reduce discomfort during intercourse (especially if yours is related to having some sort of issues with your pelvic floor).
In fact, if you’re in the latter stages of perimenopause or you’re post-menopausal and sex has not been as pleasurable for you because of symptoms that are directly associated with that, a vaginal dilator might be able to offer up some relief.
For the record, you can typically purchase them at local drugstores (and online); however, you might want to run this decision by your doctor first, just so they can discuss any potential challenges/issues that you should know about (since they have your medical history).
6. Take Some Ibuprofen Before Sex
GiphyThis tip right here is a bit of a double-edged sword because whiletaking an over-the-counter pain reliever like ibuprofen an hour or so before having sex can help to reduce pain and inflammation to your vagina (if that has been an issue in the past),some studies say that men who take these same meds can potentially increase their chances of experiencing some level of erectile dysfunction.
That said, since the article today is focusing on our body parts, yes, this is somewhat of an effective hack, especially if you also soak in a warm bath prior to getting some.
7. Urinate Right After Sex
GiphyIf you’ve always wondered if you really should make it a point and practice to pee after having sex, the short answer is yes. Although nothing is going to blow up if you don’t, the reason why it’s a good idea is it can help to flush bacteria out of your urethra which can, in turn, lower your chances of experiencing a UTI.
8. Extend the Foreplay
GiphyI don’t think one woman on this planet is shocked thatmost ladies would prefer more foreplay before sex. As far as how long that should be, some studies state thatsomewhere around 20 minutes is good. That said, all of us are different, and, keeping in line with being wetter making sex better theme, if you need more time with “the appetizer” before the “main course” —tell your partner that. When it comes to less friction, more comfort, and ultimately more satisfying sex, longer foreplay might just be all that you need.
9. Stay on Top
GiphyYou probably already know this; still, I’m adding it in for safe measure. If you want to be able to better control the speed, motion, and depth of your partner when it comes to intercourse, opt for being on top. It will feel more comfortable to you, and I don’t know any man who doesn’t like to get a full view of what his partner has to offer when she’s on top of him. It’s a win for everyone involved.
10. Sign Up for Some Pelvic Floor Therapy
GiphyIf no matter what you do, you seem to experience some level of discomfort during sex, you might want to look into getting some pelvic floor therapy. It is a literal form of physical therapy that can help to strengthen the muscles in your pelvic region. If you’re interested in learning more about this, you can search for pelvic floor therapists who are in your area here.
11. Have Some Diflucan on Tap (Just in Case)
GiphyAlthough a lot of these tips are all about taking preventative measures, what should you do if you already have a yeast infection that’s tied to sex (and you know that for sure)? If you don’t want to go through the (sometimes) drama of scheduling a doctor’s appointment, there are sites now that will prescribe antifungal meds like Diflucan online.
Wisp is one that I definitely know does, along with medication for bacterial vaginosis (BV), UTIs, and genital herpes, too. Just fill out a form, and a doctor will follow up online. If they feel that you are a good candidate, they will send a prescription to a pharmacy in your area (of your choosing), and you can go pick up and pay there — sometimes all within the same day.
12. Get Tested for a Potential Sperm/Semen Allergy
GiphyAlthough actually being allergic to sperm/semen is not hella common (reportedly around 40,000 women in this country are), it is a real thing. So, if after having unprotected sex, you experience incessant burning and/or itching, hives, lip and/or tongue swelling, nausea, or diarrhea, it’s important that you see your physician. Although this kind of allergy is not particularly “dangerous,” it can be super uncomfortable.
Plus, it can make it harder for you to conceive a child (if that is something that you and your partner are trying to do). As far as treatment goes, to a certain extent, it varies. However, a prescription-strength antihistamine may be what your healthcare provider recommends for you.
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Gee, I certainly hope that these tips help. Because while having sex with someone who you dig is wonderful, it is so much better when your vagina “gets along” with him too. Feel me? Exactly.
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Featured image by Rachel Frank/Getty Images